123abc

Hi, I am new to this forum and not sure how it works but will post and hope. My younger brother is 34 and an alcoholic, he knows this and so does everyone around him. We have all tried for many years to get him to get help, which he has refused, until last year, when he finally admitted that he had a problem. He began to attend an outpatient centre but after a few weeks he said they told him he was managing fine and he didn't need to come back. I am not sure how much I believe but I as the case worker won't discuss it with me, I have no other choice. He was sober for about six weeks and then went back to drinking heavily. Since then he has been dry for a few weeks and then back on the drink. The longest he has done is eight weeks. But he seems to be in denial of his admission that there is a problem. If I speak to him when he has been dry for a few weeks he says he knows he needs help. The other problem is he is really shy and introverted, it has always been a problem for him. He struggles to talk about how he is feeling and seems so frustrated. Today I had to go and find him in a pub and take him home. He still lives with my parents, who find it really upsetting, as we all do. I really don't know what to do and I am so worried he is going end up in hospital or worse. It is just so sad.

deeker

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for him. He has to decide for himself if he is done and wants to stop for good. Until then nothing you can say or do will change.

Al-anon is a great support group for you and your parents, if it were me I would definitely check out a meeting ASAP, so you and folks can learn how to not let your brothers behavior consume your thoughts. You have to let him hit bottom whatever that bottom is unfortunately.

Mine was jails, institutions and finally a suicide attempt. But it was the suicide attempt that finally brought me to a decision. Hopefully it won't get to that point for your bro, but Al anon will help you to learn how to cope and how not to continually enable him.

The sooner he faces consequenses whatever those consequenses are the sooner he will get to his bottom. It is different for all people. It took years for me to hit bottom cuz my family didn't even realize they were enabling me. Co-signing my bull sheet. I wish you the best!

123abc

Thank you for your response. It is hard to read but I know it is true. I appreciate your advice. x

LexieCat

Yeah, SURE they did.

Part of the problem is that your parents are enabling him by giving him a roof over his head. Does he work? Why is he living at home?

There isn't much anyone can do FOR him until he is ready to accept help. But he isn't likely to be motivated to do that as long as he is being provided for. Family members mean well when they protect the alcoholic, but it can actually contribute to their denial and their unwillingness to take care of themselves.

You and your family would benefit greatly from Al-Anon, I think.

123abc

He does hold down a full time job and he still lives at home because he hasn't got any money for a place of his own. My parents won't kick him out as they think it will make matters worse and it is hard to get through to them. He did move out for six months but his landlord sold the flat he was sharing and he had nowhere else to go. I didn't believe what he said about the outpatient centre, he all of a sudden did this massive u-turn on his admission that he needed help. It was like it scared the hell out of him.

LexieCat

Kicking him out may make matters worse in the short term (i.e., he may drink more, may wind up in a homeless shelter, may lose his job), but it is those kinds of consequences that lead many alcoholics to finally face what a mess their lives have become. I know guys that literally lived in a cardboard box for a while, and then finally sought recovery.

As long as everyone is protecting him by giving him a place to live, sending someone to the pub to bring him home, he probably feels things are not so bad. Your family's decision to STOP protecting him from the consequences of his own behavior could save his life.

Please consider going to Al-Anon, and see if you can get your parents to go, too. I don't know how old your folks are, but their retirement years can be hell if they are still living with your brother in a few years, during which time his drinking is likely to become much worse.

123abc

I am definitely going to get in touch with AA and talk to my parents about coming along. They have just reached retirement age but my dad has not worked for many years due to a stroke ten years ago. Your words are helping me to understand, thank you all so much. x

LexieCat

Just to be clear, AA is for alcoholics, and Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics.

Good luck--I found Al-Anon to be a lifeline for me when I had loved ones suffering from alcoholism. The craziness that goes along with having someone close to you who is an alcoholic tends to make us a little bit sick, ourselves. Al-Anon is often a big relief because you can meet with others dealing with the same situation and work for a common solution to make your own lives better, whether the alcoholic gets better or not.

Recovering2

I have the same situation as you. My 49yo brother is an A, and he still lives with my parents. My folks have spent their life holding the safety net under my brother. As a result, he never hits "his" bottom. And they never got to enjoy their senior years.

It is a progressive disease, and your brother will get worse if he isn't force to face the natural consequences of his choices. My brother has had several stints in the ICU, and can no longer keep a job. The problem is, there is NOTHING we can do to make them stop. It has to be their decision. I learned that it was important to allow my brother, and my parents, to make their own choices. It was a heartbreaking realization for me initially, I wanted to save them all. But the only person I can save is me. So with the help of AlAnon, I detached from the whole situation.

My parents wouldn't go to AlAnon, they can not talk about it. Again, very sad for me to accept. I don't spend a lot of time at their house, I don't ask about what's happening with my brother. I did tell my parents that I had to step back for my own health.

Learn the 3 C's. We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Also...Nothing changes if Nothing changes. Go to AlAnon. Read "The Language of Letting Go" and "Codependent No More" both by Melody Beattie. Stop going to the pub to get him.

It's been about 4 years since I detached from my brother's situation, and it was the right decision for me. I have peace about it. When I see my parents, I am able to focus on other things and enjoy my time with them. I leave my brother in God's hands.

I wish you the very best.

Justfor1

[QUOTE=LexieCat;3843339]Kicking him out may make matters worse in the short term (i.e., he may drink more, may wind up in a homeless shelter, may lose his job), but it is those kinds of consequences that lead many alcoholics to finally face what a mess their lives have become. I know guys that literally lived in a cardboard box for a while, and then finally sought recovery.

Why would anyone want to get sober while living in a cardboard box?? When I stayed at a shelter I had to get drunk to deal with the people living there. Many folks don't "hit bottom" being homeless.

LexieCat

[QUOTE=Justfor1;3844164] But many do. I know several, as a matter of fact. LOL, I know one guy who was living in his car, part of which he had started to "rent" to other homeless people.

123abc

Thank you all for your posts. I have found an Al-anon meeting just down the road on Tuesday evening and I am going to go along. I will keep you updated. Thanks again, it has really helped. xx