To tell or not to tell the alcoholic partner you attend al-anon meeting?
 

I'm going to meetings for me.
I'm not trying to make a statement about her drinking that I'm going, but at the same time, I'm thinking should I be hiding it? Is there a legitimate reason to hide it?

I don't think you have to announce it, but if she asks where you are going, why lie?

I don't think you need to make an announcement about attending AlAnon meetings, but if she asks there is no reason to lie either. You're attending for you, not her. I will share that when my BF was still actively drinking, it pissed him off that I went to meetings. He would be in a foul (more foul) mood when I got home from them. So as long as she's not asking, I"d probably suggest you don't volunteer the information.

This is a good question that I have wondered about myself. My husband and I do everything together, so for me to get out of the house on the weekend to attend a meeting is going to infuriate him. I am going to start by attending the ones available on my lunch hour.

IMO,secrets are unhealthy, they are burdens and they weigh us down.

Agreed. I would tell AH I was going, he would binge that night and be angry about it, but I made it clear that it was about me and not him. What he chose to do with that information was up to him. The night he got his DUI was a meeting night, go figure.

I didn't think of it as a secret...or at least something I was doing behind her back a normie would be fine with. But knowing how alcoholics react to anything that might point to them actually having a problem, I thought of keeping it hidden, although me getting home after 7pm isn't my normal.
I guess when I think about it, the alcoholic will pitch a fit regardless of telling them before the first meeting, or attending 20 and them finding out.
I feel anxious....but not enough to make me stop going.

When I was with my exabf, I hated it when he hid things from me, so, since I didn't like it when he withheld information from me, I didn't do the same thing. If I went to meetings and not tell him, I would have to sneak around to do it...lie by comission or omission, not my thing. Just my two cents.

Makes sense to me, that's why I asked. I will tell her

hope you enjoy the meeting!

K, My telling my girlfriend was a huge mistake. When I told her I was going her look changed from relaxed to the fear of a thousand earhquakes in her eyes. She then said when her family started going to alanon not long after they stopped seeing her. SHe calls it deserted her. Then she said if your going to alanon it wont be long before you leave me too. Ever since I told her i have been pitted as the enemy. Everything I say gets a reply - did your friends at alanon teach you to say that? If you want to make a huge statement about her drinking just say the word - Alanon. Just take the help alanon gives you and carry on is advise I give you. My advice is based on my own experience telling my girlfriend about it. Things were terrible before I told her. now they are worse.

Is she still drinking?

Why is this a mistake?

She's an alcoholic. Her drinking is causing you grief. You need support for this. Of course she's going to feel threatened. She's still drinking and alcoholics usually prefer their partners be complacent with their drinking. You've demonstrated otherwise, as her family has done before.

Her reaction is simply an attempt to manipulate you into staying home.

Hmmm... Good question... Is she still drinking? Sorry for the assumption.

Your first response is what I would have said if he says yes

Yes, Fadedjeans has said his g/f is still drinking.

drc hit it on the head. Her reaction is HER problem. YOUR problem, Fadedjeans, is placating her and making your actions about how to keep her from behaving badly. This is why they call it a "merry-go-round." You react to her, which she reacts to, and you react, yada yada. It takes two people to keep the merry-go-round in motion. If you step away, and do what is right for you, REGARDLESS of her reaction, then what she does is completely her responsibility.

Manmust, if you would normally say where you are going when you leave the house, go ahead and tell her. If you normally would not, then don't. If she asks, tell the truth. All you have to say is that her drinking upsets you and that Al-Anon will help you to address those feelings. Period. It isn't about how to manage her, it's about how to manage you.

You could always call her out on her BS (because that's what it is, BS) and end the discussion immediately after.

There is a feeling, a sense, of relief at meetings from the people there. It's a respite for us all. We return to our homes with rational thinking about how alcoholism affects us and we live employing our new behaviors -- mainly no longer enabling the alcoholic -- and refusing to be abused. Like how we notice when a drunk sobers up...the drunk we love notice when we emotionally sober up.

One assurance to the alcoholic that can be made is that we are at meetings dealing with ourselves and not his/hers. Tell them we want to better ourselves...and his drinking/recovery is his responsibility. We must put ourselves and children first and ensure well-being for all.

At some point, we all reveal that we are attending Al-Anon...either by leaving our book on the night stand, letting it slip in conversation, or purposely planning on telling them.

I don't attend Al-Anon to force a person to quit or in to rehab. Telling the drunk that may also help. It's not about them.

To answer the OP, when you're in a relationship, you're still your own person. You can still do what you want and be honest about it. I don't really see it as a statement. Think about it, is the A's drinking "a statement"?

Oh, I understand...I'm doing what I want, and its definitely not harmful to anyone....that's why I was cool on keeping it a secret