Who am I, anyway?
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Who am I, anyway?
My partner of almost four years and I broke up this past weekend. He admitted how much he's been drinking to me, and that he cheated on me. Neither of us view the breakup as permanent. He needs time to work on himself right now. He also knows that I'll definitely need to see his behavior change if we're going to try to work things out. I know I can't/shouldn't believe all the things he's saying right now, but so far, his actions and his words are seeming to line up... which is really refreshing, at least.
I, too, need time to work on myself. As you can imagine, I can be pretty codependent.
He's going to NA meetings again (and not just saying he's thinking about going, got busy, etc.). He got a sponsor. He's beginning to work the steps. We're both going to ACA meetings. I think that will be really valuable for me. I wish the meetings were closer, and that we didn't have to leave my place before 6 AM... but it's worth the drive! They've got books and workbooks coming in for us... I can't wait. A member lent us his book so we've been reading that until ours get here.
So anyway, a year before he and I got together (late 2008), I was assaulted on my college campus. Prior to that, I'd had trauma in my life, but I was still successful at pretty much everything I wanted to do. After the assault, my world turned upside down. I felt like I completely lost myself, and became a shell of a person. The relationship with my partner then began before I had recovered from that trauma.
I never really found myself. I don't want to just be a shell of a person. But I don't know how to go about figuring out who I am.
Many people answer that "who am I" question with their occupation, but I don't think that my occupation sufficiently answers that question. I just don't know how to go about figuring it out. I've got the space, now, from my relationship, to do this work on myself, and I want to.
I don't even know what people mean when they say "Who am I?" and I fear that all the things I want in life are too expensive (schooling, my dream career, etc.) or unattainable in some other way.
I, too, need time to work on myself. As you can imagine, I can be pretty codependent.
He's going to NA meetings again (and not just saying he's thinking about going, got busy, etc.). He got a sponsor. He's beginning to work the steps. We're both going to ACA meetings. I think that will be really valuable for me. I wish the meetings were closer, and that we didn't have to leave my place before 6 AM... but it's worth the drive! They've got books and workbooks coming in for us... I can't wait. A member lent us his book so we've been reading that until ours get here.
So anyway, a year before he and I got together (late 2008), I was assaulted on my college campus. Prior to that, I'd had trauma in my life, but I was still successful at pretty much everything I wanted to do. After the assault, my world turned upside down. I felt like I completely lost myself, and became a shell of a person. The relationship with my partner then began before I had recovered from that trauma.
I never really found myself. I don't want to just be a shell of a person. But I don't know how to go about figuring out who I am.
Many people answer that "who am I" question with their occupation, but I don't think that my occupation sufficiently answers that question. I just don't know how to go about figuring it out. I've got the space, now, from my relationship, to do this work on myself, and I want to.
I don't even know what people mean when they say "Who am I?" and I fear that all the things I want in life are too expensive (schooling, my dream career, etc.) or unattainable in some other way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Life's a journey of figuring out who we are, imo. It sounds like your still young- so you have lots of time still. I'm 50 and I'm still working on improving myself daily.
I think taking a break from the relationship is a great start. Spend this time being kind to you and working on you.
I think taking a break from the relationship is a great start. Spend this time being kind to you and working on you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello arabhorseluvr, Welcome!
Just as Hopeful stated above....who we were, who we are, and who we will become are life-long processes. And interestingly enough, you don't need a lot of money to start. If you would like to attend al-anon meetings, they might be very helpful! Your local library probably offers courses that might interest you for little or no money.
The best news is that you don't have to figure all of this out right now! Just one small thing at a time.
Good luck!
Just as Hopeful stated above....who we were, who we are, and who we will become are life-long processes. And interestingly enough, you don't need a lot of money to start. If you would like to attend al-anon meetings, they might be very helpful! Your local library probably offers courses that might interest you for little or no money.
The best news is that you don't have to figure all of this out right now! Just one small thing at a time.
Good luck!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It took me until I was in my 50's to actually get a handle on the real me. Being raised in a dramatic, stress laden home as a child, screwed me all up. My career was fine, my personal life was a mess.
Alanon meetings, self help books and a dash of therapy put me on the right tract. There are hundreds of books out there that would be of help to you, Amazon sells used ones at a fraction of it orig cost.
Left, right, left, right...one step at a time.
Alanon meetings, self help books and a dash of therapy put me on the right tract. There are hundreds of books out there that would be of help to you, Amazon sells used ones at a fraction of it orig cost.
Left, right, left, right...one step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Have you received any counseling for the trauma you experienced? Did the college offer you counseling services after the assault?(I am very sorry that happened to you). Sometimes we need a time of being "lost" in order to listen to what our psyche is trying to tell us. In our culture, when people feel lost they generally just force more busy-ness or unhealthy relationships in their lives, which keeps them more detached than ever from their psyche. But when we make time to reflect, to open ourselves to whatever messages our Higher Self is trying to tell us, gradually we find our way. But this can take a few years of inner work.
If you have not received any treatment for the trauma in your history, it might be a good idea to make that your priority for the next couple of years. It is often good to combine therapy with support groups. I think support group work alone is not enough for those with trauma histories, and in fact, because someone with trauma is so fragile, I worry that the wrong person will gain too much influence over you in a negative way. Even a sponsor can do this. I would be very protective of my psyche and choose with great discernment anyone to whom I would open myself. I would choose a professional skilled in trauma recovery to work with on the deepest and most serious issues from your past.
If your budget is limited, there are therapists who work on sliding scales and there is some free counseling available through Domestic Abuse centers as well. Their line is 1-800-799-SAFE if you need a referral to local counseling resources.
Trauma needs healing. It needs attention. Unaddressed it can send us off our path, for we unconsciously make choices which are influenced by what has happened to us and we are unaware we are doing so. A simple example of this is someone who was raised by an abusive father choosing abusive men to partner with in adulthood. Her emotional training in childhood has set her up to hurt herself in her adult life, but she is not aware of that. In counseling, and also by attending support groups, we gain awareness of what in our past is driving us in our present. And we can make better choices.
Who you are is not your occupation or your role in society or your public persona defined by any relationship. That is all external. It gives structure to the life in the most practical of ways. It can give purpose to life in terms of meaningful activity. But who you are transcends these roles. When we identify too closely with jobs, relationships, possessions, and other outer roles, it is a risk, for any one of those--and sometimes all of them at once--can be taken away. If we do not have a spiritual life which depends on nothing outside ourselves, we have nothing to support ourselves when everything we thought defined us is taken away. Many people here have had to rebuild themselves from the inside out when addiction entered their worlds and they lost the roles they had always played and the home they thought they would always have.
So, I hope you will seek a counselor who will support you, give you a safe and sacred container for your pain, and work with that person for at least a year, better two or three, if you can. It will help in so many ways.
If you have not received any treatment for the trauma in your history, it might be a good idea to make that your priority for the next couple of years. It is often good to combine therapy with support groups. I think support group work alone is not enough for those with trauma histories, and in fact, because someone with trauma is so fragile, I worry that the wrong person will gain too much influence over you in a negative way. Even a sponsor can do this. I would be very protective of my psyche and choose with great discernment anyone to whom I would open myself. I would choose a professional skilled in trauma recovery to work with on the deepest and most serious issues from your past.
If your budget is limited, there are therapists who work on sliding scales and there is some free counseling available through Domestic Abuse centers as well. Their line is 1-800-799-SAFE if you need a referral to local counseling resources.
Trauma needs healing. It needs attention. Unaddressed it can send us off our path, for we unconsciously make choices which are influenced by what has happened to us and we are unaware we are doing so. A simple example of this is someone who was raised by an abusive father choosing abusive men to partner with in adulthood. Her emotional training in childhood has set her up to hurt herself in her adult life, but she is not aware of that. In counseling, and also by attending support groups, we gain awareness of what in our past is driving us in our present. And we can make better choices.
Who you are is not your occupation or your role in society or your public persona defined by any relationship. That is all external. It gives structure to the life in the most practical of ways. It can give purpose to life in terms of meaningful activity. But who you are transcends these roles. When we identify too closely with jobs, relationships, possessions, and other outer roles, it is a risk, for any one of those--and sometimes all of them at once--can be taken away. If we do not have a spiritual life which depends on nothing outside ourselves, we have nothing to support ourselves when everything we thought defined us is taken away. Many people here have had to rebuild themselves from the inside out when addiction entered their worlds and they lost the roles they had always played and the home they thought they would always have.
So, I hope you will seek a counselor who will support you, give you a safe and sacred container for your pain, and work with that person for at least a year, better two or three, if you can. It will help in so many ways.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If the breakup isn't permanent it isn't a breakup. What I mean by that is this-- you are broken up or you are not. That doesn't mean that down the way if circumstances are different you can't begin to date, but it does mean that you go on with your life EXACTLY as if you are single. If you don't, you aren't broken up no matter how many times you say it.
If you have any chance at all of remaining together the one thing you are going to need is the ability to be honest with yourself at all times-- especially the worst times.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
If you have any chance at all of remaining together the one thing you are going to need is the ability to be honest with yourself at all times-- especially the worst times.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
If the breakup isn't permanent it isn't a breakup. What I mean by that is this-- you are broken up or you are not. That doesn't mean that down the way if circumstances are different you can't begin to date, but it does mean that you go on with your life EXACTLY as if you are single. If you don't, you aren't broken up no matter how many times you say it.
When this all started, even though we discussed it maybe not being permanent, we were going on with everything as if we were single (thus, we were broken up).
That didn't last long, and we have a few responsibilities to each other, but not the same as if we were where we were before this all happened, giving us more time to focus on ourselves, rather than each other. Call it whatever, for right now, that's the last of my worries. I need to focus on myself and my needs (for once), not the status of my relationship with him. I know what I expect of myself and of him in our arrangement, and he and I are on the same page here, and I'm not really going to worry about it more than that for the time being.
I'll reply more later... I'm at work.
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
I guess this is where we're at: we want to make sure neither of us is purely in it ebcause the other needs "rescuing." We want space to work on ourselves. And I can't speak for him on this last one, but at least for me, I want to try things again once I have a little more energy for a relationship (we both neglected it by the end last time around) and once I'm in a better spot to separate my issues from his.
This was (surprisingly) something I was good at for quite a while in our relationship--not taking responsibility for his issues, that is. And over the last year and a half I have REALLY struggled with it. I need to be better at that again! Knowing the whole truth of what was going on (him being in active addiction again) has already helped me to look at that last year and a half much differently. I want to go back into things once I'm in a better place to distinguish where my responsibility in the relationship starts and ends.
More later... Still at work...
This was (surprisingly) something I was good at for quite a while in our relationship--not taking responsibility for his issues, that is. And over the last year and a half I have REALLY struggled with it. I need to be better at that again! Knowing the whole truth of what was going on (him being in active addiction again) has already helped me to look at that last year and a half much differently. I want to go back into things once I'm in a better place to distinguish where my responsibility in the relationship starts and ends.
More later... Still at work...
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