workingonme11

Ok....so some of you know my story.....
Maybe the following its self explainatory. I dont know.....
But the NC over the past week is allowing clarity that Ive not had in quite some time.
Okay so....A few days after V-Day I went to see him at the rehab in Newark and he looked like garbage. I mean not shaved, dirty clothes, not showered.....and i SWEAR that when he first got in the car I smelled a whiff of alcohol. Just a whiff. Just quickly and not lingering.....never tasted it on his breath or mouth....
Of course this coupled with his beligerent and completely obstinant behavior about me speaking to his mom earlier that day...
I actually asked him and it was a very succinct 'no'.....

Is it me? Am I crazy paranoid because he gave me so many reasons to doubt him......but I havent been able to convince myself otherwise.
Has this happened to anyone else? I believe its very possible that he is/was still.using and thats one of the reasons for him breaking thngs off with me by just stopping all contact over a week ago. I started to find out things by complete accident that he was lying about..... annnnd he didnt like that too much......(understatement if the year) acting like i was keeping tabs on him when that wasnt even close to what was happening.....

??

dandylion

WoW--based on this (and your other recent posts), it sounds like this guy is a looong way from recovery.

If you would like to live with some peace of mind---maybe it is ti me that you turn your energy toward your own recovery.

With my alcoholics--every ti me I thought they were drinking--THEY WERE!

They insisted that they weren't--every time. My son tried to tell me that the gardener was bringing empty vodka bottles to our house--sneaking them in (past me)---and hiding them under my son's mattress. The garderner lives several miles away, across town, and I have never known him to drink. When I told my son that this made zero sense---He said: "I agree. You need to talk to Carlos (the garderner) about that!"

An addict can never have you as the top priority---that is reserved for the substance of choice. You have to make yourself the first priority.

sincerely, dandylion

LexieCat

You are still analyzing something that happened almost a month ago?

There's a REASON you are going no contact. Letting him live in your brain is almost as bad for you as dealing with him in person. Evict him.

Find a meeting, find something else to think about. This dwelling and analyzing is going to keep you stuck. Whether he is drinking or not is his problem, not yours. Let it go.

workingonme11

Thanks for.the response. Yes. I am now moving a bit more towards healing. These crazy making tactics have made me feel crazy at times.....*did that really happen* have me question.my own clear mind and perception in the situation.....*i never said that!!!*

Its becoming more clear to me that he is a very sick person. And very sick people can be incredibly cunning and stealthy in their spinning of what is real and whats not.

He may be an addict/alcoholic.....and a person who is voluntarily unmedicated with serious bipolar....but this person is also an emotional abuser.
He had taken me psychologically hostage without me even knowing it. And now its clear.....Im just trying to cut the thick, black vines of lies he had tightened just before his disappearing act.....
My gut has said something wasnt right for some time while he was in the rehab program..... Those twinges in my gut or my intellect that something didnt seem kosher. I just blew them off and actually felt bad for questioning his "noble and amazing efforts at working so hard in recovery" *rolls eyes*
Al anon, my HP, reading up on addiction and abusive tactics they utilize and RELY on to.keep.us reeled into their drama., my own therapy and the love and respect for me and my children have been amazingly motivating.

workingonme11

*But the NC over the past week is allowing clarity that Ive not had in quite some time.*

Lexie, everyone has their own time of healing. And process by which to do it. Its a work.in progress....you say let it go. Intellectually i get that....thats not a new concept. I mean, come.on.
However emotionally?? Completely different story.
I am here for emotional support and maybe some insight....
I respect you as a long time poster; however everyone has their OWN way. Im sorting out a lot in my head. Working through it......like i said its a process.....like anyone who has been blindsided by new information and gaining real clarity. The fog is lifting. My situation shouldnt be judged....judging someones joirney and the decisions surrounding it is not what others need to feel supported.
Thanks

LexieCat

I AM supporting you. What I am suggesting is that what you are doing--trying to analyze every clue about his behavior and where his head may be at, is not GOOD for you. It doesn't move you forward, it keeps you stuck.

I know when I was starting out I had to be reminded of those kinds of things over and over again. Dwelling on the past, or what someone else had done or might be thinking or doing, were poor uses of my time and energy. You are still focusing on HIM, and not YOU.

I'm not suggesting that you are supposed to recover instantly, but it doesn't seem to me that my helping you analyze him, or encouraging you to keep doing that, is the most helpful thing I can do for you.

DreamsofSerenity

I get very stuck trying to analyze my ex also. I don't know what I think will change by understanding his behavior. All I really need to get is that he is a drunk asshat.