paula a.

My husband is I guess what you would call a functional A. He has a good job, and he rarely takes time off because of alcohol. The thing is that he gets 15 days off a month (it's a 12 hour swing shift) and about thirteen of those fifteen days are spent drunk. He is incapable of having one or two drinks. If he has one he will have twenty and he refuses to eat if he's drinking (that's just stupid, why ruin a good buzz?). He goes from happy drunk to mean and nasty in 0.2 seconds and while he can't remember sh*t when he wakes up the next afternoon he does remember that he was mad when he passed out and holds a grudge for eternity. Without really realizing it (maybe because I didn't have a name for it until I came to SR) I have been detaching when he comes home like this. Basically refusing to let him suck me into an argument, staying completely level no matter what he says or how he acts and then the next day, while I am admittedly quiet, I try to at least stay pleasant and not say a word about his drinking. This has been working pretty well for me.
A few weeks ago he was out with friends and I actually stopped at the bar with him so I could grab something to eat ( I do this quite a bit, but I refuse to stay and watch him drink) I was in the back of the bar and he was up front with his drunk buddies. When I walked up front to tell him I was taking off, he was gone. Some other guys told me that he gave his friend a ride home. (My H does not have his drivers liscence as a result of his THIRD dui) I have never seen him drive when he was revoked so I always felt safe in the knowledge that he wasn't that stupid. Wrong! Needless to say I was furious. He came back in all smiles and drunkeness and I asked him if he just drove, "well yeah, I guess I did". Okay fine I'm going home. "can I come with you"? I no longer care what you do. He came home with me trying to explain his actions, to which I responded "there is no explanation and I WILL NOT discuss this with you right now, do us both a favor and go to bed". Suprisingly enough he did just that. The next day of course I blew up and told him that while it really sucks that he doesn't care what happens to us (me and the kids) when he gets caught pulling this crap, it's even worse that he doesn't care enough about himself to not do these things. He will go directly to the D.O.C. for at least three years if he gets caught drinking and driving again. Needless to say I got the whole I'm an idiot, it won't happen again, I will be better speech, and that was the end of it.
Well here we are on his next set of days off. Tuesday night he comes rolling in about midnight with friends, doing their level best to wake up the entire house. They finally left around 1:30 and then he started in on me. "How about sex?" he says. "Nope, I'm going to sleep, I have to be up with the kids at 5:30". Needless to say it turned into the "you are such a hateful b*tch and you wonder why I want to punch you in the head all of the time" fight. I tried to walk away, I tried to not respond, but he physically sat on me and got two inches from my face and refused to move until I told him what my problem was. (Scared the livin' sh*t out of me.) So I told him I was sick of his drinking and I would not have sex with him while he was drunk, period. (It was a much longer and more carefully thought out conversation, but I know you have all had the same talk and know what it entailed.) His response at first was, with tears "I can't admit I have a problem, or I'll never get a liscense again" and in the next breath it was "I don't have a problem you do, and you can blame it on my drinking if you want, but I think it's something else" and he stomped up the stairs to bed. Five minutes later he was back apologizing, asking me to please just come up and sleep next to him. I did, in the interest of getting any kind of sleep. His last words before passing out were, "I love you and the kids, I am going to try to be better."
He got up yesterday and went with a friend to fix fences and work cattle. (He was quite hung over, and I have to admit my mean side was getting a small bit of enjoyment out of it!) Anyway I get a phone call at 9:00 last night, "will you come get me?" Drunk AGAIN!! Same crap as the night before, only a much shorter version.
I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to leave, and I don't know if I know how to stay. Help!
Sorry this got so long, but I really needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening everyone.

Paula

Gabe

Hey Paula,
Vent away, that's what we're here for. This place is chock full of people who understand what you're going through because they have gone through similar things.
I'm not going to suggest what you should do about your marriage. That is up to you. I am going to tell you that if he's getting physically violent, you need to get away from him.
Please put your safety first.
Hugs,
Gabe

Lorelai

Hi Paula -
Glad you're here. This place has helped me a lot.

I don't know how long you've been married but, for what it's worth, my AH has been telling me that he will "do better" and that "drinking is not the problem" for 15 years.
He even drove (with a suspended license) to the jail for his work release jail time after his third DWI.

The only thing that has ever helped is for me to concentrate on me. I can't control anything he does but I can take responsbility for me and my happiness. It is sometimes hard but very much worth it. Keep coming back - the people on this board are wise and wonderful !
L

Grace

I feel for you and I understand your pain. I live with my A boyfriend. Often when he has too much to drink, 99% of the time, he starts picking and wants desperately to fight with me. They've taught me on here that it is because he wants to relieve his own guilt for being such a pr**k. They call it "transference". He may be saying cruel things to you, but he's really talking about himself. His put downs serve a purpose. It makes you feel down and insecure, and it makes him feel better than you. IMO it is their way of bringing you down to their level and keeping you under control.

Take care of yourself AND your kids!
Grace

paula a.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. We will be married nine years in Oct. I have a lovely scar across the bridge of my nose from a meeting of the minds we had about three years ago, and that is the last time he has been physically violent with me, until the other night, and he didn't lay a hand on me he was just very intimidating. He knows if he touches me like that again I will be gone and he will get no more chances. So I know that somewhere in his bouts of drunken stupidity he has some restraint. That probably doesn't make it any safer for me here, does it? I think I will point out to him that he is getting a little scary again, and see if that will at least get him to get a hold of his temper a bit. He is such a different person when he's sober, and has about fifty different personas when he is drunk. Ahhhh, but you all know all about that too, huh? Thanks again everyone, I feel a lot better just being able to get it all off my chest.
Paula

Daffodil

(((Paula)))

You are right we do understand because we too have been where you are.

Please take a read around this forum, especially the sticky post by smoke gets in my eyes at the top.

I have to remind you that alcoholism is progressive! Where he has been violent in the past and continues to drink chances are he will in the future. Him sitting on you, controlling your choices, such as making you sleep where you didn't want to, Are all abusive! Please consider having a plan of retreat from him if in the future you feel uncertain about his rage.

Keep coming back so we can get to know each other.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

paula a.

Daffodil,
Thanks. You are all so wonderful here. I do have three or four safe places to go if need be and 911 is on my cell phone speed dial (which is in my pocket on nights he is out). Although it's been awhile, I know if he doesn't stop drinking, things will turn to violence again, so I am as prepared as I can be. I pray daily for something to open his eyes, but I fear he is the kind of A who will have to have a major tragedy happen before he hits bottom. It is all so sad! Again thanks for the caring and concern...I am off to read the sticky post!
Paula