Talking to people outside the relationship about the relationship OK/not OK?
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
even if it was a big relationship "no-no" which I don't think it is, would it be wise to protect "the relationship" at the expense of your own emotional needs? what sort of relationship would that be?
All my friends sometimes talk about their relationships, it helps them to get a sense of proportion as they speak about it, it also helps them to gauge how they feel - because IF they are constantly complaining about it then something needs to change.
I was very loyal to ex, I hardly ever spoke about what was going on, to my family or his, but I did tell a few friends of mine some of it (a very cleaned up version of a tiny bit of how bad it was). he was very far from pleased either, despite the fact that he was feeding his family with loads of lies about me - I couldn't work out what was behind some of their comments to me for the longest time, until after we divorced in fact.
keeping those secrets did me real harm, a relationship is not a secret fragile thing that will break if talked about with other human beings.
All my friends sometimes talk about their relationships, it helps them to get a sense of proportion as they speak about it, it also helps them to gauge how they feel - because IF they are constantly complaining about it then something needs to change.
I was very loyal to ex, I hardly ever spoke about what was going on, to my family or his, but I did tell a few friends of mine some of it (a very cleaned up version of a tiny bit of how bad it was). he was very far from pleased either, despite the fact that he was feeding his family with loads of lies about me - I couldn't work out what was behind some of their comments to me for the longest time, until after we divorced in fact.
keeping those secrets did me real harm, a relationship is not a secret fragile thing that will break if talked about with other human beings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Really the more I build a support network the more I realize how important it is and how much I've needed it, missed it. To me it seems it is because of his fears that he doesn't want me reaching out. Fear of his actions being known, fear of people judging him, fear of losing me, fear of people poisoning me against him. I wish he trusted me enough to know that I can make up own mind up on other people's opinions, just because they tell me something, or think something doesn't mean I'm going to go along with it! I can make my own decisions! Its sad that after all this time, all the crazy things I've done (such as giving up friends) to show him that I was there to stay, that I loved him, that I was trustworthy, that he still can't believe it. There is nothing I could ever do to convince him, I see that now, which is why I'm not willing to give up those things anymore. He has to choose to trust me, I can't make him do that. But by the same token I am nowhere near ready to choose to trust him!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by Wavy 
Really the more I build a support network the more I realize how important it is and how much I've needed it, missed it. To me it seems it is because of his fears that he doesn't want me reaching out. Fear of his actions being known, fear of people judging him, fear of losing me, fear of people poisoning me against him. I wish he trusted me enough to know that I can make up own mind up on other people's opinions, just because they tell me something, or think something doesn't mean I'm going to go along with it! I can make my own decisions! Its sad that after all this time, all the crazy things I've done (such as giving up friends) to show him that I was there to stay, that I loved him, that I was trustworthy, that he still can't believe it. There is nothing I could ever do to convince him, I see that now, which is why I'm not willing to give up those things anymore. He has to choose to trust me, I can't make him do that. But by the same token I am nowhere near ready to choose to trust him!!!
Trust is not in something that alcoholics understand. They trust no one. Only their DOC.
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