"R"A&AHBF of over a yr completely abandons me w/out a word.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
"R"A&AHBF of over a yr completely abandons me w/out a word.....
RA&AHBF graduated from 6mo rehab prog, gets a paycheck., free apartment inside the rehab w a power trip of some sort.....not really working the program, doesn't believe in tje HP(only forced atrition in sporadic.moments)/sponsor, white knuckling already ..in a sober living rehab for 6mo...(graduated 2WKS ago and now lives there rent free and works their now as a salaried employee, @ the rehab)e......then wham!! Just like you all said he would? He cut all contact. No call or text in over 2 1/2 days.....and of all times to decide to end the relationship? Itv was on my birthday wknd.....obvioisly a deliberate and clear msg for me to.look like a complete hanger-on and mental case.....
Couldnt help blaming myself this whole wknd...."maybe i was too hard on him" "maybe
I was too pushy" "maybe im the problem"
He just replaced me with his new job and awesome self esteem boost and sense of entitlement all with these new perks a paycheck, a place to stay rent free, with people whi fawn all over him. He would frequently boast aboit bow he could get away with anything there because he had pull and was so liked by the higher ups. Wrapped around his finger, he would say...
Now he has been on this work "bender" showing all signs of fervent frenzied need for a fix....during this time.....the excuses started, the lies, the sneaking around, the avoiding talking to.me by phone...only txts that said how tired and busy he is from working...then sleep 12 + hrs at a time....it all looked and felt like when he was using....back.to treating me like i am expendable and a complete bother....and finally the not even being able to visit me for more than a few hrs time since he had to get back to work (even though it was his two days off).....
As for me I was really working my program and setting boundaries, learn detaching and going to Alanon mtgs....
He didnt seem.to.like that too much. The more i knew the less he liked it....and the more he would say that what im doing is pushing him away.....
The timing seems less than coincidental as Ive been with him thrpughout all of this and now that he is self suffiicent so to speak? Im out.
Just venting maybe....but i am.hurt feel.abandoned and used and betrayed and not yet had a good enough foothold on my own recovery process so.i can cope *if*¬,this were to.happen....
Well, he beat me to.it.....
Feel so sick.to.my stomach over the fact that he acts like i.am.a throw away??
Feeling a lot of pain over the last few days, so can the responses be gentle and not too much finger wagging......
thanks all..... <3
Couldnt help blaming myself this whole wknd...."maybe i was too hard on him" "maybe
I was too pushy" "maybe im the problem"
He just replaced me with his new job and awesome self esteem boost and sense of entitlement all with these new perks a paycheck, a place to stay rent free, with people whi fawn all over him. He would frequently boast aboit bow he could get away with anything there because he had pull and was so liked by the higher ups. Wrapped around his finger, he would say...
Now he has been on this work "bender" showing all signs of fervent frenzied need for a fix....during this time.....the excuses started, the lies, the sneaking around, the avoiding talking to.me by phone...only txts that said how tired and busy he is from working...then sleep 12 + hrs at a time....it all looked and felt like when he was using....back.to treating me like i am expendable and a complete bother....and finally the not even being able to visit me for more than a few hrs time since he had to get back to work (even though it was his two days off).....
As for me I was really working my program and setting boundaries, learn detaching and going to Alanon mtgs....
He didnt seem.to.like that too much. The more i knew the less he liked it....and the more he would say that what im doing is pushing him away.....
The timing seems less than coincidental as Ive been with him thrpughout all of this and now that he is self suffiicent so to speak? Im out.
Just venting maybe....but i am.hurt feel.abandoned and used and betrayed and not yet had a good enough foothold on my own recovery process so.i can cope *if*¬,this were to.happen....
Well, he beat me to.it.....
Feel so sick.to.my stomach over the fact that he acts like i.am.a throw away??
Feeling a lot of pain over the last few days, so can the responses be gentle and not too much finger wagging......
thanks all..... <3
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
You cant blame yourself. Forbthe time being perhapse its a good thing though.
Working a program or not hes basically in one and sober I presume
Maybe allow him the space he needs and you time to recoverbyourself
Working a program or not hes basically in one and sober I presume
Maybe allow him the space he needs and you time to recoverbyourself
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
The same thing happened to me except my exabf isn't in any program. I also felt completely abandonned, used, discarded, and essentially like I wasted the past four years of my life putting up with his crap when I was nothing more to him than someone sensitive to push around when he got wasted. I spent all this time believing a colossal lie: if he could just get sober, he'd be the perfect man for me.
Our relationship also began to fall apart when I started Al Anon. He didn't like that I would no longer engage when he tried to pick fights. And he absolutely hated the fact I had his drinking figured out. In the end he decided that I was the reason he drank, and used that as an excuse to eradicate me from his life.
There have been a few people in similar situations on here, and a lot of the responses have been things like, "Recovery is a selfish time, give him a break." I'm trying to see their point, but it's still very hard for me. I guess what it has come down to for me is the fact I played with fire, got burned, and have only myself to blame for it. So I think I am able to take responsibility for my codependency and the fact I was involved with an alcoholic when someone healthy would not have been. But I can't seem to find compassion for him. I see him like the fire: powerful, consuming, and destructive. When people say "give him a break" it hurts. I want people to say, "Screw him for hurting you."
Anyway, I feel your pain, and all I can promise you is that it will diminish over time. When I commited to never having him in my life again in any capacity rather than waiting around hoping he'd get his sh*t together, it kind of kick started my healing. Now I'm just working on myself and am very motivated by all the time I have wasted.
Hugs to you. As a codie, I find myself really wishing I could take your pain away, but alas, I can not.
Our relationship also began to fall apart when I started Al Anon. He didn't like that I would no longer engage when he tried to pick fights. And he absolutely hated the fact I had his drinking figured out. In the end he decided that I was the reason he drank, and used that as an excuse to eradicate me from his life.
There have been a few people in similar situations on here, and a lot of the responses have been things like, "Recovery is a selfish time, give him a break." I'm trying to see their point, but it's still very hard for me. I guess what it has come down to for me is the fact I played with fire, got burned, and have only myself to blame for it. So I think I am able to take responsibility for my codependency and the fact I was involved with an alcoholic when someone healthy would not have been. But I can't seem to find compassion for him. I see him like the fire: powerful, consuming, and destructive. When people say "give him a break" it hurts. I want people to say, "Screw him for hurting you."
Anyway, I feel your pain, and all I can promise you is that it will diminish over time. When I commited to never having him in my life again in any capacity rather than waiting around hoping he'd get his sh*t together, it kind of kick started my healing. Now I'm just working on myself and am very motivated by all the time I have wasted.
Hugs to you. As a codie, I find myself really wishing I could take your pain away, but alas, I can not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Workingonme,
For some of us it is near impossible to shake the A and for you and others the A abandons the relationship if something more comfy develops that feeds their selfish desires.
In both cases more is being revealed about the core character of the person we are so emeshed and attached to. In many cases we erroneously believed that their faults and character issues would all magically go away once alcohol was removed from their daily lives.
It cuts like a knife when they are so cruel to us when we sacrificed our entire lives to their "rescue" and then without a backward glance they move onto the next chapter/adventure/victim.
Could it be that this is a gift in disguise? A revelation that helps move you to a place of independence from roller coastering in emotions based on where and what he is choosing to do today or tomorrow?
We woman want stability... someone who we can depend on day in and day out, in sickness and in health, war and peace, famine or abundance... someone who will swim the deepest ocean etc...
Why do we settle for so litte? I can't answer this... I always have in the past! I would pass up strong, secure, kind, responsible men and go for the hot mess in the room like a moth to candle... over and over again. For me it was FOO issues but that it is another story...
Unraveling ourselves, our emotions and deep, deep ties connecting us to the A's we "love" (I am not so sure about word in relation to my XA as there was little to respect or good character traits) is the key out of trap of codependency.
I don't know if that was gentle but it was shared with the deepest of compassion as I have been there... completely wrecked emotionally by my loving someone who couldn't love back and had the empathy of rattlesnake if I was in the way of his drinking or selfishness.
The not drinking can be just abstinence and many rehabs are just sorry and attendance by someone not working authentic recovery is just geography. Sometimes you wring the alcohol out of the asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat.
Or... this could be another step in your A's journey and only HP knows what will happen in the future... but WHATEVER happens your happiness, your freedom, your Joy is yours to find and have through your own recovery!
You can find your way out... and if he changes into someone worth giving your heart back to someday you will know when that should be. I think the magic number is 1 year to even start thinking about it and 2 years in recovery before taking a chance on a RA!
And I won't even do that. I am done. I love knowing that my life is serene every day! No relapses for me to deal with ever again!
It will get better... hang in there and stay on the path...
For some of us it is near impossible to shake the A and for you and others the A abandons the relationship if something more comfy develops that feeds their selfish desires.
In both cases more is being revealed about the core character of the person we are so emeshed and attached to. In many cases we erroneously believed that their faults and character issues would all magically go away once alcohol was removed from their daily lives.
It cuts like a knife when they are so cruel to us when we sacrificed our entire lives to their "rescue" and then without a backward glance they move onto the next chapter/adventure/victim.
Could it be that this is a gift in disguise? A revelation that helps move you to a place of independence from roller coastering in emotions based on where and what he is choosing to do today or tomorrow?
We woman want stability... someone who we can depend on day in and day out, in sickness and in health, war and peace, famine or abundance... someone who will swim the deepest ocean etc...
Why do we settle for so litte? I can't answer this... I always have in the past! I would pass up strong, secure, kind, responsible men and go for the hot mess in the room like a moth to candle... over and over again. For me it was FOO issues but that it is another story...
Unraveling ourselves, our emotions and deep, deep ties connecting us to the A's we "love" (I am not so sure about word in relation to my XA as there was little to respect or good character traits) is the key out of trap of codependency.
I don't know if that was gentle but it was shared with the deepest of compassion as I have been there... completely wrecked emotionally by my loving someone who couldn't love back and had the empathy of rattlesnake if I was in the way of his drinking or selfishness.
The not drinking can be just abstinence and many rehabs are just sorry and attendance by someone not working authentic recovery is just geography. Sometimes you wring the alcohol out of the asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat.
Or... this could be another step in your A's journey and only HP knows what will happen in the future... but WHATEVER happens your happiness, your freedom, your Joy is yours to find and have through your own recovery!
You can find your way out... and if he changes into someone worth giving your heart back to someday you will know when that should be. I think the magic number is 1 year to even start thinking about it and 2 years in recovery before taking a chance on a RA!
And I won't even do that. I am done. I love knowing that my life is serene every day! No relapses for me to deal with ever again!
It will get better... hang in there and stay on the path...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
If he is in TRUE recovery, he would not be threatened by AlAnon. He would want the person in his life to be part of his sober journey, which would include AlAnon. He is showing you who he truly is, drunk or sober.
You can't see it now, but he gave you a present on your birthday. Seize the opportunity to move forward in your life and find the healthy relationships you deserve. Keep going to AlAnon, you do that for you anyway...not for him.
You can't see it now, but he gave you a present on your birthday. Seize the opportunity to move forward in your life and find the healthy relationships you deserve. Keep going to AlAnon, you do that for you anyway...not for him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear workingonme11. Don't let this make you view yourself as a "throwaway"---just because he is acting this way! You are a person who deserves to be treated with respect. This just says how sick HE is---you must remember this.
You are on your way to recovery. This is just a rock in the road.
Keep going forward. You will heal. Leave this behind you in the dust.
sincerely, dandylion
You are on your way to recovery. This is just a rock in the road.
Keep going forward. You will heal. Leave this behind you in the dust.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Some people are saying that its possible that he cut me off because he is possibly in a Step which tells them they need to cut people off which knew you when they were drinking/drugging?
Is it supposed to happen like this though? Seems quite unhealthy approach, no?
I am highly skeptical about that he is in true recovery..... working the steps considering he goes to.mtgs very irregularly and with no sponsor....considering he is still being incredibly enabled by his mom.
I dont know. Just struggling a bit about this. Is he healthy now? He's on his way to a great life now that Im.not dragging him down...ughhh *rolls eyes*
At least thats how this is making me feel.....
Is it supposed to happen like this though? Seems quite unhealthy approach, no?
I am highly skeptical about that he is in true recovery..... working the steps considering he goes to.mtgs very irregularly and with no sponsor....considering he is still being incredibly enabled by his mom.
I dont know. Just struggling a bit about this. Is he healthy now? He's on his way to a great life now that Im.not dragging him down...ughhh *rolls eyes*
At least thats how this is making me feel.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
In general addicts are very selfish people. I heard a joke in a addiction lecture once that I really found funny and true-
The addict says to his friend, "I may not be much, but I'm all I think about."
Your ABF is incapable apparently of thinking of anyone but himself right now. Its crazy and you are going to go even crazier trying to make sense of him and his decisions. It hurts, I'm sure, but will get better. Keep working on yourself and one day soon, you'll realize you deserve to be treated better than this.
The addict says to his friend, "I may not be much, but I'm all I think about."
Your ABF is incapable apparently of thinking of anyone but himself right now. Its crazy and you are going to go even crazier trying to make sense of him and his decisions. It hurts, I'm sure, but will get better. Keep working on yourself and one day soon, you'll realize you deserve to be treated better than this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You're very focused on analyzing and trying to figure out his recovery plan, or if there is one. It doesn't matter at this point. His recovery, and his decisions, are his. Try to stop figuring out his, and stay focused on yours. That's all you can control, your life path. Let go and let God.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Remember
When you sober up a drunk asshat, all you have is a sober ASSHAT.
Please put the focus back on you and continue the beautiful work you have been doing
on your own recovery.
No need to rent space in your head to him.
I tell you, if what he is exhibiting is so called recovery, he won't be working there very
long, and to be honest I would NOT have wanted a thing he has.
Fortunately, I had excellent 'role models' (2 of which were my sponsors, a wife
and husband team, lol) and yes I did want what they had, and yes I have what they
had to this day.
We are here for you and we do walk with you in spirit!
Love and hugs,
When you sober up a drunk asshat, all you have is a sober ASSHAT.
Please put the focus back on you and continue the beautiful work you have been doing
on your own recovery.
No need to rent space in your head to him.
I tell you, if what he is exhibiting is so called recovery, he won't be working there very
long, and to be honest I would NOT have wanted a thing he has.
Fortunately, I had excellent 'role models' (2 of which were my sponsors, a wife
and husband team, lol) and yes I did want what they had, and yes I have what they
had to this day.
We are here for you and we do walk with you in spirit!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
"I tell you, if what he is exhibiting is so called recovery, he won't be working there very
long"
Can you tell me what this means?
And just for the record I started this thread asking what does someone in successful active recovery look like? Because I've been duped from from the beginning; Im still not understanding what that means.....
I am.not looking to NOT focus on myself, but im in and out of the greiving process that needs some understanding. Just because im searching for it doesn't mean i believe i will.expect closure from.him.or that im in his head or recovery, neccessarily.
So, i am.looking for some UNDERSTANDING about the recovery and what it looks like while in recovery, etc.
Im.working very hard on the things i need to focus on. I have children...i have been desperate to get to a meeting, yet havent been able to...so.i.thoight i could get some insight here... I know i don't deserve this...
Its my birthday today. Its raw today. Painful than any other regular day....This whole situation is absurd. I know this.
I am just trying to understand.....truly...
Thanks
long"
Can you tell me what this means?
And just for the record I started this thread asking what does someone in successful active recovery look like? Because I've been duped from from the beginning; Im still not understanding what that means.....
I am.not looking to NOT focus on myself, but im in and out of the greiving process that needs some understanding. Just because im searching for it doesn't mean i believe i will.expect closure from.him.or that im in his head or recovery, neccessarily.
So, i am.looking for some UNDERSTANDING about the recovery and what it looks like while in recovery, etc.
Im.working very hard on the things i need to focus on. I have children...i have been desperate to get to a meeting, yet havent been able to...so.i.thoight i could get some insight here... I know i don't deserve this...
Its my birthday today. Its raw today. Painful than any other regular day....This whole situation is absurd. I know this.
I am just trying to understand.....truly...
Thanks
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Happy Birthday!
He has barely started his recovery,any logical thinking from him is non-existant at the moment. He needs everything he has to get on his feet IF that is what he is doing.
This probably has very little to do with you, he is just really self-absorbed that is what addiction is about. Try not to take this personally. Just be grateful he is gone,it would just be continued hell for you and your kids.
He has barely started his recovery,any logical thinking from him is non-existant at the moment. He needs everything he has to get on his feet IF that is what he is doing.
This probably has very little to do with you, he is just really self-absorbed that is what addiction is about. Try not to take this personally. Just be grateful he is gone,it would just be continued hell for you and your kids.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He,s not any of those things you are imagining. Get out of your head.
He,s an addict who is thinking only of himself and his needs.
Think of yourself now.
Originally Posted by workingonme11 
Some people are saying that its possible that he cut me off because he is possibly in a Step which tells them they need to cut people off which knew you when they were drinking/drugging?
Is it supposed to happen like this though? Seems quite unhealthy approach, no?
I am highly skeptical about that he is in true recovery..... working the steps considering he goes to.mtgs very irregularly and with no sponsor....considering he is still being incredibly enabled by his mom.
I dont know. Just struggling a bit about this. Is he healthy now? He's on his way to a great life now that Im.not dragging him down...ughhh *rolls eyes*
At least thats how this is making me feel.....
Is it supposed to happen like this though? Seems quite unhealthy approach, no?
I am highly skeptical about that he is in true recovery..... working the steps considering he goes to.mtgs very irregularly and with no sponsor....considering he is still being incredibly enabled by his mom.
I dont know. Just struggling a bit about this. Is he healthy now? He's on his way to a great life now that Im.not dragging him down...ughhh *rolls eyes*
At least thats how this is making me feel.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
If he is in TRUE recovery, he would not be threatened by
AlAnon. He would want the person in his life to be part of his
sober journey, which would include AlAnon. He is showing you
who he truly is, drunk or sober.
He refused to talk about his recovery journey and didn't share with me at all about it and actually was quietly brooding about being annoyed at what Im learning about my recovery, too. I was always wondering was it usual for RAH/RA to be so secretive about everything....just like when.he was using. Would become beligerent and crazymake until he would leave the house.
Is this how someone in active recovery acts? *Shrugs*
AlAnon. He would want the person in his life to be part of his
sober journey, which would include AlAnon. He is showing you
who he truly is, drunk or sober.
He refused to talk about his recovery journey and didn't share with me at all about it and actually was quietly brooding about being annoyed at what Im learning about my recovery, too. I was always wondering was it usual for RAH/RA to be so secretive about everything....just like when.he was using. Would become beligerent and crazymake until he would leave the house.
Is this how someone in active recovery acts? *Shrugs*
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Is this how someone in active recovery acts? *Shrugs*
Oh and BTW there is NO step that tells anyone to 'break' off a relationship. What one of the BIG suggestions is
'no major changes the first year.'
that means no job changes unless the job is a 'trigger.' no in or out of a relationship the first year, no housing changes the first year, etc
Please find some Alanon meetings for yourself where you can talk face to face with others that have gone through or are going through what you are going through now. It will be a BIG help for you to find and communicate with folks face to face that do understand!
(((((workingonme))))) I have worked with many in recovery these many years, both those in recovery from alcoholism and those in recovery from codiness also. I do not see the type of behavior and words (mostly ego) in those that truly WANT recovery and know this may be the only chance they get.
Step back. Watch his ACTIONS over the next 6 months to a year and the ACTIONS will tell you how serious, if at all, he is about his recovery.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
I know MANY R.A,s with lots of sobriety who are threatened by Alanon , so not true.
QUOTE=workingonme11;3857050]If he is in TRUE recovery, he would not be threatened by
AlAnon. He would want the person in his life to be part of his
sober journey, which would include AlAnon. He is showing you
who he truly is, drunk or sober.
He refused to talk about his recovery journey and didn't share with me at all about it and actually was quietly brooding about being annoyed at what Im learning about my recovery, too. I was always wondering was it usual for RAH/RA to be so secretive about everything....just like when.he was using. Would become beligerent and crazymake until he would leave the house.
Is this how someone in active recovery acts? *Shrugs*[/QUOTE]
I know MANY R.A,s with lots of sobriety who are threatened by Alanon , so not true.
QUOTE=workingonme11;3857050]If he is in TRUE recovery, he would not be threatened by
AlAnon. He would want the person in his life to be part of his
sober journey, which would include AlAnon. He is showing you
who he truly is, drunk or sober.
He refused to talk about his recovery journey and didn't share with me at all about it and actually was quietly brooding about being annoyed at what Im learning about my recovery, too. I was always wondering was it usual for RAH/RA to be so secretive about everything....just like when.he was using. Would become beligerent and crazymake until he would leave the house.
Is this how someone in active recovery acts? *Shrugs*[/QUOTE]
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