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Wow! Big time quacking

Old 03-09-2013, 12:54 PM
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Wow! Big time quacking

Remind me to stay on my side of the street! AH is quacking big time. He basically is angry that I'm angry and is accusing me of being incapable if forgiveness. There's so much more, but really I just need to remember that just because he said, doesn't mean it's true. Ugh!
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:57 PM
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That's my middle name now ( Ms Unforgiving)

How christian of me not to forgive him
Especially When I cause the problems to begin with..
Insane
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Old 03-09-2013, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by italiungrl View Post
That's my middle name now ( Ms Unforgiving)

How christian of me not to forgive him
Especially When I cause the problems to begin with..
Insane
Well so glad it's not just me. He also said that my faith is shallow because my new Al Anon friends aren't doing a good job of coaching me through forgiveness! Seriously, some of it is truly insane!
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Old 03-09-2013, 01:45 PM
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Stay on your side of the street. You know he's quacking. No reason to engage in a conversation with a quacker. Detach and leave him to his own insanity.
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Old 03-10-2013, 07:57 AM
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The best one he gave me was that I 'will be very lonely in my next relationship unless it's with a hyper damaged codependent woman'. Soooo, I guess I'm turning into a lesbian? Hmm, who knew?

Sometimes I want to laugh. Sometimes I want to cry. The stuff he comes up with is obviously well thought out and delivered so professionally. It's like he's trying to make a career out of it and I just sit there and usually have no response because it's too insane to respond to!
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:22 AM
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It doesn't sound all that professional.
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
It doesn't sound all that professional.
No, not that particular statement, and it's really in his delivery. There were other things said where his arguments sound like a lawyer defending his case. He literally sounds like a professional lawyer, but he is in sales for a living and he's very good at what he does. He can deliver a line without batting an eye and make it all sound so matter of fact. Hence, the reason I believed his lies for so long. Now, I finally see it as quacking and he's really pulling out the big DUCKS right now.
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:42 AM
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I guess they must actually believe their own BS.
Since it's their world they live in.

I have never in my life time, heard anyone defend such illogical dribble.
The quacking reference made me laugh..
I needed that.
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:58 AM
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It's the way he feels about himself.

My ex sent me an email last night, he described himself to a tee but made it appear as if it was my behaviour.

It's insanity. I can see why they used to put alcoholics in psyche wards.

The madness is thick.

Liz, you know the truth, stick with what you know.

You have come a long way!
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Old 03-10-2013, 11:33 AM
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I have those same discussions its always mirrored to me.
I sit and wanna bang my head against the wall.
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Old 03-10-2013, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
No, not that particular statement, and it's really in his delivery. There were other things said where his arguments sound like a lawyer defending his case. He literally sounds like a professional lawyer, but he is in sales for a living and he's very good at what he does. He can deliver a line without batting an eye and make it all sound so matter of fact. Hence, the reason I believed his lies for so long. Now, I finally see it as quacking and he's really pulling out the big DUCKS right now.
I bet he sounds like a sleazy lawyer or salesman.
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Old 03-10-2013, 01:20 PM
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Liz, I can't get the image out of m y mind of your 14yr. old son listening to this. He is getting instruction on how to treat a woman. Kids always hear more than we assume that they do.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-10-2013, 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Liz, I can't get the image out of m y mind of your 14yr. old son listening to this. He is getting instruction on how to treat a woman. Kids always hear more than we assume that they do.

sincerely, dandylion
My son doesn't hear all of the crap(yes, he hears some of it just not all), this was all via email. We talk about what's acceptable and how to treat people on a regular basis and I do it without bringing up his father. We just focus on values, respect, Biblical principles, and I know it's sinking in because I get compliments on his behavior all the time. I still believe that getting him around good coaches, our neighbors who have great marriages in our small group(son attends Bible study with me), and having him spend time with other families who have solid Christian values also help guide him in valuing other people. He is considering going to AlaTeen, too!
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Old 03-11-2013, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
The best one he gave me was that I 'will be very lonely in my next relationship unless it's with a hyper damaged codependent woman'. Soooo, I guess I'm turning into a lesbian? Hmm, who knew?

Sometimes I want to laugh. Sometimes I want to cry. The stuff he comes up with is obviously well thought out and delivered so professionally. It's like he's trying to make a career out of it and I just sit there and usually have no response because it's too insane to respond to!
My counselor gave me some very helpful advice about dealing with the quacking. She said it was an attempt by AH to engage me, and that I needed to keep working on detaching and not letting him have power over me by eliciting a reaction. She had me sit down and write out some pat, non-engaging responses to have ready, no longer than a few words. It really works. Here are a few examples:

"Nice try"
"OK"
"Interesting..."
"Who knows"
"Imagine that!"
"Who knew?"
"Is that the time? Wow, I must go..."

So your answer to the lesbian jab might be "Nice try!" and then you walk away and go do something meaningful. I find the weird conversations that seem to start with his quacking just never get off the ground, because I don't engage, I don't defend, I just muse "Who knew!" and walk away.
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
My counselor gave me some very helpful advice about dealing with the quacking. She said it was an attempt by AH to engage me, and that I needed to keep working on detaching and not letting him have power over me by eliciting a reaction. She had me sit down and write out some pat, non-engaging responses to have ready, no longer than a few words. It really works. Here are a few examples:

"Nice try"
"OK"
"Interesting..."
"Who knows"
"Imagine that!"
"Who knew?"
"Is that the time? Wow, I must go..."

So your answer to the lesbian jab might be "Nice try!" and then you walk away and go do something meaningful. I find the weird conversations that seem to start with his quacking just never get off the ground, because I don't engage, I don't defend, I just muse "Who knew!" and walk away.
I love these! He hates it when I say OK. He says it's disrespectful.
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:47 AM
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and always remember

"Hurting people HURT people"

people filled with pain do anything and everything to try to hurt those around them so that everyone can be filled with the misery and pain they feel - it's truly a sad thing ~

The best part of our recovery is that we know now that we don't have to take that on - that you reminded yourself - "Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true."

Keep taking good care of you!

pink hugs
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:52 AM
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"Just because someone says it doesn't make it true."

My XAH has been hospitalized for bipolar mania. He was so hateful toward me when I would visit him. The accusations, the grilling, the paranoia.

The reality was that I was holding it together with two tiny (1 and 2 years old) children, no job, a husband in the hospital.

I had to learn not to internalize the hideous things he said about how I was neglecting him and how selfish I was.

I literally pulled the car over on the side of the road because I was sobbing too hard to drive, and I told myself "YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. He is in a mental hospital and you are not. You already KNOW what is true."

I have to say that to myself sometimes still. It's a great reminder. Thank you.
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Old 03-12-2013, 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres View Post
and always remember

"Hurting people HURT people"

people filled with pain do anything and everything to try to hurt those around them so that everyone can be filled with the misery and pain they feel - it's truly a sad thing ~

The best part of our recovery is that we know now that we don't have to take that on - that you reminded yourself - "Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true."

Keep taking good care of you!

pink hugs
Thank you MsPink! I just need to stay on my side of the street no matter what he throws at me.
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Old 03-14-2013, 06:44 AM
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There's a story in al-anon (I think in one of the readings? Not sure), the refrigerator story.

If you were on the phone with someone, and they told you your refrigerator is blue, but it's white, would you stand there and argue with them "My refrigerator is not blue? It's white!" They're on the phone - they can't see your fridge, they don't know what they're talking about. But me, I would totally stand there and argue with this person that my refrigerator is white, not blue!

So there's the saying "My refrigerator is not blue, my refrigerator is not blue..." You know he's wrong, and we're told "don't argue with a drunk alcoholic" for a reason. It saps you of anything constructive and you're left continuing the argument mentally while he's going on with his day. No thanks.
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Old 03-17-2013, 05:04 PM
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Lizatola your husband sounds a lot like mine. He is very "professional" when he's trying to convince me that I'm the wrong one, and blah blah blah... He is a business owner and also into sales. What sucks is that everyone else thinks he's perfect so even the people we know think I'm just a big B that is mistreating him. Whatever.
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