Tatertot Update... and needing some opinions...
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Tatertot Update... and needing some opinions...
Hello Everyone!
I know it's been a while since I've posted... but so many things have happened in my life recently it's hard to know where to begin...
My SO and I (he's an RA/A who will be 4 years clean/sober on May 4th) have been dating for over 2 and a half years. He is still actively involved in the recovery program at the place where we met. He works there and is very involved as an alumni memeber who helps newcomers. Nothing has changed in that regard.
And as far as our relationship goes, it's still the happiest, most satisfying, and most importantly most honest relationship I've ever been in. I know I truly love this man and he truly loves me... he has proven it over and over again, not only in words but in actions...
So what's the problem? Well... I'm kind of scared to take the next step... we have spoken openly and honestly about where we want this relationship to go (remember he is almost 21 years older than me... I'm 36 and he is 56), and we both would like to move in together this summer and then get married sometime next year.
But I'm still scared... for many numbers of reasons... maybe the biggest (and most selfish) one is that I'm scared of change... I'm a slow mover... especially in relationships... I like my own space... I like my own place. I like having that bit of separation every now and then. BUT I realize that if a relationship is to move forward then this change is inevitable. He will have to move in with me as I own my place and he is just renting... but I still only have a one bedroom apartment... However we both agree that the activities in our lives shouldn't change.. we are both busy (independently) most nights of the week, the only change would be that we end up in the same bed every night instead of only 3-4 nights a week...
Of course another reason I'm hesitant (not scared, but I'd be an idiot if I didn't at least think about these things) is of course his recovery. He would be moving away from a support system that right now is only steps away from his door... he currently lives in a "dry" apartment complex and of course mine is not. I don't drink so it's not like I have open bottles of booze laying around (but I do have a nice collection of wine that I have saved from when I was working in the vineyards...but of course I never open any of the bottles). I'm not worried that he will relapse, I'm positive he won't... but I can't help but wonder if going from a "safe" lifestyle to a "normal" one (where "big brother" isn't constantly watching over your shoulder) might trigger some sort of "well now that I'm part of 'normal' society again, I should be able to have a few 'normal' drinks every now and then" thoughts. I actually HAVE talked to him about these concerns and he tells me I'm being silly.. that he knows this was his last chance to save his life and that he knows this time he quit for good. There's no going back. It's not an option in his life anymore (his words).
So that's good... really his recovery is the least of my hesitations... it's in his control and I know he's got a good solid handle on it. I have not spent more than a second worrying about his recovery in the 2 and a half years we've been together, so why start now???
It's still my selfish reasons that have me more concerned. As mentioned I am 36 and as of yet I have no children (neither does he). This concerns me a little... I am not someone who has wanted children her whole life, but I've never NOT wanted them either... I always thought it would just "happen" with the right man. But now that I've found the "right man", it turns out he cannot have any children (extremely low sperm count). And I hate to admit, but I feel like if we move in together I am cementing my future without kids. Again we have talked about it, and he has even gone for fertility testing over this past year, and he has said he doesn't want to deny me the opportunity to have kids so he would do it for me (either in vitro or adopt), but by the same token he has said a few times to me that he is past the point in his life where he wants kids... he has settled into his life and doesn't want to "upset the balance" by suddenly having kids in his late 50's. I also realize that's not really fair of me to ask him to do this...
So I guess I'm just looking for a little feedback... what would you guys do in my situation???
We have such a fantastic relationship and I couldn't imagine anyone ever loving me more than he does... but being with the love of my life almost certainly means I will never have children...
I know it's been a while since I've posted... but so many things have happened in my life recently it's hard to know where to begin...
My SO and I (he's an RA/A who will be 4 years clean/sober on May 4th) have been dating for over 2 and a half years. He is still actively involved in the recovery program at the place where we met. He works there and is very involved as an alumni memeber who helps newcomers. Nothing has changed in that regard.
And as far as our relationship goes, it's still the happiest, most satisfying, and most importantly most honest relationship I've ever been in. I know I truly love this man and he truly loves me... he has proven it over and over again, not only in words but in actions...
So what's the problem? Well... I'm kind of scared to take the next step... we have spoken openly and honestly about where we want this relationship to go (remember he is almost 21 years older than me... I'm 36 and he is 56), and we both would like to move in together this summer and then get married sometime next year.
But I'm still scared... for many numbers of reasons... maybe the biggest (and most selfish) one is that I'm scared of change... I'm a slow mover... especially in relationships... I like my own space... I like my own place. I like having that bit of separation every now and then. BUT I realize that if a relationship is to move forward then this change is inevitable. He will have to move in with me as I own my place and he is just renting... but I still only have a one bedroom apartment... However we both agree that the activities in our lives shouldn't change.. we are both busy (independently) most nights of the week, the only change would be that we end up in the same bed every night instead of only 3-4 nights a week...
Of course another reason I'm hesitant (not scared, but I'd be an idiot if I didn't at least think about these things) is of course his recovery. He would be moving away from a support system that right now is only steps away from his door... he currently lives in a "dry" apartment complex and of course mine is not. I don't drink so it's not like I have open bottles of booze laying around (but I do have a nice collection of wine that I have saved from when I was working in the vineyards...but of course I never open any of the bottles). I'm not worried that he will relapse, I'm positive he won't... but I can't help but wonder if going from a "safe" lifestyle to a "normal" one (where "big brother" isn't constantly watching over your shoulder) might trigger some sort of "well now that I'm part of 'normal' society again, I should be able to have a few 'normal' drinks every now and then" thoughts. I actually HAVE talked to him about these concerns and he tells me I'm being silly.. that he knows this was his last chance to save his life and that he knows this time he quit for good. There's no going back. It's not an option in his life anymore (his words).
So that's good... really his recovery is the least of my hesitations... it's in his control and I know he's got a good solid handle on it. I have not spent more than a second worrying about his recovery in the 2 and a half years we've been together, so why start now???
It's still my selfish reasons that have me more concerned. As mentioned I am 36 and as of yet I have no children (neither does he). This concerns me a little... I am not someone who has wanted children her whole life, but I've never NOT wanted them either... I always thought it would just "happen" with the right man. But now that I've found the "right man", it turns out he cannot have any children (extremely low sperm count). And I hate to admit, but I feel like if we move in together I am cementing my future without kids. Again we have talked about it, and he has even gone for fertility testing over this past year, and he has said he doesn't want to deny me the opportunity to have kids so he would do it for me (either in vitro or adopt), but by the same token he has said a few times to me that he is past the point in his life where he wants kids... he has settled into his life and doesn't want to "upset the balance" by suddenly having kids in his late 50's. I also realize that's not really fair of me to ask him to do this...
So I guess I'm just looking for a little feedback... what would you guys do in my situation???
We have such a fantastic relationship and I couldn't imagine anyone ever loving me more than he does... but being with the love of my life almost certainly means I will never have children...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I wouldn't over think it , Tatertot.
How do you feel about him moving in? How do you feel about not having children? What's your gut telling you about this man and your potential for a happy, secure, healthy future?
P.S. Don't forget that you are not responsible for his sobriety. He is. Don't own that one.
How do you feel about him moving in? How do you feel about not having children? What's your gut telling you about this man and your potential for a happy, secure, healthy future?
P.S. Don't forget that you are not responsible for his sobriety. He is. Don't own that one.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've often said that to me, the ideal relationship would be where my husband and I could live in separate wings of the mansion. 
There is nothing wrong with continuing as you have, is there? I know people who have had deeply meaningful, lifelong love relationships and never moved in with their partner.
And so far as having children goes, if I had it to do over, I'm not sure I would have. I love my children very much, but I have never been a terribly maternal-type person, and I don't think I have been the greatest mom. I think I had kids because it was the thing to do, and I am not sure that is a good reason. I think people should have kids because they want them very, very much. So while I am glad my kids are in the world, and I love them and am proud of them, I sometimes feel that I short-changed them.
It doesn't sound to me like you are acting out of fear--it sounds to me like you are a woman who knows what she wants out of life and are rightly questioning whether marriage is a good idea for YOU.
There is nothing wrong with continuing as you have, is there? I know people who have had deeply meaningful, lifelong love relationships and never moved in with their partner.
And so far as having children goes, if I had it to do over, I'm not sure I would have. I love my children very much, but I have never been a terribly maternal-type person, and I don't think I have been the greatest mom. I think I had kids because it was the thing to do, and I am not sure that is a good reason. I think people should have kids because they want them very, very much. So while I am glad my kids are in the world, and I love them and am proud of them, I sometimes feel that I short-changed them.
It doesn't sound to me like you are acting out of fear--it sounds to me like you are a woman who knows what she wants out of life and are rightly questioning whether marriage is a good idea for YOU.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
It sounds like you need to take several steps back and give a lot more thought to this relationship and to moving in together.
You like your own space.
You may want to have children and he can't.
You are concerned about his recovery if he should move.
Those are big issues to look at.
You like your own space.
You may want to have children and he can't.
You are concerned about his recovery if he should move.
Those are big issues to look at.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
can't FIX it if it ain't BROKE.
what you have going right now works FOR YOU. there is no deadline on HAVING to move in together, or take it way beyond that and get married. those are BIG changes. and you are so very wise to be honest and open about YOUR concerns and how this affects YOUR life. I really commend you.
what you have going right now works FOR YOU. there is no deadline on HAVING to move in together, or take it way beyond that and get married. those are BIG changes. and you are so very wise to be honest and open about YOUR concerns and how this affects YOUR life. I really commend you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I've often said that to me, the ideal relationship would be where my husband and I could live in separate wings of the mansion.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I do have a very close girlfriend who married a guy that was 21 years older than her. They were married 21 years. They never had children.
He died about 6 months ago. (natural causes says the death certificate) She is really having a rough time. She shared with me that if she were to do it over, she would not have married him, and her reason being the last ten years of her life with him, age was catching up with him and he was simply content to stay home. He simply was aging gracefully, was always pleasant, liked to read, putz in the yard and garden, he would golf once a week, he took care of the household, as she was still working. He no longer wanted to socialize, and here she was only 50 years old, and was having difficulty embracing his natural aging process
He no longer had "that zest for life" as she referred to the situation." He became more of a loving father figure, she told me. I know she loved him dearly, but the years eventually caught up with them. Nothing wrong with this, just a simple fact of life.
As she worded it, "our age difference was never an issue, his mind and body were simply wearing out"
You just have to do what you feel is best for YOU. I can see you are seriously soul searching, take all the time you need. I have to agree with Anvil, if it's not broke , why fix it?
Peace.
He died about 6 months ago. (natural causes says the death certificate) She is really having a rough time. She shared with me that if she were to do it over, she would not have married him, and her reason being the last ten years of her life with him, age was catching up with him and he was simply content to stay home. He simply was aging gracefully, was always pleasant, liked to read, putz in the yard and garden, he would golf once a week, he took care of the household, as she was still working. He no longer wanted to socialize, and here she was only 50 years old, and was having difficulty embracing his natural aging process
He no longer had "that zest for life" as she referred to the situation." He became more of a loving father figure, she told me. I know she loved him dearly, but the years eventually caught up with them. Nothing wrong with this, just a simple fact of life.
As she worded it, "our age difference was never an issue, his mind and body were simply wearing out"
You just have to do what you feel is best for YOU. I can see you are seriously soul searching, take all the time you need. I have to agree with Anvil, if it's not broke , why fix it?
Peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I was a committed bachlorette when RAH and I moved in together - "single" as in never married for 43 years.
Because it happened so fast is probably why it happened because I didn't have time to drag my feet like I normally do.
2.5 years in now. It was a tough transition - I too like MY time, like doing what I want to do when I want to do it. This changed - I don't care how independent you both are you lose some "freedom" so to speak. My days of going out for cocktails with co-workers ended and while it wasn't terribly important to me I missed the "blowing off steam" feeling but it wasn't acceptable to RAH - and I knew that before he moved in and accepted it. he too said he didn't mind if I had a drink here and there and its true he didn't - as long as it was at home or very contained if I were out (like only 1 drink and what time will you be home). This was very hard for me because I felt like I was being controlled. The control though wasn't about me it was about him - and his nervousness that if I started coming home buzzed or drinking more than a little that it would have an effect on his sobriety - he had also lost patience a long time ago to be in the company of buzzed or intoxicated people and once I got that it didn't bother me anymore.
Aside from the alcohol issue - ALL relationships are work. It takes time, patience, and compromise to acclimate to the new "we" instead of "I". It takes A LOT of time to give up your space, and get used to the fact that if you want to crank the stereo up at midnight and dance you can't because your SO is asleep......
I have painted a pretty negative picture so here is the good side of it - If you and your life partner on on the same page about what you want from life it is the best feeling in the world. RAH is my best friend, and he would take a bullet for me. I have become a better person since we have been together - way more motivated to accomplish the things I only dreamed about with a support system that tells me everyday I can. We share in successes and failures equally. We have become our own family - we will not have children just pets. I never wanted them so I can't comment on not being able to have them. There is just nothing like being loved generously. Not everyday is a good day for sure it has been a work in progress - first year was a very difficult adjustment.
As for the recovery of your SO - it sounds like he is working a very strong program. However, do not EVER fool yourself that relapse won't happen. Mine relapsed after 10 years sober. He was not working a program anymore. There are people sober for 30 years that relapse. An alcoholic will always be one just never forget that. i strongly suggest that you attend Al Anon and work the steps - end any co-dependent or enabling traits you have (and you may not think you have them). I wish I had done this before RAH and I moved in - my co-dependent traits caused a lot of problems long before he ever relapsed. That someone is an alcoholic is not my mind reason to not become involved if they have a significant recovery period and continue to work it. There are lots of things that can be done in relationships that are terrible that having nothing to do with alcoholism. Its always a crap shoot a little bit when you put your heart in someone else's hands.
Because it happened so fast is probably why it happened because I didn't have time to drag my feet like I normally do.
2.5 years in now. It was a tough transition - I too like MY time, like doing what I want to do when I want to do it. This changed - I don't care how independent you both are you lose some "freedom" so to speak. My days of going out for cocktails with co-workers ended and while it wasn't terribly important to me I missed the "blowing off steam" feeling but it wasn't acceptable to RAH - and I knew that before he moved in and accepted it. he too said he didn't mind if I had a drink here and there and its true he didn't - as long as it was at home or very contained if I were out (like only 1 drink and what time will you be home). This was very hard for me because I felt like I was being controlled. The control though wasn't about me it was about him - and his nervousness that if I started coming home buzzed or drinking more than a little that it would have an effect on his sobriety - he had also lost patience a long time ago to be in the company of buzzed or intoxicated people and once I got that it didn't bother me anymore.
Aside from the alcohol issue - ALL relationships are work. It takes time, patience, and compromise to acclimate to the new "we" instead of "I". It takes A LOT of time to give up your space, and get used to the fact that if you want to crank the stereo up at midnight and dance you can't because your SO is asleep......
I have painted a pretty negative picture so here is the good side of it - If you and your life partner on on the same page about what you want from life it is the best feeling in the world. RAH is my best friend, and he would take a bullet for me. I have become a better person since we have been together - way more motivated to accomplish the things I only dreamed about with a support system that tells me everyday I can. We share in successes and failures equally. We have become our own family - we will not have children just pets. I never wanted them so I can't comment on not being able to have them. There is just nothing like being loved generously. Not everyday is a good day for sure it has been a work in progress - first year was a very difficult adjustment.
As for the recovery of your SO - it sounds like he is working a very strong program. However, do not EVER fool yourself that relapse won't happen. Mine relapsed after 10 years sober. He was not working a program anymore. There are people sober for 30 years that relapse. An alcoholic will always be one just never forget that. i strongly suggest that you attend Al Anon and work the steps - end any co-dependent or enabling traits you have (and you may not think you have them). I wish I had done this before RAH and I moved in - my co-dependent traits caused a lot of problems long before he ever relapsed. That someone is an alcoholic is not my mind reason to not become involved if they have a significant recovery period and continue to work it. There are lots of things that can be done in relationships that are terrible that having nothing to do with alcoholism. Its always a crap shoot a little bit when you put your heart in someone else's hands.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Based on my experience moving in together will change things. It will take it to the next level even if you don't get married. Basically it makes calling it quits much much harder and more conflicting. For me I was not expecting that. I got much closer and more entangled than I thought possible and I made life decisions based on that relationship, that moment in time, rather than based on what I need and where I wanted my life to go.
I'm not saying you want to or should call it quits. I do think it is wise to wait with the moving in together until you have put all your concerns to rest - so that you can more easily make the decisions that are best for you. Deciding to not have kids is a big deal. You want to be sure of that before you commit further. The age difference is a big deal. He will be dead or ready for nursing home care and you won't even be retired. You will for sure spend your retirement years without him (and without adult children or grandchildren). Not a deal breaker - but needs some soul searching. This is your whole life. Make decisions based on the whole thing, not on this moment in time.
And living for the future (or getting caught up in planning out a particular future) and the inability to be happy in the moment is sometimes one of my problems so take that into consideration when reading my post please
I'm not saying you want to or should call it quits. I do think it is wise to wait with the moving in together until you have put all your concerns to rest - so that you can more easily make the decisions that are best for you. Deciding to not have kids is a big deal. You want to be sure of that before you commit further. The age difference is a big deal. He will be dead or ready for nursing home care and you won't even be retired. You will for sure spend your retirement years without him (and without adult children or grandchildren). Not a deal breaker - but needs some soul searching. This is your whole life. Make decisions based on the whole thing, not on this moment in time.
And living for the future (or getting caught up in planning out a particular future) and the inability to be happy in the moment is sometimes one of my problems so take that into consideration when reading my post please
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Thank you for all the amazing thoughts and insight... this is why I love coming here!
Lol @ Lexie! If only I could afford a mansion with ONE wing, let alone TWO!!
I entered a hospital heart and stroke foundation lottery before Christmas where the grand prize was a brand new 3 bedroom 1600 sq ft top floor condo! I had all the power of positive thinking on my side and in my head I was already moved in and furnishing it, lol! But alas... I didn't win... wonder of wonders, lol.
In all honesty in my heart I know I DO want him to move in with me and I DO want to start our lives together... it's just my fear of change that's making me question things.
I know in Anvil's words, if it ain't Broke, don't Fix it! But I could live like that forever and I know in my heart I wouldn't be satisifed. In order for there to be growth in a relationship we have to move forward.
Thank you Marie, for your story about your friend... the age gap is definitely something we have had to come to terms with... if only it weren't there.... but it is and we deal with it as best we can. I know he will almost certainly die before me, and before that he will slow down years ahead of me. I know there is still so much left I want to do in this world... I want to travel and explore... and he does too, but you're right he just may not be able to in 15 years time or so... He is keeping fit by going to the gym regularly, but he also has extremely unhealthy eating habits... he also currently smokes (but says he would like to quit.. but I am letting that decision be up to him... no pressure from me). We are taking it one day at a time... and for the now at least it is amazing.
I think for me, I guess the most important issue is the kid issue. I am extremely happy with my life right now... I am active, involved with community groups, still volunteering at the mission, working full time... but I sometimes wonder if that will be enough... DO I want kids? I don't know... it's the unknown whereas right now I am enjoying the known... if that makes sense. I guess I will sit down with my SO and we should have a very serious talk about the possibility of kids. Like I said I did bring it up with him a year ago and during this past year he (and I) have undergone a barrage of fertility testing just to see if there was any possibility that I could get pregnant by him (there isn't). We have discussed what we would do if I DID by some miracle get pregnant and we both agree we would be fine and happy with it, and that we would make it work. But I guess there's a difference (to him) between getting pregnant naturally and "artificially" making it happen...
I know he's done all the testing just to make me happy, and he would carry through with it if it's what I really desired... but I do know that it is not something that HE really desires... and definitely if we are to move forward as a couple it's something we need to be on the same page about. I think once we have finally decided this issue, I will feel better about moving in together...
Thanks for making me suss all this out in my head! You guys rock
And Red, I do understand that relapse is ALWAYS a possibility... but I can't devote any of my precious energy to worrying about it. I just can't. As long as he is working his program and he takes the steps he needs to maintain his recovery, it is honestly out of my hands. He has started to talk about looking for a meeting a little closer to where I live (I live about 30 minutes from where he does right now), and so I'm happy about that.
And I DID attend al anon for a while, but found I always left that room feeling much more depressed than when I walked in... so it definitely was not the place for me. (I know there are other meetings I could try, but my schedule is very limited...)
And Thumper I totally understand about sometimes forgetting about the now to plan out your future... but there are so many variables in life that you will constantly be searching for a "plan b". Is giving up the amazing thing I have now, worth the trade-off of almost surely being alone in the future? I don't think so. If we split up now based on my worry of either being alone or being childless, there is no guarantee that I would ever find another "Mr. Right" to come along in the extremely near future (given my fertile years are quickly coming to an end!) to have such a happy life with. I could end up just being alone and miserable now, rather than later!!
It's a lot to think about, and like Tuffgirl originally said.. I think I'm definitely OVER thinking it, lol! I mean seriously... who else has this much trouble deciding to move in with the man they love?? lol... only Tatertot...
Lol @ Lexie! If only I could afford a mansion with ONE wing, let alone TWO!!
I entered a hospital heart and stroke foundation lottery before Christmas where the grand prize was a brand new 3 bedroom 1600 sq ft top floor condo! I had all the power of positive thinking on my side and in my head I was already moved in and furnishing it, lol! But alas... I didn't win... wonder of wonders, lol.
In all honesty in my heart I know I DO want him to move in with me and I DO want to start our lives together... it's just my fear of change that's making me question things.
I know in Anvil's words, if it ain't Broke, don't Fix it! But I could live like that forever and I know in my heart I wouldn't be satisifed. In order for there to be growth in a relationship we have to move forward.
Thank you Marie, for your story about your friend... the age gap is definitely something we have had to come to terms with... if only it weren't there.... but it is and we deal with it as best we can. I know he will almost certainly die before me, and before that he will slow down years ahead of me. I know there is still so much left I want to do in this world... I want to travel and explore... and he does too, but you're right he just may not be able to in 15 years time or so... He is keeping fit by going to the gym regularly, but he also has extremely unhealthy eating habits... he also currently smokes (but says he would like to quit.. but I am letting that decision be up to him... no pressure from me). We are taking it one day at a time... and for the now at least it is amazing.
I think for me, I guess the most important issue is the kid issue. I am extremely happy with my life right now... I am active, involved with community groups, still volunteering at the mission, working full time... but I sometimes wonder if that will be enough... DO I want kids? I don't know... it's the unknown whereas right now I am enjoying the known... if that makes sense. I guess I will sit down with my SO and we should have a very serious talk about the possibility of kids. Like I said I did bring it up with him a year ago and during this past year he (and I) have undergone a barrage of fertility testing just to see if there was any possibility that I could get pregnant by him (there isn't). We have discussed what we would do if I DID by some miracle get pregnant and we both agree we would be fine and happy with it, and that we would make it work. But I guess there's a difference (to him) between getting pregnant naturally and "artificially" making it happen...
I know he's done all the testing just to make me happy, and he would carry through with it if it's what I really desired... but I do know that it is not something that HE really desires... and definitely if we are to move forward as a couple it's something we need to be on the same page about. I think once we have finally decided this issue, I will feel better about moving in together...
Thanks for making me suss all this out in my head! You guys rock
And Red, I do understand that relapse is ALWAYS a possibility... but I can't devote any of my precious energy to worrying about it. I just can't. As long as he is working his program and he takes the steps he needs to maintain his recovery, it is honestly out of my hands. He has started to talk about looking for a meeting a little closer to where I live (I live about 30 minutes from where he does right now), and so I'm happy about that.
And I DID attend al anon for a while, but found I always left that room feeling much more depressed than when I walked in... so it definitely was not the place for me. (I know there are other meetings I could try, but my schedule is very limited...)
And Thumper I totally understand about sometimes forgetting about the now to plan out your future... but there are so many variables in life that you will constantly be searching for a "plan b". Is giving up the amazing thing I have now, worth the trade-off of almost surely being alone in the future? I don't think so. If we split up now based on my worry of either being alone or being childless, there is no guarantee that I would ever find another "Mr. Right" to come along in the extremely near future (given my fertile years are quickly coming to an end!) to have such a happy life with. I could end up just being alone and miserable now, rather than later!!
It's a lot to think about, and like Tuffgirl originally said.. I think I'm definitely OVER thinking it, lol! I mean seriously... who else has this much trouble deciding to move in with the man they love?? lol... only Tatertot...
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Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
I lived with my AP for 8 years and in that time he asked me to marry me lots of times. I always said no, not because I didn't love him more than anything else in the world, but because we were both divorced and I had grown used to my independence BUT MAINLY because of his drinking. I was scared to commit to an alcoholic. Sadly he gave up but became very ill and when I did finally agree to becoming engaged he wasn't in sound enough mind to go through with a marriage. There have been huge difficulties with his family which could have been avoided if we were married but most of all I regret not marrying the man who was the love of my life out of fear and pride.
Don't make the mistake I did.
Don't make the mistake I did.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Tatertot, I have two quotes hanging off my computer monitor - they represent who I strive to be now. Maybe they will help you too.
There is no such thing as a fear-free path.
In fact, often the paths leading to the greatest joy and growth
feel the most fearful.
Happily, the best things in life are waiting for you
at the exit ramp of your comfort zone. (don't know who said this!)
And
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”–Mark Twain
As you can see, I am working on conquering my own fears, especially when it comes to dating again! And I am a classic over-thinker. A fretter. Over-analyzer. I am learning every day to let go of the need to find a guarantee, and instead throw caution to the wind and go with my gut instincts instead. Because I do believe that 20 years from now, I will regret what I didn't do.
There is no such thing as a fear-free path.
In fact, often the paths leading to the greatest joy and growth
feel the most fearful.
Happily, the best things in life are waiting for you
at the exit ramp of your comfort zone. (don't know who said this!)
And
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”–Mark Twain
As you can see, I am working on conquering my own fears, especially when it comes to dating again! And I am a classic over-thinker. A fretter. Over-analyzer. I am learning every day to let go of the need to find a guarantee, and instead throw caution to the wind and go with my gut instincts instead. Because I do believe that 20 years from now, I will regret what I didn't do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
I met my XAP on a singles holiday of all things. Wasn't looking for anyone, just getting over a break up and didn't want to go away on my own. He had been there the week before I arrived too and people in the second week had got to know him - and presumably had their doubts about his sobriety? They tried to warn me off him but I didn't understand why then and I wouldn't have wanted to know anyway. And even now looking back on all that has happened over the last few years, I don't regret ever taking that risk and I know that if I'd walked away at the time I would have regretted it forever. I'm not condoning you being with an active alcoholic but I do say go with your heart on this one. Good luck and best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Tatertot
but there are so many variables in life that you will constantly be searching for a "plan b". Is giving up the amazing thing I have now, worth the trade-off of almost surely being alone in the future? I don't think so. If we split up now based on my worry of either being alone or being childless, there is no guarantee that I would ever find another "Mr. Right" to come along in the extremely near future (given my fertile years are quickly coming to an end!) to have such a happy life with. I could end up just being alone and miserable now, rather than later!!
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Tatertot
And Thumper I totally understand about sometimes forgetting about the now to plan out your future... but there are so many variables in life that you will constantly be searching for a "plan b". Is giving up the amazing thing I have now, worth the trade-off of almost surely being alone in the future? I don't think so. If we split up now based on my worry of either being alone or being childless, there is no guarantee that I would ever find another "Mr. Right" to come along in the extremely near future (given my fertile years are quickly coming to an end!) to have such a happy life with. I could end up just being alone and miserable now, rather than later!!
I've made so many trade offs in my life and in hindsight they weren't always for the best. I was always so afraid I'd lose what I had or never get what I wanted. There is no way to go back and get a do over to see how things would have played out had I refused to trade and instead trusted that I could have it all. It is still a struggle much of the time. I do not process things as if I can have it all - I am constantly bargaining in my head so I sympathize - which is why I post although I fear I'm not offering much that is useful.
It's a lot to think about, and like Tuffgirl originally said.. I think I'm definitely OVER thinking it, lol! I mean seriously... who else has this much trouble deciding to move in with the man they love?? lol... only Tatertot...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sounds like you are really in the right place with this in your thinking.
For me the age thing wouldn't bother me too much. Physically yes things will happen but age is a state of mind. Reality is you could marry someone your age who thinks old - or who could get in an accident or have a disease that disabled them. My parents who are nearing 80 are far more social than I am and called me this week to let me know they are heading to France in October.....as an independent woman it would be more important to me that I had a partner that respected it and didn't keep me from doing the things that I wanted to do. RAH does not like to attend some of the things I have to for work and some of the things I want to for pleasure - I am just as happy to go alone in fact prefer it sometimes. If he didn't want me to go and expected me to stay home simply because he didn't want to go....we wouldn't be together.
For me the age thing wouldn't bother me too much. Physically yes things will happen but age is a state of mind. Reality is you could marry someone your age who thinks old - or who could get in an accident or have a disease that disabled them. My parents who are nearing 80 are far more social than I am and called me this week to let me know they are heading to France in October.....as an independent woman it would be more important to me that I had a partner that respected it and didn't keep me from doing the things that I wanted to do. RAH does not like to attend some of the things I have to for work and some of the things I want to for pleasure - I am just as happy to go alone in fact prefer it sometimes. If he didn't want me to go and expected me to stay home simply because he didn't want to go....we wouldn't be together.
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