MamaKit

Aside from his time/custody/care/ with regard to the children, does it even matter anymore that my STBX is an A?

I have no idea if he's currently drinking or not - what I do know is that he is, more often than not, a complete jerk looking to drag this divorce process out. He appears to have taken no responsibility for anything and has not paid me one red cent in child support!

YET, I keep reading about addiction, alcoholism, narcissism - I guess to try and find some answers or some way of understanding his behavior and how I should view it and behave myself. I'm not sure it's getting me anywhere!!!!

I'm overwhelmed with work and am likely more sensitive than normal at the moment. But I'm so tired of trying to understand him and figure out ways how to best deal with him because he has this disease. I know it is ultimately to help me get through this -BUT I feel as though I have to change my thought process and reactions to "accomodate" the havoc he has or will wreak. I have a protection order against him and we only communicate by email but it still feels (at least right now) that it is all about HIM HIM HIM! It feels like such a waste of my time.

I need a release! I need a break from his invasion of my brains, my emotions, my life!!!!!

Isn't it true that he is just an irresponsible jerk? Why (aside from the boys) does the fact that he is an alcoholic even matter anymore?

MamaKit

AlcoholicLove

Take the alcohol from an alcoholic irresponsible jerk and what do you have?
Yep-a irresponsible jerk, minus the alcohol....

SparkleKitty

In my opinion? Nope.

You can tie yourself in knots trying to figure out the Why of him, but the answers won't provide child support. A good lawyer, however, will. I hope you have one!

PippiLngstockng

Geez, definitely don't get dragged down pondering him.

I study alcoholism because the disease is part of MY story, as the STBXW of an A. Some of the unsettling behind the scenes events - like disappearing cooking wine, empties in the car, frightening mood changes and blackout behaviors - that all gets demystified for me when I learn about the disease. So I can see clearly and move forward with purpose.

And for the children, to know how this thing influences them. And to be ready to say to a judge that a man who thinks it's ok to drive drunk with children in the car, terrify their mother before their eyes, fail to pay attention to details like health insurance and child support - well, he's not fit for unsupervised visits with the children. Period.

It isn't about him. It's about you and your kiddos.

Having said that, I totally relate to how you feel! My first Al Anon I cried through the whole thing, thinking 'why the h**l do I have to be indoors dealing with HIS stupid problem while I could be out playing on this beautiful day!!! Arg!!!

I recommend weight lifting.

Best wishes and (((hugs)))

laurie6781

I too thought that my first couple of meetings. However, since I was there because my AA sponsor STRONGLY that I go to Alanon and get an Alanon sponsor, I stuck around and found out that Alanon was really about ME. About changing my reactions, about being good to me, about setting my boundaries and sticking to MY boundaries. Pretty soon it was no longer about the A in my life, it was ALL about ME.

Alanon also helped me tremendously in 'detaching' from my A. Fortunately there were no children in this marriage, but Alanon gave me the 'strength' to stand before that Judge and tell him EVERYTHING and had there been children I would have very easily told the Judge why I felt Supervised Visitation was a must, because AH could NOT be trusted to act responsible when he was around the children.

Please check out some Alanon meetings for the above help and also ways to stop renting your AH space in your head. If you go to at least 6 different meetings with an OPEN MIND I bet you will find 1 or 2 that you feel more comfortable in, or that you heard something that you could identify with and those are the meetings you will probably continue to attend.

In the meantime, know that you are not alone, we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

MamaKit

Pippi - that is so funny that you mention weightlifting! I have been attending a thoroughly enjoying kettle-bell swing and cross-fit classes. They help me tremendously!!!! I will be missing tonight's class because of work. I also don't get to my therapist much because of my schedule - even though she has such flexible office hours. Things ease up for me a great deal in the summer and fall - but this time of year is crazy.

I have only attended 1 Alanon meeting. There were only 4 people there and I they were way ahead of me in terms of the steps and the process. I didn't speak at all. There are so few meetings close to me that don't meet during business hours. I just can't seem to work it out to get to one. IF STBAXH moves back to this coast, maybe I can manage meetings when he is with them - but who knows if that will ever happen.

Most of the time I feel like I get it - and that the teachings of Alanon are about me and finding myself. Really, I'm just tired of everything being so hard. I feel like a bit of baby saying that after reading posts by Pippi and Iamthird and others -
Thanks for hearing my tale of woe and your responses.

Florence

^^^ This right here.

My son's dad is a capital-N Narcissist. I spent years trying to get him to understand DS and make him treat DS with more care and consideration. He wouldn't. He attacked me. He stalked me. He sued me. I only found peace with him when I a) learned better boundaries for dealing with a narcissist, which required me learning a little about it, b) ACCEPTED that this is what it is and it wasn't going to change. It made all the difference for me and my son once I finally stopped expecting my ex to grow up or shape up.

Now with my AH (great track record, Florence!) I have found the same thing. As I learn more, I am better able to deal with the reality of the disease, and more able to ACCEPT the circumstances I am in. The more I am able to disentangle myself from the effects of the disease, the more compassion I have for him... from a good emotional distance.

He is where he is. I am where I am. These are the facts. These are the cards I'm working with. With this knowledge I can make better decisions.