laya

I am married to an alcoholic who will not admit he has a problem. I've been reading a lot about detachment and think that maybe it may be good for me and him. We have four kids ages 5 - 15. We had a huge blowup last summer and he had to leave the house for two weeks. When I allowed him to come back, he promised to never drink again. He broke that promise. He works out of town and I'm sure he drinks all the time, possibly every evening when he's not home. Then, when he comes home on the weekends he's super-paranoid. He thinks I have boyfriends and that I cheat. None of which is true. After being with him and putting up with him, I'm turned against men and relationships. I stay focused on my kids and myself. Just this weekend, he started going through my purse. I asked him what he thought he was doing and he replied "just looking". Then he logged into our cell phone account and tried to find any strange numbers associated with my phone. He only started this paranoid behavior after he came back from being gone those two weeks. Since then, it's been pretty much non-stop. He doesn't want me to wear make-up or fix up b/c he's afraid someone will look at me. I fix myself up for me, no one else. Things have been pretty bad. Too much to put into one post. He's very verbally abusive, but not physical. I felt it was going to get physical right before the big blowup. I love the sober him and feel the marriage is worth working on. But, I'm just not sure what to do when he will not admit he has a problem and continues to drink.

MsPINKAcres

((laya))

welcome to our SR family
sounds like a very stressful situation ~ I'm glad you are reaching out for help. Please read the "stickys" and other people's post - I believe you will find lots of support and encouragement here from other people who have been in similiar situations.

You commented that you felt it was going to get physical before . . . may I suggest possibly organizing an exit strategy just in case this does happen - I pray that it doesn't!! But just in case, it never hurts to plan ahead, have some hidden cash, keys, clothes (for you & the kids) and a safe place to go just in case things get out of hand and you need to get away quickly to protect yourself and your children ~

Not trying to scare you - just sometimes it's a reality of living with the active disease ~

Hope that you continue to reach out for help in your detachment and learning more about how to do what is healthiest for you ~

pink hugs,

Recovering2

He sounds like he has issues beyond drinking. There is control going on, checking your purse and cell phone records. He is abusive, and you believe it could have been physical. You love the sober him, but that's not who you have in your life right now. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior, but you don't have to accept it either. Have you considered counseling, AlAnon?

laya

I do have an exit strategy which I used last summer when the blowup happened. He was drinking and being belligerent. My best friend was there and thought that she should leave because she thought he was acting up because she was there. He was so bad I thought that maybe he was not only drunk, but possessed. So after she left I packed the kids up and went to her house for the night. When I came home the next morning after taking the kids to school (I managed to keep them from most of the turmoil during this time) my living room was trashed. He broke a wii by obviously slamming it on my floor, smashed a kit kat clock my sister had gotten me which was very sentimental, broke a scentsy burner, tore my pictures off the wall. It was honestly just a mess thrown by a grown man acting like a two year old. And he was still coming off the drunk that morning. So I took pictures and called the sheriff's office. I got an emergency protective order and he was made to live at his mom's for two weeks. Stupid me believed him when he said he would give up drinking for good and after the court date, I let him come back. He came back paranoid and accusatory. I guess trying to take the guilt and focus off himself because drunks always want someone to blame.

Right now, I'm just working on detaching myself and shutting him down when he starts accusing or picking by not responding. He made a smart comment on the phone last night that I must be up to something. I abruptly said I wasn't going to listen to him put me down and that I was hanging up. And I did.

Oh and to Recovery2 - I had done some counseling in the past just b/c of trying to deal with him. However, my crazy schedule and uncertainty in my life made just getting to my appts. too stressful. I would like to attend Al-Anon but I have no one to watch the kids if I go out.

stella27

Your 15 year old can watch the smaller ones, right? Or my community had noon meetings if they are in school.

I was in a situation similar to yours and like you, I finally realized that I *don't* have a role in every argument, and I don't have to sit around and listen to it or agree to fight when there's no point.

And that made my husband even angrier. His behavior escalated in response to my detachment. When he realized he couldn't control me by the old strategies, he became more extreme in his outbursts and he started leaving me.

One time he left and I didn't let him come back, and that was the beginning of my freedom from this kind of abusive life.

Good luck and be careful.

dollydo

When he is gone you have no idea what he is doing, he may have a guilty concious, and/or, he may be using something else too. Alcohol for many can go hand in hand with cocaine/crack.

I also would suggest meetings, as you have a 15 year old, he can babysit while you are at meetings. If there is a will, there is a way.

LexieCat

You can always get another restraining order if you need to. The way he is behaving makes me very concerned for your safety. I would encourage you to call your local DV shelter (from a safe location) and make an appointment to talk to a counselor who can help you with safety planning.

I've worked in the DV field for many years, and what you are describing is a very dangerous situation.

Robh850

What Lexi is saying is spot on. Please protect you and your children.