I have no friends...update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
I have no friends...update
Hi all,
Due to work, or maybe I should say "over-work", I haven't posted in awhile. Nice to see Anvilhead again! And wow, so sorry to hear about CarolID. It is always so comforting to come here and know that you all have "been there, done that" in all the various stages that we all go through.
For those of you who don't know me (I see a lot of new people), I separated from AH back in September and my son and I are doing great in our new place. Things have been peaceful somewhat with AH since he did stop drinking a week before I left (trying a last ditch effort to keep me there). I moved out anyway. He is still not drinking (it really seems that way), and so we have had a peaceful co-parenting and my son is happy. He misses living with dad, I have no idea why. I think he just misses the "family" feeling because living with AH was awful and I think my son does not want to remember right now since right now AH is being the dad that he likes to spend time with--not that drinking jerk.
I am not all ok yet and still have a lot of work on myself to do. I keep reading all I can and get on the online Alanon when I can (I work about 70 hrs a week).
The AH still just irritates me... Sends lovey-dovey texts and it is always about how he misses me and the text are ALWAYS about his wants and needs. I ignore them and just don't answer. I have also flat out told him that I will not respond to them. I am doing much better with detaching from certain things, but we have some financial stuff that needs to be sorted out and so I do need to talk to him about some stuff so I can't detach as much I would like.
But, as I go through my recovery work, I find that I am feeling better and better--not that it is easy to feel some of the feelings and acknowledge my codependency. But I just try to move forward and not stagnate.
One of the latest sad feelings that I am having a hard time with is that after being with AH for so many years, I have no friends. Many walked away after just not wanting to deal with him and his alcoholic nastiness--and his own judgmental attitudes. I can't blame them. Other friends were either drinkers or people that I had a codependent type relationship with. As I get healthier, they just drop off the map since I am not the "rescuer" anymore.
I just feel lonely. I feel sad for the friendships that I lost. It is hard to deal with these feelings and they show me how much more work I have to do. I see people all the time having friends over, or going to the mall or out to dinner with friends...and I wonder if I will ever have that. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of joy in my life with my son and the peacefulness of not living with AH. But sometimes I long for just having fun with friends. I have not had that in so long that I almost forget what it is like to have fun that way!
Do you think that when I am in the right place, the friends will come? Is it just that it is not time yet in my recovery for me to attract healthy people as friends yet? I don't know... any input would be appreciated.
Due to work, or maybe I should say "over-work", I haven't posted in awhile. Nice to see Anvilhead again! And wow, so sorry to hear about CarolID. It is always so comforting to come here and know that you all have "been there, done that" in all the various stages that we all go through.
For those of you who don't know me (I see a lot of new people), I separated from AH back in September and my son and I are doing great in our new place. Things have been peaceful somewhat with AH since he did stop drinking a week before I left (trying a last ditch effort to keep me there). I moved out anyway. He is still not drinking (it really seems that way), and so we have had a peaceful co-parenting and my son is happy. He misses living with dad, I have no idea why. I think he just misses the "family" feeling because living with AH was awful and I think my son does not want to remember right now since right now AH is being the dad that he likes to spend time with--not that drinking jerk.
I am not all ok yet and still have a lot of work on myself to do. I keep reading all I can and get on the online Alanon when I can (I work about 70 hrs a week).
The AH still just irritates me... Sends lovey-dovey texts and it is always about how he misses me and the text are ALWAYS about his wants and needs. I ignore them and just don't answer. I have also flat out told him that I will not respond to them. I am doing much better with detaching from certain things, but we have some financial stuff that needs to be sorted out and so I do need to talk to him about some stuff so I can't detach as much I would like.
But, as I go through my recovery work, I find that I am feeling better and better--not that it is easy to feel some of the feelings and acknowledge my codependency. But I just try to move forward and not stagnate.
One of the latest sad feelings that I am having a hard time with is that after being with AH for so many years, I have no friends. Many walked away after just not wanting to deal with him and his alcoholic nastiness--and his own judgmental attitudes. I can't blame them. Other friends were either drinkers or people that I had a codependent type relationship with. As I get healthier, they just drop off the map since I am not the "rescuer" anymore.
I just feel lonely. I feel sad for the friendships that I lost. It is hard to deal with these feelings and they show me how much more work I have to do. I see people all the time having friends over, or going to the mall or out to dinner with friends...and I wonder if I will ever have that. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of joy in my life with my son and the peacefulness of not living with AH. But sometimes I long for just having fun with friends. I have not had that in so long that I almost forget what it is like to have fun that way!
Do you think that when I am in the right place, the friends will come? Is it just that it is not time yet in my recovery for me to attract healthy people as friends yet? I don't know... any input would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
yes the friends will come. And some who dropped off will probably return as well. Its not uncommon to see this happen in a divorce.
Its a new you - so why not put yourself out there to meet new people? Take a class, or get involved in a hobby that interests you. A lot of times I find that people drop off when we are inundated with problems - I am not saying that a friend shouldn't be there but it sounds like you had a lot going on and perhaps people just needed to distance themselves. It would be nice to start afresh with people who don't know your situation so you can develop positive relationships that have nothing to do with AH.
Its a new you - so why not put yourself out there to meet new people? Take a class, or get involved in a hobby that interests you. A lot of times I find that people drop off when we are inundated with problems - I am not saying that a friend shouldn't be there but it sounds like you had a lot going on and perhaps people just needed to distance themselves. It would be nice to start afresh with people who don't know your situation so you can develop positive relationships that have nothing to do with AH.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am in a similar place with friends. I have a lot of good friends that don't live where I live, and regardless of where I live I have had a lot of "special" friends. Those special relationships are defined as ones in which I give and don't get a lot in return.
For me those are pretty similar to the relationship I had with my loved one that drank.
What I have learned regarding this recently is that the healthier I am the more healthy people I will attract.
I have also learned though that I had some changes to make to have some of those relationship. I also have a tendency to spend long hours at work....time I could spend taking a class to meet people for example. I was just often leaving after Al-Anon meetings and not taking the chance to make friends in person with others who were willing to work on their own recovery (cause lets face part of my problem is that I don't choose people who are interested in owning their own stuff very well).
Finally I had to be open to some of these new relationships. I was not for a bit while I was really focusing on my healing. It was just too much energy for me.
Please take what you like and leave the rest. I am not trying to say any of your reasons are mine....just that this has been one of the overarching themes for me in recent weeks.
For me those are pretty similar to the relationship I had with my loved one that drank.
What I have learned regarding this recently is that the healthier I am the more healthy people I will attract.
I have also learned though that I had some changes to make to have some of those relationship. I also have a tendency to spend long hours at work....time I could spend taking a class to meet people for example. I was just often leaving after Al-Anon meetings and not taking the chance to make friends in person with others who were willing to work on their own recovery (cause lets face part of my problem is that I don't choose people who are interested in owning their own stuff very well).
Finally I had to be open to some of these new relationships. I was not for a bit while I was really focusing on my healing. It was just too much energy for me.
Please take what you like and leave the rest. I am not trying to say any of your reasons are mine....just that this has been one of the overarching themes for me in recent weeks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's pretty tough to develop/maintain a social life while you are working those kinds of hours and being a single mom, too.
At the end of my drinking I felt JUST like you--I had isolated horribly during my drinking days and felt like I had zero friends. Gradually, over the past few years, I have rebuilt some friendships--some with people I work with, some with AA friends. I am still no social butterfly, but I do go out to lunch/dinner or to a movie/play/concert with people now and then. One thing I've done is to buy two tickets to a show or concert and call around and see who wants to go. Or call someone up I haven't seen in a while and suggest getting together for lunch or dinner.
I work a lot, too, and I enjoy my "alone time" so this feels like about the right level of social interaction for me. I know when I was feeling sorry for myself about not having friends I had to make the first move. I still do, quite often.
At the end of my drinking I felt JUST like you--I had isolated horribly during my drinking days and felt like I had zero friends. Gradually, over the past few years, I have rebuilt some friendships--some with people I work with, some with AA friends. I am still no social butterfly, but I do go out to lunch/dinner or to a movie/play/concert with people now and then. One thing I've done is to buy two tickets to a show or concert and call around and see who wants to go. Or call someone up I haven't seen in a while and suggest getting together for lunch or dinner.
I work a lot, too, and I enjoy my "alone time" so this feels like about the right level of social interaction for me. I know when I was feeling sorry for myself about not having friends I had to make the first move. I still do, quite often.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Yes, they will come!
Volunteer work is a good way to meet healthy people. They are giving their time and focused on something other than themselves typically.
It doesn't always require much time, either. I got on the list to usher for a local theatre and just respond to the emails when I am free. I did it last night and the night before. Only took an hour. Here they let us see the how for free, too.
There were neat ladies there.
Volunteer work is a good way to meet healthy people. They are giving their time and focused on something other than themselves typically.
It doesn't always require much time, either. I got on the list to usher for a local theatre and just respond to the emails when I am free. I did it last night and the night before. Only took an hour. Here they let us see the how for free, too.
There were neat ladies there.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I have had some bad experiences with friends I made after XABF. He isolated me when I was in the relationship, and afterwards I picked some rather possessive needy people as friends. I have gone no-contact with them, too, but I'm afraid to trust anyone enough to start a new friendship with anyone.
As a result I have my boyfriend, my college roommate, and my high school friends, and that's it. And my boyfriend is the only one who is local (and by local I mean "less than two hours away").
I did start volunteering for the local women's shelter, though. Just in their thrift shop - if I volunteer with any of the "clients" directly I know I'll become too focused on their issues and not focused on mine - but it's something worthwhile and I can give back to the community so it helps.
I'm not inviting anyone too close to me that isn't close already, though... I have too many trust issues to work through.
Someday, though... Maybe after I move. (I'm looking into buying a house much closer to work and my boyfriend. It shouldn't take an hour for me to get to either place but it does.)
As a result I have my boyfriend, my college roommate, and my high school friends, and that's it. And my boyfriend is the only one who is local (and by local I mean "less than two hours away").
I did start volunteering for the local women's shelter, though. Just in their thrift shop - if I volunteer with any of the "clients" directly I know I'll become too focused on their issues and not focused on mine - but it's something worthwhile and I can give back to the community so it helps.
I'm not inviting anyone too close to me that isn't close already, though... I have too many trust issues to work through.
Someday, though... Maybe after I move. (I'm looking into buying a house much closer to work and my boyfriend. It shouldn't take an hour for me to get to either place but it does.)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I am in the same place. I miss not doing fun social stuff with friends. For the moment I have excepted that this is my life right now and just try to focus on the good stuff.
I'm busy and I made some choices that were, in the grand scheme, the best for my family but there is not a lot of social opportunity for me due to time as well as those choices. I didn't have any friends the last few years before I got divorced either so....
I'm busy and I made some choices that were, in the grand scheme, the best for my family but there is not a lot of social opportunity for me due to time as well as those choices. I didn't have any friends the last few years before I got divorced either so....
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