LoveMeNow

Friday, March 15, 2013

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Removing the Victim

Don't others see how much I'm hurting? Can't they see I need help? Don't they care?

The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, its because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not yet reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for awareness in another that we have not yet had.

It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.

Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.

dandylion

Dear Lovemenow, thanks for this post. I completely agree with this concept.

Don't you think that almost everyone who comes to this board--in crisis--views themselves as a victim? "He/She is doing this to me", "I have no option except to suffer--I am unable to help myself"

Do you think that those who are a bit more down the road to recovery should tell this to the newbies?

If so, how "blunt" should it be stated?

LoveMeNow, I am addressing these questions to you---BUT, also to anyone who would like to respond. These are questions that I have actually pondered.

very sincerely, dandylion

SparkleKitty

Dandylion I was just asking myself the same question. I think it is always a risk to point it out, but sooner or later it does seem to come to that. I look forward to others' opinions on it as well...

LoveMeNow

I came here thinking I was the "victim." I was also very comfortable in that role too. I had no idea the role I was playing in all of it. My denial ran deep. For me, it took a few great yet "blunt" posters (Anvil, CO, Dollydo to name a few) to shake me out of my denial. Oh, how I did not like them, lol. I did not like the truth at all. Today, I am forever grateful for their no nonsense, straight shooting wisdom. JMHO

DreamsofSerenity

I still feel like the victim!! Thank you for sharing that.

bumble

I am embarassed to admit I have been saying this, nearly verbatim, in my head. I was even ANGRY at my boyfriend for asking me to leave on account of my drinking problem. I whined, I raged, I cried "You're abandoning me when I need you most! You don't care about me!" I knew I was being selfish, but I never considered that I was casting myself as the victim.

Well, no more! I will fix this. Me. For myself. Because, despite everything, I'm NOT a bad person, and I deserve my care.


LoveMeNow, thank you for posting the excerpt!!

LoveMeNow

I also wanted to add, the gentle and wise posters like Ann, Kindeyes, Laurie, Impurrfect created a great balance for me.

(I post more on the F&F of substance abuse side)

pravchaw

I feel that I am drifting away from my friends and extended family. Dealing with my son's addiction has taken so much time, energy and resources there was not much left for anything else. Afterall family is big part of what we talk about with friends and relatives. Part of the issue is I feel bad when someone asks about my son. I feel bad in evading the answer. When they tell me how well their kids are doing, I congratulate them but my thoughts drift to my son and his wasted life and I begin to feel bad.

While I and my wife have made some progress in detaching - we have a long way yet to travel. I find comfort in the words of the Buddha, though I am long way from understanding them.

1. Life means suffering.
2. Suffering is due to attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable (through dispassion and detachment)
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering. (The middle way).

stella27

I think that I haven't fully processed the hurt and harm that was done to me in the last year that I was married to AXH. I didn't realize that was because I wanted others to take care of me - well, just him. I wanted him to take better care of his wife and family, and I learned that he just was not going to and that my being around him and having the children around him was dangerous to all of us.

In February he told me I was selfish for wanting to invite a couple that we were friends with over for supper. I thought we could grill steaks and he yelled at me about how extravagant that was. And he wouldn't get a cake or balloons, even though I thought the children would enjoy that. He said that I was doing it for myself and that they didn't care about having a birthday party for me (they were 7, 6 and 18 months. Prime partying ages.)

In May we were staying in a hotel and I had food poisoning. I threw up all night. The children were (thankfully) asleep, and he had drunk himself into oblivion and couldn't be roused.

The next night he was so drunk and belligerent that I gathered all the children into the bed with me. I was honestly frightened.

In June he picked a fight with me and then didn't like my tone so he drove off from the hotel with one of our children, leaving me with two of them, even though we had planned to follow each other. (we had 2 cars).

In August, he left all of us in Florida (we live in Texas) and said he was through being married.

I have been so busy trying to get the children and me over all that abandonment that I haven't taken any time to actually address it and feel compassion for myself.

I wonder if this is why I have difficulty being kind when others are making poor choices? Because I haven't forgiven myself?

dandylion

Dear TrustTheProcess and Stella, the way I look at it---it is human and "normal" for us to expect those that we have invested relationships with to notice when we hurt;need help;and need their caring.

I think that the problem lies in keeping ourselves in the position to be denied these things by those who can't or won't respond to us with respect, sensitivity, or loving ways.

There are many reasons that a person will stay in the "victim" position, of course. Early life experiences, our problems with self-worth, co-dependency, ignorance about the true nature of addiction/and the addicted, etc......

It seems that it is a process of coming to conscious awareness about how we fit into the picture---and coming to this awareness can be painful at times. And, it takes a lot of work to get there.

Personally, I think it is good to ventilate--to those who truly understand. I even think it is o.k. to cry for ourselves, and feel sorry for the ways we have been hurt. That is better than denial. As long as we don't get "stuck" in this state and follow it with honest self-examination and determination t take our own power back--I think it is o.k.

I don't think one should feel guilty for having seen oneself as a victim---when we come to self-awareness and know better---we do better. Feeling guilty an "beating up" on ourselves is NOT helpful---in fact, it is not being very loving to our selves.

This is just some of my views on the subject. I realize that others may have another take.

I have been working on this for a long time.

sincerely, dandylion