Just need to talk!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Just need to talk!
I feel like the people on here are my family. I certainly can't talk to my real family. No one else but the people on here seem to understand.
First off I need to say that I may sound like a martyr, but I am taking the necessary steps to get out of this situation.
I just need someone to talk to, some encouraging words. And if ANYONE can explain why he turns into such a cruel, abusive, raging, vicious sob......please fill me in.
The past two Sunday nights he has turned into a monster. He starts drinking at noon on Sunday and by evening he finds some reason to yell at me. I literally tune him out, but he won't let up. He has 2 dogs that had a litter of puppies in December. He encouraged me to keep one of them, and I was happy to, as I had become quite attached to the whole litter. It was very difficult to let each one of them go. I helped the mother dog deliver and I love those puppies. To make a long story short, I'm still trying to house break my puppy and she has occasional accidents. I clean them up when I see them, but I'm not always in the room.
Last night, I came home before he did, because I could see that he was starting to get in one of his moods. I came home and took my puppy to bed. The other 2 dogs sleep on the bedroom floor too. These dogs are very attached to me as they have been the occasional victims of his rages. I have seen him beat them and kick them. It is TERRIBLE!!! When he starts his screaming and yelling, they usually hide behind me. He actually says that they should be afraid of him because he is THEIR MASTER. I don't know a whole lot about dogs, should they be afraid of their master????
When he came in, my puppy jumped out of bed and ran out to greet him. I was instantly afraid that he would do something. Next thing I knew, he started yelling, "Bad, bad dog!" Then he hit her about 3 times. I jumped out of bed and ran out. She was yelping, poor little thing. I picked her up and brought her back to bed. He came into the bedroom, and started to drag the mother dog out of the room. She tried to jump into bed with me, but he drug her out. I feel so bad for these dogs. It's like he has to have someone to beat on. He took both of his dogs out of the bedroom and informed them, as he was tying them up, that they would never be sleeping in the bedroom with me again. He then came in and said that since I was doing such a poor job training my puppy, he was going to take over. If she had an accident, he was going to hit her. I said, "Like hell you are!" He said, "This is my trailer and if you don't like how I treat your puppy, then you either have to get rid of her or get out." Then he proceeded to yell at me, "Do you know why I don't want to sleep with you anymore? Do you know why I don't want to have sex with you anymore?" Over and over and over again. I was trying to detach and ignore him. As he walked out of the bedroom and slammed the door, I heard him mumble, "Because you have a big fat a**!"
I can't stand him anymore, drunk or sober. He is a terrible, cruel, abusive, person.
I need to get out of here. I need someone to help me move. I'm an idiot for still being here and putting up with this crap, but these dogs don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm actually worried for his dogs when I'm gone. Strange thing about it is he usually abuses the female and refers to the male as his buddy. I'm sure there's a good reason for that.
I know he's an alcoholic. I know he's an abuser. I know I'm volunteering to be abused as long as I stay here. I'm going to get out of here. To those who know me on here, please don't be disappointed in me. I am trying to move on. It's easier said than done. Getting a decent job and a place to live is not that easy. I just want to keep myself and my puppy safe until I can get out of here.
CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY HE HAS TO SAY SUCH CRUEL TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME? One minute he's telling me that he loves me and the next he's ordering me to get on my hands and knees and clean **** off the floor. No wonder it destroys our self esteem. WHY DOES HE DO IT? I just need to know that I don't deserve to be treated this way.
First off I need to say that I may sound like a martyr, but I am taking the necessary steps to get out of this situation.
I just need someone to talk to, some encouraging words. And if ANYONE can explain why he turns into such a cruel, abusive, raging, vicious sob......please fill me in.
The past two Sunday nights he has turned into a monster. He starts drinking at noon on Sunday and by evening he finds some reason to yell at me. I literally tune him out, but he won't let up. He has 2 dogs that had a litter of puppies in December. He encouraged me to keep one of them, and I was happy to, as I had become quite attached to the whole litter. It was very difficult to let each one of them go. I helped the mother dog deliver and I love those puppies. To make a long story short, I'm still trying to house break my puppy and she has occasional accidents. I clean them up when I see them, but I'm not always in the room.
Last night, I came home before he did, because I could see that he was starting to get in one of his moods. I came home and took my puppy to bed. The other 2 dogs sleep on the bedroom floor too. These dogs are very attached to me as they have been the occasional victims of his rages. I have seen him beat them and kick them. It is TERRIBLE!!! When he starts his screaming and yelling, they usually hide behind me. He actually says that they should be afraid of him because he is THEIR MASTER. I don't know a whole lot about dogs, should they be afraid of their master????
When he came in, my puppy jumped out of bed and ran out to greet him. I was instantly afraid that he would do something. Next thing I knew, he started yelling, "Bad, bad dog!" Then he hit her about 3 times. I jumped out of bed and ran out. She was yelping, poor little thing. I picked her up and brought her back to bed. He came into the bedroom, and started to drag the mother dog out of the room. She tried to jump into bed with me, but he drug her out. I feel so bad for these dogs. It's like he has to have someone to beat on. He took both of his dogs out of the bedroom and informed them, as he was tying them up, that they would never be sleeping in the bedroom with me again. He then came in and said that since I was doing such a poor job training my puppy, he was going to take over. If she had an accident, he was going to hit her. I said, "Like hell you are!" He said, "This is my trailer and if you don't like how I treat your puppy, then you either have to get rid of her or get out." Then he proceeded to yell at me, "Do you know why I don't want to sleep with you anymore? Do you know why I don't want to have sex with you anymore?" Over and over and over again. I was trying to detach and ignore him. As he walked out of the bedroom and slammed the door, I heard him mumble, "Because you have a big fat a**!"
I can't stand him anymore, drunk or sober. He is a terrible, cruel, abusive, person.
I need to get out of here. I need someone to help me move. I'm an idiot for still being here and putting up with this crap, but these dogs don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm actually worried for his dogs when I'm gone. Strange thing about it is he usually abuses the female and refers to the male as his buddy. I'm sure there's a good reason for that.
I know he's an alcoholic. I know he's an abuser. I know I'm volunteering to be abused as long as I stay here. I'm going to get out of here. To those who know me on here, please don't be disappointed in me. I am trying to move on. It's easier said than done. Getting a decent job and a place to live is not that easy. I just want to keep myself and my puppy safe until I can get out of here.
CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY HE HAS TO SAY SUCH CRUEL TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME? One minute he's telling me that he loves me and the next he's ordering me to get on my hands and knees and clean **** off the floor. No wonder it destroys our self esteem. WHY DOES HE DO IT? I just need to know that I don't deserve to be treated this way.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: WI
Posts: 49
Re: Just need to talk!
I wish I had some advice for you. I think you are smart to get out of there - and once you do I would call the police or anti-cruelty about animal abuse! What a jerk. Good luck to you and I hope you can leave safely. Do you have any friends or family that can help you move?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
Re: Just need to talk!
If you can't stand him, sober or drunk, maybe you should ask yourself why you're there, what you're getting out of it. There are obviously reasons why you are there, you are obviously getting something out of the relationship, or else you would be gone. What about a list of the positive vs negative things about the relationship? He doesn't sound like he's very willing to change his unhealthy behaviors, so can you live with them? If not, there are ways to let it go.
My h too can be a real PR#CK when he's drunk, but he is a wonderful person sober who happens to NOT be able to drink. I have made boundaries that ensure I do not have to be around him while he's drinking. I can see the good in him now, without the booze. This is why I stay.
It's just something I think works- making this list. If you realize you are there more negative than positive, than you can go about figuring out a solution to all of this. Another thing that works is this- what would you be doing right now if he wasn't in your life? Would you be doing what you are doing right now?
I am not trying to tell you what to do- I am just hearing you say that you hate this man sober or drunk, that he is a terrible abusive person. It sounds to me like you DON'T want to be there anymore. ((BIG HUGS- DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT!!)
-SFG29
My h too can be a real PR#CK when he's drunk, but he is a wonderful person sober who happens to NOT be able to drink. I have made boundaries that ensure I do not have to be around him while he's drinking. I can see the good in him now, without the booze. This is why I stay.
It's just something I think works- making this list. If you realize you are there more negative than positive, than you can go about figuring out a solution to all of this. Another thing that works is this- what would you be doing right now if he wasn't in your life? Would you be doing what you are doing right now?
I am not trying to tell you what to do- I am just hearing you say that you hate this man sober or drunk, that he is a terrible abusive person. It sounds to me like you DON'T want to be there anymore. ((BIG HUGS- DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT!!)
-SFG29
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Grace,
You do NOT deserve to be treated like that, EVER.
Why does he do these cruel things? Because he is sick, and he is going to keep doing them until he gets some help.
If he is being abusive, don't wait around to get out of there.
Please contact a women's shelter or an abuse hotline as soon as possible.
Your safety is important.
Your emotional well-being is important.
You are important.
Big hugs,
Gabe
You do NOT deserve to be treated like that, EVER.
Why does he do these cruel things? Because he is sick, and he is going to keep doing them until he gets some help.
If he is being abusive, don't wait around to get out of there.
Please contact a women's shelter or an abuse hotline as soon as possible.
Your safety is important.
Your emotional well-being is important.
You are important.
Big hugs,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 29
Re: Just need to talk!
Dear Grace, The verbal cruelty is very, very hard to live with. I can speak about why my AH turns into a cruel, abusive, raging, vicious person and maybe that will give you something to think about. My AH is truly the most unhappy person I've ever known. He will drink until in his mind, EVERYTHING is bad. But, heaven forbid he try to improve his quality of life. That might take some effort. In his rare sober and "I'm sorry, I love you" moments (of which I no longer pay attention to) he tells me he goes into these rages because he truly hates himself, and just takes it out on me. In my house, this is a definite pattern. Drinking, dwelling on every negative thing he can drum up, real and imagined, working himself into a furious uncontrolled rage, destroying something (fists through doors, etc.) and then passing out. Once he told me that relieves a lot of stress too. Well, hallelujah. Aren't we happy that makes them feel better. I realize now that it isn't going to stop, unless I put a stop to it by removing myself from this situation. AND OF COURSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY. Ask yourself if you would ever treat ANYONE that way? I surely wouldn't. Especially the person that's you're suppose to love and support the most. I also can't imagine anyone on this website being dissapointed in you wanting a better life for yourself. We're all on here, wanting a better understanding of what we're going through. I've learned a lot from different questions I've asked, things to think about, and different points of view I get from this website. I know getting a decent job and a place to live could not be easy. Just stay strong and concentrate on what's best for you. Try to stay unemotional and don't get sucked into his craziness. Hard, I know. It's difficult to stay mentally healthy while living in a crazy situation. Here's a hug for you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Re: Just need to talk!
Okay, I'm going to be extremely blunt in response to your post. You get those dogs and take them with you. Period. Any s.o.b. that would kick and hurt a truly innocent victim - like an animal or child - should be locked up. I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but it is a felony to abuse an animal. What he is doing to you is disgusting. This man is a coward, and nothing more. You CAN get out, and you can do it NOW. Get a roommate - look in the newspaper - people advertise for roommates all the time.
Listen, if I can walk out on an abusive alcoholic at 11:00 on a Sunday night with nothing more than the files I could grab out of my filing cabinet, the clothes I could fling in the car, and my beloved cat - and nowhere to go that I could think of - you can leave this jerk. My AH blocked the door when I was leaving with my cat and threatened me with physical harm and also told me I could NOT take my cat. I told him he'd have to kill me if he wanted me to leave my cat with him. Like the coward he is, he stepped aside and let me walk out.
I'm not saying you should do something that bold - you might end up in the hospital - but when you leave, PLEASE get the dogs out of there and take them to the SPCA or a rescue organization. Anything is better than having them beaten.
And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF NOW. Get out, and don't look back. I guarantee you that you'll have a better life even if it doesn't look that way right now.
Take care and God bless.
Listen, if I can walk out on an abusive alcoholic at 11:00 on a Sunday night with nothing more than the files I could grab out of my filing cabinet, the clothes I could fling in the car, and my beloved cat - and nowhere to go that I could think of - you can leave this jerk. My AH blocked the door when I was leaving with my cat and threatened me with physical harm and also told me I could NOT take my cat. I told him he'd have to kill me if he wanted me to leave my cat with him. Like the coward he is, he stepped aside and let me walk out.
I'm not saying you should do something that bold - you might end up in the hospital - but when you leave, PLEASE get the dogs out of there and take them to the SPCA or a rescue organization. Anything is better than having them beaten.
And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF NOW. Get out, and don't look back. I guarantee you that you'll have a better life even if it doesn't look that way right now.
Take care and God bless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Re: Just need to talk!
I don't know a whole lot about dogs, should they be afraid of their master????
No no no no! Dogs should have respect for their owners, not be fearful of them.
I own and breed dogs, I live with a recovering alcoholic altho he never abused our dogs. Your situation is creating very fearful dogs who may in fact bite someone someday or perhaps even attack a child. You and the dog are living in fear. You know how you feel, the dogs feel it 100 times more.
Oh dear, I feel so badly for you I wish I had some advice, but I don't. Get out of there, or place the dogs someplace else. Take care of you and go to meetings. I will pray that he doesn't hurt you.
Please take the dogs someplace where they can be safe and loved, since so much is going on you cannot protect them.
He sounds like he has a very serious rage problem when he is drunk. Been there done that too with a different guy!
No no no no! Dogs should have respect for their owners, not be fearful of them.
I own and breed dogs, I live with a recovering alcoholic altho he never abused our dogs. Your situation is creating very fearful dogs who may in fact bite someone someday or perhaps even attack a child. You and the dog are living in fear. You know how you feel, the dogs feel it 100 times more.
Oh dear, I feel so badly for you I wish I had some advice, but I don't. Get out of there, or place the dogs someplace else. Take care of you and go to meetings. I will pray that he doesn't hurt you.
Please take the dogs someplace where they can be safe and loved, since so much is going on you cannot protect them.
He sounds like he has a very serious rage problem when he is drunk. Been there done that too with a different guy!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Re: Just need to talk!
I think that you may feel that if you can find the answer as to why he is an abusive jerk then maybe you could change him and the situation, make it what you want it to be. No can do, he's that way until if and when he evers gets help. It's not up to you if he ever gets help or not he has his own road.
You can leave if you want to, there are womens shelters, people renitng rooms looking for roommates, and jobs even if it's not the one you want right now at least it would be a stepping stone to get you from point A to B.
The dogs can go to the SPCA.
nO A DOG SHOULD NEVER BE AFRAID of their master, to take it one step further no one or any animal should be afraid of another person. Unfortunately his abuse will accelerate and you'll be the one one getting kicked and beaten if you stay.
Ngaire
You can leave if you want to, there are womens shelters, people renitng rooms looking for roommates, and jobs even if it's not the one you want right now at least it would be a stepping stone to get you from point A to B.
The dogs can go to the SPCA.
nO A DOG SHOULD NEVER BE AFRAID of their master, to take it one step further no one or any animal should be afraid of another person. Unfortunately his abuse will accelerate and you'll be the one one getting kicked and beaten if you stay.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Re: Just need to talk!
Unfortunately his abuse will accelerate and you'll be the one one getting kicked and beaten if you stay
Unfortunately that is all too true and I hope that this doesn't happen.
Unfortunately that is all too true and I hope that this doesn't happen.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: I wish I knew...
Posts: 49
Re: Just need to talk!
Please get out. There has to be somewhere you can go. Find a good friend that will let you stay, or talk to your family members... This is only going to get worse. I am praying for you!
PS No one can be disappointed in you, we all live our own lives. We all do what we have to do. Just please leave.
PS No one can be disappointed in you, we all live our own lives. We all do what we have to do. Just please leave.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
Re: Just need to talk!
Something else to add here... If you stay and allow him to beat/ hit the dogs, then the message you're sending to him is that it is ok. Those animals depend on you to protect them too. Take care of you, you deserve to be loved in a healthy way. And like Myles said- abuse doesn't get better, it just keeps getting worse. He gets something out of being this cruel- it is effective for him, so why would he quit? The only way to stop it is for YOU to take the control back of YOU before you too are just another animal to him. I'm sorry if I sound harsh- this is a classic abuse case, and no matter what you do to NOT provoke him, he has realized that it is effective to be abusive, he gets what he wants in a VERY short term way (why would he change?). There are people that are just too sick to live with- you have so much to live for. When you're old and gray, wouldn't it be nice to look back on your life and be NOT filled with regret that you didn't find true happiness or know what it felt like to be truly loved by someone who is capable of truly loving you( it doesn't sound like he is capable in the shape he's in). Take care of you, start telling yourself you matter more, because it is the truth! Remember- we are always here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Re: Just need to talk!
Grace,
No-one, I repeat NO-ONE will be disappointed in you. Nobody deserves what you're putting up with and you and your beloved dogs need a safe place. You sound as though you've really reached the end of your tether. I know that here in NZ, women's shelters don't ever, ever turn a woman in despair away and they also do not hesitate to take pets and I'm sure the same goes for the US. You and your dogs deserve better than this.
I'm thinking of you
HugZ
Sandra
No-one, I repeat NO-ONE will be disappointed in you. Nobody deserves what you're putting up with and you and your beloved dogs need a safe place. You sound as though you've really reached the end of your tether. I know that here in NZ, women's shelters don't ever, ever turn a woman in despair away and they also do not hesitate to take pets and I'm sure the same goes for the US. You and your dogs deserve better than this.
I'm thinking of you
HugZ
Sandra
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Re: Just need to talk!
Thank you so much EVERYONE for your support.
I know that what he is doing is terribly wrong. He hurts from the abuse that he got as a child, so now he needs to abuse.
All of you said 'something' that hit home with me.
I can't live in fear of his outbursts anymore.
Thank you again for all your love and support!
Love,
Grace
I know that what he is doing is terribly wrong. He hurts from the abuse that he got as a child, so now he needs to abuse.
All of you said 'something' that hit home with me.
I can't live in fear of his outbursts anymore.
Thank you again for all your love and support!
Love,
Grace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Re: Just need to talk!
i don't say this to tick anyone off, i like animals, but honestly, the dogs don't count for shi* compared to YOU! YOU are living with someone who feels free to say things and treat you in ways that just aren't humane. Like someone else said, can you imagine EVER treating anyone that way? Geez, you are a precious, hand-crafted, God-chosen human meant for amazing things..... you need to choose for yourself what you can live with..... but is this living? I pray for you to realize how loved you are and should be treated, his words are lies and cover his terrible feelings about himself, but staying there and taking it aren't helping him realize he can be helped and can live at peace, too. Take care, friend!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Re: Just need to talk!
Grace,
It doesn't matter what happened to him as a child, it's not your problem.
Your problem is you. What you are doing to you by staying is worse than what he is doing.
There resources out there for you when you are ready to take the step to help yourself.
Ngaire
It doesn't matter what happened to him as a child, it's not your problem.
Your problem is you. What you are doing to you by staying is worse than what he is doing.
There resources out there for you when you are ready to take the step to help yourself.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Re: Just need to talk!
You matter! You do not deserve to live in fear. You have choices, granted you may not like some of them, but there are options. You need to both be and feel safe. I understand you want to protect the dogs and they want you to protect them too.
Below are links that may help you.
http://www.hsus.org/ace/20902
http://www.hsus.org/ace/20663
It is "okay" to save yourself. It's "okay" to love him. It is not "okay" to be abused by him or tolerate his violent behavior.
Stay safe!
Below are links that may help you.
http://www.hsus.org/ace/20902
http://www.hsus.org/ace/20663
It is "okay" to save yourself. It's "okay" to love him. It is not "okay" to be abused by him or tolerate his violent behavior.
Stay safe!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Re: Just need to talk!
Great websites!!!!!!!!!!
Grace,
Please read those web-sites they are dead on. It's text book for an abuser to abuse the pets before they start to abuse you. They go hand in hand.
Ngaire
Grace,
Please read those web-sites they are dead on. It's text book for an abuser to abuse the pets before they start to abuse you. They go hand in hand.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Re: Just need to talk!
Thank you for those sites. They were extremely informative.
Yes, Myles, it is me....Gracias. After this site went down recently, for some reason it wouldn't let me log back in as Gracias. So, I am now Grace.
I hope that you aren't upset with me because I am still involved in this same ********. I'm trying to get myself together, honestly!
You were right, I'm looking for the reason that he is so cruel and abusive, so that I can hopefully fix him and in turn fix our relationship. A part of me feels sorry for him because he was so abused as a child, but I know that this relationship has come to an end. As soon as I get my daughter moved home from college, I am going to start moving stuff to my mother's house. I will take my puppy with me, and a friend of mine is going to take his other female dog.
I can't handle watching him abuse these dogs and I can't live with the emotional abuse anymore. I know that it is only a matter of time before he hits me.
I'm scared about leaving, but I'm more scared about staying.
Thank you, Everyone, so much for caring about me. I feel like a stupid idiot for hanging onto false hopes and dreams that I could have a future with this man. It is hard to let go of a dream, but when I'm old and gray, I DON'T want to look back on my life with any more regrets than I already have.
I love you guys on here. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you.
I'll be in touch!
Wish me luck!
Love,
Grace
Yes, Myles, it is me....Gracias. After this site went down recently, for some reason it wouldn't let me log back in as Gracias. So, I am now Grace.
I hope that you aren't upset with me because I am still involved in this same ********. I'm trying to get myself together, honestly!
You were right, I'm looking for the reason that he is so cruel and abusive, so that I can hopefully fix him and in turn fix our relationship. A part of me feels sorry for him because he was so abused as a child, but I know that this relationship has come to an end. As soon as I get my daughter moved home from college, I am going to start moving stuff to my mother's house. I will take my puppy with me, and a friend of mine is going to take his other female dog.
I can't handle watching him abuse these dogs and I can't live with the emotional abuse anymore. I know that it is only a matter of time before he hits me.
I'm scared about leaving, but I'm more scared about staying.
Thank you, Everyone, so much for caring about me. I feel like a stupid idiot for hanging onto false hopes and dreams that I could have a future with this man. It is hard to let go of a dream, but when I'm old and gray, I DON'T want to look back on my life with any more regrets than I already have.
I love you guys on here. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you.
I'll be in touch!
Wish me luck!
Love,
Grace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
Re: Just need to talk!
You know what, Grace? We all get to where we're supposed to get in our own time. I'm glad you're realizing how much we do care about you and that you are definitely worth it!
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