AnvilheadII

so you'd let her stay regardless? do you not have a voice here? a clear concept of the type of life you want to lead, and what is acceptable and unacceptable? cuz you are sounding a bit on the "helpless" side here like this all happening around you and you don't know why. i think somewhere inside there is a feeling of relief that the last stop on the crazy train is up ahead and you can GET OFF. and that might even be part of your anxiety - that conflicted feeling of "not sure i want you to go but would you hurry the hell up and leave already!!!!"

Katiekate

How could you possilbly be the cause of her drinking???

And when she leaves , and you're not around, she then will not be drinking, taking ambien and klonopin.

Please , take sometime for you, try to begin to sort some of this out, what she is saying is coming from a toxic , manipulative, damaged brain and psyche.

Was she not drinking when you met her????

You must be exhausted, I know when I finally handed the insanity over I was mental, emotional, physical and spirtiual train wreck.

Once I started getting a bit of rest and time away from it all, things became a bit clearer.

Honey, I am sensing a ton of denial on your part. I recognize it because I too was in denial. She is not the person or the potential that you are romanticizing, she is an alcoholic.

Big Hug katie

m1k3

Manmust, one thing that really helped me was to stop trying to figure out why.

She is leaving simply because she chooses to. Why doesn't really matter.

There is a zen saying that fits this very well.

If you understand, then things are just as they are.
If you don't understand, then things are just as they are.

marie1960

"Don't be surprised if she pulls a 180 on her opinion if this tactic doesn't work. Just because she's in a corner doesn't mean she won't try climbing the walls, ya know? (firesprite)

Oh firesprite, you nailed this. I remember very well the change of tactics used by XA. He actually faked a "come to Jesus moment", and why can't I embrace his new found love of the Lord........ ( and i'm thinking you are going to use Jesus against me) I'm thinking my problem is not with Jesus, it's with YOU! Just WOW!

It's possibly going to get worse before it gets better, Manmust. Stand your ground.

Manmust

You guys are so helpful.

I told her this morning I had an audio recording of her drunken rumblings to me from Friday night. She's mad I recorded her without her knowing. Calls it sneaky. Wants me to erase. I'm not planning on playing for anyone. Is she so upset because it destroys her idea that she doesn't have a problem?

Katiekate

No, she is upset because she is losing her enabler.

She is upset because you see her drinking as a problem.

But she is not upset enough to quit, or change anything.

But you are what is important, you and your child.

We spend alot of time in this process trying to figure out someone else. Someone we have no control over.

FireSprite

It would shatter her illusions - the ones she has built up like protective walls that keep her from dealing with her realities.

Katiekate

Manmust

It's okay to let go, it really is.

AnvilheadII

i suggest going with what Katie said cuz my reply was much shorter -

Is she so upset because it destroys her idea that she doesn't have a problem?

who gives a rat's @ss??? she's upset. period. boo flipping hoo. see that's the codie line right there.....WE are incapable of simply allowing another person to feel mad/sad/upset/angry/depressed/off - nope, we have to know WHY cuz then AHA we can fix it. our ego says others are not allowed to feel anything that upsets US, they must be happy at all times, because of how well that reflects on us.

so once again, she's upset. period. doesn't matter why, cuz it's HER stuff. HER stuff. HER life. her choices.

then over here we have YOUR stuff, YOUR life, YOUR choices.

quit trying to engage with the crazy woman!!! you aren't going to WIN. you aren't going to find that perfect combination of letters, vowels and syllables that will finally get HER to see the light and conform to what you want her to be. sh'es not going to go poof and become this mythical dream girl in your head.

IMHO there is no way that someone as catty, snarky, selfish and just plain mean could EVER have been that nice a person to begin with.

Katiekate

Let go of her.

Let go of your pain.

Let go of feeling like it's the end of the world.

Let go of outcomes, and promises, and dreams, and ideas, and fixing, and beating yourself up, and it's okay to feel the pain, and grieve, and be vunerable, and scared.

It's all okay. One step, on minute, one day at a time.

Let go, your HP will be there for you, and so will we.

LexieCat

I'm still confused here, because you have stated repeatedly that you did not want to live with her the way she is. So she says she is moving out and you are all in a tizzy.

Don't you get it? She is calling your bluff. I would bet dollars to donuts that she is betting you will beg her to stay, and then will try to feed you some line about "behaving" or "controlling my drinking" or whatever. And you will be right back to square one with a manipulative drunk endangering everyone in your household while she does her thing.

Incidentally, you might want to check the wiretap laws in your state. In several states recording someone without their knowledge is illegal. You don't need to hand her that kind of weapon. And you aren't going to convince her or shame her into quitting drinking by letting her listen to it. She will only be angrier and more resentful than she already is.

Let her go. Help her pack. Wave your hankie at her as she drives off into the sunset. You don't need this in your life.

Manmust

She's packing right now.

Don't think she's faking. It's what it should be though. Deep down I know that. I just gotta stay there

my3sonsnme

As crazy as I felt I was...and as much as I nagged and demanded..I know that I do not have the power nor did I hold a gun to my STBXRAHs head and make him drink. That was his choice,over and over, alone. I will take the blame for a lot of things..but that is NOT one of them. He can spin that story and tell me and everyone else who is stupid enough to listen and it still wont make it true...

Tuffgirl

It took me years to accept that my XAH was going to give it all up - to be right!

To be justified.

To drink when and if he wanted.

To be blameless.

But he did. It is what addicts do. And many folks out there who are not addicts but are not mature enough to accept their responsibilities in life. Or too insecure to admit they may be wrong.

He gave it all up. Blew my freakin' mind. But he did. And that is that. But you know what? I am still here, I am doing well - no I am thriving - my kids have rebounded. We still have some residual hurt feelings and a sense of rejection, but over time, that passes. I miss my fantasy guy. I really loved that guy. Hope I meet another one like that who is REAL THIS TIME!

You are going to be fine. Sure, it doesn't feel like it now. But you will. And yes, she will go down with the ship, waving her "I'm right!" flag, before she admits she is an alcoholic. Let her go.

Manmust

She did say that "who knows, you may end up moving in with me"
I told her, don't get a 3 bedroom just for me, I don't want to get blamed for you paying more rent

stella27

Now might be a good time to stop discussing this. I learned that constantly having talks kept me hanging on and kept my AXH in a position of having some power over me.

ShootingStar1

Manmust it is okay to do what YOU need to do. Period.

You are doing great. Maybe write down why you are doing what you're doing in a couple of sentences, and keep it in your pocket.

After I left my abusive AH of almost 20 years last July 4th, I went through ups and downs and doubting myself and grief and anger and wanting to go back and wanting to never go back. Every contradictory emotion you can imagine. My AH went through a rollercoaster of approaches to me - great anger, threats, pleading, promising eternal love, promising eternal "good behavior", bullying, threatening me with financial destruction and emotional devastation, everything in the book.

My heart went up and down and turned inside out and into a pretzel during all of this.

My head said "stay the course", and I did, despite the volatility of my emotions and his emotions.

Now, with almost 9 months away, I can't imagine how I survived in that abusive, self-destructive environment. He's continued to do what he was doing. That is his choice.

I am getting healthier day by day. That is my choice, and I needed to be on my own to do this.

Hang in there, you are on the way toward health.

ShootingStar1

Manmust

Stella, great idea!

Shootingstar, wow. That sums up everything perfectly. I don't veer into the subject. She does.


Her son told his sister(the 19 year old in college) that he wants to move out. Says that I treat his mom better than any man ever has. Doesn't want us to break up, but my house doesn't feel like home.

Some days are better than others. Some moments do the same. Right now is good. Reading everything yesterday seemed to pull me back to reality. I really cannot ever pay you guys back enough. I hope I can help others in the future like you guys have for me.

Katiekate

Oh but you do pay us back, everyday.

You see, we are growing with you.

xo

peridotbleu

Is this something like a "God Box"? In my Alanon meeting yesterday, they were talking about the "God Box" and I think that might be something that I want to start. They said you dont have to call it your God Box - it could by your HP Box - but several have said how Kooky they thought it sounded, but how much it has helped them since they gave into the idea and started using one.
Just a thought! Hang in there, you are stronger than you think :-)