Fooling Myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Fooling Myself.
So today's drunken event has really upset me and made me realise what a fool i truly am, to myself and no one else.
he went to get something from the shop, 3 hours later wasnt home, when he finally answered his phone he was in the pub, very drunk. i convinced him to come home, more worried some one we know may see him.
on trying to come home he fell off his bike. head first into a lampost and knocked his self out whilst talking on the phone to me, some random stranger told me where he was, and when i got there he had blood pouring from him, a massive crowd around him, and people asking me 'if he drinks a lot' as they had seen him earlier in a similar state. i watched him laid there with people cooing over him, no-one knew if he was conscious or not, and for a while it was scary. the ambulance came and took him to hospital - i joined him there. 6 hours later were home, and he is still drunk but sleeping now. Stitches and gluing to the head. he cant make work tomorrow as he is concust.
and all my weekend is gone. i have no one to talk to and no one to share this pain with, i cant fool myself any longer, yes he may be managing it, but it was only 9 weeks since he went missing for 3 days at christmas. This cant be good for me, and looking at him right now i just feel hate for him, and tears for myself.
i dont know why i have no self respect and no self worth, but the time has come, surely im worth much more than this life?
he went to get something from the shop, 3 hours later wasnt home, when he finally answered his phone he was in the pub, very drunk. i convinced him to come home, more worried some one we know may see him.
on trying to come home he fell off his bike. head first into a lampost and knocked his self out whilst talking on the phone to me, some random stranger told me where he was, and when i got there he had blood pouring from him, a massive crowd around him, and people asking me 'if he drinks a lot' as they had seen him earlier in a similar state. i watched him laid there with people cooing over him, no-one knew if he was conscious or not, and for a while it was scary. the ambulance came and took him to hospital - i joined him there. 6 hours later were home, and he is still drunk but sleeping now. Stitches and gluing to the head. he cant make work tomorrow as he is concust.
and all my weekend is gone. i have no one to talk to and no one to share this pain with, i cant fool myself any longer, yes he may be managing it, but it was only 9 weeks since he went missing for 3 days at christmas. This cant be good for me, and looking at him right now i just feel hate for him, and tears for myself.
i dont know why i have no self respect and no self worth, but the time has come, surely im worth much more than this life?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yes dear one, there IS much more to life FOR YOU.
nothing you described sounds like someone who is MANAGING anything. except to drunk out of his head. while that be HIS reality, it does not have to be yours.
we're here for you, you are not alone.
nothing you described sounds like someone who is MANAGING anything. except to drunk out of his head. while that be HIS reality, it does not have to be yours.
we're here for you, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Feeling your pain - so sorry to hear you are going through this, it does not have to be so lonely. I would suggest you go to Al-Anon. It certainly helped me. Keep posting - you're in the right place now - By coming here - you have started helping yourself ((Hugs))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear sacra1, it sounds as if he is progressing down the road of alcoholism. It is a progressive disease and does become worse in spite of the most strenuous efforts of the alcoholic to try to "control" it.
Complete abstainence is the only thing that can arrest this progression. Of course, this is the last thing the alcoholic wants to do---so they will cling to the denial of the problem as long as possible.
He is drinking because he Can't stop---until or unless he decides that he wants to be completely sober. There is no such thing as controlled drinking for the alcoholic.
Of course, you deserve more--so does he--but he does not realize this.
You are the only one that can take care of yourself---you certainly can't expect him to.
You have recieved some very good advice in regard to this in your previous posts. Please take this to heart. You were not put on this earth to lie in misery.
Most everyone on this forum has been where you are--at one time or another. But it doesn't have to stay like this. Peace of m ind and a bright future is completely possible for you.
sincerely, dandylion
Complete abstainence is the only thing that can arrest this progression. Of course, this is the last thing the alcoholic wants to do---so they will cling to the denial of the problem as long as possible.
He is drinking because he Can't stop---until or unless he decides that he wants to be completely sober. There is no such thing as controlled drinking for the alcoholic.
Of course, you deserve more--so does he--but he does not realize this.
You are the only one that can take care of yourself---you certainly can't expect him to.
You have recieved some very good advice in regard to this in your previous posts. Please take this to heart. You were not put on this earth to lie in misery.
Most everyone on this forum has been where you are--at one time or another. But it doesn't have to stay like this. Peace of m ind and a bright future is completely possible for you.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
His path does not need to be your path. This is a progressive disease, and it will most definitely get worse for him. Let people notice, don't rush in to save the situation. It is his choice, and his consequences. You have no control over that. What do you want for YOUR life? Find a local AlAnon meeting, and start working on you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Sounds very painful for you and he is the one with the head in pain. Really there is only so much you can do, it is up to him to stop. Take a deep breath and think with your head and let your heart rest for a day or two. Alanon would be a great place to help you get started to what you want. Take care of yourself, get some rest tonight and tomorrow is another day to see things as they are. I wish you the best.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello scacra1,I hope you have been able to get some rest!
I hope you will come to know that you are worth so much more!
I hope that you realize your happiness is important, too!
Please know we are here, anytime you need to vent or cry or talk it out.
Sending hugs!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I dont know why i have no self respect and no self worth, but the time has come, surely im worth much more than this life? [/QUOTE]
The stickies make it clear that not everyone is ready to take action at the same time, but does the last sentence of your post means that you are getting to that point? And YES you are worth so much more. Don't get the way he's treating you mixed up with your true qualities.
If you are ready to take some small steps, maybe you could contact a domestic abuse agency that could start you off? And you have a support network in place. Just baby steps to start with.
All the best, I'm sure you have the strength to get through this.
[/QUOTE]The stickies make it clear that not everyone is ready to take action at the same time, but does the last sentence of your post means that you are getting to that point? And YES you are worth so much more. Don't get the way he's treating you mixed up with your true qualities.
If you are ready to take some small steps, maybe you could contact a domestic abuse agency that could start you off? And you have a support network in place. Just baby steps to start with.
All the best, I'm sure you have the strength to get through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes you are worth more than this. This is garbage. It will always be this way cause he is just doing what addicts do which is to destroy themselves and everything and everyone in their path.
Have you tried Al Anon?
Have you tried Al Anon?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
@scacra1: You are definitely worth more and deserve so much more than this... I agree 100% with Recovering2: "His path does not need to be your path." None of us can compel another person to change, least of all an alcoholic or drug addict. It is totally up to them to quit abusing alcohol/drugs. Only our individual life is within our control. If we seek peace of mind, tranquility, happiness and more, we have to create it for ourselves. I hope you find the strength to leave a situation that seems to bring you nothing but pain and sorrow. I'm wishing you all the best!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Yes yes yes, you are worth more than this, and you deserve to be happy. Living as the caretaker for an A is not truly living. It took me a LONG time to learn this, and still trying to get the lesson down now that my husband is in recovery. I lost so much of myself in the process, and I'm just starting to find ME again.
And he may be "managing" by surviving each day so far, but that's far from managing his life and managing his alcoholism. Maybe he still has a job, maybe his friends and family don't know...but if he continues down this road without seeking recovery, he can quickly go from "managing" to spiraling further out of control.
I can't tell you what to do, but I do suggest that you keep reaching out for support, go to Al Anon or Smart Recovery or other support groups (online or on the phone or in person), keep posting here, and remember that you were not put here on this planet to be his caretaker.
Sending you strength & hugs.
And he may be "managing" by surviving each day so far, but that's far from managing his life and managing his alcoholism. Maybe he still has a job, maybe his friends and family don't know...but if he continues down this road without seeking recovery, he can quickly go from "managing" to spiraling further out of control.
I can't tell you what to do, but I do suggest that you keep reaching out for support, go to Al Anon or Smart Recovery or other support groups (online or on the phone or in person), keep posting here, and remember that you were not put here on this planet to be his caretaker.
Sending you strength & hugs.
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