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I've been seeing a bunch of stuff on dating lately...

Old 03-11-2013, 02:56 PM
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I've been seeing a bunch of stuff on dating lately...

...and while I'm still with my AW, I do occasionally think about what would happen if she left me, I left her, or she were to finally be successful in ending her own life. Instead of posting this where I initially wrote it (a pretty uplifting thread about dating actually), I realized that was the wrong place for it so I'm posting it here instead.

My AW fooled me by not drinking until two years into our marriage. Not sure why I'm telling you that-- I guess more as a cautionary tale than a horror story. I'm still with AW, but I have to say as somebody who is afraid of ever having to date again (the poison you know), I admire the bravery of those who can and do (unless you are doing it because you are unable to be, or afraid of being alone which is an entirely different thread).

I'm pretty sure if I am ever single again it will be permanent. While I love women and they are where my "interests" lie, I don't feel any urgency to ever have a significant other in my life again. Unless something radically changes in me, AW is the last. There is nothing I get out of marriage, including sex and "companionship," that is worth the pure misery/living hell of being with an alcoholic or a controlling person. None. NONE.

I can see it now, being on a date with some poor woman who doesn't know that I am literally incapable of trusting the words coming out of a woman's mouth in a dating/romantic situation. Thinking she's hiding something, and then passive aggressively trying to get her to reveal her "true" self by asking questions designed to see what kind of addict she is, what kinds of "isms" she has, how controlling she is, how codependent she is, and what her motivations are in dating. Watching her-- watching her like a hawk to see how she responds or reacts to the traps I lay for her that will reveal the alcoholic/addict/codependent in her even if she's lived her whole life sober (I know it's in there-- it's just hidden like it was in my wife-- I'll find the "****** up in her; I know it's there somewhere. I'll find it. Oh yes, I'll find it. I SPECIALIZE IN FINDING IT. But, if it isn't there, by the time I'm done a seed will have been planted).

All she'll know at the end of the date is that she has a bad taste in her mouth about me, but she's not sure why. All she knows is she wants to go home, take a shower... and drink. And, if after all of that, she calls me for a second date then I know she will be controllable, may need "saving," and lacks self-esteem, exactly the type of woman I'm attracted to, and exactly the type I'll NEVER date again.

So that's the irony of it. To find out if I could date a woman a second time I have to alienate her in order to find out if she's healthy and able to set and enforce boundaries while respecting those of others. Yet, if she's healthy, smart, and date-able she'll refuse a second date (and I won't be attracted to her).

The good news is I'll always be able to say I was only married once. Don't say I can't see the bright side.

Cyranoak
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:12 PM
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I often wonder if I could ever learn to trust anyone again. I feel it would not be fair to another person because I could never open myself up to a close relationship. Perhaps its just because I haven't met the right person. I'd like to think that there is someone else out there who I "deserve". But I just don't think I could ever give them what I would want out of a relationship. I'm pretty sure I will only ever have one husband. And yes, I also wonder if putting up with someone else's "isms" is worth it. And I am afraid that I might "latch on" to someone just because I don't want to be alone. I hope I am smarter now and will be able to walk away from a drinker but hey-its all I've ever known. At this point the perfect relationship is one where I would see them once a week when it is convenient for me. I really hope I don't always feel this way.
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:22 PM
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Dang iPhone!!
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:23 PM
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I love the brutal honesty. It's so raw and true. And I felt exactly the same way two years ago.

I can honestly say now that I am at a place where I can "take it or leave it." I don't need somebody but I do like meeting people and going out and having fun. I have an amazing sense of boundaries when I'm out on "dates." I'm comfortable in my own skin - so much so that I don't feel the need to interrogate anymore. I trust myself enough to know that if someone isn't worthy of me... It will be revealed!! Dating now is so different from when I was younger. Better in some ways, crappier in others. The beauty of my hectic schedule is that it forces me to go super slow!!!

Dating is a personal thing - something that happens when and if the time is right... And least that's how it seems to me
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:25 PM
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I pretty much feel the same way--after two marriages and one long-term living-together relationship. I just can't fathom why I would want to bother again.

Maybe that will change at some point, but right now I can't see it. It's been eight years since the last relationship ended (with one brief paroxysm of "break-up sex" for a couple of weeks with the last guy several months later, and a couple of quasi-dates), I just don't have the energy or need to go out and meet someone. I enjoy not having to please anyone but myself. I think I put out a "vibe" that keeps people at arm's length these days, since I have never had trouble meeting people to date in the past.
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:49 PM
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Cyranoak, I'm not sure you meant to be funny but that was a LOL great post!
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:55 PM
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Dear cryanoak, I like your wry sense of humor---and vivid imagination. Sometimes, the humor is the only thing that gets us through. Make note to self to put "twisted sense of humor" on your grateful list.

You sound like a co-dependent who has been rolled over by alcoholism.

I recognize you as one of our tribe. Hello.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:03 PM
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I have been fully divorced for 2 years, separated 3. I also have 3 young children.

I have been out with at least a half-dozen men in the last year or so (not very many, really), and I notice that I am becoming very good at noting certain tendencies.

R and I were at a high school football game on a date, and as we stood in the concession stand line, he asked if I was ready to date him exclusively and move my family to his hometown. When I politely said that I didn't think so, he told the clerk "hers is separate" and made me pay for my own hamburger!!!

I learned a lot about how he acts when he doesn't get his way. After that he was surly all night long, but still asked if he could spend the night at my house. I declined.

D and I had a few lunch dates this fall. On the second one, he had no problem asking me to pay for our lunch (he had initiated the date) and then placed his hand on my knee. He didn't call me again, and I didn't contact him either.

My favorite dates are with my guy friends who don't have any interest in dating me romantically. We drink beer (not too much!) and we laugh and we ponder failed relationships. So I guess I am in a real exploration phase and I think it's pretty fun.

But it took me a long time to get to the point that I think it's fun and not anxiety-producing.
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:04 PM
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Ah Cy, you know I love ya tons for being my kick in the pants many times, but boy, I do not believe a word of this. Sure, it sounds good now. But IF you found yourself single again, I don't think you'd be doing this much:

To find out if I could date a woman a second time I have to alienate her in order to find out if she's healthy and able to set and enforce boundaries while respecting those of others. Yet, if she's healthy, smart, and date-able she'll refuse a second date (and I won't be attracted to her).
Why do I think that? Because I think you are smarter than this. You don't need to play games to try to entrap women into revealing their faults. You are pretty astute at gauging people and their behaviors, so much so that you don't need to manipulate your way through it; you can just sit back, relax, and watch without being a total dick and a creeper. Because underneath your "aspiring realism" is a good man.

And at our age - there isn't much we haven't already experienced in regards to the opposite sex. Dating is different when there are no expectations. When you aren't looking for the one, or marriage, or want to have babies, or need a roof over your head. It actually becomes fun! Another adventure! Ok, maybe I am just having a really positive-attitude month here, but I do believe this.

But you aren't there yet, and hopefully won't need to be, so go hug your wife and be thankful the two of you have succeeded where 98% of the rest of us have failed.



Peace,
~T
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:09 PM
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Another nice guy I dated asked me to his city for a big fancy party that would go late, so I would have to spend the night. I also had to buy a floor-length formal gown.

He said I was welcome to stay at his house or he would be glad to get me a hotel room. I asked for the hotel room, and then I think he was a little put-off when I didn't ask him to share it with me.

I haven't dated for 20 years - since before I met AXH. I am trying to sort it all out, but most of what I've realized is that if he is overly arrogant or narcissistic, I am not sticking around.
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:24 PM
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stella, you should write a sitcom. I am enjoying your description of your dates. Got any more?

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Old 03-11-2013, 04:32 PM
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My last "date"--met a guy (online dating site) who lived not too far away and had horses. We made a date to go riding--sounded like a fun, low-key first date, right?

So I get to his house, and he gives me the "grand tour"--the guy's house looks like the Roy Rogers museum. I kid you not--he had a life-sized cutout of John Wayne standing on the landing of the stairs from his living room. The shower curtain had horseshoes all over it.

So, I'm thinking the last time I was in a room decorated like this house it was my little brother's room when he was five. But we sit out on the porch and have some iced tea and chat. We are in view of the horses, but he never mentions riding. Finally, I get up, make a show of looking at my watch, and saying i have to get home. By the time I got home, half an hour later, there is an email from him saying he didn't feel there was any "chemistry." No duh! But the SOB at least could have saddled up the damn horses so my afternoon wasn't utterly wasted.

That's it. My "bottom" in dating.
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:47 PM
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I guess I have a different view on this..
I REFUSE to let my experience with an alcoholic ruin my chances of finding a wonderful man to enhance (not make) my life.
I might never find him, and that's ok, but I won't let my experience with an alcoholic decide that for me.
Granted, I was never married to him and that might make a difference, but it makes me sad to read that some would give up on finding/loving a wonderful someone...
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:51 PM
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Dear Lexie--Uuugh. I think we can guess what kind of "chemistry" he was looking for!

A huge disadvantage on online dating--as opposed to the old-fashioned kind--is that, no matter how good they look on paper, you have no idea what you are in for until the "unveiling".

dandylion (LOVE the image of the John Wayne cutout--tee hee)
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:01 PM
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I dunno about that--no moves on his part, just didn't care for my looks, I suppose. And nothing wrong with that--if you aren't attracted, you aren't attracted. My only gripe was that I was invited to go riding and he reneged. Which was inconsiderate. If we had gone riding and he never asked me out again, or had sent me the email later, after our planned ride, I would have had absolutely no hard feelings. Needless to say, the lack of attraction was mutual. But I didn't take one look at his decorating scheme and go home. I thought we would have a pleasant afternoon and that would be that.

I got pretty good at weeding out the duds when I was doing a lot of online dating at one point. Not all of them went well, but nobody I was alarmed about. I think right now, though, I just don't care enough to go to the trouble.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:28 PM
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I've been seeing someone for a little over a year, and I've realized I have a BIG commitment issue at this point. I won't even call him my boyfriend. LOL So, it's all my problem, not his. But, at the same time, he's okay with how slow I'm going. I have no plans to move him in or anything, yet I've met his parents. I'm just a contradiction.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:34 PM
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I've actually never dated...and at 52 should things go south with hank I ain't about to start! it sounds simply horrifying! LOL
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:47 PM
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Oh, that's the thing, I've never really dated either. LOL My friend is a coworker, and I invited him over to make cookies for New Year's Eve last year, and it kinda just went from there. Impressed me that while he brought over a six pack, he only had one, while I had two(his family did a craft beer exchange for Christmas)

Actual "dating" still scares the crap out of me. LOL And as I have full custody(x hasn't even been doing visitations) I don't have the free time, or the money to pay a sitter to actually go out on dates.
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:47 PM
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One of my older gentleman friends told me that a good date pays for the lady's babysitter. Hmmm...
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:05 PM
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I feel your pain so much. You described so well my thought processes over the last six months. I can't even imagine being in another r/s. After the complete horror show of a marriage to my XAH, I simply cannot trust another man right now. Hell, I barely trust myself.

My ego got the best of me and I did pick up a man a few weeks ago at a bar and we've been out several times. I set some of those "traps", and in fact he volunteered so much information about his drinking behaviors I practically laughed in his face. Another alcoholic! No wonder I am attracted to him. Sigh.

Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
I can see it now, being on a date with some poor woman who doesn't know that I am literally incapable of trusting the words coming out of a woman's mouth in a dating/romantic situation. Thinking she's hiding something, and then passive aggressively trying to get her to reveal her "true" self by asking questions designed to see what kind of addict she is, what kinds of "isms" she has, how controlling she is, how codependent she is, and what her motivations are in dating. Watching her-- watching her like a hawk to see how she responds or reacts to the traps I lay for her that will reveal the alcoholic/addict/codependent

Cyranoak
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