is it my place to write my XAB a letter?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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is it my place to write my XAB a letter?
A month ago I broke up with a recovering alcoholic for reasons that had nothing to do with his alcoholism. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if his distance and confusion stems from his desires to drink. If he's miserable, its easier to give himself permission to drink. Not to mention the fact that (in a certain sense) his relationship with alcohol is easy and straightforward. A relationship with me (a living, breathing, desiring thing) is more complicated. I don't think he wanted to fight for us because he wanted to stop fighting alcohol.
I hope this doesn't seem terribly lazy, but to save time I'm going to copy/paste an email I wrote to my sister about my situation:
...
i found out E. is drinking again. did i mention that in the voicemail? he said some confusing things when we met up two Fridays ago. He seemed legitimately upset that we broke up, and told me he initially did not want to as I was ending the relationship.I asked "Why didn't you stop me?" and he said: It just seemed inevitable and that we'd already started unraveling. i think he doesn't want to work or fight for us. this is the heartache.
i created space for him to talk about drinking and he was honest. he volunteered more information than I knew. (A friend of mine had unwittingly tipped me off on this score, not knowing that it's a big deal that E. drank wine with him). When I told E. that he was lying to himself and that I wished his friends knew something about alcoholism, he heard me out. he even thanked me for reminding him. i know it didn't change anything, but when we were talking about alcohol i could tell he needed someone to talk to about it. (He once told me I was the only person he could talk to about it) i don't think I can be that person anymore. I don't blame myself or the breakup for his drinking, even though he said something about "it's just too hard to deal with both alcoholism and this at the same time." This is where I get petty and feel indignant that he's hurting, too. If he's hurting, why doesn't he come back? Is it possible that he wants to be miserable so that he can have an excuse to drink?
I broke up with him because he said he didn't know if he loved me. but then when we met up to talk about what happened he said, "of course I loved you, you were the most real and present person in my life." but it's not enough. i think it gets easier for him everyday. as for me, i'm still holding my breath hoping this isn't real -- most of the time. and other times i know its real and i'm okay. and other times i wonder if it's too early in the evening to go to bed.
I want to write him a letter. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to believe the lies he must be telling himself about alcohol and who he is. He told me that when he starts drinking again he feels like a "lost cause." It doesn't help that both of his parents come from long lines of alcoholism. He says "I don't want to be a dry drunk anymore" "I want to learn to be able to just have a few." He's kidding himself. He told me that when he says these things he's kidding himself.
What strikes me about this whole thing, however, is that he's been honest. He volunteered the information that he was drinking. I want to be honest with him by writing a letter or something. I want to try and help.
What on earth do I do?
-L
I hope this doesn't seem terribly lazy, but to save time I'm going to copy/paste an email I wrote to my sister about my situation:
...
i found out E. is drinking again. did i mention that in the voicemail? he said some confusing things when we met up two Fridays ago. He seemed legitimately upset that we broke up, and told me he initially did not want to as I was ending the relationship.I asked "Why didn't you stop me?" and he said: It just seemed inevitable and that we'd already started unraveling. i think he doesn't want to work or fight for us. this is the heartache.
i created space for him to talk about drinking and he was honest. he volunteered more information than I knew. (A friend of mine had unwittingly tipped me off on this score, not knowing that it's a big deal that E. drank wine with him). When I told E. that he was lying to himself and that I wished his friends knew something about alcoholism, he heard me out. he even thanked me for reminding him. i know it didn't change anything, but when we were talking about alcohol i could tell he needed someone to talk to about it. (He once told me I was the only person he could talk to about it) i don't think I can be that person anymore. I don't blame myself or the breakup for his drinking, even though he said something about "it's just too hard to deal with both alcoholism and this at the same time." This is where I get petty and feel indignant that he's hurting, too. If he's hurting, why doesn't he come back? Is it possible that he wants to be miserable so that he can have an excuse to drink?
I broke up with him because he said he didn't know if he loved me. but then when we met up to talk about what happened he said, "of course I loved you, you were the most real and present person in my life." but it's not enough. i think it gets easier for him everyday. as for me, i'm still holding my breath hoping this isn't real -- most of the time. and other times i know its real and i'm okay. and other times i wonder if it's too early in the evening to go to bed.
I want to write him a letter. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to believe the lies he must be telling himself about alcohol and who he is. He told me that when he starts drinking again he feels like a "lost cause." It doesn't help that both of his parents come from long lines of alcoholism. He says "I don't want to be a dry drunk anymore" "I want to learn to be able to just have a few." He's kidding himself. He told me that when he says these things he's kidding himself.
What strikes me about this whole thing, however, is that he's been honest. He volunteered the information that he was drinking. I want to be honest with him by writing a letter or something. I want to try and help.
What on earth do I do?
-L
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Is there really anything you can put in this letter that he doesn't already know?
He knows what the tools are for recovery vs. just being a "dry drunk" (and even if he doesn't know, the information is not a secret; he can find out if he is motivated). It is entirely up to him to take advantage of them, and there is no magic phrase or sentiment that you can conjure up to convince him to finally do it.
I fear that engaging with him just further enmeshes you in a relationship you have already determined is not what you want.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest. I wish you strength.
He knows what the tools are for recovery vs. just being a "dry drunk" (and even if he doesn't know, the information is not a secret; he can find out if he is motivated). It is entirely up to him to take advantage of them, and there is no magic phrase or sentiment that you can conjure up to convince him to finally do it.
I fear that engaging with him just further enmeshes you in a relationship you have already determined is not what you want.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest. I wish you strength.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, lrbear.
I am sorry for your situation, but think writing a letter isn't necessary. As sparklekitty points about above, will you be saying anything he doesn't already know? And are you saying things you have already said, but with a little distance between you and him, think you might have a more eloquent way to express it? I ask this because its what I did, over and over. Say the same thing in 200 different ways. How annoying, looking back on it. And how arrogant of me to assume my XAH was too stupid to figure it out on his own.
Secondly, I bristle at the "fight for us" comment. Fight for a relationship? To me - this is the Hollywood-ization of intimate relationships that get a lot of people into situations that are toxic and unhealthy - the idea that with drama comes a stronger bond and we should "fight" for the ones we love. In my humble opinion, when you have to fight for something, it is because it isn't meant to be.
Lastly, I wanted to simply say sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest thing to do. But I think you did the right thing by backing way off here and letting this grown man make his own decisions. You did him a great favor - now wait and see if he uses this opportunity to do some introspection. If it is meant to be, it will be someday down the road.
Keep coming back!
~T
I am sorry for your situation, but think writing a letter isn't necessary. As sparklekitty points about above, will you be saying anything he doesn't already know? And are you saying things you have already said, but with a little distance between you and him, think you might have a more eloquent way to express it? I ask this because its what I did, over and over. Say the same thing in 200 different ways. How annoying, looking back on it. And how arrogant of me to assume my XAH was too stupid to figure it out on his own.
Secondly, I bristle at the "fight for us" comment. Fight for a relationship? To me - this is the Hollywood-ization of intimate relationships that get a lot of people into situations that are toxic and unhealthy - the idea that with drama comes a stronger bond and we should "fight" for the ones we love. In my humble opinion, when you have to fight for something, it is because it isn't meant to be.
Lastly, I wanted to simply say sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest thing to do. But I think you did the right thing by backing way off here and letting this grown man make his own decisions. You did him a great favor - now wait and see if he uses this opportunity to do some introspection. If it is meant to be, it will be someday down the road.
Keep coming back!
~T
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Something I learned in the many years of being married to an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time fighting for us and her but never for me. I finally figured out that if I'm the only one fighting for us then there is no us.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Irbear, you have already done the best thing you can do for him---you got out of his way.
The rest is up to him. Recovery only seems to come when a person decides for themselves that recovery is what they want.
Any efforts you make to "steer" him to recovery or motivate him will, eventually, be resented by him.
Every rescuer eventually becomes the victim.
sincerely, dandylion
The rest is up to him. Recovery only seems to come when a person decides for themselves that recovery is what they want.
Any efforts you make to "steer" him to recovery or motivate him will, eventually, be resented by him.
Every rescuer eventually becomes the victim.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. You made the decision, for whatever reason, to break up. Leave it at that. There is no need to write a letter. As others have said, you're not going to say anything he doesn't already know. You will just keep yourself enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship. It's not your job to rescue him, or make him see the light. If he wants recovery, it's his job to go get it. Know that in the short term, the A will say whatever you want to hear in order to keep you attached. That's why No Contact is often the best thing for them and you. Leave him and his HP to figure out his path, stick to your own path and let go.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
thank you!
Wow, all of these comments are remarkably helpful. Thank you ten-thousand fold! I think you are all right, there's nothing I can say or do.
It's so hard to say goodbye to him. He is one of the dearest people I have ever met. It would be easier if he were a monster, but he's not. I can't imagine the alcoholic he described to me; I never met that side of him. To think he's back in that horrendous place and there's nothing I can do about it...
I know so many of you know what this feels like, and that in itself is terribly heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your warmth and strength. I've never experienced grief like this before, but I can see that there is a lot of beauty in it. Beauty because where I am hollowed out I can now feel joy in new, unexpected, and tender ways. This forum is such an encounter.
At the risk of sounding redundant: thank you.
It's so hard to say goodbye to him. He is one of the dearest people I have ever met. It would be easier if he were a monster, but he's not. I can't imagine the alcoholic he described to me; I never met that side of him. To think he's back in that horrendous place and there's nothing I can do about it...
I know so many of you know what this feels like, and that in itself is terribly heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your warmth and strength. I've never experienced grief like this before, but I can see that there is a lot of beauty in it. Beauty because where I am hollowed out I can now feel joy in new, unexpected, and tender ways. This forum is such an encounter.
At the risk of sounding redundant: thank you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Quickly, on fighting.
You're right, fighting isn't the best word w/r/t relationships. Perhaps trying or striving would be better? I know he is sick, which is why it has nothing to do with how much he did or did not love me. But even so, I wish there were something about our relationship that attracted him enough to want to put the requisite hard work in. I hate the word "enough," but I wish there was something about our relationship that was enough for him, as it was for me--more than enough.
Again, I know that I shouldn't think like that. It's just hard not to.
You're right, fighting isn't the best word w/r/t relationships. Perhaps trying or striving would be better? I know he is sick, which is why it has nothing to do with how much he did or did not love me. But even so, I wish there were something about our relationship that attracted him enough to want to put the requisite hard work in. I hate the word "enough," but I wish there was something about our relationship that was enough for him, as it was for me--more than enough.
Again, I know that I shouldn't think like that. It's just hard not to.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'd add only one thing...
...to the excellent replies you've already received.
I like to write letters to my alcoholic,and I do. BUT I NEVER SEND THEM. They are for me. They help me because when I read them they help me find a little clarity about the situation, and they are also a safe way for me to vent. From reading my letters to her I've often also found some of my own "crazy" if you will and it always reminds me why I never send them to begin with, as well as what I might need to focus more on in my own recovery.
Let me repeat, however, that I never, never, never send them. I write them, then I store them in a password protected file.
Take care,
Cyranoak
I like to write letters to my alcoholic,and I do. BUT I NEVER SEND THEM. They are for me. They help me because when I read them they help me find a little clarity about the situation, and they are also a safe way for me to vent. From reading my letters to her I've often also found some of my own "crazy" if you will and it always reminds me why I never send them to begin with, as well as what I might need to focus more on in my own recovery.
Let me repeat, however, that I never, never, never send them. I write them, then I store them in a password protected file.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Cyranoak, I like your idea of the letter writing. There is still a place in me where she is living rent free in my head. It's just a small room but still I would like to evict her. I think I am going to right an eviction letter or two. Thanks for the great idea.
Your friend,
Your friend,
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by lrbear 
Quickly, on fighting.
You're right, fighting isn't the best word w/r/t relationships. Perhaps trying or striving would be better? I know he is sick, which is why it has nothing to do with how much he did or did not love me. But even so, I wish there were something about our relationship that attracted him enough to want to put the requisite hard work in. I hate the word "enough," but I wish there was something about our relationship that was enough for him, as it was for me--more than enough.
Again, I know that I shouldn't think like that. It's just hard not to.
You're right, fighting isn't the best word w/r/t relationships. Perhaps trying or striving would be better? I know he is sick, which is why it has nothing to do with how much he did or did not love me. But even so, I wish there were something about our relationship that attracted him enough to want to put the requisite hard work in. I hate the word "enough," but I wish there was something about our relationship that was enough for him, as it was for me--more than enough.
Again, I know that I shouldn't think like that. It's just hard not to.
Add addictions, and the "hard work" of intimacy becomes impossible. It's not about you. It's not that you aren't offering him enough to want to do the hard work. It's that he can't. He doesn't have it to give. Addicts just don't.
It is your thinking here - and its an easy fix to make in your perspective. Read about alcoholism. Learn how it effects the brain. How it effects the personality. How it stunts emotional growth and maturity. How alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. It's not about you.
I know its hard, because your mind is thinking like a non-addict. Took me a long time to find acceptance in this myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Excellent point.
As a guy from the Deep South I knew used to say when he heard something he felt was absolutely true, "Church!"
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
With healthy people, this is hard. We live in a society of disposable relationships. Bored? It's the person you are with, find someone new. Angry? It's the person you are with, find someone new. Attracted to someone new? Well by all means, you should "follow your heart"; you only live once, right? Go with that someone "new".
Add addictions, and the "hard work" of intimacy becomes impossible. It's not about you. It's not that you aren't offering him enough to want to do the hard work. It's that he can't. He doesn't have it to give. Addicts just don't.
It is your thinking here - and its an easy fix to make in your perspective. Read about alcoholism. Learn how it effects the brain. How it effects the personality. How it stunts emotional growth and maturity. How alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. It's not about you.
I know its hard, because your mind is thinking like a non-addict. Took me a long time to find acceptance in this myself.
Add addictions, and the "hard work" of intimacy becomes impossible. It's not about you. It's not that you aren't offering him enough to want to do the hard work. It's that he can't. He doesn't have it to give. Addicts just don't.
It is your thinking here - and its an easy fix to make in your perspective. Read about alcoholism. Learn how it effects the brain. How it effects the personality. How it stunts emotional growth and maturity. How alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. It's not about you.
I know its hard, because your mind is thinking like a non-addict. Took me a long time to find acceptance in this myself.
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