newcomer with a question. Hi :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 44
newcomer with a question. Hi :-)
Hi
I'm Jo :-)
I've been lurking for a while and have learned a lot. Thanks!
My situation is I met my husband when I was 19 (I'm 39 now)
He has always liked to drink but this became a problem about 5 years ago. We had a tough time but he went to a private clinic and, 4 years ago, when I was expecting our second daughter he stopped drinking ( not in recovery, just not drinking) At the time I told him that I would not live with him should he start drinking again. We then had an exceptionally difficult few years for external reasons unrelated to alcohol but he stayed sober and we started to be in a position where life looked like it could be good again.
Then, last Easter we were having some building work done. I took the children away for a couple of weeks whilst this was going on. He stayed behind to work and to oversee the project. He didn't. He got blind drunk and disappeared, eventually checking into a clinic.He was foul and evasive during phone contact whilst drunk and I was worried sick. I asked him to move out as this had always been my boundary.
Initially we still functioned as a family and he would come at weekends. My daughters just thought that he was working away. Since then though he has had a number of relapses and stays in the clinic. Christmas was particularly awful. However for the past month he has been actively in recovery. He still feels that we have a future as a family but is unable to engage with us at present whilst in this period of recovery. I'm exhausted - I work at a stressful job and have a 7 yr old with Aspergers syndrome and a three year old to look after. He helps financially but not practically. I can't afford any more childcare hours for alanon but am lucky enough to have some counselling during work hours provided by my employer. I miss my husband desparately :-(
Sorry to have written so much!
My question to you all though, is how do you manage your relationship with yiur OH when you have kids? My girls have never seen his alcoholic behaviour but they do wonder why he's not involved with us at the moment. I hate it that he won't engage with us at the moment and really would find it easier to have no contact but I can't because of my girls.
I'm Jo :-)
I've been lurking for a while and have learned a lot. Thanks!
My situation is I met my husband when I was 19 (I'm 39 now)
He has always liked to drink but this became a problem about 5 years ago. We had a tough time but he went to a private clinic and, 4 years ago, when I was expecting our second daughter he stopped drinking ( not in recovery, just not drinking) At the time I told him that I would not live with him should he start drinking again. We then had an exceptionally difficult few years for external reasons unrelated to alcohol but he stayed sober and we started to be in a position where life looked like it could be good again.
Then, last Easter we were having some building work done. I took the children away for a couple of weeks whilst this was going on. He stayed behind to work and to oversee the project. He didn't. He got blind drunk and disappeared, eventually checking into a clinic.He was foul and evasive during phone contact whilst drunk and I was worried sick. I asked him to move out as this had always been my boundary.
Initially we still functioned as a family and he would come at weekends. My daughters just thought that he was working away. Since then though he has had a number of relapses and stays in the clinic. Christmas was particularly awful. However for the past month he has been actively in recovery. He still feels that we have a future as a family but is unable to engage with us at present whilst in this period of recovery. I'm exhausted - I work at a stressful job and have a 7 yr old with Aspergers syndrome and a three year old to look after. He helps financially but not practically. I can't afford any more childcare hours for alanon but am lucky enough to have some counselling during work hours provided by my employer. I miss my husband desparately :-(
Sorry to have written so much!
My question to you all though, is how do you manage your relationship with yiur OH when you have kids? My girls have never seen his alcoholic behaviour but they do wonder why he's not involved with us at the moment. I hate it that he won't engage with us at the moment and really would find it easier to have no contact but I can't because of my girls.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as often as needed. We are here to support you.
You do have your hands full! If you find it peaceful to limit contact with your husband during this time, then do what is best for you and you children. I found the way to detach from my alcoholic was to remove emotions from our interactions, and treat the conversation like a business communication.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as often as needed. We are here to support you.
You do have your hands full! If you find it peaceful to limit contact with your husband during this time, then do what is best for you and you children. I found the way to detach from my alcoholic was to remove emotions from our interactions, and treat the conversation like a business communication.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
You only have 2 kids? One 7 and one 3 years old?
As an adult child of an alcoholic I can tell kids can "sense" when things are not right and finding the right balance between the cold hard truth and as much as honesty as they need is often a fine line. As the years go by they will put 2 and 2 together if he doesn't fully recover and stay in recovery so that life normalizes.
I know you are time famined now but involving a great child therapist who knows addiction can help you sort out these very good questions.
Sounds like you have done a GREAT job of protecting the kids to date from the insanity of alcoholism in the home... kudos to you as you have no idea how wonderful a gift it was for those children!
As an adult child of an alcoholic I can tell kids can "sense" when things are not right and finding the right balance between the cold hard truth and as much as honesty as they need is often a fine line. As the years go by they will put 2 and 2 together if he doesn't fully recover and stay in recovery so that life normalizes.
I know you are time famined now but involving a great child therapist who knows addiction can help you sort out these very good questions.
Sounds like you have done a GREAT job of protecting the kids to date from the insanity of alcoholism in the home... kudos to you as you have no idea how wonderful a gift it was for those children!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You sound like a wonderful mom and so sorry for what you are going through.
Your kids will get used to the situation - as for RAH its good that he is staying away. Newly Recovering A's are often as difficult as their drunken counterparts.
Your kids will get used to the situation - as for RAH its good that he is staying away. Newly Recovering A's are often as difficult as their drunken counterparts.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Hi MsJojo - sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found SR. I don't have kids, so I can't offer any advice in that arena, but I can encourage you to reach out for support. I understand that you're busy and have your hands full with work & your children, but if you can't break away for an in-person support meeting, then maybe you can try online support meetings? You can find a listing of Al Anon online, email, and phone meetings here, and the Smart Recovery forum has online meetings every Monday night. You can share if you want or just listen. Knowing that you're not alone in your struggles can be so helpful.
Sending you strength & hugs.
Sending you strength & hugs.
Last edited by Dee74; 03-21-2013 at 11:19 PM. Reason: my bad - wrong forum. delinked forum link.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 44
It has all got so much worse over the last few days :-(. He's drunk and my MIL called this morning to tell me that he's disappeared- gone to Egypt (!)
He phoned me tonight from Egypt rambling and self righteous and told me that I was making him pay too much towards the children ( he pays the childminder) Oh? which one of us is in a hotel in Egypt, and which one of us is doing chores in preparation for a rainy British Monday at work? Its all such nonsense.
He phoned me tonight from Egypt rambling and self righteous and told me that I was making him pay too much towards the children ( he pays the childminder) Oh? which one of us is in a hotel in Egypt, and which one of us is doing chores in preparation for a rainy British Monday at work? Its all such nonsense.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Yes you are exactly right it is Nonsense. And while he is actively drinking that is all you'll get. It sounds like you have done a fantastic job of keeping your kids away from his drinking. I was married to an' A' for 27 years and if i could turn the clock back I would have started concentrating on myself a long long time ago and made sure I had a life. It's so much more difficult if you don't, because picking up the pieces later is harder. He is an adult - he should be treated as such, If he does not actively seek recovery he has to face the consequences IMO. Keep sticking to your boundaries and maybe get some Al-anon literature - Co-Dependent by Melody Beattie e.g. Kids are small for such a short time (I know it does not feel like it now) - but now I regret all the time I missed with them because I was focusing on AH - or feeling bad about what he had done or promised to do and hadn't. Its sounds strange to say - but really the best thing for everyone (including him) is to put yourself first.
The Al-Anon daily readers are great - here is a reading from - Courage to change
-
I came to Al-Anon confused about what was and was not my responsibility. Today, after lots of Step work, I believe I am responsible for the following: to be loyal to my values; to please myself first; to keep an open mind; to detach with love; to rid myself of anger and resentment; to express my ideas and feelings instead of stuffing them; to attend Al-Anon meetings and keep in touch with friends in the fellowship; to be realistic in my expectations; to make healthy choices; and to be grateful for my blessings.
I am not responsible for my alcoholic loved one`s drinking, sobriety, job, cleanliness, diet, dental hygiene or other choices. It is my responsibility to treat this person with courtesy, gentleness, and love. In this way we both can grow.
Today`s Reminder
Today, if I am tempted to interfere with something that is none of my business, I can turn my attention instead to some way in which I can take care of myself.
“I have a primary responsibility to myself; to make myself into the best person I can possibly be. Then, and only then, will I have something worthwhile to share.” Living with Sobriety
Reading From: Courage To Change, p. 85
The Al-Anon daily readers are great - here is a reading from - Courage to change
-
I came to Al-Anon confused about what was and was not my responsibility. Today, after lots of Step work, I believe I am responsible for the following: to be loyal to my values; to please myself first; to keep an open mind; to detach with love; to rid myself of anger and resentment; to express my ideas and feelings instead of stuffing them; to attend Al-Anon meetings and keep in touch with friends in the fellowship; to be realistic in my expectations; to make healthy choices; and to be grateful for my blessings.
I am not responsible for my alcoholic loved one`s drinking, sobriety, job, cleanliness, diet, dental hygiene or other choices. It is my responsibility to treat this person with courtesy, gentleness, and love. In this way we both can grow.
Today`s Reminder
Today, if I am tempted to interfere with something that is none of my business, I can turn my attention instead to some way in which I can take care of myself.
“I have a primary responsibility to myself; to make myself into the best person I can possibly be. Then, and only then, will I have something worthwhile to share.” Living with Sobriety
Reading From: Courage To Change, p. 85
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 44
update
So he didn't come back from Egypt. Initially he just extended his stay. He then told his mother that he had a contract to work there. Now he has completely disappeared.
I'm so sad for my little girls. As far as they were aware he was a loving dad, just sometimes absent due to illness. I know we'll get through whatever lies ahead but I just wish we didn't have to.
I'm so sad for my little girls. As far as they were aware he was a loving dad, just sometimes absent due to illness. I know we'll get through whatever lies ahead but I just wish we didn't have to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your girls are young. Better that they live in a home with one sober loving responsible parent, than to live with an alcoholic parent in the fray causing stress and chaos. It's not unusual these days for kids to have 1 parent households. What's important is that you hold those boundaries to protect you and your children in case he suddenly shows up and expects to carry on as usual.
((( big hugs )))
((( big hugs )))
Last edited by Recovering2; 03-22-2013 at 07:40 AM. Reason: misspelled word
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 44
Thanks for your kind words. i had a text from his mother to say that he had been beaten up badly in Egypt and returned to his flat which is in the neighbouring town to me ( drunk, of course) I had been so worried that I went to see for myself ( leaving the girls at a play date) . i wondered if he might reel me in but initially he didn't recognise me then just did a lot of quacking.
I think for now I shall just let my girls continue to think that he's away. I won't let him see them until he is sober and I don't want him being inconsistent with contact. I don't like to be dishonest with them but I need to keep things stable. Anyone have any ideas regarding the best way to do this?
Thanks again
xx
I think for now I shall just let my girls continue to think that he's away. I won't let him see them until he is sober and I don't want him being inconsistent with contact. I don't like to be dishonest with them but I need to keep things stable. Anyone have any ideas regarding the best way to do this?
Thanks again
xx
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