I've set my boundaries...now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: vancouver British columbia
Posts: 8
I've set my boundaries...now what?
After 7 yrs in this relationship with my bf who is an Alcoholic. I started setting boundaries. 4 yrs ago i had a mental breakdown. I have been getting healthier ...working from the inside out. I know that its his choice to drink or not drink. No matter what i say or do will not control his drinking. ITs HIS choice. I can't control it. I can only control me. I got that part. I even refuse to be with him drinking. Honestly NOT all the time. But certain situations. Week night drinking. I work, not going to be around that. I refuse to be the "driver" for him and his buddies. I am sitting here typing this with my phone turned off. We were supposed to go out. a date. Just me and him. and yes there was drinking involved. And I know I am stupid to think that just because he seems to be able to control the drinking when he's with me that THAT is ok.ITS NOT!!. and yes the phone is turned off cause he's phoning me drunk wanting me to pick him and drive him to someone's else's place. I refuse. Earlier today he was like let me drink with my buddies than we will go out. Once i figured out which buddy's he was drinking with. I knew...i agreed but then my better half of the brain. Was like wait a minute..YOU KNOW exactly what is going on. DONT DO IT!!. so i didnt and told him i was staying home.
I feel so disrespected. he says i've given up on him and I don't love him anymore. ALL because i won't support the drinking. I won't drive him around anymore. I was getting blamed for not being around to control the drinking and spending. Then when i was around when he was drinking I got blamed for enabling. That's when my aha light went off and I realized that I needed to just remove myself from his drinking altogether. But he snuck me back in with. I want to quit, i need to quit. i will manage it. (for one night he did) and I got sucked back in. Cause i love him. My head sees the booze and him are tight. EVEN if he cant see it. I come after the booze and his buddies. BUT i am supposed to be there. I am supposed to understand that he's an alcoholic and its a progressive disease and its hard blah blah blah blah. God he's good. Too bad he's using that knowledge to guilt trip me than to really look at himself.
I know this is long. but i needed to just blog,,rant talk. to someone who gets this. i'm tired of crying cause i feel unloved and left out. because i don't like to be around him when he's drinking. I'm tired of the guilt trips. The freaking merry go round of him getting loaded . day drinking and the i'm going to really quit this time. i am tired of this. then he drinks and on and on and on it goes!!.
I guess what really held me on this relationship and hope of him quitting. Was this time last year he DID quit. for 4 months. The longest i ever saw him sober. It was tough but we got through it. Then he was rear ended with a dump truck and that kick started his drinking again. the merry go round started and i didn't even realize it. NOT until i got blamed for being around and not being around when he drank. A part of me wants to leave him and this other part is not quite ready. Why do I have this sinking feeling that I will never ever really be Ready? it breaks my heart thinking about...leaving him , not being ever ready to do so. it hurts. I am actually crying right now cause my head knows what to do but my heart is like not yet. it will be ok. he loves you in his own screwed up way. But its NOT ok its not. I a feel so all alone right now. i feel so cheated from a normal relationship. i see couples going out for dinner and or going to a pub/lounge. holding hands and enjoying each other's company. while he is the back seat of the car completely passed out. I dont have that. he may only drink for the most part on weekends but its a no holds barred kinda drinking. then he's sick for the next day. our weekend ruined again because of alcohol.
IF NO one responds to this thats ok. i just needed to vent. i don't know what i expected from this. but i know somethings got to give.
If you read all of this...thanks for listening. i 'm not sure what else to write right now. maybe later. i 'm just to upset to write anymore.
I feel so disrespected. he says i've given up on him and I don't love him anymore. ALL because i won't support the drinking. I won't drive him around anymore. I was getting blamed for not being around to control the drinking and spending. Then when i was around when he was drinking I got blamed for enabling. That's when my aha light went off and I realized that I needed to just remove myself from his drinking altogether. But he snuck me back in with. I want to quit, i need to quit. i will manage it. (for one night he did) and I got sucked back in. Cause i love him. My head sees the booze and him are tight. EVEN if he cant see it. I come after the booze and his buddies. BUT i am supposed to be there. I am supposed to understand that he's an alcoholic and its a progressive disease and its hard blah blah blah blah. God he's good. Too bad he's using that knowledge to guilt trip me than to really look at himself.
I know this is long. but i needed to just blog,,rant talk. to someone who gets this. i'm tired of crying cause i feel unloved and left out. because i don't like to be around him when he's drinking. I'm tired of the guilt trips. The freaking merry go round of him getting loaded . day drinking and the i'm going to really quit this time. i am tired of this. then he drinks and on and on and on it goes!!.
I guess what really held me on this relationship and hope of him quitting. Was this time last year he DID quit. for 4 months. The longest i ever saw him sober. It was tough but we got through it. Then he was rear ended with a dump truck and that kick started his drinking again. the merry go round started and i didn't even realize it. NOT until i got blamed for being around and not being around when he drank. A part of me wants to leave him and this other part is not quite ready. Why do I have this sinking feeling that I will never ever really be Ready? it breaks my heart thinking about...leaving him , not being ever ready to do so. it hurts. I am actually crying right now cause my head knows what to do but my heart is like not yet. it will be ok. he loves you in his own screwed up way. But its NOT ok its not. I a feel so all alone right now. i feel so cheated from a normal relationship. i see couples going out for dinner and or going to a pub/lounge. holding hands and enjoying each other's company. while he is the back seat of the car completely passed out. I dont have that. he may only drink for the most part on weekends but its a no holds barred kinda drinking. then he's sick for the next day. our weekend ruined again because of alcohol.
IF NO one responds to this thats ok. i just needed to vent. i don't know what i expected from this. but i know somethings got to give.
If you read all of this...thanks for listening. i 'm not sure what else to write right now. maybe later. i 'm just to upset to write anymore.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Queensbean, it's great you've found this forum, and as for your post and getting everything off your chest, well I could just feel it doing you good. In case you think it's unusual, look at some of the other threads and you'll see lots of examples of people who have reached the end of their rope. You'll also know you're not alone.
There will be lots of responses soon, from those who have more experience and wisdom than me, but I want to send you my best wishes. I hope you keep on posting.
There will be lots of responses soon, from those who have more experience and wisdom than me, but I want to send you my best wishes. I hope you keep on posting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Choosing a better life for yourself is a process, now a one-time event, when we are in long-term relationships. It took me many months before I was ready to finally make the move.
Although I did have to feel, finally, that I deserved better and that the prospect of the alcoholic's getting well was not likely in the foreseeable future, I don't know that you have to have NO lingering doubts before you step away.
I worked for a very long time as a criminal prosecutor. As I used to tell juries (and the judge did, too), to find someone guilty, you need to make the finding beyond a REASONABLE doubt. That doesn't mean beyond any doubt whatsoever--it means there must be a REASON for your doubt. IOW, it isn't that you just feel sorry for the defendant, or think that he doesn't look like your idea of what a drug dealer or child molester looks like. Even if you feel sorry for him, and he doesn't look like a criminal, if the evidence convinces you that he committed the crime, it's the jury's job to deliver a guilty verdict.
Now, obviously, an alcoholic isn't (necessarily, lol) a criminal, and making the decision to leave isn't the equivalent of finding someone guilty and possibly sending them to prison, the evidence rule is still a good analogy, I think. You don't have to be convinced beyond ALL doubt that you are doing the right thing, just be convinced beyond a reasonable doubt.
I don't know if thinking about it that way helps you at all--it did me. It's OK to make changes even if you have lingering emotional doubts.
Although I did have to feel, finally, that I deserved better and that the prospect of the alcoholic's getting well was not likely in the foreseeable future, I don't know that you have to have NO lingering doubts before you step away.
I worked for a very long time as a criminal prosecutor. As I used to tell juries (and the judge did, too), to find someone guilty, you need to make the finding beyond a REASONABLE doubt. That doesn't mean beyond any doubt whatsoever--it means there must be a REASON for your doubt. IOW, it isn't that you just feel sorry for the defendant, or think that he doesn't look like your idea of what a drug dealer or child molester looks like. Even if you feel sorry for him, and he doesn't look like a criminal, if the evidence convinces you that he committed the crime, it's the jury's job to deliver a guilty verdict.
Now, obviously, an alcoholic isn't (necessarily, lol) a criminal, and making the decision to leave isn't the equivalent of finding someone guilty and possibly sending them to prison, the evidence rule is still a good analogy, I think. You don't have to be convinced beyond ALL doubt that you are doing the right thing, just be convinced beyond a reasonable doubt.
I don't know if thinking about it that way helps you at all--it did me. It's OK to make changes even if you have lingering emotional doubts.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading, venting and sharing as often as needed. We are here to support you.
I find strength and encouragement by reading some of the Sticky Posts. Stickies are permanent posts that are preserved at the top of this main page (they have a padlock symbol in left column).
Here are two of my favorite Sticky posts. I found some of the answers I needed when I followed these suggestions:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
and this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading, venting and sharing as often as needed. We are here to support you.
I find strength and encouragement by reading some of the Sticky Posts. Stickies are permanent posts that are preserved at the top of this main page (they have a padlock symbol in left column).
Here are two of my favorite Sticky posts. I found some of the answers I needed when I followed these suggestions:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
and this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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