Alcoholic wanting advice with partner

Old 02-25-2013, 07:42 AM
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Alcoholic wanting advice with partner

Hi all,

Apologies if this is not the best place to post but I kind of want advice from those living with alcoholics so that I can avoid any common pitfalls and hopefully make this as pain free for myself and my partner.

So a bit of background info:

I suppose I am what people would call an introvert, i am generally quite unsociable, all of my social interactions are work and my partner. In general i find people rather dull, I find small talk a chore so most of the time I am quiet and have very little to say. This is the same with my partner, I love him but simply sometimes I have nothing to say to him, so we often have long periods of time where we simply sit together and watch a movie or tv or play games which my partner hates as he feels that he has done something wrong, which he never has (he has some confidence issues from previous relationship)

During these times I often drink as it makes it easier for me to break out of my head as it were(I am by no means pinning my drinking on my inability to converse nor on my partner). Now I have tried and failed multiple times in the last 4 years to quit and I have found at least in the short time I was off it I was an extreme version of myself, mostly because I generally do not like to talk about how I am feeling as I feel talking about something that he cannot help will neither help me or him, but perhaps this is not the same mindset he has.

Now I have an appointment to detox and I am serious this time on quitting, I will be on Antabuse after the week of detox and I am confident the side effects will truly keep me away from that "one" drink. My partner seems genuinely pleaser that I am now going down the route of medical help but I get the feeling that he will "wait and see" as I have broken this promise before.

So baring all that in mind I want to make this work and make it work right and I don't think my usual way of doing things (head sand) is going to work so I wondered if anyone out there could give advice on how much I should involve him In my recovery and the inner workings of my mind, possible issues that could arise and in general ways in which you and your partners have done things

Apologies for the rather long post and thanks again in advance for any advice given, I cannot promise to follow it but I can try.

AoS
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Old 02-25-2013, 07:58 AM
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My husband tried to keep me as far from anything to do with him and his recovery as possible. And it ended in his failed attempts that he then blamed on me not changing how I reacted to things.

Involve your partner but gently. He is going to be afraid of getting his hopes up and then getting crushed if it does not work. It was crushing for me all the time to keep watching my husband fail at his attempt and then run back to his "friends" that would ply him with his addictions.

Instead of watching t.v. try asking him to take a walk with you. You don't have to talk, just hold hands and go for a walk. Or snuggle while going fishing. Still sitting, still not a lot of verbal communications needed. But it is doing something. My husband always thought t.v. and video games and with me in the room (he picked the games and shows without my input) was quality bonding time. But then would go do all my favorite hobbies with his friends (while drinking and using other stuff). I would have killed for him to do ANYTHING with me if his addictions and friends were not part of it.

Go slow keep making progress, be patient and focus on your recovery. By getting yourself better and staying that way he will come around and then you can start to fix and rebuild things.
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Old 02-25-2013, 08:16 AM
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AoS, welcome.

I don't have any advice to give but I can share some of my experience. As the husband of an Alcoholic Wife (AW) I was every bit as messed up as she was. All sorts of mental and emotional issues.

For me I would have loved to be involved in my wife's attempts at recovery but to be honest that would have been the worst thing in the world for me. What I needed at that time was recovery and healing of my own.

Unfortunately I didn't know that. Hopefully as part of your detox and recovery he will be told about Al-Anon. Coming from healthcare professionals he may decide to go. My AW mentioned it to me during her first attempt but I wasn't in the mood to listen. It felt to me like she was putting the blame for her drinking on me.

You may also be able to mention this forum to him. There are huge amounts of wisdom and experience here from people who really understand his issues and simply knowing that you are not alone in this can be a huge help.

Good luck with your recovery and feel free to post whenever you need to.

Your friend,
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Old 02-25-2013, 08:18 AM
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I can't offer too much advice as the alcoholic in my life never got sober. I would like to say though, that it's really great you posted on Friends and Families looking for ideas. Already you seem to be thinking about the impact of your alcoholism on your partner which is a big part of recovery. I hope your sobriety sticks this time and I wish you all the best!
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Old 02-25-2013, 08:57 AM
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Hi and welcome to our side of the SR forum!

First of all, congratulations on your decision. For your relationship to have a real chance to work, you do need to be sober and emotionally available to your man.

That said, my response is simple. Ask him and honor what he says he needs, even if its not what you want things to be like right now. Don't make promises you can't keep. Be open with how hard this is for you. And let him know Al-Anon exists for him if he needs some support that you can't provide.

Prayers to you on this journey!
~T
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Old 02-25-2013, 09:55 AM
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I can only share based on my experiences, but for me communication is key to rebuilding my relationship with RAH. That stemmed from how we had been struggling with communication while he was actively drinking... in his efforts to hide/deflect/internalize he had slowly shut me out bit by bit & by the time he sought recovery I felt like I didn't know him as a person any longer. I knew there were remnants of that same person inside of him (or maybe hoped is a better word) but I no longer understood him or who he had become. In recovery he was yet again changing & working on becoming a better person so even the stuff that I thought I knew about him as an A was no longer true.

But that doesn't mean that I need to know every single detail through every stage of his recovery.... especially since he himself is still figuring all of that out & doesn't really have answers.

It's more that I need to know the broad strokes..... he's struggling with xyz or feeling better about abc or today his mood is off because it's "just a bad day" for whatever reason. (I don't mean just relative to his sobriety, I mean things like job stress, issues with his mom, whatever.... he had gotten into the habit of not sharing anything.) I don't always need the reasons, but as a codie it's important for me that my partner tells me how he's feeling vs me making assumptions & guessing. I had to learn to back off from needing every little detail because it really had just become another form of control for me.

Ironically, it seems like the more I back off & need fewer details & the less he feels pressure to continually provide them, the more he honestly feels like sharing as time goes on. In his earliest recovery it was kind of better for us not to talk too much at all - he had a lot going on that he couldn't really grasp himself & I really needed some time to work on my own issues. We often clashed & seemed to be coming from 2 different perspectives & speaking different languages in those very early days.

I stay out of his recovery as much as I can except for the places where it intersects with me/my life. It's really about his actions & not his words. Over time as he sticks to the things he says, our relationship is recovering as well. It takes a long time to rebuild trust & my RAH has had the hardest time realizing that just getting sober isn't enough to wipe away all the bad things that have happened or been said. That the sober him still had to atone for the actions of the drunk him even if no longer was that person or made those same mistakes. I think it has been surprising to him how far reaching the consequences of his actions have been - I think he mistakingly thought he was only hurting himself all that time.

Good luck on your sobriety!!
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Old 02-25-2013, 01:24 PM
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Argent, just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I was here, looking for insight into what it feels like to be the one who has to deal with the messes we alcoholics create. I'm looking a little late, though - my boyfriend asked me to move back out a few days ago. I really hope you can keep your promise; please, please do yourself the favour of not finding a new "bottom" like I did.

(hug)! and best wishes
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Old 02-25-2013, 02:29 PM
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I really dont know if any of that matters. All that matters is that what ever unpleasant stuff that happens between you and him as a result of alcohol will go away. I dont care what my GF shares with me or if im involved at all. Its not on me. Its on her now to stop drinking and find her way. Not me. I refuse to take any responsibility for her drinking or her stopping. I dont take anything she says seriosly anymore threw trial and error. Ya, ive been threw the ringer.
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Old 02-25-2013, 04:28 PM
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Hi, Argent,

I'm a sober alcoholic (four and a half years) and I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, so I know how it feels to be on both sides of the issue.

I sincerely hope you aren't counting on Antabuse to keep you sober. That is a VERY short-term crutch, at best, to get you through the early days of sobriety when it is hardest to give up old routines. Personally, I love AA as a way to have really good QUALITY sobriety--in the sense that life is better sober than it is drinking.

How much you share is up to you, but you must keep in the forefront of your mind that your partner has "been there, done that" so far as your promises and intentions go. I have no doubt you are sincere in your desire to stay sober, but your actions will speak louder than your words.

A lot of us drink because we are uncomfortable in our own skins and we want to "break out of our heads," as you put it. To be comfortable sober will require some internal changes, which AA's Steps are designed to address. No need to fear it will turn you into a social butterfly, lol--you may always be a bit of an introvert, and that's OK. But you don't want to be a MISERABLE introvert, staying away from a drink solely out of fear. That's no way to live.

I hope you will also encourage your partner to give Al-Anon a try. He might find it a great relief to be able to share with others who understand what it's like to live with an alcoholic. If he doesn't want to go, that's fine, too. It doesn't mean he's not being supportive--Al-Anon is for him, not for you.

Good luck with your efforts--though luck has little to do with it. You must make it the number one priority in your life, or you are likely to wind right back where you are now--or worse.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:16 AM
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Thank you all for your advice and kind words, you have given me much to think about.

I will talk with my partner about how much he would want to know/do. I will certainly mention al-anon to him.

I think the best thing will be to find something else to do at the times I usually drink hopefully we can get back on track and spend a time "together"

Thanks again

AoS
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Old 02-27-2013, 04:18 AM
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Hi Argent,

I see some traces of the dynamics of your relationship in my past relationship with my XA.

Although we loved each other deeply his severe alcoholism did finally derail our relationship although we careened around for 4 years chasing every recovery promise and drug, treatment out there.

In the end he got sober and it was his not just going to AA meetings (that's the fellowship) but his commitment to the steps and working them with his whole heart. I am amazed at what a different man he is becoming and so different from the selfish, shallow person he became while intoxicated (which was always when relapsed).

LIke you he is introverted and bit shy...but he is sharing now in AA meetings. Not a requirement but something he now is wanting to do because he knows his shares can help someone else... a major part of the miracle of true recovery.

I have changed too. I have been active in alanon and this forum for 3 years now and have also had a lot of counseling and read a ton of books!

It changed my life. I am happier than I have ever been! I am friends with my XA and we talk every day but he is 3000 miles away working on his recovery while I work on mine! In 9 months if he stays sober we have a very hot date planned in Tahiti (he pays which is a freaking miracle since I used to support him!)

We don't plan for tomorrow and he knows if he drinks the 1 year clock resets (he drank one night and lost 4 months from our hot date).

Funny thing. I am content. I don't pine. I don't worry. I am in complete peace and so is he. He wants me there more than I want to be there with him. That's because we codie partners suffer more in the relationship. So remember that... be gentle with your partner as it is hard to love an alcoholic even when we love them so much it hurts all the time.

Hope that helps... if you are both dedicated and BOTH work programs you can put it back together. It takes time and hard work... shortcuts don't cut it.

That's my E,S and H.
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Old 02-27-2013, 07:15 AM
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I have to echo LexieCat on the "been there done that" feeling. My husband did two failed stints at outpatient programs. When he went into rehab, I was cautiously optimistic. He's nearly 30 days sober and working a good recovery program and almost home from rehab, but I'm still just cautiously optimistic.

He's in an in-patient program, and we talk every day - at least once if not twice. He shares what he wants to with me - sometimes telling me funny stories, drama from other clients at the rehab center, what exercises he did in his therapy sessions, or just sharing that he's tired or had a hard day. I don't ask, I don't push. We're both introverted, although me much more so than him - I'm pretty textbook introvert...I get physically tired after any extended period of social interaction. But still we were able to sit with his counselors and talk - really TALK and communicate, which is something we haven't done in quite a long time. It's helpful for these conversations to be moderated and guided by professionals - they can help us keep things fair, on topic, and make suggestions about how we can get through rough spots. If/When you are ready - that is, when you're are detoxed and have started to work your recovery & are able to really focus - and if/when your partner is ready, maybe this is something you can look into to try to build a new base. I'm learning that we have to make a new norm and that I need to find myself and my footing in all this.

Still - while the much more open and honest communication between us is great & all, my husband understands now that it's his actions that will communicate loudest. Seeking treatment is a very loud and good communicative action. Sticking with it and working ongoing recovery is even better.

I wish you luck and success, and kudos for taking the steps towards sobriety & recovery.
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