ReflectingOnMe

3rd: I had a thought the other day about how bad I feel for my ex because I loved him more than I have loved anyone. he has never been with and most likely will not be with anyone in his future that can love him the way I do...whereas the man who loves me to that degree is still out there. For that reason--- he lost so much more in our breakup than I did.

My understanding is that he is now on dating web sites..so either the woman he cheated on me with didn't last...or he is now cheating on her. Funny world we live in.

Argnotthisagain

Thank you Lexie--I didn't see iamthird's explanation of her name either.


Anyway....this thread is so full of ESandH. Very wise.

The AXBF raged and belittled me too, and when he did it, there was a calm quiet place in my mind thtat observed and thought that what he blamed me for doing was really what he did or my response to his issues.
Often I could see him doing his best to try and pick a fight, get me going so he could have an excuse to rage.
Still, I put up with it until I got sick of it enough...
Cutting ties though is so hard though. They gave us so many mixed messages; when you close the door it still is hard to stop your mind from going back again and again.
It just takes time....but your mental anguish does subside.

Anyway, when he screamed at me that I was a LOOOOSEEEERRRRRRRR.....well, I was not the one making so many idiotic decisions that I ended up with nothing...he threw away or lost everything doing crazy drunk crap.

I may have flaws I'm always trying to improve, as I also face whatever happens in Life, but I've managed to overcome a LOT and have myself a wonderful life and a safe space where I can continue to work on changing the negatives.

All of us recovering are doing this -- together. Walking away from the ugly, sick and negative, changing the causes we make. In time the results build up, more and more positive......and we change how we feel about ourselves.

I wish what you are going through weren't so hard....but we codies are always wishing, right? I'll just do my best to be a part of the supportI've family here!

((((((((((((((iamthird))))))))))))))))

wiscsober

my thoughts are with you. There are answers and solutions for your situation, and they are based in your own recovery. Many Al-anon members I know, including myself, allowed abuse and based our identity and self-worth through the words and actions of the alcohol addict.

Alcoholics lose control of their lives and their lives are unmanageable. Many times they resort to extreme measures to exert control over people, mainly family and friends, because their lives spiral out of control.

You have the right to say no to his verbal abuse, and not talk to him when he is so, or when using.

I hope you recover from your illness laying you up...take care of yourself....

iamthird

I appreciate everyones feedback. I guess deep in my heart I know he is lashing out but it doesnt hurt any less to hear the things that trigger the most from the person you love. And when youre used to the abuse, its really so easy to take! So when someone says something so simple like dont listen to it or dont read it, I feel so crazy like "how hard is that?", so simple and yet I couldnt think of it!

I feel like the most codependent person ever. It doesnt just exist with my separated AH, with parents, siblings, friends, etc...I am trying to take the focus off of separated AH and look at why I allow this behavior, why I dont feel good enough about myself to demand more.

Before my AH relapsed in May, he was my best friend. Maybe there were other things going on his mind prior to his relapse, but I genuinely gave my best effort in supporting him and having the most genuine friendship possible with him. So not only did I lose my husband, I lost the person I shared every fear, insecurity, laugh, happiness with.

It is a dark time for me but I can see through this and know I will get through this. My kids arent living in an alcoholic household and for them and if its only that, that has to be the only thing that makes all this heartache and grief worth it. I refuse to let them grow up in that kind of atmosphere.

The words just sting so deeply. I have never agreed with the "sticks and stones" theory. Words do hurt and you cannot take them back. He says things that cut me down and I just dont understand it but I guess I should be thankful I dont understand it. I just dont know if I can ever forgive him for the verbal and emotional assaults during my illness. Its like nothing is off limits. Its terrible to endure.

SparkleKitty

((((iamthird))))

I'm so sorry you are in such pain; I have been there and I remember it vividly. All I can say is that it does and will get better. Your good heart radiates through your posts; it will serve you well through recovery as you learn to be your own best friend and advocate. In the meantime, we are all here supporting you in spirit. For every unkind word from him, you can find a dozen kinder ones here. I know it's not the same, but hang in there. I am sending you strength and courage every day.

chicory

(((Iamthird)))

You have suffered a big loss, and I surely understand why it hurts you so much. Hard to understand, and seems to not make sense. It is hard to accept things like that. Hard to lose a best friend as well as your love.

I am glad that your children are living a more peaceful life. That must bring them a lot of relief, and makes life so much easier for them. You are a good mom, and I send prayers and good wishes, for something to make you smile today, and for your recovery from your illness.

sending hugs,
chicory