How do you trust again?

Old 03-12-2013, 07:36 PM
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How do you trust again?

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site. My boyfriend was admitted to the hospital for severe Delerium Tremens at the end of January, he was so bad that it was touch and go as to whether he would recover physically/mentally. He's on the road to recovery now but the problem is that he was able to hide his alcoholism from EVERYONE! No one had a clue! we have only been dating for 6 months but I didn't see it at all. He was able to hide it so well and function fully and never actually got "drunk", he held a full time job and so when all this happened it came as a shock to many people. After that his family cleaned out his house and that was when we discovered the extent of his drinking. The found 89 empty bottles of hard liquor hidden all over the house in places no one else would think to go.

He says that he understands everything and he currently still on the psychiatric unit at the hospital. He has been there for the last 7 weeks and they are trying to get him into a rehab facility but that is going to take time. He says that he just wants to go home and get back to normal but we all think he needs to go to rehab. But we know that it has to be his decision.

Sorry for rambling on a bit! My thing is that I want to believe him and not always doubt him but I'm not sure how I can trust him again, does it get easier?

Any/all comments are appreciated!
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:53 PM
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Hi kiloco, welcome - glad you found SR but sorry for what brought you here. There are lots of folks here who have been where you are and who can offer support.

Since your boyfriend is still in the hospital, and while it's great that he IS currently sober, he hasn't had too much choice in staying sober. Trust will have to be earned and will come with time by him choosing sobriety and recovery.

I suggest you focus your efforts on you. He's in good hands & is in good care. Take this time to learn about the disease and to reach out for support - SR's a great start, but you can also try Al Anon or Smart Recovery (different approaches, but both focus on you instead of the alcoholic).

Strength & hugs to you!
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:02 PM
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I went to an Al-Anon meeting last week but my job has unfortunately prevented me from going to further meetings but I plan to continue to go.

The part that definitely concerns me is that he is showing reluctance to go to rehab, but he says its not because he doesn't think he should go its because he just wants to go home. Being in the psych unit for the last 7 weeks has definitely been hard on him emotionally because obviously the help that he needs now isn't what the mental health nurses on the unit can provide. He got really upset today because he was told that it could be another 3-4 weeks before he gets in and that is IF he get accepted.

I'm just worried that if he doesn't get into the program and he is discharged without further help then he will relapse.
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:29 PM
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Many alcoholics do relapse. My husband was in rehab for 31 days, had 38 days sober, and he relapsed these last 5. Rehab doesn't guarantee sobriety. And sobriety isn't the only goal here - recovery is the bigger goal. He has to want it and he has to work it. I'm realizing that now. I'm also realizing that relapse is quite often part of the process. Some people come back from it and some don't. We can only hope that our loved ones are the success stories and try our best to support them through their recovery.

Worrying about him won't change anything. Trust me, I come from a long line of adept worriers - nothing good comes from it. Educate yourself. Arm yourself with information and tools to help you navigate this tough time. A very eye-opening thing for me was watching Pleasure Unwoven - it's available in full on YouTube, and it's a great insight into addiction and what it does to the addict, physically and mentally. It's a debilitating, terrible disease, and it can't be cured, but recovery is possible. And it's possible for you to work on your own recovery as well.

This forum has been a godsend for me. There are so many here who can understand how you're feeling and what you're going through. I wish I could make you feel better, but all I can do is let you know that you're not alone and encourage you to keep reaching out for help and support.
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Old 03-13-2013, 04:17 AM
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My 22 yo son is a recovering alcoholic. I had a similar experience of cleaning and finding an incredible amount of hidden bottles. I had never seen my son drunk at the time - he managed to hide it and do most of his drinking after we went to bed.

My past year has been a series of hospitalization/detox/relapse/hospitalization/detox/30 day rehab/6 months sober living/relapse/21 day rehab- so far, sober 60+ days. I write that to show that it can be quite a roller coaster ride as our loved ones attempt sobriety. Some get sober and stay sober the first time- although they are in a small minority. More do what my son has done- periods of sobriety followed by a relapse.

Your original question about how to trust again- its very hard. I understand for you its especially difficult because you can't tell when he's drinking and fear you will be fooled again. I agree with PP and read and educate yourself on addiction and codependency. You don't have to make an immediate decision- but, you may decide its a ride you want to get off of. I think if I wasn't a parent, I would have stopped putting up with my DS a while ago.
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Old 03-13-2013, 09:31 AM
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"You don't have to make an immediate decision- but, you may decide its a ride you want to get off of. "

I totally agree with HopefulMom.
As you said, you have only been with him for six months. Relationships and Recovery often do not go hand in hand.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:40 AM
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I had same problem Kiloco. Nobody knew about my xabf problem (he's coke addict). I felt stupid as we've been together almost all the time. He hide it so well that neighter his family, coworkers, friends, best mates and flatmates new! Literally nobody! I was shocked as well when he told me, I actually though he was having a laught...

Well we've got right not to know. I never knew Anybody who was addicted, i didn't know symptoms. And as you me and my x been together for 7months. It's the time when you learning the other person and build your trust. It's easy to be manipulated as you don't know him well. Being tired and moody - hard day at work, fine. Being secretive - I like to solve my problems by myself, fine. You just believe in every single excuse.

But it's a good question, I ask it myself everyday: how to trust again? No clue...
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:24 AM
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Okay, I'm gonna get real here. He is an alcoholic who appears to have mastered hiding it. He wants to go home and get back to "normal"???? His normal is active drinking. He is sober now because he is under someone's watch. It will not last if he is not in active recovery.

He has a loooooong loooong way to go. The fact that he has severe DT's tells you that his disease is pretty bad. It is a progressive disease, it will get even worse from here with any relapse. There is no promise of success, especially when he doesn't want to pursue rehab. How do you trust him? You don't. Not now, maybe ever.

You are only 6 months in to this relationship? With the kindest of intensions, I would say RUN now. Going to Alanon is great, it will help you understand what's happened and will make sure you're healthy moving forward in your life. But if you aren't tied to him by marriage, finances, etc and you can move forward....move forward. Otherwise, you are signing up for a difficult life. (((hugs)))
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Old 03-14-2013, 03:50 PM
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He says that he just wants to go home and get back to normal.

Take it from a real alcoholic/addict, he's going to get drunk. Sobriety is hard and recovery is harder. It's scary and tiring and overwhelming and nobody can do it for you. It's taken the greatest love of your life, alcohol, and walking away from it. Do you know how hard it is too walk away from him? Walking away from alcohol is 100 times harder. It can be done but it takes everything you have to do it. If your BF wants to come home, he's not ready. He still thinks he can manage it, which is not unusual. You would think he would be ready considering what he's been through, but he's not. He's going to come home, try to white knuckle it for awhile, and then have "just one" and it's going to be on again.

I suggest you wait on the "building trust" part because you still have a lot of lies and manipulations to get through. I would read the boards, try to get to as many Al Anon meetings as you can, and slow your relationship way, way down. This disease is no joke and it'll destroy you if you let it.
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Old 03-14-2013, 04:12 PM
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Cerene,

I hope you keep posting. I'm really appreciating and learning from hearing your POV.
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Old 03-14-2013, 04:38 PM
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I agree that "normal" for him means going back to drinking. I wouldn't be too concerned about "building trust" right now, because (lol, I almost said, "trust me") he is NOT trustworthy at this time. He will say whatever will get him the chance to go home and pick up where he left off.

Forcing him into rehab is iffy. I can't say that it WON'T work--I've known a few people who did choose sobriety once they had a real taste of recovery even though it was, essentially, forced on them. But I would say that the people most likely to recover are those who decided on their own that they could no longer live the way they were living.

I'm sorry to say I tend to agree that the best thing for you right now might be to extricate yourself from the relationship if you can possibly bring yourself to do that. If not, I strongly suggest that you get involved in Al-Anon--you have a very bumpy road ahead of you, and dealing with an active alcoholic brings nothing but heartache. It will make you "sick" as well unless you have strong boundaries and a sense of what "healthy" looks like.

Incidentally, I have been in two alcoholic marriages--one got sober, and the other went back to drinking after almost dying from it, and I am four and a half years sober now, myself.
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