PixieGirl

Hi all. Things had been going seemingly pretty well lately, thus I haven't been on here. Well of course that never lasts does it?

So here's the thing, the XAH dropped off DS last Saturday smelling like alcohol. I didn't want to upset DS and I said nothing at the time. I of course analyzed XAH's behaviour as I'm very familiar with how he acts when drunk. He was not drunk but he has obviously slipped enough that he is needing to drink while he has DS. (He has him every week for about 2.5 days, 16 hours of that DS is with XAH's mom)

I sent him a message saying that he smelled like alcohol and that to state the obvious, please do not drink AT ALL when he has DS. I said if that is too difficult then maybe he should have supervised visitation. I have not got a response which confirms that my nose was right.

Now I'm struggling with what my next step should be? I know I really should get a lawyer - why are they so darn expensive?? In the last year we have managed to discuss co-parenting issues pretty amicably without any lawyer/court involvement. I know that alcoholism is progressive and he is very likely not in any treatment, so I'm trying to think ahead to the best course of action while DS grows up.

I wonder if I should try to get sole legal/physical custody? Do I bring him to my X-MIL this week? Do I try speaking to XAH on the phone? I haven't even told my mom about this because I know she'll freak out and get really upset. I want to try and think rationally about my next move. ARGGHHH!!!!! Sorry just had to get that out.

Please tell me what you think my options are and please please share if you've been through this and what you have learned! Thank you!

PixieGirl

I should point out that I'm in Canada

LexieCat

I don't see that you need sole legal custody--it is the behavior during visitation that is concerning you at this point. If you have sole legal custody he has no right to have input into any decisions affecting his son. It doesn't sound like he is so far gone you need to do that--yet.

I do suggest you get a lawyer if you can afford it. If you can't, most courts can provide you with a packet of paperwork to file your own motion for any changes in your agreement. You might want to start with a motion for an alcohol evaluation. In support of that, you would attach an affidavit or certification about what you observed. How old is your son?

HoopNinja

We had to go to court mandated counseling and one of the conditions of placement (that we both signed) was no drinking when the kids are around or 12 hours BEFORE you have the kids. Gives them time to dry out if they need to. I am not sure he sticks to it but I do know he does not get drunk. Older DS knows what his dad is like and he would call me to come and get them if he was worried. Also, he watches him like a hawk because he does not want him to drink.

Not sure if that is an option. But if you can file your own motion without a lawyer will he lawyer up? It is always hard to represent yourself if the other party has an attorney. I did it once and will never do it again.

Rosiepetal

I'm in a different country but when I went to talk to a lawyer about the alcohol & drug abuse & unsafe people around my children when their father had them every 2nd weekend the lawyer put it to me plain - there was nothing I could do unless I could prove it or something bad happens. It frustrated me that I had to wait for something to happen before I could act.
The legal advice I received came free because I never took it any further so it would be worth sourcing your legal options.

LexieCat

The thing is, she CAN "prove it"--you don't necessarily need more than your own credible testimony. If the judge believes her, s/he can order the evaluation, and then there will be more information on which s/he can make a decision.

It's not the same as saying no parent can ever drink alcohol while the child is with them. A normal non-alcoholic should be able to have wine with dinner or even a cocktail or two in the evening, without risking danger to the children. But someone who is clearly an alcoholic is unpredictable and undependable when they are drinking. They might be able to keep it to a dull roar most of the time, but there is always the risk that on a really bad day they will get sh*tfaced drunk when they have the kids. That is a risk you don't really have with nonalcoholics.

I would ask for the evaluation, personally.

lillamy

The law also varies from state to state. Here, the drunk driving limit is also the drunk patenting limit: if you're too intoxicated to drive, you're too intoxicated to take care of children.

Also in my state, my testimony didn't count.

LexieCat

Testimony ALWAYS counts--a court cannot reject sworn testimony without reason. Whether it will be enough to persuade a particular judge is another story.

I never heard of a "drunk parenting" limit. Lillamy, what state do you live in?

4MyBoys

My testimony is all that I have had to provide here. He should never have been drinking if it was even just one then drivin your child to meet you. That is child endangerment. And if you could smell it I am sure it was more than one.

Start writing down your story and documenting everything even on the off chance you have to go to court. I took my husband, who happend to be a police officer, and I ended up getting temporary custody of my kids just off of my testimony alone. Almost a year later and he still only gets to see them every other weekend and only if he uses a breathilizer. Drinking during visits and driving to meet me was one of the driving issues that got him in the spot.

It all started for me by talking to an attorney and finding out my rights. I highly suggest it.

4MyBoys

PixieGirl

FYI - DS is 3 yrs old so can't let me know what's going on. I do try to gauge his mood and so far he's happy to spend time with his dad. It gives me chills to think about him having to watch his dad like a hawk for signs of drinking when he gets older I know what that's like.

Thanks so much guys. I'm going to begin documenting everything in writing. I read somewhere else about taking pictures of all the beer cans etc and I really wish I had thought to do that before I left him a year ago.

I am going to find a lawyer and figure out what can be done in my province. I would like him to be ordered to go to rehab/AA but then again I know it's only going to work if he's committed to it himself.

How do you get someone to take a breathalizer before visits? Do you have to buy your own machine? I've also heard about these saliva test strips, but that they can be fooled. I've been working so hard on my own issues that I feel like having to closely monitor his drinking myself is a step backwards for me. I would rather that be taken care of by someone else that can be trusted.

Cyranoak

Supervised visitation is the next step. What is it that's keeping you from taking it? Fear of your husband?

Please protect your son-- his father won't.

Cyranoak

LexieCat

Your lawyer should be able to tell you what can be done to enforce any "no drinking during visitation" orders. Get the advice--knowledge is power.

PixieGirl

I'm not afraid of XAH (he's not violent/abusive at all, just a dumbass) - but I don't want to be around him either. It might have to be supervised visitation, I would just prefer not to be the one supervising, it sounds horribly uncomfortable for all. Obviously though I would take any discomfort for the sake of protecting my son.
I spoke to my XMIL today about it, I feel a little better knowing I have her support. She went through this with XAH's dad after all.

PixieGirl

To further update: I spoke to XAH in person when he dropped DS off (he never replied to my msgs) and basically denies that he is an alcoholic, said he was making jello shots for a party and that's why he smelled (obviously he sampled some!! And why make jello shots with your 3 year old??)

Also tried to do that whole turn-it-around on me crapola and said I have an addiction since I take prescribed anti-anxiety meds!! GAH! I am proud of myself for keeping my cool. I did engage a bit in defending myself from his ridiculous accusation of me being an addict. But generally I kept it all on topic and I didn't raise my voice.

I think I did pretty well all things considered. I got really angry for a while after and had to remind myself that he's just acting like the alcoholic he is - don't go to the hardware store for bread etc etc!

What I said about him not drinking with DS or if that's too difficult then he may need supervised visits - he considers that a 'threat'. I really didn't think of it as a threat but just the way it is because he's driving while he had alcohol with our son and I have to think about his safety, and that's what I said. I worry because I don't know if he would do anything erratic if he thinks he is being threatened? He has a history of being all-talk but I can't help but worry.

Anyway, we left it with me asking him to go into mediation with me to sort this out and him grudgingly agreeing. I fully expect him to do nothing of the sort and I will making calls about legal advice, legal aid etc.

SoaringSpirits

My AH and I are in divorce mediation. He has our kids (teens) every Wednesday and every other weekend. In mediation, I negotiated an agreement with AH where he has to use a device called Soberlink, it's a breathalizer that attaches to your smartphone. Surprisingly he agreed to this, since he's "not an alcoholic," and now we have an agreement filed in court that he has to blow into the Soberlink 3x daily (morning, noon, night) on the days when he has the kids --- blow times revolve around when AH has to drive to get the kids to/from school. It gives me some peace of mind, costs $210/month, expensive but worth it. I get text messages if he misses a blow, and I get text messages if a blow comes back positive (in either case, I am supposed to pick up the kids immediately, and with the agreement being filed in court, this gives me teeth in case I needed to call in the police). So maybe this is something you can discuss if you go into mediation.

Document everything by keeping a journal with dates, times, events, what was said, etc.