here comes the hard part
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
here comes the hard part
Ah has to get his interlock he has the appointment and is doing it tomorrow.
Today he freaked out. Scared. Nervous. You name it about quitting alcohol.
He said " Its my fault for letting it get this bad and I know I deserve it"
He also said "sorry to me his mother etc and that aa is where he needs to be"
Today he said he takes step one and hes surrendering...that he knows his life has become unmanageable.
Today we go to an aa meeting together. Me to support him.
Today I feel sad though. Happy but sad like him that it took this and this long with us cornered financially to stop the cycle of addiction. Its only a baby step and there is so much more to be done . The hard part isnt even here yet.
With court fines and lawyer costs. Ignition costs. Medication/rehab (which will end up in the picture I know) with bills we already have (some behind on) and his job half a**ing his increase in pay. Its horrible!
But im grinding my teeth because hopefully sooner than later there is a light around the corner.
Besides if I break. He breaks. And I just want to get pass it all.
Today he freaked out. Scared. Nervous. You name it about quitting alcohol.
He said " Its my fault for letting it get this bad and I know I deserve it"
He also said "sorry to me his mother etc and that aa is where he needs to be"
Today he said he takes step one and hes surrendering...that he knows his life has become unmanageable.
Today we go to an aa meeting together. Me to support him.
Today I feel sad though. Happy but sad like him that it took this and this long with us cornered financially to stop the cycle of addiction. Its only a baby step and there is so much more to be done . The hard part isnt even here yet.
With court fines and lawyer costs. Ignition costs. Medication/rehab (which will end up in the picture I know) with bills we already have (some behind on) and his job half a**ing his increase in pay. Its horrible!
But im grinding my teeth because hopefully sooner than later there is a light around the corner.
Besides if I break. He breaks. And I just want to get pass it all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl 
Besides if I break. He breaks.
Ya know, it is your choice to carry it. I assume this guy is a grown man. You are always free to give that back. Let him carry it himself. If he "breaks", who is responsible for that? Him, not you.
It baffles me where we come up with the idea that we have to prop up the alcoholic. And I mean this is the most general of terms, because it is one of those things that seems inherent to most women who post here. When my therapist called me on this - it was a real eye-opener. I came to the conclusion that I was being very arrogant thinking I had some form of control over my ex. *this is me talking about my own journey, no offense intended*
These problems you lay out, sure they affect you on the periphery since you share a life together, but becoming so enmeshed in them is not necessary. It's a choice you make. You don't have to make that choice.
Peace,
~T
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" Its only a baby step and there is so much more to be done . The hard part isnt even here yet.With court fines and lawyer costs. Ignition costs. Medication/rehab."
The real hard part is him getting sober and staying sober, working a strong recovery program...for life. Unless he does, your financial position will not improve, pay increase or not. He knew he had a DUI, he knew there would be ramifications and he kept drinking anyway, and you have not set any bounderies with him, he could have been going to meetings all along, he chose not to, and has used the pay increase thing as an excuse not to do anything. AA meetings are free and could have been a springboard for him.
I must agree with the other posters, I really don't get your thinking. Might be time to reread Codependent No More, the stickeys and cynical one's blogs.
The real hard part is him getting sober and staying sober, working a strong recovery program...for life. Unless he does, your financial position will not improve, pay increase or not. He knew he had a DUI, he knew there would be ramifications and he kept drinking anyway, and you have not set any bounderies with him, he could have been going to meetings all along, he chose not to, and has used the pay increase thing as an excuse not to do anything. AA meetings are free and could have been a springboard for him.
I must agree with the other posters, I really don't get your thinking. Might be time to reread Codependent No More, the stickeys and cynical one's blogs.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
What I meant was if I break he breaks as in blow up get angry.
It does no good. Why do it?
I choose to go to a meeting with him because he wants me there. Its a new place and hes nervous. I told him I would.
I have set boundaries and like all of you struggle with them. Im not alone in this.
The raise thing perhapse to him on a level was an excuse. I wont deny that. Hes given me plenty of them
But aa isnt going to make the debt go away.
And aa is a great place to go hes been but its not medication ...its not detox. Its a meeting.
Yes I should go to alanon and I should probably get cracking on the books about what is and isnt acceptable. About codependancy.
Thank you for the replies.
Sometimes I wonder where my mind has gone.
It does no good. Why do it?
I choose to go to a meeting with him because he wants me there. Its a new place and hes nervous. I told him I would.
I have set boundaries and like all of you struggle with them. Im not alone in this.
The raise thing perhapse to him on a level was an excuse. I wont deny that. Hes given me plenty of them
But aa isnt going to make the debt go away.
And aa is a great place to go hes been but its not medication ...its not detox. Its a meeting.
Yes I should go to alanon and I should probably get cracking on the books about what is and isnt acceptable. About codependancy.
Thank you for the replies.
Sometimes I wonder where my mind has gone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Nc
Posts: 33
All of our minds go numb during this. We all think that we are doing the right thing, in some cases for that moment it may have the best of intentions, just the execution of the idea is flawed. There are days that I struggle. I pause to take a few breaths to just calm myself. It can be hard at times to stay focused when we feel that the world is moving at mach 6 around us.
Financially it will take some time to clear up the debt. Have patience, find a place that has AA and Al-Anon meetings in the same building (if possible). This way you are going with him and (not to own his attendance) you get some time to talk to others also. The place I go has both meetings there. It was helpful to also talk with AA members who had multiple years of sobriety and who had gone to Al-Anon meetings also.
Hang in there.
Financially it will take some time to clear up the debt. Have patience, find a place that has AA and Al-Anon meetings in the same building (if possible). This way you are going with him and (not to own his attendance) you get some time to talk to others also. The place I go has both meetings there. It was helpful to also talk with AA members who had multiple years of sobriety and who had gone to Al-Anon meetings also.
Hang in there.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
And aa is a great place to go hes been but its not medication ...its not detox. Its a meeting.
As far as I can tell from what you've posted, he's past needing detox. Detox is for when you are going through acute withdrawal. If I recall correctly he hasn't been drinking--much, anyway--recently, which obviates the need for detox. The problem with your going to meetings with him to "support" him is that he will not be inclined to interact with sober alcoholics who can actually do him some good. If he feels he needs someone for support at his first meeting, he would do better to call Intergroup and see if a sober member could meet him and go with him to his first meeting.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear lonelygirl. I have empathy for where you are right now. I know the feeling of desperation that fuels the fear and influences our thinking and decisions.
By the time the situation reaches crisis levels--like your financial train wreck---we have been so beaten down by the disease that ANYTHING which looks like the alcoholic wants to change seems like the answer to our prayers. Sooo, we throw our weight behind the alcoholic with new fervor. We believe that if we support enough, encourage enough, believe in him/her enough, and love them enough---that is what will finally "do the job".
The monkey wrench in all this is that we are dealing with ADDICTION. And, the nature of addiction in counter to what we know and falls onto the very jaws of our co-dependent natures. This, of course, is the very best news to the monster disease that feeds on our enabling good, helpful tendencies.
BUT, we learn new things. We learn how we enable with the noblest of intentions. We learn where to place better boundries for ourselves. We learn about this ugly disease and how it distorts the brain, and thus, the reality that the alcoholic has been operating from. We learn how and where we must change and that we are responsible for our own happiness--and, that we are capable of much m ore than we ever imagined.
lonelygirl, you seem so willing to do self examination. I see you trying so hard. Of course, we all stumble many times when fighting this monster disease. we are like babies taking our first steps. Don't beat yourself up! Just don't give up and it will get easier---it will become more clear as you go along.
sincerely, dandylion
By the time the situation reaches crisis levels--like your financial train wreck---we have been so beaten down by the disease that ANYTHING which looks like the alcoholic wants to change seems like the answer to our prayers. Sooo, we throw our weight behind the alcoholic with new fervor. We believe that if we support enough, encourage enough, believe in him/her enough, and love them enough---that is what will finally "do the job".
The monkey wrench in all this is that we are dealing with ADDICTION. And, the nature of addiction in counter to what we know and falls onto the very jaws of our co-dependent natures. This, of course, is the very best news to the monster disease that feeds on our enabling good, helpful tendencies.
BUT, we learn new things. We learn how we enable with the noblest of intentions. We learn where to place better boundries for ourselves. We learn about this ugly disease and how it distorts the brain, and thus, the reality that the alcoholic has been operating from. We learn how and where we must change and that we are responsible for our own happiness--and, that we are capable of much m ore than we ever imagined.
lonelygirl, you seem so willing to do self examination. I see you trying so hard. Of course, we all stumble many times when fighting this monster disease. we are like babies taking our first steps. Don't beat yourself up! Just don't give up and it will get easier---it will become more clear as you go along.
sincerely, dandylion
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Thanks for the responses.
When I think about it like truly think about it. Yes...its the wrong route.
His recovery is about him. Sometimes I think we forget we arent dealing with a normal partner to partner or
Partner to world problem insread of an unhealthy addiction.
So of course naturally we want to support and help.
Right now my ah (whom yes is a heavy drinker even when hes cut back is not "cutting back" or has snuck alcohol lied the whole game)
Has gone two 1/2 days without alcohol. Hasnt left the house nothing and is "wigging out"
He was sweating profusely this morning and having a hard time sleeping with the shakes so because he spent most the day sleeping or trying to sleep we missed aa.
Which he was genuinely upset about.
I know that my putting myself in the middle is so so unhealthy and of course tiresome and really
I should just be happy in my own little bubble and not get my hopes up and dang it I hope I dont
But for him to say he "needs" to go to a meeting because hes craving. Its a bit nice.
Its kinda ironic how we talk about an alcoholic really trying or wanting to quit when they are ready and not for anyone else and whats going on now has nothing to do with me. Im not "saving" him.
He is saving himself or atleast trying to because he wants to because hes in a corner with the dwi.
Kind of rambled in that a bit.
I told him I would stay for a few days but that I think that I need a lil vaca for me while hes
Doing what hes going to do. So atleast I like to think I have some kind of head on my shoulders for that lol
Leave stay leave stay but each time has been great. Looking forward to another holliday from home
When I think about it like truly think about it. Yes...its the wrong route.
His recovery is about him. Sometimes I think we forget we arent dealing with a normal partner to partner or
Partner to world problem insread of an unhealthy addiction.
So of course naturally we want to support and help.
Right now my ah (whom yes is a heavy drinker even when hes cut back is not "cutting back" or has snuck alcohol lied the whole game)
Has gone two 1/2 days without alcohol. Hasnt left the house nothing and is "wigging out"
He was sweating profusely this morning and having a hard time sleeping with the shakes so because he spent most the day sleeping or trying to sleep we missed aa.
Which he was genuinely upset about.
I know that my putting myself in the middle is so so unhealthy and of course tiresome and really
I should just be happy in my own little bubble and not get my hopes up and dang it I hope I dont
But for him to say he "needs" to go to a meeting because hes craving. Its a bit nice.
Its kinda ironic how we talk about an alcoholic really trying or wanting to quit when they are ready and not for anyone else and whats going on now has nothing to do with me. Im not "saving" him.
He is saving himself or atleast trying to because he wants to because hes in a corner with the dwi.
Kind of rambled in that a bit.
I told him I would stay for a few days but that I think that I need a lil vaca for me while hes
Doing what hes going to do. So atleast I like to think I have some kind of head on my shoulders for that lol
Leave stay leave stay but each time has been great. Looking forward to another holliday from home
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((thislonelygirl))
can I ask what have you done for you & your recovery today?
I was told by a sponsor the best thing we can do for our addict/alcoholic loved ones is to be focused on working the type of recovery program we would love to see them have in their lives
I'm sure you are tired, beyond tired, emotionally, spiritually and mentally ~ I've been there - many of us have been there ~ maybe not in the exact place as you but in similiar circumstances ~ it's not easy, I know it's not. . .
please if you can - just take some time for you ~
yes his healthy & recovery is important but So Is Yours ~
prayers & good thoughts for your HP's very best
pink hugs
can I ask what have you done for you & your recovery today?
I was told by a sponsor the best thing we can do for our addict/alcoholic loved ones is to be focused on working the type of recovery program we would love to see them have in their lives
I'm sure you are tired, beyond tired, emotionally, spiritually and mentally ~ I've been there - many of us have been there ~ maybe not in the exact place as you but in similiar circumstances ~ it's not easy, I know it's not. . .
please if you can - just take some time for you ~
yes his healthy & recovery is important but So Is Yours ~
prayers & good thoughts for your HP's very best
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
I feel so sorry for you and he is lucky to have you to support him. But I have to admit to agreeing with most of the others posting replies to you in that you should go to your own Alanon meetings and let him sort himself out on his own. I didn't really understand about this codependency when I was going through this with my ex. One day, when it was too late as he died, I sat down and thought, if the situation had been reversed he wouldn't have done it for me. I see it like the stewardess tells you in the airplane safety talk, if you need to put a lifejacket or an airmask on, do your own before you can help your child. Good luck but look out for yourself too and put yourself first. He is responsible for himself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
It may be a good idea to take some time apart.
That way you can both concentrate on own recoveries.
You can love him from a distance but focus on yourself & then be in a better position to decide where to next.
Hugs, I know it's hard.
That way you can both concentrate on own recoveries.
You can love him from a distance but focus on yourself & then be in a better position to decide where to next.
Hugs, I know it's hard.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
If he is shaking, sweating and "wigging out" it sounds as if it's pretty bad. The best thing for you to do may be to let the professionals handle it. Have HIM call a Dr. to see if he needs a medical type withdrawal.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Rosiepetal-thanks your always so kind and understanding big hugs to you too.
Justfor1- hes doing better. Im in shock at what hes doing and how he is handling it.
Hes taking more initiative than before and its a huge step!
Im glad but I am dumbfounded as well lol
Yes he was having the shakes sweats insomnia hurting but hes not complaining either or wanting to drink. Hes just doing it and doing it without fail and hes not fighting it at all. Hes not drinking going to aa and his outlook on sobreity has changed. Before when hes tried he would get frustrated and looked at everyone else what I did or didnt do and feel sorry for himself. Sorry I kind of went on with that but hes never done it like this before. The way he is handling it I think if it were too kuch he would go to the doctor er if necessary but hes pulling through.
Thanks everyone for the responses. Im going to alanon today and ah to aa.
Steps in the right direction.
Justfor1- hes doing better. Im in shock at what hes doing and how he is handling it.
Hes taking more initiative than before and its a huge step!
Im glad but I am dumbfounded as well lol
Yes he was having the shakes sweats insomnia hurting but hes not complaining either or wanting to drink. Hes just doing it and doing it without fail and hes not fighting it at all. Hes not drinking going to aa and his outlook on sobreity has changed. Before when hes tried he would get frustrated and looked at everyone else what I did or didnt do and feel sorry for himself. Sorry I kind of went on with that but hes never done it like this before. The way he is handling it I think if it were too kuch he would go to the doctor er if necessary but hes pulling through.
Thanks everyone for the responses. Im going to alanon today and ah to aa.
Steps in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
It's definitely a step in the right direction & I am happy for you both although I understand how difficult a situation this is.
Remember when you used "detachment" with him?
I think if you can detach enough to let him discover his own recovery & focus on working your own then it is a healthier choice all round.
Keep posting
Hugs as always, Rosie.
Remember when you used "detachment" with him?
I think if you can detach enough to let him discover his own recovery & focus on working your own then it is a healthier choice all round.
Keep posting
Hugs as always, Rosie.
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