loveaboveall

I think my relationship is being misconstrued. How amazing he is outweighs these few situations by a long shot. They just stoops out to me as red flag and since I came here to talk about being with a recovering alcoholic rather than our relationship, that is why I posted about this such situation. I can name 3 instances in our relationship where he wanted me to drink more. I am still wondering if him relating drinking with a good time is something that he will always feel. I guess I feel as if he still identifies "fun" with drinking. Sure he has a good time when he doesn't, but unlike me he feels as if it is lacking because he cannot drink.

Pelican

As long as he is not doing any work to make changes in his old thinking, then he will likely continue to relate fun with alcohol.


The dry drunk reference is a description of someone who stops drinking (dry) but still has all the other *ism's of alcoholism. The alcohol has been removed, but that is the only real change. Recovery from alcoholism involves looking deep within and finding a healthier path that improves the spirit, body and mind.

AA is one path, but there are many other paths to lasting recovery from addiction.

LadySage

When I met my XAH he had 5 months sober, would occasionally smoke pot and didn't go to meetings/really work a program. He also worked a LOT and went to school at the same time, so I really let it slide that he wasn't actively involved in recovery efforts. If I had known what I now know this would have raised a huge red flag but it didn't because I didn't know much about recovery.

XAH also would push me to drink when out with friends (the very few times we actually went out) and often make jokes about his drinking days. The jokes made my slightly uncomfortable and I'd think to myself "whats so great about that? I don't need to drink, we're having fun anyway!"

I remember a month after we started dating we went to the beach and he said he had allergies. Bough a bottle of Dayquil and finished the whole thing while we were down there (I didn't know this until months later when I cleaned out my car) while taking allergy medicine. At the time I thought "well he's a big guy."

Eventually he relapsed hard and spiraled down until I had to walk away. I'm not saying your situation is the same or that your ABF will relapse...but, i'd be careful. Some of these things may be warning signs.

Keep a running list of warning signs, know what your boundaries are, know what you will do if he relapses and know where al-anon is.

Hanna

From everything I've read here, the people that are in a good place with respect to recovery got over feeling like alcohol was necessary for a good time. Actually many of them describe feeling like it is a recipe for a bad time.

Is this something you feel you could discuss with him?

My brother has been sober for 18 months. I could definitely talk to him about this and any other topic related to his addiction and sobriety. We are probably unusual because we just talk alot and openly about most anything though and always have. But I think it would be great for both of you if you opened up a dialogue about this and shared your feelings.

LadySage

I just saw this and have to ask...are you sure that it doesn't affect the relationship? Also, do you think it's an issue that nothing seems too extreme for you?

Crazed

I can emphathize with your situation. I enjoy a nice bourbon on the rocks while at a nice restaurant, but out of respect for EXRAG would abstain. She would often gently push... Not insist. She would often say "it was her disease, not mine." Needless to say, after years of relapsing, I didn't see the necessity to abstain, and would drink. To this day, she will say that she had no issue with me having a few drinks in front of her.... But maybe subconsciously she did.

I can understand your BF equating fun with drinking. My EXRAG has also made statements during periods of recovery indicating a desire to drink.... Like on vacation after a beautiful day of scuba diving, and watching the sunset, she would say something like "I am not having a craving, but it would be nice to be able to have a drink right now." It was something we used to do together. I never saw this as a warning, just her being open and honest.

redatlanta

I do believe you when you say he is amazing and that you have a great relationship.

I also believe he is heading for relapse again. The dayquil was a relapse. I know this because your story rings familiar with my RAH relapse last year after 10 years sober. "This would be so much more fun if I had a bottle of vodka" is one of the biggest red flags an A can make. Understand that a relapse occurs well before the actual ingestion of alcohol. The process by which they decide its ok to drink starts with "stinkin thinking" for mine it was "I think I can socially drink", "I would like to be a like a normal person and have a glass of wine with dinner" "I think if I had a drink here and there it will be fine obviously I can control it I have been sober for 10 years" "If I were to drink again and it was to get out of control I would know it before anyone and I know what to do about it" and finally "I think I would have a better time if I had a drink right now".

The process for human beings to rationalize and do what they know is wrong is all the same. We convince ourselves in a myriad of ways that its ok to do - devil on one shoulder and angel on the other. Eventually we just knock the angel off and only listen to the devil. That he is encouraging you to drink is odd for a sober person in active recovery. There are many couples that one partner is sober and the other isn't that work within parameters that is ok for them both - before my RAH relapsed he did not have a problem if I wanted to have a drink - which was seldom - but he did not encourage or pressure me to do so and getting drunk was a no no. After he relapsed and before I really knew he didn't pressure me to drink rather if we were at a function he would bring me drink after drink. I know now that was because HE was drinking and he didn't want me to notice.

I strongly encourage you to go to Al Anon so you can have the tools you need to handle this situation. It would be nice to ask him to join you in an AA meeting and maybe he would go but I don't really think that is going to help you - he has to WANT to go not appease his GF.

peridotbleu

Hi Loveable!
I am new to all of this, I am the wife of an AH who is in denial. I was in denial for many (too many) years. Alcoholism isn't something that is easily defined, because it is socially acceptable, but once you break through that denial, you can see so much more clearly. Your BF sounds like a great person, but there is probably a reason why he wants you to drink! Keep that in the back of your mind! SR has been such an eye-opener for me and I am so thankful that I found this forum. That being said, in my opinion, and from what I have learned through research, SR and Al-Anon, if you have questions regarding your relationship and alcohol - there is a problem. Alcoholism is never cured and without proper treatment/recovery, it will remain an issue and more than likely get worse without active recovery.
If everything was fine, you would not have to question! I have always said that with regards to relationships - if you have to question, defend or make excuses for - then something isn't right. Please read all that you can and keep an open mind. Take what you need and leave the rest! I wish you the best!

peridotbleu

*Loveaboveall - sorry (auto correct!)

FireSprite

It sounds like a definite relapse situation to me, based on everything I've read over the last 18 months dealing with alcoholism. I wonder, like Pelican, if it isn't the 1st time & part of him pushing you to drink (ever) is based around being better able to hide a shot or 2 himself. In all of your examples it sounds like HE feels like HE would have more fun with a few drinks & not the other way around, yet YOU are the one worried whether he should be attending AA again. Red flags all around.

I think you could benefit greatly from reading around the forums here, it's a great place to learn about alcoholism from all sides of the issue.

Florence

One of the most important lessons I learned from living with an alcoholic: If it is confusing, I don't have the whole story, whole picture, or whole explanation. And if he's involved, my lack of information is probably by design.

My AH is also a great guy, a good dad, and a well-meaning person. But alcoholism and addiction by nature gives people poor judgment. It's not worthwhile to spend your time and energy sussing out why he's pushing alcohol on you when you don't want to drink. "No" is a complete sentence. Why is he pushing booze on you at all? Why is he pushing booze on you, especially when he has a drinking problem? Why are you minimizing someone pushing booze on you?

loveaboveall

Thank you everyone. I will prepare myself best as possible for a relapse. That being said, I know 100% that he has not drank at all. When I say I am with him constantly I mean it. I also know that it he was to start drinking it would not be something where he could sneak a few drinks. The second he let's his alcoholism get a hold of him... It will be the death of him. He cannot handle just one drink, he knows it and even though I never knew him as a raging alcoholic, he has made it very clear what would happen if he relapsed. I am worried about him, he seems to be very adamant about not drinking, but the small jokes and correlating drinking with fun are so worrisome for me.

I really think he as of late is actively trying to keep himsel from drinking, as in he is deathly afraid of giving in to his own reasonings. As of late we haven't been out at all and I really think it is because he knows a relapse is very possible. I am thankful that he is so open with me about his demons, (talking about his alcoholism is a topic that we discuss frequently and openly) I guess all I can do is pray he is strong enough to seek help and accept the fact that he still needs it.

He has been in a depressive rut this past week and I have noticed that it is during these bouts that encourages me to drink more as well as joke about drinking.


An example of the jokes just so you can get an idea would be me calling on the way home, and asking if he wants me to get something from the stores and him going "a handle of vodka would be awesome" always in a joking tone. I hate it, mostly because it does scare me when he talks like that. I tell him too that it makes me scared and sad when he jokes like that, and he always comes back telling me he is only kidding an that he would never... Because of he did it would be it for him. He has told to me so matter of factly what he would do it is a horrifying thought. Other than set my own boundaries is there anything else I can do? These tend to be phases as I said, right now he has a ton of stress and I feel terrible. I can't help him get out of his own head.

FireSprite

See, you don't understand... he HAS drank, per your post:

loveaboveall

Sigh... Ok I will correct myself... He has not consumed ANY alcohol.

HopefulmomtoD

Actually ... look up the ingredients of nyquil. There is alcohol in it- amongst other things that give you a high.

I think you feel like people are ganging up on you and I understand. You are early in the learning curve of alcoholism and addict behavior. We all started out where you are- some of us are just further along on the learning curve.

The alcoholic in my life is my 22 yo DS. I've only ever seen him drunk two or three times. They are very, very good at hiding it. And, they are very, very good at lying. My DS is a very nice young man- but active addiction, sadly, makes him a sneaky little liar.

SparkleKitty

I believe the OP said he was hiding bottles of Dayquil, not Nyquil. Dayquil is alcohol-free.

Hiding bottles of it is of course worrisome behavior, still, which OP said he addressed with meetings, although he then stopped. Please correct me if I misunderstood that.

loveaboveall

See, that is where people are not reading my posts which is why I am getting defensive. NyQuil has alcohol in it, yes. Which is why it isn't in our home or used at all. DayQuil does NOT have any alcohol in it.


I can honestly say that he does not consume alcohol, I am very aware as to how deceitful alcoholics can be. He always tells me the saying alcoholics are cheats liars and ... Well I can't recall the last one! Lol when I say he has not consumed alcohol at all I mean it. Not a drop. It he reverts back to drinking it will not be a slow end... It will honestly return with a vengeance. I can not make it any more clear that he has NOT had any alcohol since his recovery. Agin, 2 years and 3 months so far. I am so proud of him, but I am very aware that there are some redflags.

loveaboveall

Yeah, this is correct. The DayQuil really wasn't enough to give him any high, but since quitting smoking he has latched on to two odd addictions. One was the DayQuil, another was an odd addiction to cough drops.

DreamsofSerenity

22 is so young to be dealing with something like this. Loveaboveall, I have been through some painful crap in my life but dealing with an alcoholic BF, pretty much takes the cake. So I, like a lot of others on here, am just worried you are headed for a lot of pain with this guy. Please take care of yourself.

Hanna

Remember where I wrote about that it might be tough here sometimes?

You won't be able to get him out of his own head, but you can educate yourself which is what you are doing here, right? Good.

I just found this post yesterday and thought it was great. Even for someone that is not currently drinking.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html