I've been seeing a bunch of stuff on dating lately...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
This is a great thread Cy,
Well here's my long story short.
Over the Christmas holiday, I happened to overhear a conversation between (current guy I have been casually dating since late last spring) and a corporate attorney that he retains to handle business contracts.
Needless to say, the tone of new's guy's voice was ice, razor blades, and daggers!
I never saw/heard this side of him. It was very shocking, and made me realize there is quite a bit I do not know about him.
Of course when I confide in my girlfriends, ( who happen to think he is rather dreamy and $$$$$$$$) is " He didn't become successful playing a game of tiddly winks" or "This is just business, Annie. Stop reading more into it than there is."
Honestly, I don't know what to think, i just know something changed that day for me, and I'm not sure how to proceed, or if I even want to.
Well here's my long story short.
Over the Christmas holiday, I happened to overhear a conversation between (current guy I have been casually dating since late last spring) and a corporate attorney that he retains to handle business contracts.
Needless to say, the tone of new's guy's voice was ice, razor blades, and daggers!
I never saw/heard this side of him. It was very shocking, and made me realize there is quite a bit I do not know about him.
Of course when I confide in my girlfriends, ( who happen to think he is rather dreamy and $$$$$$$$) is " He didn't become successful playing a game of tiddly winks" or "This is just business, Annie. Stop reading more into it than there is."
Honestly, I don't know what to think, i just know something changed that day for me, and I'm not sure how to proceed, or if I even want to.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Heh. Dating. I used to chase men (well they were more like boys) and try to "make" them like me. Didn't work. Then when I gave up, they would kind of stalk me OR have their friends be like middlemen or something.
Dating is difficult, always has been. Guys I would be interested in, wouldn't be interested in me, and vice versa. And I have ADHD so you can forget about me being able to read body language, social cues and the like. If I try to read them, I end up reading too much into things and giving myself a bad headache.
I'm with someone now and things are good. If they go bad and I leave, who knows. Some people can act like "dating" is up there with oxygen and you will die without it. I can also be a pain in the behind, I won't lie. I accept and like (love) myself, but at the same time I realize that I'm not everybody's cup of tea. And that's okay.
Dating is difficult, always has been. Guys I would be interested in, wouldn't be interested in me, and vice versa. And I have ADHD so you can forget about me being able to read body language, social cues and the like. If I try to read them, I end up reading too much into things and giving myself a bad headache.
I'm with someone now and things are good. If they go bad and I leave, who knows. Some people can act like "dating" is up there with oxygen and you will die without it. I can also be a pain in the behind, I won't lie. I accept and like (love) myself, but at the same time I realize that I'm not everybody's cup of tea. And that's okay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
How dare you call me on my stuff!?!
I sure hope you are right!
C-
C-
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Ah Cy, you know I love ya tons for being my kick in the pants many times, but boy, I do not believe a word of this. Sure, it sounds good now. But IF you found yourself single again, I don't think you'd be doing this much:
Why do I think that? Because I think you are smarter than this. You don't need to play games to try to entrap women into revealing their faults. You are pretty astute at gauging people and their behaviors, so much so that you don't need to manipulate your way through it; you can just sit back, relax, and watch without being a total dick and a creeper. Because underneath your "aspiring realism" is a good man.
And at our age - there isn't much we haven't already experienced in regards to the opposite sex. Dating is different when there are no expectations. When you aren't looking for the one, or marriage, or want to have babies, or need a roof over your head. It actually becomes fun! Another adventure! Ok, maybe I am just having a really positive-attitude month here, but I do believe this.
But you aren't there yet, and hopefully won't need to be, so go hug your wife and be thankful the two of you have succeeded where 98% of the rest of us have failed.
Peace,
~T
Why do I think that? Because I think you are smarter than this. You don't need to play games to try to entrap women into revealing their faults. You are pretty astute at gauging people and their behaviors, so much so that you don't need to manipulate your way through it; you can just sit back, relax, and watch without being a total dick and a creeper. Because underneath your "aspiring realism" is a good man.
And at our age - there isn't much we haven't already experienced in regards to the opposite sex. Dating is different when there are no expectations. When you aren't looking for the one, or marriage, or want to have babies, or need a roof over your head. It actually becomes fun! Another adventure! Ok, maybe I am just having a really positive-attitude month here, but I do believe this.
But you aren't there yet, and hopefully won't need to be, so go hug your wife and be thankful the two of you have succeeded where 98% of the rest of us have failed.
Peace,
~T
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
LIke others, I can't imagine starting another relationship. Trusting another person. My daughter thinks there is something wrong with me, but I don't.
The truth is... I would like to think that someday I will find myself able to be in a healthy relationship. Whether or not that happens does not really matter. What matters to me is that I am ok with myself and my life which btw I am at this point.
Whether or not we are in a relationship - is that the real question here or is it more like, "am I living the life I want to live".
The truth is... I would like to think that someday I will find myself able to be in a healthy relationship. Whether or not that happens does not really matter. What matters to me is that I am ok with myself and my life which btw I am at this point.
Whether or not we are in a relationship - is that the real question here or is it more like, "am I living the life I want to live".
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I also wonder if I will ever be in a healthy relationship. The thought was becoming so overwhelming to me though, that I handed it over to my HP and try not to think about it too much anymore. I've got to remain on the day by day plan or I end up too focused on what is lacking in my life instead of being grateful for all I have.
I honestly thought my exabf was the perfect man for me, which says a lot about the depth of my problems as he emotionally abused me pretty much from the get-go. Obviously there is a part of me who liked his abuse and the cycle of breaking up/ making up. So I'm not sure I would even know how to deal with someone who actually respected me and was emotionally available. Sometimes I feel like a cat in the way they always want to be on your lap when you don't want them to be, but then when you try to smother them with love, they kind of panic and run away.
My attraction to the bad boy is so strong, that it's hard to see it easily changing. I'm attracted to anger, recklessness, and irresponsibility which for some very twisted reason, I equate with bravery and strength. What's further screwed up is that I then want to change these bad boys into good boys whom I wouldn't be attracted to anyway if I actually succeeded.
I can do the being in love thing very well, but I don't even know what true, enduring love between a man and a woman looks like. To me, men have always been like drugs and like any addict, I just need to stay away... Or does it sound like I should be dating?
I honestly thought my exabf was the perfect man for me, which says a lot about the depth of my problems as he emotionally abused me pretty much from the get-go. Obviously there is a part of me who liked his abuse and the cycle of breaking up/ making up. So I'm not sure I would even know how to deal with someone who actually respected me and was emotionally available. Sometimes I feel like a cat in the way they always want to be on your lap when you don't want them to be, but then when you try to smother them with love, they kind of panic and run away.
My attraction to the bad boy is so strong, that it's hard to see it easily changing. I'm attracted to anger, recklessness, and irresponsibility which for some very twisted reason, I equate with bravery and strength. What's further screwed up is that I then want to change these bad boys into good boys whom I wouldn't be attracted to anyway if I actually succeeded.
I can do the being in love thing very well, but I don't even know what true, enduring love between a man and a woman looks like. To me, men have always been like drugs and like any addict, I just need to stay away... Or does it sound like I should be dating?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
I am separated from the AH for 7 months (again and for the last time). I have not the slightest desire to date. Maybe that day will come, but I know like I know that I need to be with just me (and my son of course). I am not sure I will ever want to date. I attract people that I never ever want to be with again. 1st husband-abusive, alcoholic, religious nut. Boyfriend after that-found out after a year of being with him that he had arrest in his past for "indecent exposure" (long story there!). Current AH that I am separated from-alcoholic. The first 2, I had no idea until well into the relationships what I was dealing with. With the current AH, I totally ignored the red flags...
Clearly, I am not in the place to attract the right kind of person! But I am ok with that. I love not having the AH compete, yes compete, with my son for my attention. I love finding snippets of time to actually read for fun--not just my self help things. Never had time for that before. I am content to just be me and enjoy life. It's all good.
After reading all of your stories, I am sure not wanting to get "out there" to date any time soon LOL!
Clearly, I am not in the place to attract the right kind of person! But I am ok with that. I love not having the AH compete, yes compete, with my son for my attention. I love finding snippets of time to actually read for fun--not just my self help things. Never had time for that before. I am content to just be me and enjoy life. It's all good.
After reading all of your stories, I am sure not wanting to get "out there" to date any time soon LOL!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Ok, I am returning to this thread because I have to tell someone! And my same-age friends here are all settled down and wouldn't get this.
There's this absolutely beautiful man that's been subbing at my gym. Since the pneumonia last month, I am saving my lungs and not doing my usual long runs til it warms up. So lots of extra gym time.
And this teacher is - whew! And the thing is, he's actually nice and we've gotten to talking. And he's not younger than me like most of my guy friends. And I can keep up with him in the class when every else is bailing and I like to mirror his dance moves. He has energy, he's funny and speaks, like, loads of languages.
We exchanged such a look last Friday that I afterwards just wanted to hide under my covers for a few days. Geez. Then he sought me out at the gym today before class. He asked if I wanted to go out for coffee before class next week. I said sure. But yikes! I don't know what just happened. I can't tell anyone because they won't approve. I am not even sure that I do. I am totally intimidated by his physique - did I say that he's beautiful?! I am not the only gal that has eyes for him so why does he like me and not one of the sweet young things?
I don't know how I ever dated before. Except back them I had never been married to a whacko A. Sometimes with men I just become the old me that I was before my AH. And it's so nice to remember that gal that I was and be her again for a bit!!! Life without the lies and distortions and cruelty. When I could also be admired by someone, who would see me as nice or fun, not as this nasty mother-of-sorts that is always reprimanding...
Should I go have a coffee with this nice man?! If I even touch one of his biceps I am going to be LOST.
There's this absolutely beautiful man that's been subbing at my gym. Since the pneumonia last month, I am saving my lungs and not doing my usual long runs til it warms up. So lots of extra gym time.
And this teacher is - whew! And the thing is, he's actually nice and we've gotten to talking. And he's not younger than me like most of my guy friends. And I can keep up with him in the class when every else is bailing and I like to mirror his dance moves. He has energy, he's funny and speaks, like, loads of languages.
We exchanged such a look last Friday that I afterwards just wanted to hide under my covers for a few days. Geez. Then he sought me out at the gym today before class. He asked if I wanted to go out for coffee before class next week. I said sure. But yikes! I don't know what just happened. I can't tell anyone because they won't approve. I am not even sure that I do. I am totally intimidated by his physique - did I say that he's beautiful?! I am not the only gal that has eyes for him so why does he like me and not one of the sweet young things?
I don't know how I ever dated before. Except back them I had never been married to a whacko A. Sometimes with men I just become the old me that I was before my AH. And it's so nice to remember that gal that I was and be her again for a bit!!! Life without the lies and distortions and cruelty. When I could also be admired by someone, who would see me as nice or fun, not as this nasty mother-of-sorts that is always reprimanding...
Should I go have a coffee with this nice man?! If I even touch one of his biceps I am going to be LOST.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
Should I go have a coffee with this nice man?! If I even touch one of his biceps I am going to be LOST.
Fantasize all you want, lol. But, imo, not fair to anyone for you to start dating.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
So, I don't even know what a legal separation means, exactly. I know, I know. I've got 4 delightful poopsies and I'm a wee bit PTSD from STBX's frightening behaviors, I have been separated all of 4 weeks and I have to pay attention to small things like insurance and bills, so I AM the responsible parent.
Still and all, I have been faithful to a remote and manipulative j*rk for some very unfun years. What's a cup of coffee?
Seriously, though, does being separated mean I can date? No one gave me a "now that you are legally separated" handbook!
Still and all, I have been faithful to a remote and manipulative j*rk for some very unfun years. What's a cup of coffee?
Seriously, though, does being separated mean I can date? No one gave me a "now that you are legally separated" handbook!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've got a lawyer--I would shoot him/her an email or a quick phone call to answer that question. I'm betting it's fine.
Whether it is a good IDEA or not, since you are fresh on the rebound, so to speak, is another question. I know I had a tendency to get involved with someone new way too soon, and made some pretty dumb mistakes as a result.
Whether it is a good IDEA or not, since you are fresh on the rebound, so to speak, is another question. I know I had a tendency to get involved with someone new way too soon, and made some pretty dumb mistakes as a result.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sure, it may not be the best idea, but I'd consider it through this lens: will you look back 5, 10, 15 years from now and wish you had met Mr. Biceps for a cup of coffee? If your answer is yes right now to that, then go.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Pippi -- I can't tell you what to do, only share my own experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I was in a dying marriage for five years. We were roomies, barely even friends. After we separated, I dove headlong into two things: therapy, and a relationship with someone new.
I couldn't believe how good it felt to be Actively Pursued and Obviously Wanted. It was overwhelming. Was he a good guy? Relationship material? Didn't know and didn't care. What he was was There and Wanting Me. And to my friends and therapist who suggested maybe it was too soon for me to get involved with someone, I scoffed. I had felt so alone for so long that I thought it counted as being on my own.
It didn't. I was such a mess that I could not recognize what a mess I was! And this guy could have been the best guy in the world (he wasn't) -- it wouldn't have mattered. I was not the best Me in the world, and I wasn't going to be as long as I was dealing with the expectations and responsibilities that come with even the most casual of relationships. And the truth is, we attract what we are. I was a mess, and I attracted a mess. After it all imploded, I had no choice but to focus on myself and become the whole person I needed to be if I was ever going to attract another whole person.
I spent three years by myself. Then I attracted an A! I consider that relationship the shedding of my old self. I had to see if my mother's alcoholism was my fault. I did it by dating another A (sounds stupid, but there you have it). I did learn. And I got out. And then I met my now-husband.
But if I hadn't met him, I would still be okay. Because that time on my own, focusing on me, taught me that I don't have to be good enough for anyone else. I only have to be good enough for me.
All that being said, I don't actually expect you to follow my (gentle! I swear!) advice. Several of my friends have gotten divorced since I did, or left long-term relationships and I advised them all against rushing into something. Not one of them heeded my warning! And of all those relationships they rushed into, none of them worked out. Some just fizzled and some were devastating. Maybe following your heart and nether regions is just part of the process, I don't know!
So I think you're going to go for coffee with this guy no matter what anyone says, and I think that is okay. If you do, try to listen to your head and not so much your heart. Our hearts are blind and stupid, they want what they want, and as much as I'd never want to live without mine, I prefer my brain's advice any day of the week.
Good luck Pippi!
I was in a dying marriage for five years. We were roomies, barely even friends. After we separated, I dove headlong into two things: therapy, and a relationship with someone new.
I couldn't believe how good it felt to be Actively Pursued and Obviously Wanted. It was overwhelming. Was he a good guy? Relationship material? Didn't know and didn't care. What he was was There and Wanting Me. And to my friends and therapist who suggested maybe it was too soon for me to get involved with someone, I scoffed. I had felt so alone for so long that I thought it counted as being on my own.
It didn't. I was such a mess that I could not recognize what a mess I was! And this guy could have been the best guy in the world (he wasn't) -- it wouldn't have mattered. I was not the best Me in the world, and I wasn't going to be as long as I was dealing with the expectations and responsibilities that come with even the most casual of relationships. And the truth is, we attract what we are. I was a mess, and I attracted a mess. After it all imploded, I had no choice but to focus on myself and become the whole person I needed to be if I was ever going to attract another whole person.
I spent three years by myself. Then I attracted an A! I consider that relationship the shedding of my old self. I had to see if my mother's alcoholism was my fault. I did it by dating another A (sounds stupid, but there you have it). I did learn. And I got out. And then I met my now-husband.
But if I hadn't met him, I would still be okay. Because that time on my own, focusing on me, taught me that I don't have to be good enough for anyone else. I only have to be good enough for me.
All that being said, I don't actually expect you to follow my (gentle! I swear!) advice. Several of my friends have gotten divorced since I did, or left long-term relationships and I advised them all against rushing into something. Not one of them heeded my warning! And of all those relationships they rushed into, none of them worked out. Some just fizzled and some were devastating. Maybe following your heart and nether regions is just part of the process, I don't know!
So I think you're going to go for coffee with this guy no matter what anyone says, and I think that is okay. If you do, try to listen to your head and not so much your heart. Our hearts are blind and stupid, they want what they want, and as much as I'd never want to live without mine, I prefer my brain's advice any day of the week.
Good luck Pippi!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Choublak,
What I imagine talking about is sports.. Next up, travel, culture, languages. Back to sports.
I don't want to hide anything, but I spend enough time and energy figuring out my situation. I sometimes need space to just be me without all that.
I suppose if he wants to know, lots of folks at the gym could give him a bit of background on me. It's a village, and people see each other's comings and goings.
I don't want a serious relationship. I just want to put my toesies by the water's edge and let a few waves pass over them.
I feel like getting out of harm's way with STBX left me impatient to live my life again. Cause who knows what could happen to me. And why let a beautiful day go by without putting my face in the sun?!
What I imagine talking about is sports.
. Next up, travel, culture, languages. Back to sports. I don't want to hide anything, but I spend enough time and energy figuring out my situation. I sometimes need space to just be me without all that.
I suppose if he wants to know, lots of folks at the gym could give him a bit of background on me. It's a village, and people see each other's comings and goings.
I don't want a serious relationship. I just want to put my toesies by the water's edge and let a few waves pass over them.
I feel like getting out of harm's way with STBX left me impatient to live my life again. Cause who knows what could happen to me. And why let a beautiful day go by without putting my face in the sun?!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Like sparkle, When I started dating, it was such a treat to be treated like I was somebody enjoyable and cute and fun. I found it kind of addictive. To dress up and be charming was a real high for me.
The first guy I went out with was a real gentleman and I really liked his company. I liked him more than he liked me in the beginning and then he kind of ended it, and I didn't understand why. 6 months later, he decided that he really DID like me, and wanted to be my boyfriend and by then, *I* had gotten my bearings and declared us just friends.
I have had a number of dates since then, and it's still novel enough to be fun. Keep it coffee, keep it friends, acknowledge that you may FEEL ready, but know that you aren't really, and have a nice hour here and there with him. And enjoy feeling desirable without losing your focus on recovering from the last relationship.
The first guy I went out with was a real gentleman and I really liked his company. I liked him more than he liked me in the beginning and then he kind of ended it, and I didn't understand why. 6 months later, he decided that he really DID like me, and wanted to be my boyfriend and by then, *I* had gotten my bearings and declared us just friends.
I have had a number of dates since then, and it's still novel enough to be fun. Keep it coffee, keep it friends, acknowledge that you may FEEL ready, but know that you aren't really, and have a nice hour here and there with him. And enjoy feeling desirable without losing your focus on recovering from the last relationship.
.....lol
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