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Since ive been clean ive pretty much rid myself of the using addicts and alcoholics. its not easy! i thought, ok, ive got it under control. i will just be friends! right.. the codie-o-meter kicked in and i started making allowances.

First i just brushed off that he drank right? thats nothin. and the pot smoking? well, duh! he said he quit 3 months ago!

Then he'd start being under the influence when we'd talk or do something. but, it was okay because he wasnt doing it all the time and he was bored and had nothing else to do. and besides, my doc is crystal! alcohol really isnt a trigger for me!

Then he made a crude comment to me which i promptly ignored and justified my still talking to him because i handled that situation well. completely ignoring the fact that i had just had a nice outing with a perfectly respectable young man who would never dream of saying such a comment to me.

At this point, i bounced back and forth from being ok with talking to him, then swearing him off... no more alcoholic!

Then i started thinking if he ever wanted some sort of recovery, it would be best if i stuck around! keep my foot in the door! wait for him to want it!

I set a boundary and he did his manipulative thing! that ass. i just brushed it off.

Then he started saying how he didnt want to live and i felt soooo bad. and started worrying if i stopped contact that he would off himself or worse, blame me for drinking or smoking pot. and i KNEW i could prevent that! haha.

So... I got in pretty deep and felt so bad for him. then as the s*** began hitting the fan and i was winding up in situations that compromised my sobriety (and the fact that i have a record and could go back to jail at the drop of a cops hat). i justified it for 24 hours... afterall, that was the life i led before, why not just keep myself clean and give that life a shot?

Wrong! lucky for me, i thought of my mom who would not approve. then, most importantly, i thought of my boundaries that had just been overturned by the alcoholic!

I fought back and forth, knowing that my response would ruin all the street faith i had and who cares about that anyway though!? then i thought, man, he might off himself or drink himself once again into oblivion and threaten again to go drive to his spot and some dumb crap.

And then... i had the most wonderful selfish thought... it doesn't matter if he drinks over this, it is his responsibility to take care of himself! shoot, im not off to the races with the needle again just because of his insanity. and i never threatened to go back to the needle to him! although he blatently disrespected my clean time over and over and i let him.

And... the topper. if he offs himself, thats on him too. i did what i had to do for me, and he is a big boy. nothing i can do will keep him alive any longer, especially if he keeps drinking jack and 12 packs every day.

So... moral of this story is... DOT IS A CODIE! STILL! LOL.

rock on

Lorelai

(((Dot)))
I guess we'll always be codies just like alcoholics are always alcoholics. And it is so easy to get sucked in by making excuses in our heads - at least he only drinks beer, at least he doesn't hit me, at least he passes out every night so I don't have to deal with him.

How fantastic that you recognize what you were doing. How fantastic that you can tell us. How fantastic that you are still clean. How fantastic that you know what you want and what you don't want and you have the courage to make that happen.

You are amazing and should be very proud. I'm proud of you.
L

Magichappens

Sometimes I feel like a speck of dirt on the carpet and the A is a Hoover vac.

Kimnat

Cool.
Kimnat

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thanks lorelai!!!

tonite it seems its a rerun, only im handling myself with dignity. at a party which i didnt expect to become a drunken brawl and now i find myself at 2 am not being able to sleep because of the noise and overall stress from not smoking or drinking. so... i am rocking on though, just had to set some boundaries and stick to them like glue... good nite all! wish me well!

dot