de ja vu
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
de ja vu
I posted on here a few months ago now when my boyfriend was a mess and was drinking again. We've been together a year, he hid his drinking for 6 months and I've spent the last 6 months trying to understand as much as I can about the disease.
He's a professional man, recently divorced. He says he remained sober for the whole of the marriage (10 years). They have 3 children.
Our story isn't un typical I'm sure. He has done AA, he attends meetings which are a subset of AA (not regulally). He is the most lovely man sober...
He becomes a liar when drinking.
We had 3 sober months- I got complacent I suppose. He was taking Disulferam and I relied on that 1 little pill a day to give me peace of mind..
On friday I had a niggly gut feeling all day, nothing I could really put my finger on. I'd worked a 12 hour shift and he rang me that night. He sounded a little slurred and oddly jolly.. I just knew. You just do.
He rang me at work on Saturday morning to say he may meet up with a friend for supper that night then watch football at his house.. in other words don't call round after work. Again I knew he was lying.
So of course I chewed all day about it and needed to know for sure. really hoped his car wouldn't be on the drive and he's be out as he said... but it was there. House dark apart fron a TV flicker. So I went round the back and peered through and saw him in the lounge. Rang him and he didn't budge an inch. Comatosed.
I know my fears were confirmed and I should have left him to it. I texted to ask him to just let me know he was ok yesterday but he hasn't.
I feel a fool for allowing myself to get complacent. I love this man but I just can't abide the lies. The let downs, the worry...
The last 3 months were fantastic, we've had so much fun and done so much. I wish I understood.
I just don't know what to do. I do know that getting on with my own life and doing what makes me happy is what I should do but thie "detachment" thing is easier said than done. Do I make a clean break now, or hang on in there hoping for sobriety??
Thanks in advance for any suggestions- be gentle I'm fragile!
xx
He's a professional man, recently divorced. He says he remained sober for the whole of the marriage (10 years). They have 3 children.
Our story isn't un typical I'm sure. He has done AA, he attends meetings which are a subset of AA (not regulally). He is the most lovely man sober...
He becomes a liar when drinking.
We had 3 sober months- I got complacent I suppose. He was taking Disulferam and I relied on that 1 little pill a day to give me peace of mind..
On friday I had a niggly gut feeling all day, nothing I could really put my finger on. I'd worked a 12 hour shift and he rang me that night. He sounded a little slurred and oddly jolly.. I just knew. You just do.
He rang me at work on Saturday morning to say he may meet up with a friend for supper that night then watch football at his house.. in other words don't call round after work. Again I knew he was lying.
So of course I chewed all day about it and needed to know for sure. really hoped his car wouldn't be on the drive and he's be out as he said... but it was there. House dark apart fron a TV flicker. So I went round the back and peered through and saw him in the lounge. Rang him and he didn't budge an inch. Comatosed.
I know my fears were confirmed and I should have left him to it. I texted to ask him to just let me know he was ok yesterday but he hasn't.
I feel a fool for allowing myself to get complacent. I love this man but I just can't abide the lies. The let downs, the worry...
The last 3 months were fantastic, we've had so much fun and done so much. I wish I understood.
I just don't know what to do. I do know that getting on with my own life and doing what makes me happy is what I should do but thie "detachment" thing is easier said than done. Do I make a clean break now, or hang on in there hoping for sobriety??
Thanks in advance for any suggestions- be gentle I'm fragile!
xx
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"He says he remained sober for the whole of the marriage"
I naively believed my XAH when he told me about his previous marriage. I thought his ex was a witch. Now I see things a lot different after living with his alcoholism.
I naively believed my XAH when he told me about his previous marriage. I thought his ex was a witch. Now I see things a lot different after living with his alcoholism.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Wellington, I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend's relapse. I do understand how disappointing and heartbreaking that can be.
None of us can tell you what to do. These sorts of decisions are very personal. You will need to decide if this type of relationship is what you want if your life. Sadly, unless he really embraces recovery with everything in him, this sort of behavior may be as good as it gets with him.
Have you spoken to him about how you feel now that you know he has relapsed? If he denies it, that might be important for you to know, too. I have learned in my life that it is best to deal with reality than hoping for the 'what if's'--because I was just setting myself up for disappointment.
Sending you hugs! HG
I just don't know what to do. I do know that getting on with my own life and doing what makes me happy is what I should do but thie "detachment" thing is easier said than done. Do I make a clean break now, or hang on in there hoping for sobriety??
Have you spoken to him about how you feel now that you know he has relapsed? If he denies it, that might be important for you to know, too. I have learned in my life that it is best to deal with reality than hoping for the 'what if's'--because I was just setting myself up for disappointment.
Sending you hugs! HG
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Wellington,
And this is the "honeymoon period" of the relationship? Imagine what it would be like in a year, 2 years or more as alcoholism is progressive if untreated.
Taking a pill to treat alcoholism may create an unhappy abstinence but usually also creates a cranky, restless, irritable and discontented alcoholic for those closest to him to deal with.
You have to remember that when a relationship is new each party is putting on their happiest face and best personality but after awhile it gets harder to hide who we really are... or not to pick up a drink if we are an untreated alcoholic.
I know it sounds hard to hear but in reality the best present you could give yourself is to press the eject button immediately and pull the parachute. The odds are so bad I can't even begin to give you a good guess... I tell people your chance of navigating the shark waters of an untreated alcoholic and yourself emerging at the other end of attempting to get him sober and emotionally available for a healthy relationship are about the same as getting hit by lightning 7 times in a row on the same day.
Maybe a tad better than that... but not by much.
There are not many, if any fairy tale endings with this disease... the only ones are always involving serious, authentic dedicated recovery efforts by the alcoholic. That doesn't appear to be happening in your case and you simply cannot make it happen...we are powerless to control it.
Sorry to be a pessimist but I really, really encourage you to find some alanon meetings and read, read, read, read all you can about this vicious disease that destroys everyone and everything in its path.
And this is the "honeymoon period" of the relationship? Imagine what it would be like in a year, 2 years or more as alcoholism is progressive if untreated.
Taking a pill to treat alcoholism may create an unhappy abstinence but usually also creates a cranky, restless, irritable and discontented alcoholic for those closest to him to deal with.
You have to remember that when a relationship is new each party is putting on their happiest face and best personality but after awhile it gets harder to hide who we really are... or not to pick up a drink if we are an untreated alcoholic.
I know it sounds hard to hear but in reality the best present you could give yourself is to press the eject button immediately and pull the parachute. The odds are so bad I can't even begin to give you a good guess... I tell people your chance of navigating the shark waters of an untreated alcoholic and yourself emerging at the other end of attempting to get him sober and emotionally available for a healthy relationship are about the same as getting hit by lightning 7 times in a row on the same day.
Maybe a tad better than that... but not by much.
There are not many, if any fairy tale endings with this disease... the only ones are always involving serious, authentic dedicated recovery efforts by the alcoholic. That doesn't appear to be happening in your case and you simply cannot make it happen...we are powerless to control it.
Sorry to be a pessimist but I really, really encourage you to find some alanon meetings and read, read, read, read all you can about this vicious disease that destroys everyone and everything in its path.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My husband was also sober for 10 years and then relapsed. It does happen - unfortunately more often than not.
Ours was a mild relapse though as terrifying and heart breaking for me if it had been a humdinger. Perhaps you should get a gauge of what your bf is thinking - confront him about it and see what he says, will he own up to it or will he deny it?
Mine denied. He drank for two months and I at times thought I was crazy - after I initially confronted him I maybe said something 1 or 2 more times when it was so obvious I didn't think he could possibly deny it, but he did. I think if I had caught him swilling a bottle of vodka he would have told me he wasn't - that is when I got on here and started going to al anon and for 2 months said nothing.
I needed those months - because I did not understand alcoholism. My perception of it was nothing more than what I had read or perhaps caught on TV. The denial of the disease was the hardest for me to accept. It was INFURIATING to be lied to especially when he reeked of minty booze, was clearly drunk and would stand there and tell me he just gargled with listerine and was just sleepy. Ugghh I feel my blood pressure raising just thinking about it.
Until you really understand what you are dealing with it will be hard for you to know how to proceed so I strongly recommend reading as much on here as you can, posting often and going to Al Anon.
Sorry this is happening it is a terrible situation - please protect yourself while dealing with it - easy to get dragged down.
Ours was a mild relapse though as terrifying and heart breaking for me if it had been a humdinger. Perhaps you should get a gauge of what your bf is thinking - confront him about it and see what he says, will he own up to it or will he deny it?
Mine denied. He drank for two months and I at times thought I was crazy - after I initially confronted him I maybe said something 1 or 2 more times when it was so obvious I didn't think he could possibly deny it, but he did. I think if I had caught him swilling a bottle of vodka he would have told me he wasn't - that is when I got on here and started going to al anon and for 2 months said nothing.
I needed those months - because I did not understand alcoholism. My perception of it was nothing more than what I had read or perhaps caught on TV. The denial of the disease was the hardest for me to accept. It was INFURIATING to be lied to especially when he reeked of minty booze, was clearly drunk and would stand there and tell me he just gargled with listerine and was just sleepy. Ugghh I feel my blood pressure raising just thinking about it.
Until you really understand what you are dealing with it will be hard for you to know how to proceed so I strongly recommend reading as much on here as you can, posting often and going to Al Anon.
Sorry this is happening it is a terrible situation - please protect yourself while dealing with it - easy to get dragged down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
Thank you for you're messages, I think the hardest thing to come to terms with is that everything seemed fine, better than fine. We've booked holidays and arranged to do so much. This has come out the blue.... what a silly thing to say- it's been a time bomb waiting to go off. I've fooled myself into creating a lovely functional relationship with a disfuctional man!!
He's a doctor for goodness sake! If anyone knows the damage he's doing its him.
I'm feeling pessimistic and hurt.
Hey ho
He's a doctor for goodness sake! If anyone knows the damage he's doing its him.
I'm feeling pessimistic and hurt.
Hey ho
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
As I said its an illogical disease. I thought if RAH relapsed it would be because something devastating happened - like a parent dying or something like that. It seemingly came out of the blue during a time when things were going well. There were red flags I ignored, and while I couldn't have stopped it I could have been prepared for myself.
What I now know is his"relapse" started a full year before he ever drank. Seems to be a common denominator that they start telling themselves that they can handle it, that this time will be "different", that they can be "social drinkers". Its called the alcoholic voice, or AV and its mighty powerful. The abstinence or sober period just gives them further reinforcement that they CAN stop. In your bf case, who was not really active in recovery rather relying on a medication, its called "white knuckling" or a "dry drunk".
Just stopping is seldom enough. Gotta get the brain on board with the body - reprogram.
What I now know is his"relapse" started a full year before he ever drank. Seems to be a common denominator that they start telling themselves that they can handle it, that this time will be "different", that they can be "social drinkers". Its called the alcoholic voice, or AV and its mighty powerful. The abstinence or sober period just gives them further reinforcement that they CAN stop. In your bf case, who was not really active in recovery rather relying on a medication, its called "white knuckling" or a "dry drunk".
Just stopping is seldom enough. Gotta get the brain on board with the body - reprogram.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You're only a year into this relationship. Think long and hard about what you want for YOU in this life. Do you want to walk around with that gnawing feeling in your gut, peeking in windows, texting and waiting for responses,listening to lies?
This is a progressive disease, he will get worse if he doesn't find true recovery. And you have no control over any of it. Taking a pill to avoid taking a drink is not recovery, that's a dry drunk....a ticking time bomb.
Sounds like you are not living together, and not financially tied to him. You're not trapped. Find AlAnon, and start going to meetings. Read all you can. Learn to detach and take care of you. Don't waste your days "hoping" for someone else's sobriety, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Live your best life....for you. Hugs....
This is a progressive disease, he will get worse if he doesn't find true recovery. And you have no control over any of it. Taking a pill to avoid taking a drink is not recovery, that's a dry drunk....a ticking time bomb.
Sounds like you are not living together, and not financially tied to him. You're not trapped. Find AlAnon, and start going to meetings. Read all you can. Learn to detach and take care of you. Don't waste your days "hoping" for someone else's sobriety, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Live your best life....for you. Hugs....
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I agree with redatlanta on this one - definitely not a logical disease, and there are plenty of well educated, smart people who fall victim to its clutches. There's the old saying that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" - this applies with planning for recovery, too. Without being active in a recovery program, is is *possible* to stay sober, but it's not probable. We can't be complacent and get comfortable and stop working on recovery (both the A's and us loved ones of A's). I liken it to someone who's worked hard to lose weight & get healthy...it's not like they can just go back to the status quo & stop exercising & stop eating right and expect to STAY healthy. Same goes for A's. They need to want and and work it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
So just a little update...
Finally saw him today. He's been on a bender since Friday. Not been to work. A total mess.
Embarrassed, guilty, sorry, emotional and self loathing... but still drinking.
I left, came back and left again. I've gone from being devastated, to gutted for him , to angry, to just plain sad.
He knows exactly what he needs to do to "get well" but he says he "just cant seem to do it".
All the wise words from you guys were running thro my head but I'm sure I still handled it badly... felt overwhelmingly sad and unable to detach. It's a nightmare.
Bad times x
Finally saw him today. He's been on a bender since Friday. Not been to work. A total mess.
Embarrassed, guilty, sorry, emotional and self loathing... but still drinking.
I left, came back and left again. I've gone from being devastated, to gutted for him , to angry, to just plain sad.
He knows exactly what he needs to do to "get well" but he says he "just cant seem to do it".
All the wise words from you guys were running thro my head but I'm sure I still handled it badly... felt overwhelmingly sad and unable to detach. It's a nightmare.
Bad times x
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
In the big picture of life this is still considered quite a new relationship. To be experiencing these problems so soon is a very big red flag. Nobody can tell you what to do or how to proceed, you already know there is a problem. You get to decide how much of yourself are you willing to invest.
IMHO, if he is "recently divorced" I am guessing he is still carrying around some baggage of his failed marriage, and probably not ready to be on the dating circuit/ or starting a new relationship. ( careful here, you never want to be the rebound person in these situations)
His current actions would leave me doubting his 10 year sobriety claim. Again those are my personal thoughts about the situation.
Should you make a clean break? Let me ask you this, do you feel you are in a mutually invested commited relationship? Your post certainly doesn't read as such, so my thoughts are you truly have nothing to loose in taking a few steps back and allowing him the dignity to address his addiction.
IMHO, if he is "recently divorced" I am guessing he is still carrying around some baggage of his failed marriage, and probably not ready to be on the dating circuit/ or starting a new relationship. ( careful here, you never want to be the rebound person in these situations)
His current actions would leave me doubting his 10 year sobriety claim. Again those are my personal thoughts about the situation.
Should you make a clean break? Let me ask you this, do you feel you are in a mutually invested commited relationship? Your post certainly doesn't read as such, so my thoughts are you truly have nothing to loose in taking a few steps back and allowing him the dignity to address his addiction.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Both alcoholics and codependents live in denial and rationalization to avoid making the big -- and often painful -- changes that could transform their lives. Have you gone to Alanon? If not I suggest starting...it's a wonderful program!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I spent the first 2 weeks crying at every AlAnon meeting, and I still have my moments to this day. The great thing about AlAnon is everyone has been in that very same emotional frame of mind. So no one thinks you're pathetic, we all see ourselves in every persons story. It's the one place where you are safe to cry, vent, rage, laugh, question, etc. You are truly with peers who respect where you are, and will keep what you do/share in that room.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
I thought I'd update you all... if you're interested?
Last Saturday he was terrified, felt that he'd completely lost control. Everything was in jepardy- his job (hadn't been for a week), his relationship with his kids (hadn't collected them), his relationship with me... He couldn't see an end to this 8 day binge.
I suggested he ring his AA sponsor who he hadn't seen in ages as his recovery hadn't been maintained. He gave me his number so I rang him.
What an amazing guy. He in turn contacted a guy who runs a recovery programme and knows my BF well. They've become involved, supported him and me. My BF has opened up, been honest about his illness, told work the truth (who are gonna support him) and he's let his family know about the relapse.
I feel as if everything is out in the open, the people who need to know do, I feel like he has reached out for help and is on board with this recovery programme and he is giving his all...... long may it last.
I pray he sustains this, I will support him as long as I see 100% effort from him. But I feel supported now. I have had calls from these 2 amazing people who have years of experience and I'm in touch with my BF's family (they live miles away). I've been to Al-Anon too. I feel hopeful but not in a pink fluffy way.
One day at a time eh?
xx
Last Saturday he was terrified, felt that he'd completely lost control. Everything was in jepardy- his job (hadn't been for a week), his relationship with his kids (hadn't collected them), his relationship with me... He couldn't see an end to this 8 day binge.
I suggested he ring his AA sponsor who he hadn't seen in ages as his recovery hadn't been maintained. He gave me his number so I rang him.
What an amazing guy. He in turn contacted a guy who runs a recovery programme and knows my BF well. They've become involved, supported him and me. My BF has opened up, been honest about his illness, told work the truth (who are gonna support him) and he's let his family know about the relapse.
I feel as if everything is out in the open, the people who need to know do, I feel like he has reached out for help and is on board with this recovery programme and he is giving his all...... long may it last.
I pray he sustains this, I will support him as long as I see 100% effort from him. But I feel supported now. I have had calls from these 2 amazing people who have years of experience and I'm in touch with my BF's family (they live miles away). I've been to Al-Anon too. I feel hopeful but not in a pink fluffy way.
One day at a time eh?
xx
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Wellington-I was a lot like you-similar situation. I left my ABF after a year and half 3 months ago. best decision I ever made. My life is so much calmer and I am so much happier. You deserve more than this...let yourself see it.
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