cambell

Well,he was sober for one week,prior to that he went on a binge....He is at it again.I spoke with him last night and he was drunk(although he denies it completely) This will never stop.Im sick of this, REALLY sick of this! What the hell is it going to take?...Im just venting.I know there is nothing i can do.Its up to him. What a lonely exsistance for him.He is VERY close to losing his job and his home.I put so much faith in him, i rooted for him when everyone else walked away(smart people).I want to call him every name in the book, this is a messed up and pathetic disease, it destroys relationships,job security,self esteem...EVERYTHING! Why the hell does one want to continue to drink?....Nothing good can come of it. You know what?...im way to old for this crap, ive had enough turmoil in my life and got through every piece of it, i dont deserve this ****. I cant waste anymore of my time trying to support him when all he does ids stay sober long enough to whisper sweet nothings and make a few phone calls to tie up lose ends that he created while being drunk.Thank God i only spent a 1 1/2 years with this man.I should be grateful that we never moved in together and i havent spent my entire life surronded by this chaos. His best buddy,Colt 45(cheap crap) has got the best of him.How sad is that? Oh well...its a cheap date. I just have to get back on the horse to make a life for myself.I can do it.Ive done it before. Thanks in advance to all those reading my rant...its just a rant and i feel better already!

CeciliaV

You're right - you don't deserve that. It's sad to see the spiral of A's. You want to keep hoping that this time will be THE time when they turn it around. Sadly, as you said, it's entirely out of your hands. It's up to them.

Setting boundaries for YOU is key. I hear lots of people set boundaries that are focused on the A - "well if abc happens, then he/she has to do xyz." Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I'm learning that my boundaries are mine. They're about me, and it's up to me whether I verbalize them, to my AH or to others in my life. My firm boundary is that I can't live with an active alcoholic that's not working recovery. I also can't live with lies & deceit. These are things I need to do for me, to get/stay healthy.

One of my AH's counselors who runs family-of meetings at his rehab center tells loved ones that, while we can't make them stop drinking (or make them do anything, for that matter), we can change what we do and how we are, and we may be able to "raise their bottom" in the process. Change the environment, and those within the environment are forced to change in some way.

With time, your partner may see the environment change. I hope that he can find a path to sobriety and to recovery. But we can't all hold our breath for that hope - we'd all turn a lovely shade of purple if we did! It sounds like you're already working your own boundaries. Keep at it! It's hard to stay strong and stick with them, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Keep reaching out for support, and just know that you're not alone. Hugs & strength to you.

Tuffgirl

Yes, it is a messed up disease that destroys lives, families, children's futures. I watched my best friend die from liver failure last fall. She was 40.

But I can assure you by that point, it wasn't a "want to continue to drink". It was a "have to..." It was a sense of complete defeat on her part. She saw no other choice and no way out.

Vent away - we all have the same feelings about it. There is nothing worse than watching someone self destruct and being helpless to stop it from happening.

marie1960

I understand completely.

I could have written this exact post two years ago.

Hang in there.

life truly is better, once I set myself free. Free of his addiction and constant chaos and turmoil.

Sending you support. and wishing you strength.

DreamsofSerenity

Have you watched that short film called "Pleasure Unwoven" produced by Dr. Kevin McCauley? It's available on YouTube and is a thorough explanation (in layman's terms) of what is going on in the addict's brain. It gave me insight into how they can literally drink their lives away like some of them do. I'm not as utterly confused as I was before. It's all still terribly sad, and hard to accept, but does makes more sense to me now.

cambell

Thank you,Erika... i will be watching that shortley. I am confused about this disease.Its frustrating to see this happen. Its a constant trigger in my life to watch him kill himself slowly.I had an Aunt that died from alcoholism,i wasnt close to her but i did see those who were,effected by it.

ZiggyB

Funny... I am too old for this sh*t is exactly the same thing I said to my axbf.

And no there is nothing you can do to help them... just decide if you can deal with it, if not walk away. I waited 3 years before I finally threw in the towel. Alcohol will be the only love of his life.

CeciliaV

yes yes yes - I loved this film, just watched it last week. (Plus, the YouTube version cuts out a lot of the DVD version's "fluff" scenes of him driving through the desert and makes it a lot shorter!) Excellent insight into the workings of addiction, very eye-opening.

pianogirl1193

You should be proud of yourself that you are doing what you know is in your best interests. You definitely don't deserve the lies and everything else that comes along with dating an addict. I also could've written your post...i totally relate. It is a horrible disease, so sad to watch and be a part of. I wish there was some instant "cure"...no such luck. Your post actually inspired me to be more "firm" in my moving on, reminding me of the reasons I did break things off with my ABF....so thank you!
Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with positive and healthy people. Vent here all you want!

cambell

Thank you,pianogirl.Glad to read i was an inspiration,however i dont feel like that right now.im still a "virgin" amongst most of these people who are on this site.So many of you have great thoughts,expieriance and knowledge.I feel extremely embarrased,devastated, sad and frustrated with myself for getting myself involved with this man.I thought i was going to spend my life with this man.I put him on a pedastal.I spent 16 years in a bad marriage and worked through that getting myself together.Then this?...ive raised 3 amazing children,went back to school,got myself healthier(mentally) and thought my life was finally complete when i met him. I new in the beginning he was a recovering alcoholic and i accepted that. I blame myself for not asking more questions to understand EXACTLEY what alcoholism was...and if i had,i would have made a better choice.This disease and being involved with someone struggling has made me a cynical,negative sad woman.I dont trust anyone right now...where not to long ago i gave everyone a chance,i was positive,funny,happy and sociable.Now i dont call anyone,dont go out.im a hermit! NOT ME at all.How long will this healing process take? becaus now, he will always be in my thoughts until the day he dies of this disease im sure of it. Ugh, im tired of lifes struggles.Ive got friends who seem to be happy with their own lives...perfect family,relationship all that and im fricken jealous. omg i am soooo dissapointed in myself.There is a lesson in this,im sure of it.There is a reason why the man upstairs brought me to him...maybe it is to learn tolerance and understanding.I guess ill know once i am able to see the foresst from the trees.

skella99

I went through something similar after I divorced my exhusband. I met a man who was kind, nice and fun. We started by going on dates and drinking socially... or so I thought. about 6 months later I realized he isnt a social drinker, he was an alcoholic. He refused to stop and his drinking got worse and he became abusive toward me. He refused to stop and then started lying to me. Time to go. I continued to encourage him to go into treatment, but he refused. He kept saying that since he didnt have me, he had no reason to stop. I just kept saying you will never have me because you wont stop. I refused to fall prey to his manipulations. It was very hard, but I felt so free after he was gone.

The very sad thing is that he never got sober and ended up killing himself. Of course, I blamed myself for a long time, but I realize this is a disease. It's a disease that he could have gone to get help for, just like with any disease. He chose not to.

OH my point was, dont feel bad about being involved with him. It usually takes a while for anyone to realize that someone has an alcohol problem. Alcoholics are very good at hiding it, lying and being manipulative.

cambell

All these replys to my posts make me want to cry.Thank you.

skella99

The stories are so sad, but it just goes to show how insidious the disease is. You might consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. They help so much.

cambell

This documentary Pleasure Unwoven was amazing.I now have a much better understanding about this disease.It is very sad.Helped me realise that there isnt really much that i can do.A part of me wants to slip into caretaker mode once again and drag his butt into emerg, i know the drill, they will put an iv in his arm,pump him with thiamine and pottasium and give him some sort of sedative,release him within hours with a prescription for Ativan which works but is NOT the best thing to give an addict for detox.I miss the sober man i was with,he does not deserve this disease.A part of me wishes he would be better in Heaven,where he is in peace.Is that wrong for me to think that? I feel horrible for having that thought,but what kind of life is that? the one hes living. Im going to get outside and try to enjoy this Sunday morning here in Vancouver B.C Hey! for all of you who are familiar with Vancouver wheather, its not RAINING today!