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Staying on my side of the street

Old 03-16-2013, 10:49 AM
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Staying on my side of the street

My AH is really amping up his behavior and trying to turn everything around to being my fault. Calling me angry, saying that my baseline feeling is anger over everything. Attacking my faith and saying that it's shallow because if I had a deeper faith, I'd cut him some slack. So much more and he's getting angrier about me holding my ground and not engaging. I honestly feel at peace(well, there are times when my anxiety spikes but I feel internally at peace) and he's spiraling.

He had a binge this past week where he must have been in blackout because he made 2 different excuses as to why he didn't return a phone call and they completely contradict each other. I responded via text saying, "Sorry for what? Oh, when you called and then hung up on me? No worries." He was really apologizing for falling asleep early and not returning my call but he actually had a few texts back and forth with me that he obviously doesn't remember. What gets me is that he doesn't check his phone to see those texts so that he can make up a better lie? Which pretty much proves to me that he was most likely in a blackout, that is, unless he's all of a sudden become a sleep walker, LOL.

So, what I've been doing is staying on my side of the street. I mean, I am not even tempted to cross over and I now see how crazy it's making him. For me, this a huge step. There is a part of me that feels guilty for pulling away so much and taking care of myself, but I realize that if AH doesn't like it he has choices he can make too. He can divorce me if he's that unhappy. He can move out. He can get sober. He can get help. It's so nice to finally realize that you are not responsible for others and that what he thinks of me is none of my business. Man, what has taken me so long to get here? My peace is wonderful, I feel great, and that's all that matters for now.
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Old 03-16-2013, 11:49 AM
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Bravo for you! Keep on just taking the steps you can each day. Kudos to you for working it.
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Old 03-16-2013, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
There is a part of me that feels guilty for pulling away so much and taking care of myself, but I realize that if AH doesn't like it he has choices he can make too. He can divorce me if he's that unhappy. He can move out. He can get sober. He can get help.
Well said! Love this above especially. Thanks for sharing!

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Old 03-16-2013, 09:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Well said! Love this above especially. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks!!! Love the support here.
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Old 03-17-2013, 04:28 AM
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Sounds great to me. However, please remember, since you have been pulling away, he is NOT getting 'a rise' out of you, so his words and behaviors will probably amp up more and more.

Be they nasty or nice, he wants you to engage, and since you are not, it will in all likelihood get worse.

Stay your course and you will do what is best for you and your son!

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Sounds great to me. However, please remember, since you have been pulling away, he is NOT getting 'a rise' out of you, so his words and behaviors will probably amp up more and more.

Be they nasty or nice, he wants you to engage, and since you are not, it will in all likelihood get worse.

Stay your course and you will do what is best for you and your son!

Love and hugs,
Well, since his blackout the other night, he's been on the nice swing. He's even painting the patio this weekend while I'm gone. This, of course, comes after 4 days of excruciating silent treatment and him shooting eye daggers at me before he went on his business trip. So, I think he likes to mix it up and I'm just doing my best to stay constant.

One thing my sponsor and I talked about was that if he gets a 'rise' out of me, then he can accuse me of being the one who is crazy, flying off the handle about the drinking or abuse. She kept encouraging me to stay the course, as hard as it may be.
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Old 03-17-2013, 12:21 PM
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Your sponsor is right. I had to work really really hard for a long period of time to only take responsibility for things I did or said. To get that product (not saying or doing offensive or hurtful or rude things), I had to not engage with him.

When I didn't engage, he got meaner and nastier and more angry at me. And by then, I knew that I was not the one who had started the argument or fed the argument or kept it going.

His nastiness just kind of stood out like an island in an otherwise placid sea, and that helped me see what was really going on in our relationship.
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