Not sure where to go from here
 

Hello,

I've perused this site a while but never actually posted. I am in a committed relationship with a guy I love dearly. We live together and it wasn't until after I moved in that I realized the alcohol problem was there. He had completed a recovery program for drugs years ago and hasn't gone back to that but he drinks. We have worked on it for months and now he just has the occasional beer after work (by himself though while driving) and I was happy about the progress. Yesterday he was telling fishy stories and I made the mistake of looking at his phone. I know its wrong. But there were messages telling a friend that he would buy the beer as long as no one told me. Well he didn't end up going to hang out with these people but now I'm worried that he doesn't even plan on getting better. Am I over reacting to the amount he is drinking now? Should I just let it go? Sigh, I'm thinking of going to al anon on tuesday but I'm worried that they will basically tell me he clearly isn't ready to change and I should just walk away.

Nobody in Al-Anon will tell you to walk away--that's a decision you will have to make in good time. I'm willing to bet he is drinking a lot more than you think he is. And anyone with a drug addiction should not be drinking.

But that's beside the point for you right now. I think it is likely to get worse for him before it gets better. I think Al-Anon will help you get your own head on straight.

Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. Please continue to share, read, and vent as needed. We understand!

I agree that Alanon is not a program to tell you when or if you should leave your alcoholic. Alanon is a support program that helps you learn to live your life no matter what the alcoholic does, says, or doesn't do.

From personal experience with my AH (alcoholic husband, now ex-husband), he would get a beer on the way home from work every night. What that means to me is: he is driving with an open container which is illegal. He is drinking alcohol on an empty stomach, without food, and this intensifies the effect of the alcohol on the body.

You said this in your original post:
I noticed that you said *we* have worked on his drinking, and then you switch to *you* were happy with the progress. Do you see that you have made HIS drinking part of YOUR responsibility?

HIS drinking may truly be an issue in your relationship, but it is his issue to control.

I know you were happy to see progress, but was he happy too? Or was he just happy to get the drinking ignored/hidden for a little longer?

Alanon will help you to give the responsibility for his drinking back to the one with the drinking issue: HIM.
Alanon will also help you take responsibility for the life you do have control over: YOURS.

Your life matters.
You are important.

First of all there is nothing anyone can say or do that will stop an alcoholic from drinking. Second, this is a progressive disease. Look at your own expectations and try to let them go. Do you trust and respect him? If not leave.

I will second that no one in AlAnon will tell you to leave. Just as we have to allow the A's in our life to make their choices, in AlAnon your choice to stay or leave is respected. AlAnon helps you to find peace in the chaos, it helps us to focus on our own health and well being again.

I was also struck by your comment that "We have worked on it for months...". You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. I can assure you that "we" is not working on this. You may be controlling things and that is not working on it. He is trying to control it by setting limits, which he is obviously not following per his phone message. A's will tell you whatever they need to in order to protect their drinking.

Whatever he is drinking now, it is a progressive disease and it will get worse. If you truly want to work on this, then focus on the only part of this you can do anything about....you. Find anAlAnon meeting and learn everything you can.