Just sad tonight
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Just sad tonight
I guess I should be over this, but really he owes me money and I’m mad to the fullest that he will not respond to me and I have to take him to small claims. I want nothing to do with him as a fiancé anymore I just want justice that I guess I will have to get in court.
So I finally get the ex-abf on the phone today because there is an outstanding bill of 3300.00 owed to the rental company from when we lived together. He will only talk to me because he thinks I’m them. Until I let him know it’s me he hangs up. Well it’s been since last august since we’ve talk and it hurts. It hurts because I paid for everything. I’m a fool and no matter what I learn in alanon or in therapy I let someone use me to the fullest.
He did not care one bit about my life when I cared too much. The codependent came out that I didn’t know way there because I’d been single for 8 years and before that working on me and I was happy. I mean really happy doing what I wanted with not a care in the world and then my ex-abf came along and I lost all sense of who I was and what I wanted.
Tonight I’m sad and mad all at the same time. I have worked so hard to rebuild my life in the last 8 months but really never thought I’d be turning 41 and single with a broken heart. I just don’t’ understand what he had on me and why I still feel this way, why do I still love him when he was so wrong for me and I knew it.
When life with my ex-abf was good it was great from day one I could feel energy between us that I’ve never felt with anyone and I think someday that is what bums me out the most. I wonder will I ever find it again? I live in a small community and getting older with no kids I guess is hitting me hard lately about what happen with him or really it’s just about me. I guess I’m just sad tonight and need support that life without him is going to continue to be okay.
So I finally get the ex-abf on the phone today because there is an outstanding bill of 3300.00 owed to the rental company from when we lived together. He will only talk to me because he thinks I’m them. Until I let him know it’s me he hangs up. Well it’s been since last august since we’ve talk and it hurts. It hurts because I paid for everything. I’m a fool and no matter what I learn in alanon or in therapy I let someone use me to the fullest.
He did not care one bit about my life when I cared too much. The codependent came out that I didn’t know way there because I’d been single for 8 years and before that working on me and I was happy. I mean really happy doing what I wanted with not a care in the world and then my ex-abf came along and I lost all sense of who I was and what I wanted.
Tonight I’m sad and mad all at the same time. I have worked so hard to rebuild my life in the last 8 months but really never thought I’d be turning 41 and single with a broken heart. I just don’t’ understand what he had on me and why I still feel this way, why do I still love him when he was so wrong for me and I knew it.
When life with my ex-abf was good it was great from day one I could feel energy between us that I’ve never felt with anyone and I think someday that is what bums me out the most. I wonder will I ever find it again? I live in a small community and getting older with no kids I guess is hitting me hard lately about what happen with him or really it’s just about me. I guess I’m just sad tonight and need support that life without him is going to continue to be okay.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
You are going to be ok. What you are going through is normal. You are grieving. Allow yourself to feel those things. Keep coming on here.
You say youre 41 starting over with no kids. I am 35 with kids with separated AH and its all the same...we are in pain. Be gentle with yourself. Work on you. Know your worth and demand better for yourself. Go to Alanon, it helps. It will help you take a personal inventory.
The pain is overwhelming. I know, Im sittin here tonight thinking about separated AH too...questioning out life together, his feelings for me, etc but none of it helps. We drive ourselves crazy with those thoughts. You have to accept he isnt the man you need and let go. I keep repeating that every day and Im hoping eventually Ill start believing it!
Take care of yourself honey. You will be just fine. Day by day...
You say youre 41 starting over with no kids. I am 35 with kids with separated AH and its all the same...we are in pain. Be gentle with yourself. Work on you. Know your worth and demand better for yourself. Go to Alanon, it helps. It will help you take a personal inventory.
The pain is overwhelming. I know, Im sittin here tonight thinking about separated AH too...questioning out life together, his feelings for me, etc but none of it helps. We drive ourselves crazy with those thoughts. You have to accept he isnt the man you need and let go. I keep repeating that every day and Im hoping eventually Ill start believing it!
Take care of yourself honey. You will be just fine. Day by day...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 118
You said
I just don’t’ understand what he had on me and why I still feel this way, why do I still love him when he was so wrong for me and I knew it.
Reading books on codependency and relationship addiction by in-your-face authors is what answered that question for me.
When life with my ex-abf was good it was great from day one
This adult man allowed you to pay for some of his needs, then skips out on evening things out when you broke up - more than $3,000? Was life with him really all that great?
I could feel energy between us that I’ve never felt with anyone and I think someday that is what bums me out the most. I wonder will I ever find it again? I live in a small community and getting older with no kids I guess is hitting me hard lately about what happen with him or really it’s just about me.
You're better off without him. If you live out the rest of your life surrounded by cats and QVC boxes, you'd still be better off without him.
Have you read the stickies and classic reading sections in the F&F of Alcoholics section? I did that last night because I was feeling somewhat like you are, lovesun.
It really helped - felt like I'd dodged a bullet (the ex alcoholic flame) in no time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
I just don’t’ understand what he had on me and why I still feel this way, why do I still love him when he was so wrong for me and I knew it.
Reading books on codependency and relationship addiction by in-your-face authors is what answered that question for me.
When life with my ex-abf was good it was great from day one
This adult man allowed you to pay for some of his needs, then skips out on evening things out when you broke up - more than $3,000? Was life with him really all that great?
I could feel energy between us that I’ve never felt with anyone and I think someday that is what bums me out the most. I wonder will I ever find it again? I live in a small community and getting older with no kids I guess is hitting me hard lately about what happen with him or really it’s just about me.
You're better off without him. If you live out the rest of your life surrounded by cats and QVC boxes, you'd still be better off without him.
Have you read the stickies and classic reading sections in the F&F of Alcoholics section? I did that last night because I was feeling somewhat like you are, lovesun.
It really helped - felt like I'd dodged a bullet (the ex alcoholic flame) in no time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am so sorry you are hurting.
Looking to another human for our personal joy and comfort will bite us in the butt everytime. Honey, he NEVER held the key to your happiness, YOU do.
Now, truly is not the time to worry about tomorrow. Just stay in your today, tomorrow has a way of taking care of itself.
Put some music on, call some friends, read, take a bath, clean the junk drawer, do anything to occupy your troubled mind.
Everything happens for a reason, my friend, one day it will all make sense, you just have to keep believing in yourself.
Hugs and peace to you!
Looking to another human for our personal joy and comfort will bite us in the butt everytime. Honey, he NEVER held the key to your happiness, YOU do.
Now, truly is not the time to worry about tomorrow. Just stay in your today, tomorrow has a way of taking care of itself.
Put some music on, call some friends, read, take a bath, clean the junk drawer, do anything to occupy your troubled mind.
Everything happens for a reason, my friend, one day it will all make sense, you just have to keep believing in yourself.
Hugs and peace to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
$3300.00?
Girl... you got off cheap! Wish I pushed the eject button at that number! Oh no... I spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to help him start businesses that never panned (guess why?).
Don't replay the tape of the good times and the hot electric moments... only replay the AWFUL stuff that your brain is blocking. List it out... all of it. There is plenty of material to work with. Make a very, very long list of WHY he is Mr. Toxic.
You are still feeling this way because you are feeding the wrong thought patterns which in turn are triggering brain chemicals (yes, all the stuff we "feel" is biological with released chemicals in the brain as well as hormones. Your body and brain are working against you... stop helping them because they are stupid ... they have no emotional intelligence. They are chemicals!
So... he is bad news. Don't give him space in your brain.
And yes... you can find someone new but you don't need a man to complete you or make you happy. Life can be FAB without a full time guy... in fact it can be better than with a full time guy... but that is my story!
So... smack those chemicals back into shape and find some stuff to do that releases GOOD chemicals... feel good chemicals.
What lights your fire? What do you love, love, love to do? Don't know? Start trying new stuff! Fun stuff.... go for it.
Girl... you got off cheap! Wish I pushed the eject button at that number! Oh no... I spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to help him start businesses that never panned (guess why?).
Don't replay the tape of the good times and the hot electric moments... only replay the AWFUL stuff that your brain is blocking. List it out... all of it. There is plenty of material to work with. Make a very, very long list of WHY he is Mr. Toxic.
You are still feeling this way because you are feeding the wrong thought patterns which in turn are triggering brain chemicals (yes, all the stuff we "feel" is biological with released chemicals in the brain as well as hormones. Your body and brain are working against you... stop helping them because they are stupid ... they have no emotional intelligence. They are chemicals!
So... he is bad news. Don't give him space in your brain.
And yes... you can find someone new but you don't need a man to complete you or make you happy. Life can be FAB without a full time guy... in fact it can be better than with a full time guy... but that is my story!
So... smack those chemicals back into shape and find some stuff to do that releases GOOD chemicals... feel good chemicals.
What lights your fire? What do you love, love, love to do? Don't know? Start trying new stuff! Fun stuff.... go for it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, Hopeworks is DEFINITELY channeling me this morning. I did the same thing with the money and the b/f's business.
If I were you I'd mentally write off the debt. Think of it as the equivalent of the furnace breaking down--just one of those expenses you got stuck with. Letting go of it will be much better for you than the ongoing hassle of trying to get it out of him. Winning in court would not bring the relief you think it will.
I wish *I* were 41 again--at that age I was still sucked into my second alcoholic relationship and hadn't even moved on to the even worse relationship that was to suck up another five-plus years of my life. You have lots and lots of time to rediscover yourself. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but it happens--gradually. But you have to let go of the past to get to the future.
If I were you I'd mentally write off the debt. Think of it as the equivalent of the furnace breaking down--just one of those expenses you got stuck with. Letting go of it will be much better for you than the ongoing hassle of trying to get it out of him. Winning in court would not bring the relief you think it will.
I wish *I* were 41 again--at that age I was still sucked into my second alcoholic relationship and hadn't even moved on to the even worse relationship that was to suck up another five-plus years of my life. You have lots and lots of time to rediscover yourself. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but it happens--gradually. But you have to let go of the past to get to the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Thank you for all your words of encouragement. Yes I do need to stop the reply of what was good because really that list is only 1 or 2 reason of good, the bad was way to much and the lies. Thank you for pointing that out Hopeworks, my brain is not functioning correctly lately. I've been up and down plus to throw in sick with a cold that turned in to bronchitis that has lasted since Christmas has not helped me.
I guess why I'm really upset is about the money. I know that really it sounds min to only be getting a 3300.00 bill left out in the open but I spent thousands on our living expensive in two states and used all my savings. My credit is now ruined and I need a vehicle to get to and from work.
These are just a bunch more challenges I guess that really I can overcome. I am lucky in many ways to not have had kids with him or even marry him. Knowing what I know now this was a blessing that we broke up, he is still a drunk, still dose not pay bills, lives off people until they cannot take it anymore and lies all the time.
For me the ugliness shows up at times when take stock of where I'm at and where can I be. I really don't need a man and I understand that I was so much happier when I was single before my ex-abf because I worked hard to live happy, I do believe it is a choice. 41 is not old by any means and thank you for pointing out Lexicat starting over is still and option and how lucky am I to get this second chance in life.
It helps to come here and vent. Sometimes a kind word to remind me of why getting out of the circle of crazy takes time and hard work but it can be done.
I guess why I'm really upset is about the money. I know that really it sounds min to only be getting a 3300.00 bill left out in the open but I spent thousands on our living expensive in two states and used all my savings. My credit is now ruined and I need a vehicle to get to and from work.
These are just a bunch more challenges I guess that really I can overcome. I am lucky in many ways to not have had kids with him or even marry him. Knowing what I know now this was a blessing that we broke up, he is still a drunk, still dose not pay bills, lives off people until they cannot take it anymore and lies all the time.
For me the ugliness shows up at times when take stock of where I'm at and where can I be. I really don't need a man and I understand that I was so much happier when I was single before my ex-abf because I worked hard to live happy, I do believe it is a choice. 41 is not old by any means and thank you for pointing out Lexicat starting over is still and option and how lucky am I to get this second chance in life.
It helps to come here and vent. Sometimes a kind word to remind me of why getting out of the circle of crazy takes time and hard work but it can be done.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I feel so very much the same way!!!!! I don't get it and it makes me sad FOR ME. I am ashamed that I would feel love/miss someone that truthfully emotionally/montarily abused me. It took me a long time to see it for what it really was but that is the truth! Yes, many great times and I truly believed he adored/loved me. I haven't been in contact w him which helps. Somedays I don't care others it hurts all over. Hugs to you
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I was going through an ugly divorce at the ripe old age of 40 (I'm now 52). I learned about $30,000 in debt that I wasn't aware of. I felt like an idiot, how did I get myself into this position? I'm 40, I'm old. My attorney told me I could go to court over the money and likely win, but it would take money to fight it. I didn't want to deal with him another day. SO I got a 2nd job, and worked almost every day for a year. Paid off the debt all by myself. Was I mad? Yep. But the day I wrote the check for the last bill was liberating. I then moved to a new house and started over working on me. Fresh start.
My advice would be to cut your losses and move on. I know you have a right to the money, but is your serenity worth the fight? BTW - even if you win in small claims court they won't actually force him to pay you. You have to go after the money you win in the judgement. So it can continue on if you let it.
This 52 yr old is telling you that you're STILL YOUNG!!!! Let this go, put it behind you, and enjoy your health and your future.
My advice would be to cut your losses and move on. I know you have a right to the money, but is your serenity worth the fight? BTW - even if you win in small claims court they won't actually force him to pay you. You have to go after the money you win in the judgement. So it can continue on if you let it.
This 52 yr old is telling you that you're STILL YOUNG!!!! Let this go, put it behind you, and enjoy your health and your future.
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