Bandepart

Hello all,

After reading some very good posts in here, I decided to share my story. I hope it will bring light and insight to others, as well as for me while writing.

I have been on and off in a long distance relationship for more than 12 years, and it has been a roller coaster ride all this time.

I fell hard for her, unaware of the extent of her drinking problem at the time. Gradually and having experienced many unsafe moments, verbal disputes mood changes, selfishness, dishonesty I confronted her. She became very defensive. Still does to this day when I approach her about it. I love her do not know what to do. All the trips made to be with her, and once I am with her, she can't relax. She doesn't drink until a couple of days prior to me leaving where she has a couple of glasses of wine, gets behind the wheel to drive us home. It has been much worse, and the fact when I am not with her she lies about her drinking, although I can sense it so clearly when speaking with her. There are days when disappears and I can't get a hold of her, and when you does get in touch she pretends all is normal. How can it be? So many times I have talked to her and all I get is s.... back for even bringing it up. I am at loss of what to do and my heart is heavy tonight.

Your stories have helped me in realizing I can't do anything, nor is she willing to quit drinking, may it be vodka or wine. This weekend has been hell and I need to reach a decision. I just don't know how. I love her so.

Take care and stay strong!

cr995

So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I'm sure others will be along to add their thoughts soon. It's okay to love somebody but it does not mean we have to put up with them treating us badly. I have finally decided to love my AH from a distance - like the sun! go to close you get burned, I have broken off all contact with him and feel better after a week of that. I had to acknowlege that I love him - or certainly who he once was and could be but I am also learning to love myself and am fed up of being misrable. I have tried it my way for nearly 30 years - did not make me a happy bunny. So now I try it Al-Anon's way. I go to meetings , I work the steps and try to practice the literature - before I relapsed and contacted AH 2 weeks ago I had been feeling pretty damned good, I say love yourself. You're in the right place , stick around and keep posting. ((Hugs))

noanxtime

I'm sorry you are going through this. 12 years is a long time. Not that it matters that much, but it sounds like it might be more than alcohol.
It might be time to jump off the roller coaster unless you want to do this dance another 12 years.
Good luck to you.

Bandepart

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it has been a long time and I can't seem to let go. Deep down and reflecting more upon what I have been through it does sadden me. She is the love of my life. The months she has been staying sober she has been full of life, caring, attentive, taking interests in various things. Now it's mostly bickering over the smallest things, very irritable, restless, constantly tired, lack of appetite etc. I am a non drinker myself and embrace life fully in a positive way. I have found this forum to be very helpful in understanding both parties. I deeply appreciate your comments.

Is love worth all this pain? How di you "cope" with the "loss", for I believe it is to some extent.

Bandepart

Thank you for sharing your story and how you feel and where you are at today.
All the Best! ( Hugs )

dandylion

Dear Bandepart, where is Malmo---Is it in the U.S.? Knowing that would help somewhat.

dandylion

Bandepart

I must have missed adding that information to my profile. The city of Malmo can be found both in Nebraska and in Sweden where I currently live.

dandylion

Dear Bandepart--thanks for the info. The reason that I asked is because I didn't know if alanon is in your area. That is the best place to go if you need support from people who have been in your shoes and understand. It also helps you in the task of getting your "life" back!!

Ending a deeply invested relationship can feel very much like a sort of "death" has occured in your life. A period of grief is almost universal. You need the comfort and support of others at this time.

Many people stay in a destructive relationship because they are so afraid of the pain that it might cause to end it. Bandepart, let me assure you that you are stronger and m ore capable than you believe yourself to be. We don't know how much courage we have until courage is the only option!!

One will eventually "get over" the pain of letting an alcoholic go. The pain of staying with an alcoholic who is active in their disease never goes away--it just gets worse.

Many, many people on this board understand how you feel (including me)l and will walk with you. Keep posting as often as you need.

very sincerely, dandylion

Bandepart

Dandylion,
Thank you for your words and support. Things are starting to make more sense to me as to why I am holding on to this relationship. I know better than to stay in a self-destructive relationship. It has taken me too many years to get to this point today. So many times I have approached her with drinking, her lies, the empty promises, and for what? To get hurt again? Many times I have ended and moved on with my life, only to find myself coming back to her again. This time I have to stay strong in my decision.

As for Al Anon, yes there are a few places here in town. I will give them a call and see when the next meeting is.

May I ask, what are you experiences and how do you feel today?
Sincerely,
Bandepart

Bandepart

I told my partner last night in a calm and collected manner that I am setting myself free from this relationship, the pain, the dishonesty, the lies and the pain it has caused me. She started screaming blaming her choice of getting back on drinking for being stressed, depression, various family issues etc. Then she told me that this is not over and that she will find me. I asked her if she was trying to threaten me and she said yes. This is the first time she's done that. Yet I don't worry as they are filled with emptiness, just like all the empty promises over the years with her.

Thank you for reading and listening.

firebolt

That's awful. Stay strong - you can do this! They will blame everything BUT their addiction. They will do ANYTHING to fix it - except stop drinking. I hope you can find an Alanon meeting - it is a WONDERFUL place to start healing.

(((HUG)))

CentralOhioDad

A's are good at blaming, yelling, ranting, etc., it's their way of deflecting any blame or responsibility from themselves. At this point, since you told her you are done, you need to follow through and leave, or your words will be as empty as hers have been.

And I wouldn't totally discount the threats of an A, sober or drunk - they will go to great lengths to protect the status quo, and many do turn to violence. Keep an eye open. Many times on this board the talk of restraining orders comes up - be ready if you have to.

Good luck, and be safe.

C-OH Dad

LexieCat

Agreed on the possible need for a restraining order. Watch her behavior, watch what she says. If there are any explicit threats or acts of violence (including destroying your property), apply for an order. It won't have any adverse consequences to her if she abides by it. If she doesn't, it will give the police a reason to make an arrest BEFORE simple contact escalates into something more serious.

Bandepart

Thank you for showing care and concern. We live thousands of miles away from each other. She hasn't been violent in the past, just very loud and verbally mean when being drunk. This last trip I just felt very disconnected from her and she would snap at anything.
I will however keep an eye open. So far I haven't heard anything from her or her friends.

Take care All!
Hugs

Recovering2

She doesn't drink because she has stress, depression, or family issues. She drinks because she is an Alcoholic. Lots of us have the same stresses, we don't drink to make them go away. But that is typical A talk....lots and lots of excuses for their behavior. I'm glad to hear you've decided to take your life back, I would consider going No Contact. She may get a little crazier in the short term, but eventually she will get the message that she does not control you. AlAnon will definitely help you process and move forward. Good Luck.

Bandepart

Four days later and I feel strong in my decision. No contact from her so far. I have found myself pondering, reflecting a lot upon my last stay and how she looked. I clearly remember how thin she was, especially her legs. So much muscle mass was gone and she had difficulties walking in a normal pace with me. And the strange eating habits which seemed to be so unhealthy. She had these cravings for fast carbs and sugar, especially at night, meaning she slept on and off for a couple of hours, only to get up and eat, and even perhaps having a drink. I was asleep but she complained about being constantly tired all the time, every day. I was exhausted hearing about it all the time.

I am so glad to have found this forum, reading the stories you are sharing.

In my relationship with an alcoholic I was a need, a temporary fix before the next drink.

All the best and Hugs