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I've been seeing a bunch of stuff on dating lately...

Old 03-11-2013, 08:22 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Interesting topic.

My divorce was final nearly 3 years ago. It was a loveless marriage for many years, and I felt more single than married for the last, oh, 5 of those years, if not more. When it was finally over, I waited a couple months and tried eHarmony. And boy, was I not ready.

One date in, with what appeared to be a normal, nice, professional guy, and I basically realized that men my age were looking for a wife, a family, and I was absolutely not. And I needed time to find myself.

Fast forward 2 years of glorious singlehood, and I was playing around on match.com. Before you actually submit a profile, you can sort of search to see if there's anyone who piques your interest. Well, lo and behold, but there's an aquaintance/friend from work. I scope him out with some coworkers who all agreed, nice guy, strong ethics, single dad with a nearly empty nest and his priorities in line. So I (a couple months later, because I am chicken, and I happen to be on a different professional level than he is, so he wouldn't likely make a move), I emailed him about coffee.

It's still early, but I've had no red flags. Really seems like a nice, decent, hardworking guy. Guess we'll see where this goes - I don't need a man, or children, or a family, so it's sort of all fun. He knows I've been burned, and wouldn't consider marriage again for a looooong time, but yet, things are progressing nicely.

I think if I hadn't been able to vet him with my colleagues, I would be a *lot* more skittish. Online dating scares the crap out of me. But when the former cop who has always told me I needed to get a background check on any guy I dated gave her full approval, well, I guess it helps to have friends who are cops. Guess we'll see what happens!
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Old 03-11-2013, 09:15 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I am still stuck with my bipolar AW. I often dream about what it would be like to meet someone new that is normal and be able to have a normal relationship. Have even gone as far as looking around on some of the online dating sites. I would try to start a new relationship because I want to finally have a great one. I just wish it was not so difficult to get out of the current mess.
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Old 03-11-2013, 11:06 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
A huge disadvantage on online dating--as opposed to the old-fashioned kind--is that, no matter how good they look on paper, you have no idea what you are in for until the "unveiling".
I SO appreciate this thread. It makes me feel like I am not alone. I'm 44 and my AH and I were together 20 years. We've been separated for two years now. My focus is on raising our kids and embracing singlehood (love it most of the time, but it's an adjustment...). But I'm lonely at times and just wish I could have dinner and conversation with someone. Just that, a nice time out.

My AH has one of those online dating accounts and a single female friend in the area clued me in. I saw his profile and can relate to the "look good on paper" thing. Online, he looks like quite a catch, handsome, successful, in great shape, funny, educated, a non-smoker (lie) and social drinker (lie) who is "very romantic" (lie) and "loves to cook" (lie). Seeing his profile made me think twice about the online dating thing. What other recycled alcoholic husbands are out there? Talk about false advertising.
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Old 03-12-2013, 03:00 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I've just about always had a man or men in my life sonce I was 16. My father is disabled mentally/emotionally and so I suppose I seek men out more than some might. I guess I was lucky in that lots of guys seemed to have crushes on me. And I love outdoor and endurance sports where I am often one of few women in a crowd of guys.

Since being unofficially separated from STBX 18 months ago, there have been a few romances developing that I let remain innocent flirtations. Strangely, I am in my forties but the first two fellows are 30. Then there was a guy my age, but he freaked that AH's bike was still in my storage area - meaning that I am still married. Even though I just thought we were meeting up for a walk and a coffee or something. Men my age can grasp my situation, whereas the younger ones are more willing to let go of implications and just go out and have a good time already.

The guy I really adore and he makes me so comfortable and myself, if you will, is unfortunately half my age. I don't flirt with him but I do love every minute I am around him! I think it's okay to be friends with him though. It's a pity about our age difference. His father is an alcoholic and I think that is part of why we connect.

I like dating and look forward to having some fun outings with guy friends. But a serious relationship?! No way!

After what I have been through, I just want to have fun!
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Old 03-12-2013, 03:27 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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You guys are killin' me! Thanks for sharing your 'war stories'. They make me laugh.

I haven't had the guts to put myself back out there. I'm still healing from the fallout of my marriage. I don't know how long its going to take. But I know I'm getting better.

I really and truly hope that someday God will give me a shot at a healthy romantic relationship. I've never had one. Every guy I've dated has been an alcoholic. I mean seriously,

What does it feel like to be in a relationship with someone you can trust?

What does it feel like to have a partner who inspires you to be a better version of yourself instead of someone who causes you to live in fear of the next alcohol-fueled crisis on the horizon?

What does it feel like to give freely of yourself without any hope or expectation that the other person will change?

What does it feel like to not be manipulated?

I hope I find out someday. I really do. But to get there, I know I have to keep working on myself because the key to a happy relationship lies with ME....not THEM.

Great thread...thanks!!
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Old 03-12-2013, 03:31 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
One of my older gentleman friends told me that a good date pays for the lady's babysitter. Hmmm...
That would be such a sweet gesture. .... Oh my gosh, yet another confirmation that I'm still attracting the wrong guys....

I've been thinking lately that I'm done dating for a while again. 5 dates in, what?, 2 years; 3 different guys... Controlling, emotionally unavailable, or... I'm not even sure with the most recent one.... Oh, and at least I turned down the one who turned out to hold a second job of drug dealer... There is something still so broken with me that I'm attracting these guys.
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:00 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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See, I'm sure my friend would do that, if I had a sitter. But, I don't, and I'm not even sure where to find one. I would like one though, a local comic book store has started a tabletop gaming night, and I really want to go to it.

Maybe one of my differences is I didn't marry an alcoholic? He didn't start drinking until about 5 years in.
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:39 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I went on a blind date recently, just a coffee with a gentleman caller who seemed like he wasn't a psycho. I should tell my "friends" who have such "great ideas" to bugger off.

He sent me his photo before the blind coffee date. I sort of thought he looked a bit like dead Bryan from the give up smoking site when Bryan was dead, anyone know what I mean?

He did look like dead Bryan. He had an eating disorder BIG time. I have never seen a man with anorexia before that day.

He was late to meet me.

During the coffee he mentioned that his mother once mentioned that she thought he had Aspergers.

LMFAO! I just attract the freaking weirdos who need a Mommy.

If it's not my picker, it must be my vibe. I'm sending out the "Hey freakazoid" vibe.

FML.
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:44 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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There are good people out there and bad people out there. Not everyone has addiction issues, and some of the people who don't have addiction issues have issues that are just as severe as those who do.

The key is to pay attention to red flags and don't dismiss them.

Overall I have dated far more decent people than not. My picker has always been off for the serious relationships I always picked - "the challenging ones" to have serious relationships with. RAH has definitely been a pretty big challenge, my first with an addiction issue, but now I wouldn't trade him for the world. If I ended up single again - I wouldn't go the 'challenging" route again. Nor would I remain in a relationship that makes me miserable - I have done that before too.
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Old 03-12-2013, 05:48 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I am coming to realize that it is not others I don't trust, it is me.

I don't trust me to get out when I see the red flags (I have not before). I don't trust me to act in my best interest when someone is in need (I don't mean compromise). I believe we all have "stuff." I don't trust me to not blame my stuff as the problems and later to realize it takes more than one person (and the other person has stuff too).

Recovery has been restoring a lot of this back into me, but it was the worst in romantic relationships so I think I have some skills to learn before I bring it into another relationship. I am two years out from divorce and coming up on three from when it all hit the fan.

I am in awe of all of you that have put yourself out there again. It has been nice to realize inside (and I am not ashamed of it) that I am just not ready.
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Old 03-12-2013, 06:11 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Dear Soaringspirits, I have just got to say that I am gasping at the audacity of your husband!!! I am very familiar with the antics of alcoholics who are not in true recovery (and other liars)---but, it is indeed shocking.

Also, discouraging for those of us (me) who are trying to get the nerve to try an online site. It seems that so many of the profiles are misleading---or plain old lies.

Eeeek---I am just so paranoid.

a very beklempt dandylion
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Old 03-12-2013, 06:19 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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good post. I have been married so long I wouldnt know how to start the dating process. Thing is though, I dont want to. My AW travels a lot and when she is gone and I am home alone, I am in Nirvana. I am perfectly comfortable being by myself. The kids come over, we have dinner, we laugh and life is good. I have been so shell shocked over the years with my AW thinking I am looking at other women and wanting to be with them that I rarely engage in converstation anymore. It is much better to be quiet than have to deal with a blacked out pissed off partner. I know it is not the right thing to do, but it is what it is. I often dream being alone, coming out of my cocoon, and enjoying life once again.


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Old 03-12-2013, 07:02 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Dating? Want to have a good laugh...ought to move to Florida, the mecca for warm weather and coconut jobs.

Women are chasing the old men for financial security and someone who can drive them around, the younger men are chasing the old women for financial security and to be able to drive the old lady around in her car.

Me, the few men I have dated have either been married (and lied), drunks...or both.

One of my retarded friends signed me up for Match.com, ...the interesting thing about this is...she is like 73, has dated 52 men (she keeps a count) over the last 5 years,
and all have been bombs, she complains to me all the time about her bad luck...huh? Might have something to do with your dating any man who can still remember his name and has a drivers license. Thanks, but, I can find my own "losers"...in person...I don't need a cyber dating site! I am a master at it!

I am on a man free diet, driving my own and spending my on me, ahh, the "Good Life".
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:24 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Good post, Cyranoak - as always.

I, too, wish my Wife would just leave or drink herself stupid and do herself in like she's said many times that she wanted to do. But she probably won't, not anytime soon I would guess.

I agree with what Grizz said, and I enjoy any moment I have in the house by myself, which isn't much with a 3 year old. I have learned so much about life, love, relationships, etc., from this site over the past 8 months, that I know now that I don't 'need' anyone in my life, and I certainly am done trying to save/resecue someone.

So, part of me is where Grizz is, but part of me wants to find something new and do it right the next time. I'm better, I'm stronger - I'm Steve Austin, the $6 Million Dollar Man! But seriously, I think I would date at some future time if/when this marriage goes South. I want some semblance of normalcy again.

Oh yeah, and I'm a hopeless romantic too, but that's another thread as well.

C-OH Dad
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:53 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I've been married twice and I'm not really interested in dating right now. Been on dozens of 1st dates since Mel and frankly nobody stacks up. All I really need is either a dinner date for Saturday night or a partner who has a home in South Florida and wants to split our time between here and there. But at this pace I'll probably never find her and if that's the case then I'm fine with that.

I have friends that think I'm crazy for being single and fine with it. They seem to think some how my life is unfulfilled. But it's been a wild ride and I've had more than my fair share of awesome women when I look back over the years.

I explain my feelings like this...
I just finished my favorite meal at my favorite restaurant and push back form the table feeling satisfied and content. The waiter walks up and asks if I'm interested in desert and I say.. "Oh I'm just fine for now, but thank you, it was excellent!"

Not to say that some time in the future I wont be interested in desert, but for now I'm just fine. And a warm thank you to all the amazing women that I've shared very special times in my life with.

I do love women.
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:59 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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here's my most recent tale:


I was approached by a handsome man at a restaurant. My friends knew him and he was very friendly with me. He has made it a point to come and sit with us since and always pays a lot of attention to me. Then I googled him and learned that he is married.

I dug a little deeper to see that he is getting a divorce - it's on file with the clerk of the county. I wonder if I attract men with lots o'baggage or what?
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:23 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Everyone over the age of 35 has relationship baggage. And that may be generous! It's not about the amount of baggage one has, its the way they handle it that counts.

Have they accepted their part in the demise of past relationships? You'll know that simply by the way they talk about their past.

Do they have healthy coping skills? You'll know that by the way they handle themselves in stressful situations.

Are they respectful of you, your time, your life, etc? You'll know that by the way they treat you.

Being ready to date again after a relationship that has imploded is such a personal choice. For me, it is more about pushing myself to not isolate, to get out and do new things and meet new people. But I also joined several hiking/adventure groups on meetup.com to accomplish this. It isn't just about dating the opposite sex. It's about shaking things up a bit, getting out of my comfortable rut, challenging myself and my newly learned recovery skills.

Sure, I have war stories, but they are lessons learned and every time I face a new situation, I get better at it. My hope is next time around, and I believe there will be a next time eventually, I'll be ready, with eyes and mind wide open, with acceptance and solid boundaries. And to me, this takes practice.
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:11 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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AH and I have been separated for six months. I haven't filed for divorce, and I'm not interested in actively dating. However, some guys have come sniffing around and I've been weighing my options privately, just taking the temperature. A few guys from my wider friend circle made their presence known immediately after finding out I was separated, and I felt disappointed that they were waiting in the wings trying to wife me with complete disregard for my feelings in the matter.

I've found a few things out so far. I'm so not ready, and I don't trust myself. I don't like being pushed or pressured to date or not date. I've hung out with a few people who I realized I don't want to spend my free time with, and that's fine, and I don't have to justify it with anyone or feel bad for not being friends for life or letting them down easy. It turns out single people in their thirties still want to go out and get wasted and stay out until 4am, and I'm not interested, and/or have really conflicted feelings about it. I dive out early and go home alone.

Prior to my marriage and all the conversations we've had on SR, I was terrified of being lonely. I was at my loneliest in bed at night next to my AH for the last 3-5 years, and I don't want that again in any relationship. All of my relationships are shifting right now, with my kids, my parents, my AH, and myself, as I learn new boundaries and expectations for behavior.

I can't future-trip and predict what my dating life might look like, but I know that I'd rather be alone than have chaos and uncertainty in my primary relationships.
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:57 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Dating seems like work, and I already have a job!
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:58 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Thanks for this, Cyranoak. I can relate to what you say.

Through the miracle of recovery work I have found that I am quite happy whether I am single or in a relationship. Happiness is an inside job, as they say. If you find yourself single at some point you will have the option of "Happy and Single" or the option of "Happy and in a relationship."

After a year of singlehood I opted to try dating. The stories are HILARIOUS, I assure you. I kept refining my filter. After a while I got a good one, we are 1.5 years in at this point. I don't know what will happen, we may move in together at some point, or marry, or...not. I just don't know and don't have to know. Today I am at peace with myself.

I wish you the same, no matter what~
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