workingonme11

He would write letters in the beginning of the program...nearly every single day. Then he moved into a new phase of the program and said that more was expected of him so he couldn't write me anymore. By that time, he would call me each night (im thinking now, why would he call me if he didn't have to.if he didn't care??)
Then he got his cellphone and would sneak around (they were a bigtime nono) and text me throughout everyday, even call me once a day at least.....
To me those things are actions. Arent they? It wasnt like I was txting him and calling him with no response....actually he would text me first thing every morning (on his own) "hello darling....I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you so much.." or along those lines...seemingly very loving and attentive....regualrly. Throughout each day....By January it became very inconsistant; he said again "im doing my best but Im in a REHAB"...By February, he was becoming increasingly annoyed at every little thing, had enormous underlying anger that would bust open with full on combative behavior, arguing. Many of it would stem from me finding out things he obviously didn't want me to and was VERY angry about once I did. EXAMPLE: I found out about his every other wknd visits to his mothers house (only 10 min from me) since December! What are you doing this wknd?, Id ask him..."nothing. just hanging around SA. Have some work to do, maybe rest/relax....so..." Meanwhile he was really going to his parents house and totally avoiding me. I mean the messed up part is that I didnt even care..but why not mention it, hide it and lie about it for months? My answer to that I guess needs to be...because he is an addict....thats why.
Nothing was consistant; but I always attributed to the fact that he was, after all, in a rehab....I mean..... he had WORK to do, right? Ughhhh.....

Im just laying out what my experience has been.....that's all. It's confusing and hurtful that I dont know which way is up right now in reality....

Even now, as he has become so enmeshed inside the Salvation Army...calling the addicts that used to be his rehab addict peers in the kitchen, "morons" because they are making his life harder with his new job as the PAID Kitchen Mgr......He didn't seem to see himself as an addict, I think he saw himself even in the beginning as "I know this guy and this guy from the last time I was here in rehab" or "when I get into the kitchen, I will be in a better position to (whatever)" I realize that he was using his abilities as a professional chef and being great at that to manipulate and gain some type of leverage for good graces, privileges, etc. Which he absolutely got and took advantage of.
I don't think he ever saw himself as a beneficiary of the rehab program; but someone that was just getting into a position that would allow him to get exactly what he wanted. A paying position with benefits, free private efficiancy room with his own bathroom, tv etc...AND surrounded by addicts where he can appear to be an extremely healthy in comparison to the "unfortunate, uneducated and hopeless" that he is now a supervisor of. (shaking his head in disgust)....
He is clearly on a power trip right now. "Look at me. Look UP to me. I kicked heroin and now alcohol! I have done so amazing in my recovery, they have rewarded me."
With that type of sense of belonging and inclusiveness this must provide for an amazing high; Im sure. He will be on this ride for quite a while.

On the other hand....I keep revisiting that although I have my own issues; I can't help but wonder if maybe I am just hurt.
Maybe he is this super recovering, awesome responsible, stand up guy who just happened to have a blip on his recovery radar.....and he is in ACTIVE recovery. All signs on the superficial says ABSOLUTELY!! Most people are saying though "just becasue that's what it LOOKS like doesn't mean that's whats going on"
(I mean lets be honest....I clearly have no grasp on what is reality regarding him at all, so....)
With all this: still lying, manipulating, avoiding, beliegerent, zero gratitude, being combative all make me think that hmmmm.....this is not what someone in ACTIVE recovery is supposed to look like......

At this point although I cant depersonalize it...lets just use him as an example of someone at this point in recovery (abstinence).....I know each persons addiction and recovery are all different; what are the chances of someone with his history (upwards of 15 rehabs, bipolar disorder voluntarity unmedicated and THIS TYPE OF CURRENT BEHAVIOR)......have in this attempt at being successful in recovery?

Or maybe I am just a loser that he saw me as; because of my weak boundaries and undignified behavior in the end? He was so disgusted and now? Im the assh*** unhealthy, partner just getting in the way of his TRUE recovery?

workingonme11

Forget that last pathetic part I wrote about me being a loser...maybe he is just an inconsiderate selfish jerk......because after all this time..if the jig is up...and you have to do it like this?? Come on......Ughhh. Honestly I just want to get reallly angry and get out of this hurt.....

LexieCat

Let go. Let go or be dragged.

fourmaggie

r u in a 12 step program (ie: Al anon)...?

u are a CARETAKER...and u have taken that role on yourself "to change him"..its ok, we have all been there and dragged....

u have alot of good points from alot of us longtime recovery posters here...
really search within yourself and ask those hard questions...

i can see one of those guys coming a mile away...and i RUN...not doing that again..Yep, been there and done that...

make life simple---FOR YOU..
let him work HIS life and you work yours

Recovering2

So he disobeys the rules about cell phones while in treatment. Yes, that is "action" but not the kind you want. He is showing disrespect for they program, breaking the rule that is in place for a very good reason. His talking to you was just a way to keep you hanging on...and he knew it. And it worked.
He refers to his peers as "morons"? Wow. How disrespectful and ignorant is THAT? He is unable to see that he is one of them. Doens't get the concept of service to others.

I hear over and over again on here...when an addicted asshat gets sober....you now have a sober asshat. This guy sounds like a perfect example of that. Maybe he's sober for now, but he's not a nice person.

You can analyze this to your last dying breath. It isn't going to change. It doesn't matter why/how/when/where. It is what it is. As Lexie said, let GO or be dragged. Try to spend one day talking about only you. What you are doing for yourself that day, what you want from your life moving forward in a relationship. You. You. You.

fluffyflea

My GOD! Unmedicated Bi-Polar Disorder! Heroin Addict! Alcoholic! Fresh into recovery for the 16th time? And you are questioning and trying to figure out his behaviour AND blaming yourself. Do Yourself a favour and get the h#ll away from him. You will go crazy if you don,t.

cerene

Fourmaggie: i can see one of those guys coming a mile away...and i RUN...not doing that again..Yep, been there and done that...

LOL. Smart woman.

WOM: No, words are not actions. I don't think you understand how much treatment sucks. Seriously. I went a few times. Let me tell you: Your alcohol/drugs are gone. You don't trust anybody.You don't know what your future holds. Part of you wants to be there and part of you wants to bail. Having someone on the other side of that phone makes it bearable. They sooth your fears. They encourage you. They show you love. They boost your ego. They're your connection to the outside world. Especially if you're broke and they're sending money. Then you REALLY love them and want to make it work. Your biggest fear is that they're going to abandon you and you'll have no one. Even if you met the person 1 week before treatment, you're going to act like you're deeply in love and want to be with them. It's all part of the game.

Your boyfriend was just using words to ensure you didn't abandon him. It was never about you. If it was about you, he would have told you to go on with your life and when he had something to offer you, he'd reconnect. That's what true love does. But most A have true love for themselves only. Not saying that an A can't love, cause he can, but he loves himself more than anyone - except maybe the kids cause they're part of him - and he loves you because you love him and support him. It's ALWAYS out of self-interest.

I suggest you visit the Friends and Family of Addicts Board. They have some great stickies that would help you alot, including one written by an addict called What Addicts Do.

LadySage

I would look at the experience as a blessing...now you know what to look for! and avoid! The biggest gift my STBXAH gave me was a lesson about myself, that I also require active recovery just as much as he.

The fact that I tolerated what I did means that I have issues and that recovery isn't just getting rid of the addict any more than it is just getting rid of the bottle.

I hope that you let him go (and be GLAD he is gone, you CAN do WAY BETTER) and take the gift of knowledge and insight forward into your own recovery.

-From a fellow ACOA

AnvilheadII

what are the chances of someone with his history (upwards of 15 rehabs, bipolar disorder voluntarity unmedicated and THIS TYPE OF CURRENT BEHAVIOR)......have in this attempt at being successful in recovery?

what do YOU define as SUCCESSFUL in recovery? it seems you want him to be SOMEONE ELSE. he is who he is. this is what you get. there's a better chance of him changing species than magically transforming into the man you want him to be.

I suggest you take the focus off of him....and on to you. what prompted you to pick THIS guy - with his resume of mental health issues, addiction, multiple failed rehab trips. and now that he is withdrawing attention, you've become even more fixated. dissecting his every move and action is getting you nowhere.

workingonme11

I wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to this thread.
I am officially in the anger stage of this process and it is so far the most productive and filled with the most clarity yet....
It wont be long throughout this grieving process that I will pick myself back hp and put the energy I was using to deal with the pain into moving myself forward for something actually worth my time, heart and life..... <3

workingonme11

Myself and my own family <3

Redvelvetcake59

I have only experienced this issue once and I was glad that I thought about it before I leaped. I was asked to attend some event with a lot of stuck up business people in some rich area that I never would have been in with my income. Anyway while there, a girlfriend of mine introduced me to the best looking older man I had ever seen in my entire life. I am sure he was dressed in all Armani everything. But to make this story short, we did all the stuff that new folks like to do when they first meet each other and talking was done for a long time during the event. You can learn a lot from talking to people. Anyway he seemed too perfect, too good of a job, too good looking and dressed too well and he would have been perfect except when I asked what line of work he was in and how long had he been working, he told me that he had only been on the good job for under a year because he was an addict for a long time and had been out of recovery for one year. No judgements people....but it scares me to death to even think of getting involved with a long term hard core drug user who has only been out of recovery for under a year. That relapse issue is frightening. And I am pretty sure that the time for waiting to get in a relationship is a lot longer than under a year. Am I right or am I mistaken?

workingonme11

I just wanted to clarify that we were in a relationship since last feb/march,.so this whole time Im thinking this is "just a part of our journey....tough times and all" I didnt think this was a fling or that i was being used....I was under the impression it was something different. *shrugs*

stella27

working, I have a theory (that I'm still developing), and it is that MARRIAGE is the relationship that is a journey where you have promised to stay together during tough times and all.

For *ME*, if a love affair is a journey with tough times, I should look for something that isn't as much of a project.

cerene

You're right. Bravo for not risking your future on a man.

cerene

WOM, you knew in the beginning of the relationship that he was a mess. The question is why did you hop on someone else's train wreck? My answer is usually "cause I thought I could help and then he would love me forever." Women who have good self-esteem and understand their self-worth don't need to buy a man, help a man, or manipulate a man into loving them. They know they're a prize and they're looking for a man worthy of the honor of dating them.

That's what RedVelvet did. He wasn't worthy and she wasn't risking it. It's taken me this long to realize that it doesn't matter how shiny the package is, if the product is crap. Only God and that person can fix brokenness. Run away, run away, run away.

fluffyflea

Okay so if you were in a relationship since last February,March you should still be in the honeymoon phase not in this struggle.

workingonme11

No offense cerene.....but how dare you. Dont judge my struggle.....and it is in fact a struggle....
You do a whole bunch of soapbox talk regardless of if you have been there done that.....
I shouldnt feel judged because thats exactly what you're doing.....
Maybe read the post that was just put up in FF of Addicts re: being sensitive to new members...
Ive been reading a whole lot of your responses to other threads and they pretty much have been terribly harsh and filled with judgement and self righteous banter...
It certainly behooves everyone to be respectful and EMPATHETIC in each of our journeys.....

stella27

I really liked what Cerene said about how a healthy person knows that he or she is the prize and doesn't settle for someone who doesn't treat her that way.

That is true of me now. I lived with thinking HE was the prize for far too long.

fluffyflea

She,s not judging,she,s bringing up a point,why do we think they are the prize and think so little of ourselves........
/