dj7trr

Hi,
I'm hoping I can find some guidance here for my situation. My younger (45 yo) brother is an alcoholic that I keep thinking has hit rock bottom and will admit/accept help but he continues to find new lows in his life and yet will not. I strongly feel that a contributing factor to him not making the commitment to receive help is enabling behavior on behalf of my Mom and to a lesser extent my Father. My brother lives with my parents.

My brother has experienced serious medical issues from his alcoholism since about 5 years ago. He has been hospitalized numerous times and there were a few points in which it was touch and go as to whether he would survive. My brother moved from the west coast to live with my Mom and Dad in the summer of 2011. With my Mom's assistance, my brother received a liver transplant in December of 2011.

He started drinking again we believe about 4 months after the transplant. His alcoholism has cost him his last two jobs, his marriage, house, and his teenage children are somewhat estranged from him. Despite all of this, to my knowledge, his involvement with counseling was a 3 week stay at a treatment center in Oregon and very minimal if any involvement with AA. When we brought him to the treatment center in Oregon after his first detox about 4 years ago they remarked that they had never had someone enter the program that was as jaundice as he was.

Most recently he has been hospitalized approx 4 times over the past 6 months for seizures. Each time he goes through the same, nasty detox progression. Each time my mother states that he has to stay alcohol free this time.....

However, each time she continues to make excuses for his addictive behavior and lying. For example, she mentioned that he has drinking recently because he is depressed that he lost his marriage, house, job, etc. She doesn't seem to realize that his drinking is the exact reason he lost all of those things.

We had an agreement (or at least I thought we did) on his last hospital release a few months ago that he would not receive access to one of their vehicles until he completed at least a few weeks of outpatient counseling. The very next day after coming home from the hospital he had access to the car. This despite the fact that he been hospitalized for seizures multiple times during the past few months.

So a few nights ago, he wrecks their vehicle and is seriously injured. By the thanks of God, no one else was involved. He is currently in ICU with severe leg and ankle fractures, broken ribs, shoulder, and lung damage. He is currently on a ventilator because of the lung damage. He of course was intoxicated, not wearing a seat belt, and it appears that he may have had a seizure and driven straight off the road.

My mom and dad are under great stress and they are too old for this sort of thing. However my brother will not live with me and my mother will not threaten my brother with losing the warmth and safety of her house. She has stated previously that if he is going to die drinking that she would rather it be at her house. She is also a person who consistently searches for non-conventional medical treatments and diagnosis. She spends a lot of time and energy searching for the "cure" to my brother's brain so he won't have an addiction any longer. I don't know that I have ever heard her come out and clearly state he is an alcoholic. I haven't heard that from my brother either.

She feels AA is somewhat barbaric (not sure why) and not terribly effective. And when I try to tell her that my brother's situation isn't terribly special or unusual but the destructive path that many alcoholics follow she tells me I need to put myself in other people's shoes.

With the latest hospitalization I want to craft a sound strategy for dealing with her, him, and the situation before I drive myself nuts. This is where I need advice on method and phrasing. I want to tell them I'm done with all of them until they can all honesty state that he is an alcoholic and the problem is bigger than he is. However, part of me feels that I'm abandoning my mother during this difficult time with my brother.

I am sorry for the very long first post. I would greatly appreciate any effective strategies that can be imparted

CrossFox

As these things go, dj7trr, you can no more enstate an effective strategy on your parents and brother - you can no more make them see the light - than your parents can enstate an effective strategy for your brother or make him see the light.

It seems to me that you can state your thoughts on the matter and let go. There are support groups like Al Anon and other therapeutic resources (therapy with someone familiar with addiction) and take care of your well being.

Many people find that posting here on SoberRecovery is helpful too.

I'm sorry that you're seeing your family go through this.

SparkleKitty

Sadly, I agree with the above poster. They have all of the information. They are grown people with the ability to shape the course of their own future. The only thing you can do is let them know how you feel, but I'd bet my boots they already know that, too.

I'm glad you came here, and I'm sorry I don't have any more hopeful strategies to share. It's important that you take care of yourself or your brother and mother's situation could indeed drive you nuts. You might try Al-Anon meetings if you already haven't. There (and here!) you will meet a lot of people who have been done this road with their loved ones many times.

dj7trr

Thank you for the responses. I think I will seek out a local Al-Anon meeting.
It took so long and so many tears and worries for him to get his transplant and I thought then the nightmare would be over but it just keeps adding more chapters. I would like to wake up one day and not have to worry about this situation and the constant dread associated with it.

Recovering2

We have very similar stories, sans the liver transplant. My brother is 49, lives with my elderly parents. Multiple ICU stays for pancreas, GI bleeds, high BAC. Hasn't held down a job in years. My folks bail him out of jail, drive around and find him when he's drunk. My parents won't make him leave, they'd rather have him drunk at home than out on the street. My Mom is never done praying for a miracle. They walk on egg shells at him, afraid to say/do anything that would upset him and cause him to drink.

I spent years trying to save them all. Years. I hired an Interventionist, but my parents couldn't go through with it. I drew up a contract for them with dates to meet certain requirements, but my parents let the dates come and go. I tried to talk to them, tried to get them to AlAnon, tried to get my brother to treatment. He would go, but here was always a good reason why he had to leave and my folks would always pick him up.

It was making me crazy. And I realized my behavior was making THEM crazy! My parents would get uncomfortable around me, they were always afraid I was going to bring my brother up. I would get angry with my brother, we would argue, and my parents would get upset. I was as miserable as they were.

I went to AlAnon. I slowly started to get that there was nothing I could do for any of them. They are all adults, and they are not willing to change anything. I had to learn to detach from the whole situation. I had to let go of my brother. So I talked to my parents first. Told them how much I loved them, and that as much as I wish things were different I had to accept they're not. But I also told them that it was an unhealthy situation for me personally, and I needed to back away from it. I them let my brother know that I love him,but that I can't be part of the chaos anymore. I then stepped out of it all. His last ICU visit, I stayed home.

I still see my parents all the time, but I invite them to my home. I don't ask about my brother, and they don't say anything. We focus on our time when we're together. When I do see my brother, I am a loving sister. But I keep conversation social. It has saved my sanity. Their situation still breaks my heart, but I am able to keep it separate from my re'ship with them.

You want a "sound strategy"? The only person you can help is you. Your strategy can be to figure out how to detach, how to take care of you. How to stop trying to control things you can't control. AlAnon...definitely. Read "the Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Specifically, read the Jan 4th topic "Separating from Family Issues".

BIG hugs to you, I know how hard it is to watch parents age too soon from an A sibling.

KittenBoo

I'm sorry you're going through this and that it's in many ways tearing apart your family, as it so often does for so many.

You cannot carry guilt around like a weight over this.

If your brother could not muster the courage to remain sober in gratitude for taking the organ of someone else who died to give him that gift, then he never deserved it (I'm not saying something that you don't already know). In essence, he not only stole this deceased person's organ, but robbed another potentially functioning person of their full life waiting on the donor list, trying not to die. So, three people lost in this one major thing unfortunately. And, so many more, in the suffering of your entire family over his alcoholism.

Walk away with whatever sanity you can and try as best you can to live your own life in love and happiness...I know it seems nuts and impossible, but getting away from this crazy chaos seems best, and yes, even when you have to leave behind family in the process.

Sorry this is a painful path, but in the end, the healthiest one for you.

dj7trr

Recovering2 and KittenBoo...thank you so much. Your words are very helpful.

Recovering2 your situation is very similar and it does help to know that you and others have faced the same thing and are effectively managing it.