If this is the right thing to do why does it hurt so much?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 9
If this is the right thing to do why does it hurt so much?
I have been trying to separate from my AH for almost five years now. I have had ups and downs moments where I felt like I can handle it all and moments I felt like I could explode. We have marriage issues mostly related to our past that we both can't seem to let go of. My AH attended rehab about a year and a half ago after I kicked him out and was in for one week and back to drinking after one week of being home. Looking back I see that he only went to rehab as a means to get me back not to actually help himself, it did however have some effect on him. He has slowed down from the way he used to be. He actually attends work regularly and gives me money for bills. On the other hand he still drinks at least a six pack every night and the weekend is a whole different story. He watches the clock and waits on Noon so he can start and don't stop all day. We recently had a discussion as to if we was going to work on our marriage or separate. I told him that since he "has control", (this is according to him only) of his drinking I was requesting that he take a break from the alcohol long enough for us to seek council for our marriage and work on it. Well you see this lasted one day and the next day he was drinking ( although not wasted the idea was there that he really only has commitment to one thing in his life and it isn't me or our DS. So I told him its time we both just move on with our lives because he isn't giving me what I want and he has no desire to go any place in live except a bar. I love this man dearly and don't want another in my life but it just in not acceptable to me to have to never do things with the one I love that doesn't involve drinking or packing a cooler to drink on the way there. I feel like I deserve more than that in life... I want to take trips and visit places but he can't save enough money to make it thru the week let alone save for a vacation. My question to all of you is why does it hurt so much if I know I want more and feel I deserve more... If he decided to get help and I knew he was at least trying to get well for himself I would do anything to work on this marriage. I have in the past only asked him to change one thing and that's drinking ( I realize now I can't do that) but it hurts to know that you can't even ask you mate of almost 10 years to take a little time off from something to attempt a repair. Guess its true I will always be second to a can of beer and I just need to move on no matter how bad it hurts..Sorry had to vent it just really STINKS!!! I realize I need to move on for myself because this isn't working but why does it have to hurt so bad??? People have told me if it hurts that bad then you are not doing the right thing and you should stay with him.... Is that really true? The people telling me this have never lived with an alcoholic to see how lonely it can be even though someone is around. 
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
In my experience, there is NO lonely like the lonely of being married to an alcoholic.
Change--even positive change--is often very painful. That's why he is still drinking--getting sober is painful, too. I am sober four and a half years, and I constantly hear people who are newly sober saying they must be doing something wrong because they feel miserable. It takes TIME and RECOVERY to feel better--and it is a lot of work and sometimes you feel lousy in the meantime.
So I would STRONGLY encourage you to seek out Al-Anon and begin your recovery. You don't have to make a decision what to do today, or tomorrow, or next week. But the sooner you start working on yourself, and your own feelings, emotions, reactions, the sooner your head will clear and you will start to see what path you want.
This is not to say it will never be painful. But your friends are wrong that pain means you should not change. It's a question whether the pain leads to something positive in the end, or whether the pain of staying will lead to MORE pain.
But that will become clearer as you work on yourself.
Hugs,
Change--even positive change--is often very painful. That's why he is still drinking--getting sober is painful, too. I am sober four and a half years, and I constantly hear people who are newly sober saying they must be doing something wrong because they feel miserable. It takes TIME and RECOVERY to feel better--and it is a lot of work and sometimes you feel lousy in the meantime.
So I would STRONGLY encourage you to seek out Al-Anon and begin your recovery. You don't have to make a decision what to do today, or tomorrow, or next week. But the sooner you start working on yourself, and your own feelings, emotions, reactions, the sooner your head will clear and you will start to see what path you want.
This is not to say it will never be painful. But your friends are wrong that pain means you should not change. It's a question whether the pain leads to something positive in the end, or whether the pain of staying will lead to MORE pain.
But that will become clearer as you work on yourself.
Hugs,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" People have told me if it hurts that bad then you are not doing the right thing and you should stay with him."
That to me is a totally illogical statement. Many of us stay with alcoholics because we are codependent, we fear being alone, we have little self-esteem, we keep ourselves in a self imposed prison with no bars, we lose ourselves. It is your choice whether you stay or not, it is your life, there are no dress rehersals, this is it.
His first love is alcohol, it is what guides his life. He has a progressive disease, that left untreated, will get worse. Alcoholism has tenacles that reach far and wide and adversely affect all they come in contact with. He will an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not.
I would suggest that you go to meetings, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.
Also, read others posts, you are not alone, many here are in exactly the same spot that you are.
That to me is a totally illogical statement. Many of us stay with alcoholics because we are codependent, we fear being alone, we have little self-esteem, we keep ourselves in a self imposed prison with no bars, we lose ourselves. It is your choice whether you stay or not, it is your life, there are no dress rehersals, this is it.
His first love is alcohol, it is what guides his life. He has a progressive disease, that left untreated, will get worse. Alcoholism has tenacles that reach far and wide and adversely affect all they come in contact with. He will an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not.
I would suggest that you go to meetings, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.
Also, read others posts, you are not alone, many here are in exactly the same spot that you are.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
In my experience, there is NO lonely like the lonely of being married to an alcoholic.
Seeking help thru Al-Anon meetings, SR, other recovery literature and my Higher Power helped me realize I didn't have to feel that way or live that way - regardless of what other people thought I needed to do, included my exah ~
I needed to make decisions according to the guidance of my HP as to what was healthy for me.
It took me a long time to decide what was the right path and I'm glad I took my time ~ that way I know there is no doubt I made the right decision.
You too can know what is best for you ~ there are many resources available to help you know the best road for you ~
Please keep reading, searching and finding your answers ~
Everyone deserves to live Happy, Joyous and Free ~
PINK HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Sometimes we don't stay because we fear being alone, I think the reason I stay is because we have been married for 13 years and we started with nothing and we have built our home together and purchased things together that it breaks my heart for us to have to split no only our hearts but everything we have worked so hard for. I know this may sound superficial but I came from nothing and really don't want to go back to that!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Being with my ex-abf I was so lonely, depressed, and forgot who I was. Went into the relationship happy, full of life, self assured and financially stable. I came out broken both mentally and financially but what sucks the most is I still miss him. I made some of the worst decisions of my life being with my ex-abf because I thought I loved him but he didn't love himself, his first love is a can of beer. I was second and that hurts.
Whatever you do first do some homework on yourself so your strong to follow through with any plan you put into place and yes I'm sure you'll miss him. It has to be hard and I hope that whatever you do go to a meeting, get clarity where you can. I wish you the best and keep posting there are plenty of us out here to give support.
Whatever you do first do some homework on yourself so your strong to follow through with any plan you put into place and yes I'm sure you'll miss him. It has to be hard and I hope that whatever you do go to a meeting, get clarity where you can. I wish you the best and keep posting there are plenty of us out here to give support.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I did not find that it was not painful to seperate and divorce my loved one.
I found that it hurt slightly less than staying on a course that without help was going to end in destruction.
At least the choice of getting out one of us had a chance of surviving....together we were a deadly combination.
I found that it hurt slightly less than staying on a course that without help was going to end in destruction.
At least the choice of getting out one of us had a chance of surviving....together we were a deadly combination.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
"People have told me if it hurts that bad then you are not doing the right thing and you should stay with him"
People have told me "if it hurts that bad then why are you still with him."
I'm only a week separated and it hurts like hell but to be honest, it hurt like hell before I left too. I'm leaving because I think that I have a better chance to stop the pain on my own. Sure it will take some time either way.
People have told me "if it hurts that bad then why are you still with him."
I'm only a week separated and it hurts like hell but to be honest, it hurt like hell before I left too. I'm leaving because I think that I have a better chance to stop the pain on my own. Sure it will take some time either way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
I'm coming up to 6 months separated from my XAH. He is still drinking and drugging and still in denial. He has tried detox and rehab. Came out and started straight back to it. His first love is his alcohol and drugs and himself. Me and the kids are/were probably about 6-7th on his list. He used to say nice stuff to us, but he never managed to DO the nice stuff he says he wants to do.
At first, when he left (I made him leave) I HAD to KNOW what he was doing. I was so used to attempting to monitor what he was doing, who he was seeing, what he was drinking, what drugs he was taking etc. because those things were my barometer about what to expect. If I knew that stuff, then I could perhaps predict the next drama, BUT I spent my life, 24/7 being afraid of the next bucket of sh*t he would throw on our lives. Knowing never helped anyway. He just did whatever he wanted to do and f*ck the consequences.
Why should the consequences matter to him anyway? He knew that his ever dutiful codie (me) would fix what he broke. Would hunt high and low for another job for him. Would write the CV and job applications for him. Would pay the fines. The bills. Care for the kids.
Was he actually going to work? Because if he wasn't, he could lose another job and that would screw me and the kids over.
Was he buying drugs in a public place? Because if he was and got caught and arrested, that would mean the cops coming and searching my house. He would lose his job. The kids would be traumatised etc.
Just recently, and believe me it has taken TIME, my thoughts have changed. For me, the TIME that has passed is the big thing that has helped. The longer he is away from us, the better I feel. The stronger I feel. It's like my mind and body have learned not to be afraid of the next DRAMA he will bring. I am not living a flight or fight existence. I'm not sleeping in my underwear just in case he sets the house or something else on fire again and we need to make an escape.
Whatever scr*w up he pulls now can't affect me. It's taken time for my body to learn that. My mind knew it at first but it took my body time to catch up.
Whatever he is doing is not my business. Sometimes, I do find out what he is doing and I can become very p*ssed off at his stupidity and narcissism. However, whatever he is doing does not affect me and my kids. He doesn't live here with us and whatever cr@p he pulls cannot affect us.
At first, when he left (I made him leave) I HAD to KNOW what he was doing. I was so used to attempting to monitor what he was doing, who he was seeing, what he was drinking, what drugs he was taking etc. because those things were my barometer about what to expect. If I knew that stuff, then I could perhaps predict the next drama, BUT I spent my life, 24/7 being afraid of the next bucket of sh*t he would throw on our lives. Knowing never helped anyway. He just did whatever he wanted to do and f*ck the consequences.
Why should the consequences matter to him anyway? He knew that his ever dutiful codie (me) would fix what he broke. Would hunt high and low for another job for him. Would write the CV and job applications for him. Would pay the fines. The bills. Care for the kids.
Was he actually going to work? Because if he wasn't, he could lose another job and that would screw me and the kids over.
Was he buying drugs in a public place? Because if he was and got caught and arrested, that would mean the cops coming and searching my house. He would lose his job. The kids would be traumatised etc.
Just recently, and believe me it has taken TIME, my thoughts have changed. For me, the TIME that has passed is the big thing that has helped. The longer he is away from us, the better I feel. The stronger I feel. It's like my mind and body have learned not to be afraid of the next DRAMA he will bring. I am not living a flight or fight existence. I'm not sleeping in my underwear just in case he sets the house or something else on fire again and we need to make an escape.
Whatever scr*w up he pulls now can't affect me. It's taken time for my body to learn that. My mind knew it at first but it took my body time to catch up.
Whatever he is doing is not my business. Sometimes, I do find out what he is doing and I can become very p*ssed off at his stupidity and narcissism. However, whatever he is doing does not affect me and my kids. He doesn't live here with us and whatever cr@p he pulls cannot affect us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Why does it hurt so much?
Because we are wired to connect tightly to the one we love. Whether you believe in nature or God we are meant to "cleave to one another" and not leave for the sake of our children and the clan.
When we separate our bodies do everything they can to cause us anxiety and take us back to our mate. Brain chemicals and hormones dump into our system causing the racing heart, the clammy skin, the fear, the inability to think about anything else!
No...it ain't love ... it's nature!
But... my body and my brain have not processed that I made a bad "pick" and that it is in my best interest to not reconnect with my XA. Just like the alcoholic voice that incessantly tries to drive the A back to the bottle it is the "Mating Voice" that tries to drive us back to the intimate relationship we had with our A.
A little scientific knowledge won't make the crazy making feelings go away but at least you understand WHY you want something BAD for you! Because you are "addicted" to the A and you need to DETOX and that takes time!
You can't feed the thoughts because that keeps them coming... you have to change your thinking...force yourself to think about something else. Distract yourself...it takes time to see progress but it does WORK!
And time is your friend as more will be revealed.
Because we are wired to connect tightly to the one we love. Whether you believe in nature or God we are meant to "cleave to one another" and not leave for the sake of our children and the clan.
When we separate our bodies do everything they can to cause us anxiety and take us back to our mate. Brain chemicals and hormones dump into our system causing the racing heart, the clammy skin, the fear, the inability to think about anything else!
No...it ain't love ... it's nature!
But... my body and my brain have not processed that I made a bad "pick" and that it is in my best interest to not reconnect with my XA. Just like the alcoholic voice that incessantly tries to drive the A back to the bottle it is the "Mating Voice" that tries to drive us back to the intimate relationship we had with our A.
A little scientific knowledge won't make the crazy making feelings go away but at least you understand WHY you want something BAD for you! Because you are "addicted" to the A and you need to DETOX and that takes time!
You can't feed the thoughts because that keeps them coming... you have to change your thinking...force yourself to think about something else. Distract yourself...it takes time to see progress but it does WORK!
And time is your friend as more will be revealed.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by workingonlife
I realize I need to move on for myself because this isn't working but why does it have to hurt so bad??? People have told me if it hurts that bad then you are not doing the right thing and you should stay with him.... Is that really true? The people telling me this have never lived with an alcoholic to see how lonely it can be even though someone is around.
I found a lot of sanity in letting go of these things. I'm still not quite sane and I still have a lot of work to do, but it's much less exhausting (and less frustrating) to work on me than it is to try to control the life & choices of someone else. Control what you can (i.e., you). I encourage you to do what is right for you. You do deserve more and you do deserve to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The truth can be very painful.
And Yes, it will hurt for awhile.
Sometimes we just have to give time, time.
I can assure you, it will get easier. Keep taking care of yourself, you are now your # 1 priority. Be kind and patient with yourself. You truly deserve a life free of addiction. Embrace the ride.........
And Yes, it will hurt for awhile.
Sometimes we just have to give time, time.
I can assure you, it will get easier. Keep taking care of yourself, you are now your # 1 priority. Be kind and patient with yourself. You truly deserve a life free of addiction. Embrace the ride.........
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