iamthird

I understand not being capable of being healthy and walking away. I dont like that, but I understand that. What I dont understand is why the active alcoholics have to belittle their loved ones along the way?

I wish my husband would just walk away and stay away. Instead he has to belittle any positive of our relationship, criticize everything about me, every decision I make, act like his new enabling GF knows how to handle him (because she expects nothing and lets him do whatever he wants). I am so tired of hearing what a crappy wife, mother, person I have been when that is so far from reality. I don't understand him hurting the one person in his life that has ever loved him unconditionally.

Being layed up with illness, just alone with thoughts. Trying to post on here instead of doing anything unhealthy.

DreamsofSerenity

I'm also trying to figure out an answer to your question. I felt like I loved my aexbf unconditionally, and almost like he came to hate me for it. Maybe it's how they deal with their guilt. I'm sorry your AH is making you feel badly, but as someone wise once said, "Consider the source". When someone is that full of sickness and self loathing, how could they do any differently? Everything they say and do is just a projection of the chaos and darkness within them.

lizatola

It's all a part of the disease of alcoholism. My dad used to love to belittle me in front of his barfly buddies. Man, that guy had a hold on me. All I ever wanted was his love and he thought it was fun to trash me. Low self-esteem is also a part of it too, and it takes the focus off of themselves. It's called the 'do not look at me syndrome'. If all the attention is directed at you, how can anybody possibly have the time to look at the addict, including themselves?

Try your best to not take it personally. I have a friend in Al Anon who says that I need to see SSS on AH's forehead and it stands for 'sick, sick, sick'. These people are not healthy emotionally and they don't deserve all the credit we give them for controlling our emotional well-being. You can take control of you, your thoughts, your heart, and your behaviors and that's where we all have to start: with ourselves. So, take the focus off of him and find something for YOU to do tonight or tomorrow. Read a book, do your taxes(kidding), go for a walk, do a yoga video or class, etc. Take care of you!

CrossFox

iamthird, your taking steps to improve yourself and situation in any way rattles all of the fear, shame and guilt that those around you have been trying to keep at bay or numb themselves from feeling.

I'm learning to tune out the mocking comments from my mother, who is also alcoholic. If I take a class or even go for a brisk walk, she sniffs and makes an invalidating comment.

Manmust

His desire to prove you wrong is stronger than his desire not to hurt your feelings. It's part of the disease.

FeelingGreat

It's a reflection of what he sees in himself and he either has to project it outward or take a good hard look in the mirror. You don't have to argue or justify yourself.

pattyG

Iamthird,
Thank you for posting this. I too am flabbergasted that my xagf hates me when all i ever did was love her unconditionally. You did the right thing by posting. Remember you are at a low point right now, recovering from surgery. I find when I'm tired it all feels worse. Hang in there.

LadySage

I've sadly had two alcoholic relationships and the first was with a man who never belittled me. He was actually very kind and heartfelt...just detached and sad with himself. I truly believe the need to belittle and emotionally abuse may be amplified by alcoholism but is not created by it. If your man is belittling you there are two fish to fry so to speak.

Seren

My ex-husband began an affair, moved out, and filed a divorce low these many years ago. When he began his affair and right before he moved out of the apartment, he critized everything I did right down to the way I cooked lentils as proof of what a horrible person I was. Of course, everyone knows that the way someone cooks lentils can be a sign of mental and moral failings, right? *sigh*

I think this sort of behavior comes when husbands or wives want to feel better about leaving a marriage and having an affair. They make up some story in their head about how awful the person is they are leaving to justify their own behavior.

The worst part of it is that they know us pretty well and know exactly what to say to make us feel as bad as possible.

Please, please, please don't listen to him. He is spilling his baggage all over the ground around your feet and expecting you to carry it. Well, it's his baggage--he packed it--he can carry it out.

Many hugs and prayers heading your way!

redatlanta

I am with hydrogirl on this one - I call it demonizing. In order to feel better about what they have done (leave the marriage) they turn you into a person so horrible there is justification for their actions. Its not just alcoholics that do that - its many people.

Try and stop engaging with him on any discussion in reference to your marriage.

fluffyflea

That is how they deal with their guilt.

fluffyflea

Deflection, takes the focus off of them.

Michael59

I can so totally relate to this,,when my AW is drunk there is nothing I do right.She says I don't even breath right.Worst part though is when she cuts me down so much,,If I am so bad,,why doesn't she just leave,,actually she has but is back as soon as she sobers up or when her new "friend" is through with her.I have taken her back more times than I can count,,that my problem its called co dependency.

chicory

(((Iamthird)))

Have you read 'Codependent No More?, by Melody Beatty? It is an amazing book. It helps us to realize that in the end, the important thing is to take care of ourselves. It does not matter why they do what they do, it only matters that we do not accept the abuse, and move forward and out of the sick fog they live in.

I bet you would love that book. It will give you back your power to live your best life.

hugs
chicory

thislonelygirl

Hes sick and living in a twisted reality to suit his addiction. To justify himself.
Thats all it is. Apart of working a program is understanding that people make mistakes...that he is responsible for himself and that he faces the destruction addiction caused on his life. To wake up from his dream. Without a program the addict is in an illusion of himself and others.
I know how you feel and I am sorry for it. Hope it gets better

laurie6781

(((((iamthird)))))

I still think you should change your handle to: IAMFIRST

Exactly!! I did this constantly while practicing my alcoholism and drugs! It was not until I started working on my own recovery and had to make my 'amends' list. I cannot tell you how many were on that list, that I had purposely deviled to make 'me feel better about me'. In my delusional reality, as long as they were 'beneath me' then I was not as bad as some were saying.

I make no excuses, that is just what I did. However, in all these years since, being in recovery not only from being an Addict, but also from being codependent, I have seen my addicted loved ones do the exact same thing. I know how much it can hurt, even when I know what is causing the hateful words.

Today, I know they type of person I am and thus I do not allow the hateful words to do anything but bounce off the shield I have forged in my own recovery.

You (((((iamthird))))) are a thoughtful considerate woman who is doing her damnedest to continue to function under very adverse circumstances!!!!!!!! Do NOT believe a word he says, he in fact is doing his damnedest to make himself feel better and 'not at the bottom of the barrel'. Some day, if that day ever comes, and he finds true recovery, he will humbly try to apologize. However, do not hold your breath waiting for that day.

Please know that we are with you in spirit. When you are feeling 'down' look around whatever room you are in and imagine it FILLED with all of us from SR. It does make one feel better, honest.

Please continue to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh with us. We do care about you very much.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

TakingCharge999

One of the main lessons I have learned here in SR is

You don't have to listen to everything everyone says, much less believe it.

If he calls you, hang up,
If he emails you, have someone else read the message and just pass any important info that might be there.


Some people resemble snakes and only have venom to offer. That is their problem. YOU keep on healing, in the end life is about you and your Higher power, and that is all.

We can't control anyone else and its not our job, either.

((HUGS))

LexieCat

Folks, just a reminder--

Third explained her name here, previously. Her religious belief calls for her to put God first, service to her neighbors second, and herself, third. So it isn't that she is putting herself down in any way--it's pretty much what we practice in AA.

I think she is doing a great job of working at caring for herself appropriately--not putting the alcoholic's sick idea of his well-being ahead of her own.

laurie6781

Thanks Lexie, I forgot, me bad.

Love and hugs,


ps: I learned it a bit differently. God first, then myself (keeping myself healthy and whole and spiritually fit) and then others in order of importance to me. If I was not healthy, whole and spiritually fit, I would not be able to be of service to others.

chicory

Im sorry, I did not understand, as I missed out on her explanation. I hope I did not hurt your feelings, Iamthird.
I could very much relate to how she was feeling and what she was going through, and only wished to share things that helped me.

sorry,
chicory