Isolation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
Isolation
It's been a while since I've posted anything, I can get rather wrapped up in busy work even when I'm not at work...
My husband has been doing great with recovery, he's now at 106? days sober and working his program with a sponsor, attending AA upwards of 4days/week, IOP weekly and therapy/counseling to top it off. I'm so proud of him, I have to say I wasn't quite sure how well he would handle it all but he has definitely surprised me.
He is doing great! I on the other hand seem to be drowning in myself....
I have always felt 10 steps behind him in his recovery and I can't seem to catch up. Reason being? I haven't taken care of myself. I never have... I'm so caught up making sure life is comfortable for my family (RAH+4kids+2dogs+cat) that I throw myself under the bus.
He came home from an inpatient program in Jan and we were instructed to go to therapy together. I just so happened to land a very much needed job but have only been able to work around his schedule which can be exhausting to keep track of. In the mean time he continued therapy without me. It didn't bother me at first, I believe he needs to be able to get things out/off his chest (especially since he has yet to feel comfortable talking to me). I mentioned him scheduling an appt. when I had a day off so I would get a chance to go, that I needed it at least once a month. It's now March and my request has been ignored so far. Supposedly I have a shot at going to next weeks appt. but I refuse to get even a little excited over it, my luck it will be cancelled...
I have tried talking to my husband about my thoughts and feelings during this time, understanding his lack of responsibility/resolution for them. I'm screaming inside most days, I don't need fixed damn it, just hear me!!! I've spent a life time suppressing myself on every level, realizing I have been codependent since early childhood. When I first started dating my now RAH he forced me to step outside of my comfort zone. He knew that I held everything in and pushed me to open up, which I did. After a while I became comfortable talking and expressing feelings/emotions. Unfortunately that seemed to initiate him internalizing all of his (just months before treatment) I then reverted back to suppressing. After several failed attempts of talking to him about us or me, I gave up. It either turns extremely uncomfortable, he gets really defensive (even when it isn't a warranted response) or he just stares at the floor. The only time I've felt an ounce of relief is in therapy or through talking to my mom.
Last week while he was at a meeting I called my mom. We were discussing my H's progress and some things that my mom experienced when my father attended AA. It was amusing to hear some of radical things my father said/done when he lived with us, unfortunately or maybe fortunately I have no memory of that, I was 6yrs old when he moved out but I've spent a lifetime since then suppressing/repressing that I rarely have a memory before my teens. So my husband walks in before the conversation has ended and sits next to me like cheetah stalking it's prey, listening to everything... when I finished my phone call I asked how his meeting was and noticed he was uneasy. When I asked him if everything was ok he blew up at me and went on a huge rant asking if he was always going to be compared to my alcoholic father! I could understand how that is offensive, my father has many, many flaws BUT there was no comparison between him and my father, my mother was only relating to me. Immediately after his tirade was over I began to ponder if he is intentionally isolating me. Between the therapist, his need to monitor every telephone conversation I have in the house and now showing his extreme displeasure in me discussing his recovery or how I am managing.
In other words, I can't talk to him about how I feel, he makes it impossible for me to see the therapist and now I shouldn't discuss him with my own mother either. These things don't come off as mean, they just kinda happen. I couldn't tell you if it were conscious or unconscious or even if it were a normal response to the sense of guilt and shame he is unearthing while working his program. What I do know is that it hurts me. I have a very limited support system as it is and I need to be able to express myself and have human interaction. I am a better person when I let myself out.
Is it this common in early recovery?
My husband has been doing great with recovery, he's now at 106? days sober and working his program with a sponsor, attending AA upwards of 4days/week, IOP weekly and therapy/counseling to top it off. I'm so proud of him, I have to say I wasn't quite sure how well he would handle it all but he has definitely surprised me.
He is doing great! I on the other hand seem to be drowning in myself....
I have always felt 10 steps behind him in his recovery and I can't seem to catch up. Reason being? I haven't taken care of myself. I never have... I'm so caught up making sure life is comfortable for my family (RAH+4kids+2dogs+cat) that I throw myself under the bus.
He came home from an inpatient program in Jan and we were instructed to go to therapy together. I just so happened to land a very much needed job but have only been able to work around his schedule which can be exhausting to keep track of. In the mean time he continued therapy without me. It didn't bother me at first, I believe he needs to be able to get things out/off his chest (especially since he has yet to feel comfortable talking to me). I mentioned him scheduling an appt. when I had a day off so I would get a chance to go, that I needed it at least once a month. It's now March and my request has been ignored so far. Supposedly I have a shot at going to next weeks appt. but I refuse to get even a little excited over it, my luck it will be cancelled...
I have tried talking to my husband about my thoughts and feelings during this time, understanding his lack of responsibility/resolution for them. I'm screaming inside most days, I don't need fixed damn it, just hear me!!! I've spent a life time suppressing myself on every level, realizing I have been codependent since early childhood. When I first started dating my now RAH he forced me to step outside of my comfort zone. He knew that I held everything in and pushed me to open up, which I did. After a while I became comfortable talking and expressing feelings/emotions. Unfortunately that seemed to initiate him internalizing all of his (just months before treatment) I then reverted back to suppressing. After several failed attempts of talking to him about us or me, I gave up. It either turns extremely uncomfortable, he gets really defensive (even when it isn't a warranted response) or he just stares at the floor. The only time I've felt an ounce of relief is in therapy or through talking to my mom.
Last week while he was at a meeting I called my mom. We were discussing my H's progress and some things that my mom experienced when my father attended AA. It was amusing to hear some of radical things my father said/done when he lived with us, unfortunately or maybe fortunately I have no memory of that, I was 6yrs old when he moved out but I've spent a lifetime since then suppressing/repressing that I rarely have a memory before my teens. So my husband walks in before the conversation has ended and sits next to me like cheetah stalking it's prey, listening to everything... when I finished my phone call I asked how his meeting was and noticed he was uneasy. When I asked him if everything was ok he blew up at me and went on a huge rant asking if he was always going to be compared to my alcoholic father! I could understand how that is offensive, my father has many, many flaws BUT there was no comparison between him and my father, my mother was only relating to me. Immediately after his tirade was over I began to ponder if he is intentionally isolating me. Between the therapist, his need to monitor every telephone conversation I have in the house and now showing his extreme displeasure in me discussing his recovery or how I am managing.
In other words, I can't talk to him about how I feel, he makes it impossible for me to see the therapist and now I shouldn't discuss him with my own mother either. These things don't come off as mean, they just kinda happen. I couldn't tell you if it were conscious or unconscious or even if it were a normal response to the sense of guilt and shame he is unearthing while working his program. What I do know is that it hurts me. I have a very limited support system as it is and I need to be able to express myself and have human interaction. I am a better person when I let myself out.
Is it this common in early recovery?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Sweetie, please excuse the observation if it is hurtful.
Don't we all as codependents spend most if not all of our time focusing on others.
I know I did.
Please, if no one elses schedule matches yours, find yourself an individual counselor and begin your own journey of healing.
I say this with the deepest care and concern.
Love to you , Katie
Don't we all as codependents spend most if not all of our time focusing on others.
I know I did.
Please, if no one elses schedule matches yours, find yourself an individual counselor and begin your own journey of healing.
I say this with the deepest care and concern.
Love to you , Katie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You deserve someone to talk to just for you. Trying to make him that person isn't working, and waiting for him to accommodate your schedule isn't working, so go and make it happen for yourself.
As for not being allowed to talk to your mom? Come on. If he listens in, you are 'allowed' to leave the room or ask him to leave. If he follows you or won't leave, you are 'allowed' tell your mom you'll have to call her back another time when you can speak privately. You have a lot more control over your recovery than you are giving yourself credit for.
As for not being allowed to talk to your mom? Come on. If he listens in, you are 'allowed' to leave the room or ask him to leave. If he follows you or won't leave, you are 'allowed' tell your mom you'll have to call her back another time when you can speak privately. You have a lot more control over your recovery than you are giving yourself credit for.
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