honeypig

Wow, I am just feeling like I've been dropped in some alternate universe or something...2 months ago, I would have told you things were good, I was enjoying working less than full time for the first time in my life, and thank god my hub had gone back to AA and worked things out. Now? I'd say I was just stunned to find out that he had gone to meetings for a month or 2 and never again in the course of the last 4 years. He has been drinking increasingly heavily over that time, taking hundreds of dollars a month out of our bank account and hiding it from me, playing a game that I can't even believe the complexity of to keep me from ever knowing.

No news to folks here, I'm sure. I feel so oblivious, so stupid, how could I not have known? I suspected, and even asked a handful of times if he had been drinking (feeling terrible and guilty the whole time for doubting him), but he always denied it and I swallowed it.

Just got done emailing my boss to ask if I can increase my hours to full time. Just looking at the phone book for local attorneys--I do NOT want to be financially attached to him when he crashes and burns. He seemed so satisfied when I came home from my first Alanon meeting, said "so, they probably told you not to make any radical changes for the first 6 months or so, right?" (He is a veteran of AA, so knows how it works.). It was like he was oh so happy to know he had more time before having to face the world himself.

I have concerns about making ends meet myself but I guess I'm just wanting to pull the plug on someone who I don't think has ANY intention of changing his ways. This lying thing has gone on since almost the very beginning of our marriage, starting with him secretly smoking and then progressing to drinking again. I'm just kicking myself looking back at the red flags I willfully ignored. I want the last 18 years of my life back! And no one to blame but myself and my desire to feel safe at all costs.

Sorry for the incoherence--just need to get some of this out. I am angry, I am full of self-pity, and I'm scared (about the future, not safety-wise). I better go breathe and make some tea and try to get myself together.

Thanks in advance to anyone who has anything helpful to offer this mess!

LexieCat

So sorry all this has happened. It sucks, no two ways about it.

Just keep breathing, take things one step at a time. Calling a lawyer is a good move, and so is going to Al-Anon.

AnvilheadII

I want the last 18 years of my life back!

well...ya can't. BUT you CAN make the next 18 FABULOUS! now you know what you know, blinders are off and you forge ahead. yeah I know, sounds so easy....it's not, but it is totally doable. one step at a time. one positive action at a time. you CAN if you DO - you CAN'T if you DON'T (or won't!).

my3sonsnme

I have no wise word of advice but I did want to let you know you are not alone...its going to be tough, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Time to take care of you now...

EnglishGarden

Alcoholics and drug addicts are always ten steps ahead of us. You did not "willfully ignore" the red flags....try to be easier on yourself......you were brilliantly conned, plain and simple.If you were yourself a brilliant con artist, perhaps you would have caught the scam earlier. That kind of game would have been a part of your reality. But you are not a con artist. You are just you, straightforward and truthful, and you were no match for what he was about.

You can look back now and see the warning signs. But still, he was ten steps ahead of you.

He is a severe alcoholic and terrified of life without alcohol. People who think this way rarely choose marriage over the drink. Most will let the spouse go.

So it's best to continue what you are doing, preparing for independent living and a new life. The 18 years were a part of the script, they were some chapters leading up what's happening now, and now this is where you are today: Act 2. The story continues.

I have a very bad habit of criticizing myself for all the wrong turns and the stupid naive clueless human being I have been many times in my life. This thinking is a destroyer of life. That I know. And I try to turn it around. And to see how all the threads connected, and how every event--painful and humiliating events--took me some place and among some people I needed to encounter for a higher purpose. If I don't consciously try to turn my thinking around, then I become more destructive to myself than any alcoholic ever was.

So I just hope you will not hang yourself on your own thinking. It won't get you anywhere good.

You know what you know. It is what it is. Time to make big changes. I'm sure you can find your way out of this wilderness.

lovesunandsnow

You can do it and when you believe you can it will happen. One step at a time and one phone call at a time. You are going to have to make plans so it's easier for you to move on in the beginning. Make sure to do them so he has not gotten wind of them. Get a prepaid phone if you think he might look at your cell and find somewhere to do your plans that he cannot see.

When you have a plan you'll feel better with that you need to do. I had a plan last year after my ex-abf and I broke up and let's say we needed to break up and not get married like we were going to do but if I didn't have a plan I would have made it though such an ordeal. It still hurt and I'm still uncovering the mess inside myself but having it on paper gave me the guts to move forward, get a little numb so I could do what needed to get done.

I wish you the best.

CeciliaV

Hi honeypig - so sorry you're going through this. The best advice I could offer would be to focus on you and your needs, and it sounds like you're taking steps to do that by trying to increase your work hours & figure out your legal options. Keep reaching out for help and support. Sending you strength & hugs.

honeypig

I appreciate the thoughts from all who posted last night; thanks again. EnglishGarden, you are SO right--he has always been not only steps but miles ahead of me. I'm not stupid, but I have always approached everything pretty much head on. Any kind of dishonesty or subterfuge always takes me totally by surprise, not b/c I have this great virtue of honesty but b/c it simply never occurs to me to do/say anything else.

Anyway, obviously I woke up this AM and the sun rose and I fed my dogs and shoveled the walk, so life goes on. Am waiting to hear from my boss re: more hours. Did more research on divorce vs legal separation, learned some things. Gotta keep trudging forward....

I am able to settle down and work for about 15 minutes at a time (I'm a medical transcriptionist, paid by the line typed) and then a wave of anxiety will sweep over me, so I say the Serenity Prayer and/or come here for a quick read. Then I'm restored enough to get back to it for another 15 minutes.

Bless you all for being here; not sure how I'd do it w/o you right now.