Sally2222

This morning I am ashamed of myself, I act like a crazy selfish women.
I quit smoking and this morning I really had to fight with my self not to stop and buy a pack and just have ONE smoke. (I didn't )
Long story short, My A has been sober for almost four years now. And we have come such a long way. Only I am stuck on Jealousy, I just don't trust him. I feel crazy, We've built a business together and we live and work together and a few years ago I would never have believed that even fesable.
And I know that given the fact that we spend way too much time together it works out pretty well. Except for the odd blow out. Like this morning.
He's usually the moody one, and Im tip toeing around his mood swings in order to keep the piece. communication leave's alot to be desired. We don't communicate very well, not about personal issues. He won't ever discuss anything remotely uncomfortable. He's very closed, always has been. In the drinking days, He pretty much had a secret life, having affair after affair. Calling women, infront of me. I'd catch him when he was drunk.
I left several time's due to this and the crazy drinking, One crisis after the other. I always came back and told myself it was because he was drunk, wasn't thinking straight, didnt know what he was doing. Because it made no sense. We had it all, a beautiful house, family ext.
And I loved him, he was my world, I built my world around him, and still do.
That's probably where my crazy fear come's from.
I'm always suspiciouse, I still think he's talking to other women, and it drives me crazy. He argues that I am with him every minute of the day, and this is mostly true. But he just does things that make me question him.
Like, erasing the redials in the phone, all phones, closing the internet page when I walk in. ( I've checked the history) Im vigilant, found porn sites.
But theres times when I walk in from outside and suddenly he's on the phone and suddenly he accidently knocks the phone of the desk and then fumbles wiht the buttons to of course erase the last number redialed. I notice but I ask myself " Am I imagining this? Am I crazy?
If I dare ask him about it, he goes into a rage, and I feel insecure and crazy.
But I know he'll never tell me the truth. Never,. Thats what keeps me suspecting and feeling crazy.
We had a big blow out this moring over that, I just don't trust him, I told him I was taking the day off. (cause Im moody as hell).
I can't stand to be lied to, it just rip's my stomach into pieces.
I know I won't get any kind of resolve from him, he will not communicate at all. He just denies anything and all past present and future. Which just leaves me sitting in limbo. And feeling crazier.
Help............I'm gonna drive him to drink

LexieCat

You can't drive him to drink, but you can drive him away from you.

Maybe some marriage counseling is in order, now that the alcoholism is under control? Sounds like you both have some work to do on communication and trust.

laurie6781

WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place, with lots and lots of
Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are,
or are where you are.

I have to admit, after reading your introductory post, I am confused about what
you actually 'love' about this guy. Almost 4 years sober and he is still doing the
acts and actions that make you jealous. Or is it that you 'love' having the nice house
and the money from a successful business?

Maybe, before even attending any Alanon meetings and/or getting some one on
one therapy, it would be wise to do a PRO/CON list of what is good and what is not
about being in a relationship with this fellow. Take an 8 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper,
draw a line down the middle of it the long way, write on the top of each half, one
side PRO and one side CON.

Now this list will probably take several days, every time you think of something put
it on the list. When you finally think you are done, take a look at the whole list and
that should give you a better idea of why you stay or should you go.

You know sometimes when our A is an asshat while drinking, the only thing that
changes when they get sober is they become a sober asshat. In other words they
are still an ass. Then we have to decide if we want to continue to live with the sober
asshat.

Alanon is for you. You will learn a lot about yourself, you will learn tools to use to
set your own personal boundaries on what you will and will not accept, and so much
more.

Based on my own experiences, if I were you, I would sit him down and tell him softly
but honestly my concerns and how I do not trust him because of his ongoing 'secretive'
acts and actions. Then I would sit back and watch how he reacts to what I had just
said. If he gets angry and points the finger at me, or storms off, I have my answer.
If he is willing to sit there and discuss solutions to this problem, I will also have my
answer and both answers will be different.

I/we cannot tell you what to do. The above is what I would do.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care so much.
Feel free to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh with us. We will walk
with you in spirit. Please think about going to Alanon and/or getting some private
counseling.

Love and hugs,

ps: you CANNOT drive him to drink and you CANNOT keep him sober, that is ALL on his shoulders and is his responsibility, even though he may try and blame you.

Sally2222

Thank you all for your reply, my stomach sunk when you said I could drive him away. I could and thats what scares the hell out of me. I just want to be the secret phone call, the one he talks to. I have tried every tactic known to man and women to get him to communicate. He won't talk. Ever. It doesn't matter what i say or do nice or mean. Time and Time I have gotten the answer. He gets angry and shuts down. We avoid talking for a few days, then we just continue on to keep the peace. I know it makes no sense, and it will more then likely continue like this for the rest of our life. The succesful business is still being built, we work hard at it, it's not easy. We built it up from the ground, and he pulls most of the weight. I guess we both have different assets we bring to the table. For the most part we ACT professional and get along. It's the odd day when the real unresolved issues bubble up. (we spend sooooo much time together). by choice. But this is making me more clingy.
I have spent time away, we separated during his drinking for a year. I know I would be ok on my own if I had to. I love my husband, I want it to work. The house we have worked very hard for and I'd never say my life has ever been cushy. I know that if I left he relationship It would be quit different for me financialy. But that is not the reason I stay.

marie1960

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

You spend your life walking on eggshells.

You spend you days trying to catch him in a lie.

The two of you cannot communicate.

And you don't trust him.

I do not know how any relationship can thrive without trust. You are scarred from his unacceptable past behavior/actions. Jealousy will eat you alive. Your self worth has taken a real beating.

Hope you seek out a therapist to help you sort all this out. It's not going to get better on it's own.


peace.

Sally2222

Thank you once again, I had to laugh at your reply, so ironicly true. I know it doesn't make sense. But this is were Im at, and this is why I post. Cause it isn't going away on its own. And I will remain crazy, just need to figure out the first step back to sanity? Usually Im too busy to even hear my own thoughts. Haven't slept properly all week. Reality bites and Im tired, maybe too tired to face the truth. The lie is easier perhaps. I don't know. councelling, I've been to a thousand, he has been through recovery. I know that we could most definatly benefit from councelling. I have asked him in the past, He wasn't interested, he's in denial, thinks everything is fine and Im crazy.(Im the problem).
but perhaps I will try again, Im sure it wouldn't hurt.
I have told him, that I want you to devorce me rather then cheat on me. Slap me with the truth rather than kiss me with a lie. But remember it's hard to resolve an issue if it's not even acknowledged? He denies, lie's, evades, distracts, like a child. He will do anything to avoid confrentation. I know its crazy. But its my life

marie1960

You can go to therapy ALONE.

Change begins with you, my friend.


Rereading your post, I was left with the impression that other than the removal of alcohol from your hubby's life, nothing has changed. He is still a loose cannon.

Has he ever acknowledged his unacceptable and disrespectful behavior to you?

HopefulmomtoD

Of course, you don't trust him- he's had many affairs. IMO, he should be very willing to prove to you that he is trustworthy. Just as an alcoholic needs to earn back trust from their loved ones, a person who has had an affair/s needs to earn back their spouse's trust. The things you describe would make me suspicious. And, given his history, he would not be hiding phone dialing history from me, lol.

Marriage counseling would help with the communication.

You are worried about driving him away? He should be worried about keeping you.

Tuffgirl

I love this ^^^^^^^^ thanks MomtoD. Well said!

Hhhmmm, I remember crazy Tuffgirl. I hated that person. One day I woke up and said NO MORE to crazy Tuffgirl. It is not who I want to be - EVER. And no man will drive me to that point again - EVER.

Relationships take two to work. Two people making an effort. Two people being as considerate as they can be to each other (no one is perfect, of course, but a serious effort should be made nonetheless).

If this relationship is making you crazy, I'd spend some quality time figuring out why. And lastly, let me just say that yes, your suspicions could be hold-overs from past affair behavior. But I lean more toward your intuition is accurate.

Just because someone gets sober doesn't mean the leopard changes his spots.

Florence

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

From living with an addict, I coped by learning not to listen to my gut, and by not asking questions. Turns out that my gut was usually right. If I was confused by his behavior, if I felt like something was wrong, it was not only usually true but I was in the dark by his design.

Have you ever heard of the term "gaslighting"? It's a form of emotional abuse that we see a lot in addictive relationships that makes you question your own sanity instead of the sanity of the person who's loaded.

I'd skip the marriage counseling. I'd go to individual counseling, not because you're extra crazy or anything, but because living with an addict is traumatic and it sounds like you need some space and time to ask the big questions about your life and how to clear a path to be where you want to be. Having standards in your relationship, expecting your partner to communicate with you, needing resolution to past hurts, none of these things make you a bitch. Unfortunately, your partner doesn't sound like he's capable of or willing to meet these standards.

GreenBeans

You're in a relationship with someone who, once upon a time, cheated on you. You will never forget what happened, but you chose to stay. You're only going to make life tougher on both of you, if you continue to spy, snoop, question, etc... Give him a chance to prove he isn't that same person anymore.
He has been sober for four years. That's an amazing accomplishment. Cheating is unacceptable; however, you chose to forgive him, so give him a chance.

SparkleKitty

Is there any possibility of you getting away by yourself for a long weekend or some such? Your professional and private lives are so enmeshed; there's such a tangle here I wonder if you wouldn't benefit from a few days' distance...physically and emotionally. It might help clarify your perspective on what you want and how you might get there.

Sally2222

Wow, Thank you all for your replies, They were all very helpful. I got through the day. I pulled myself together and went to work and focused on the things I wanted to accomplish. I didn't bring anything up, brought him lunch. And peaced out in my own mind. Because I do still own my mind.
I do think I need to distance myself right now, take care of me, even if it's just emotionaly.
I am once again gratful for all of your advice, and do think that I would benefit from some councelling. (again).
Need to get some sleep, get some me time, even if it's a walk alone. One day at time.
one day at a time.
Thank you

AlcoholicLove

Without trust in a relationship, you have nothing.
Been there.

Sally2222

I know you are right, it's really too bad because it's so easy to fix. Guess I've learned to accept it the way it is. Guess that explains my constant state of Blah..........

cerene

1. If you think he's cheating in person, hire a private investigator.

2. If you think he's cheating by phone, one of those phone relationships, get a copy of your phone records. Call the cell phone company and ask them how to get a detailed listing.

He's not going to tell you the truth and letting it go and focusing on you is not going to get you the truth. 1 or 2 above will get you the truth. Keep it simple.

Cyranoak

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

This will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. I promise. Try six meetings, some different, before deciding if you will continue or not.

Cyranoak (Recovering Super a**ho**-- I relapse still, but not nearly like I used to)

Cyranoak

This, right here, is very common behavior in alcoholics, even many who are no longer drinking. It's one of their go to techniques for not having to be accountable for their own behavior. We call it gas-lighting. Both alcoholics and codependents are really good at it typically. By attacking others it takes the focus off of self.

Laurie is right that it tells you everything you need to know. BTW, when they do it, don't bother to defend yourself. You already have the answer you need in order to determine your next step.

AnvilheadII

i must respectfully disagree with you Cerene...you are suggesting the exact things that drive us codies nuts! a private investigator??? FURTHER snooping thru phone records???

i think the OP already KNOWS in her gut what is going on - it's more a matter of accepting it and then acting accordingly. we know what we know and many of us even with presented with irrefutable evidence will still choose to live in the fantasy world where none of this is really happening.

sally, he sounds like a serial cheater. and the behaviors he had before continue today. he's secretive and rageful when confronted, you are exasperated, full of insecurity and on edge. that's no way to live.

LoveMeNow

The thing that made me the craziest was questioning my own instincts. The self doubt made me nuts. Today, I have learned to trust myself and my instincts. They have never failed me yet/ I guess there was a part of me that didn't want to believe it either. Denial is very powerful.