laya

I so much appreciate these forums and everyone's input. I just have a quick question and hope some of you will respond. My husband started working a new job and he is out of town a lot. When he started this job, he began putting contacts into his phone. Since he openly snoops through my phone (I have nothing to hide), I decided to look at his contacts right in front of him. I came across one - Lanetta. I asked him who that was and he said it was the lady in the office who records their time. And I noticed that her number only shows up once or twice a day for usually less than two minutes and her number hasn't shown up at all this week. I'm assuming she's communicating with the person he is working with. Well since I needed to reassure myself of whatever, I looked her up online as you can so easily do these days. A wedding announcement showed the true spelling of her name which isn't even close to the name first mentioned. I had asked him if she was married and he said no and he said he assumed she wasn't b/c she didn't have a ring on. So, my question is why would he purposely misspell the name and then tell me she wasn't married when I believe he knew she was? It seems to me that he is trying to make me jealous and worry me. From what I've gathered online, she is also a religious person - our area is very small so it doesn't take much research. I'm not really worried about her - but I just can't figure him out. I haven't confronted him over this but it does make me wonder. I do think I'll correct the spelling of her name though when he comes back home lol! Oh and he wasn't drinking during this time but I wonder too if withdrawing from alcohol could make him paranoid enough to want me to be jealous of him the way he is of me. He's so worried that I'm going to be with someone else. And he's also jealous of my best friend who is a wonderful person and a great support for me. I think he drinks all week and then goes through withdrawal when he comes home on weekends. I'm just trying to get some rationale for his trying to make this girl a mystery. Thanks to anyone reading this and listening to me ramble

SparkleKitty

Hm...I think if you go snooping, you get what you deserve!

laya

just to clarify...I wasn't snooping - I did it right in front of him. HE is the one who snoops.

SparkleKitty

Okay, fair enough. You describe, however, what would be, to me, a tremendous amount of effort into following up on whatever 'lead' he may or may not have planted there for you to find. I wonder what purpose this serves the betterment of your relationship with him? There seems to be some kind of trust/control game at work, but not one that anyone is capable of winning.

But to your point, if my husband picked up my phone or laptop in front of me and began going through my calls or emails, I would still consider that snooping. My calls and emails and contacts are my business, whether or not I have anything to hide.

CharlieNoogan

You are reading way too far into this. Because a name is misspelled in his phone, you believe he has some ulterior motive to make you jealous?

I'm sorry, but men aren't smart enough to operate that way. :rotfxko

laya

i guess all his paranoia has made me paranoid too. and i have to agree with both of you...it's not helping my situation and my ah just isn't that smart. i need to remember that from now on. thank you all!

SparkleKitty

It is so amazingly difficult not to let the distorted behavior inside. I know how that feels. When I look back at what I used to believe was 'normal' behavior, I get well and truly exhausted!

(((laya))) Hugs to you!

AnvilheadII

while a seemingly small thing....A PHONE....what it really illuminates is the utter lack of BOUNDARIES for either of you! and i'm guessing real LACK OF TRUST, on both sides.

look at how far you went with this....not satisfied with HIS answer, you looked her up online, found her wedding announcement and then figure he'd hatched this plan to intentionally misspell a woman's name so that you would get jealous??? seriously?? i'm surprised you didn't call her.

all we can control is OUR own actions. once we become aware of our own unhealthy habits, we can begin to make changes. do you see anything you might be willing to do differently?

FireSprite

Whenever I found myself caught in this paranoid spiral I could never see that I was the one initiating all of it. Yes, he had displayed untrustworthy behavior in the past but I was the one keeping it alive by looking waaaaaay too deeply into things & trying to rationalize everything. It has taken me a long time to see this & I still struggle with it more than I'd like.

I could see myself over-analyzing a small issue like this & overlooking the very obvious, most likely explanantion.... he simply spelled her name wrong & it's too unimportant for him to care about correcting.

MsPINKAcres

((laya))

may I ask a few questions?

is this the life you want? Is this the example you want your children to see as a "normal" behaviors in a relationship? how would you respond if your 15 yr old was in a relationship similiar to your marriage?

Not trying to be harsh ~ just asking you some of the questions that were asked to me by my sponsors ~ wanting me to realize I was teaching my 5 daughters what to accept in their relationships ~

We can't control what someone else does - but we are responsible for our actions - nothing changes if nothings changes ~ if we want something different, we have to be willing to do something different ~ The Change in our lives has to start with us ~

Just my experience, strength and hope ~

pink hugs to you & yours

laya

we were never like this before his alcoholism got really bad. the more he is suspicious of me, the more i get suspicious of him. i have never given him a reason to distrust me. he just does. so from what i gather here, i need to change my ways, focus my energies on more positive things that i CAN control and stop looking at his phone and continue to let him snoop through my things b/c he's not going to find anything. he's looked through emails, facebook, ran general searches of my name on the internet and threatened to put a gps on my car. i have decided, though, to stop reacting to him when he starts picking and being accusatory.

Audrey1

No one in this forum can give you any 100% guarantees on answers to anything, laya, but I can see why you may have possibly become carried away with this. Paranoia is contagious and we're probably all guilty of it in different ways.

But for the record, people worldwide are getting lazier and lazier when it comes to spelling. My partner is so bad with spelling and even remembering names that he had me in his phone as "Elf" for a couple of weeks after we first met until we formally got together because although he had fallen "head over heels" he still couldn't get my name right, and had resigned himself to the fact that I looked like an elf so why not name me as such!

laya

i might add too that maybe some of my paranoia comes from his constantly lying about drinking. he hides alcohol and sneaks around to buy it and will completely deny any drinking. so i guess i wonder if he lies about that what else does he lie about. it's hard for me to imagine the sober him cheating on me b/c he is not a womanizer at all - he didn't even flirt with me on our first date. i can't imagine the drunk cheating on me b/c who could stand him for even just one night? but i still wonder what he might try to get away with. i've also been concerned about drugs just b/c of the motley crew he used to work with but he's gotten away from those guys with the new job he started and is around good people now but that doesn't seem to be helping the alcohol problem. these guys drink some too. the only difference may be they know how to control their drinking. he doesn't.

Patsy22

Don't let his alcoholism distort your life. He is insecure and he is trying to make you believe there is something going on with this woman when the truth is the only other relationship he has is with alcohol.

Recovering2

Wow. I see me in you. We get caught up in the disease right along with the A, and we become just as sick. When my BF was drinking, I was checking his emails and his phone messages. I had no business doing that, but at the time I believed I had good reason. Crazy crazy. I had to learn to "stay on my side of the street" and mind my own business. And he has to mind his. We have both had to focus on our own recoveries from all of this, and I started before he went into treatment. I had a counselor who told me to "stop" my behaviors all the time. AlAnon helped me realize I was only creating more anxiety for myself.

I still slip. I saw his calendar for the month. Twice a month he had his ex-wife's name penned in. My initial reaction? "Why is he talking with her, and about what?" It upset me, but I decided that it wasn't my business and I had to let it go. 2 days later, he's telling me his schedule for the coming week. Guess what I forgot? His personal counselor from his treatment program has the same first name as his ex! I was really happy I didn't react and say anything to him! I was dead wrong and would have felt awful if I made an issue out of it.

You really need to focus on you. No one, not even your spouse, should have your passwords. Your phone and email are yours, they are not to be used for control. Start reading, and find AlAnon near you. It will help you learn to detach and stop contributing to the chaos. Good Luck!

LexieCat

I echo what everyone else is saying here. No, his snooping does not make it OK for you to do the same thing.

And no, he should not be snooping in YOUR phone, that is definitely not OK, either. HOWEVER, as I said in the other thread, I think his behavior is potentially dangerous to you.

I think the sooner you are able to get out of this relationship, the healthier you will be.

Anna

If you don't have trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

DreamsofSerenity

I know what you mean about paranoia being generated by all the lies about drinking. I felt like my exabf was lying to me all the time about everything, and sometimes it would really mess with my head. But paranoia is something you have to choose take on. You can refuse to give into all the thoughts, and resist the temptation to snoop yourself. Regardless of whether your BF is lying or not, the paranoia is really destructive to your serenity. It is so easy to get stuck on these merry-go rounds of irrational thoughts. I have looked up my ex's exgf's on FB, and always regretted it. Everytime I'd go digging, I'd only make myself feel terrible. Just focus on yourself, and try to ignore the fact he is paranoid. It's his problem. I know it's hard because all of this craziness is contagious, but health has the potential to be contagious too.

laya

I have resolved to focusing on myself. I talked to him on the phone last night and could tell instantly he was drinking. He told me the reason he snoops is because I snoop. Well, last night I told him that I wasn't going to do that anymore. I wasn't going to put anymore energy into trying to change things I cannot change and that I am detaching myself from his problems. I am focusing on myself and our kids. However, this will not take away the resentment I feel toward him for not admitting his problem and refusing to seek help. I am mad at myself for allowing him to work away and do whatever he pleases and then let him come home on weekends like everything's fine. I really feel stuck. When I told him I wasn't going to worry about him anymore, he seemed perfectly fine with that...like I was giving him a free pass to drink which was NOT what I was doing. This alcoholism thing has eaten up my happiness for at least the last two years. I'm on pins and needles all the time. And anytime I've mentioned separation b/c of his problem, he always says fine if that's what I want and then turns it around and says I want out so that I can be with my boyfriend (who is nonexistent). Believe me, the last thing I'm worried about right now is another man. Just when and how do I draw the line?

Recovering2

He likely doesn't believe you will detach or leave, you two have been very enmeshed in this. It will take him a few weeks to figure out you really have detached (if you do) and then it will hit him. That's when they either get angrier or get very lovey dovey...both manipulative. It doesn't matter what excuse he throws out for why you leave, don't listen to it. You know what the truth is, he is in denial. You draw the line when you're ready to do it. I would go to a few AlAnon meetings, and listen to the wisdom in those meetings. It will help you decide your boundaries and help you detach from his behavior.