LadySage

Maybe this is obvious but do you think it stems from being around an alcoholic? Did it go away after you left your AH/ABF/etc?


My doctor grabbed my shoulders and told me "you're tense and holding things in. You're not being honest with yourself". I was amazed at her words.

I've been feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest. My shoulders get tight, I have tension headaches and my breath is restricted. I feel pretty anxious a lot of the time.

This is day three of being out of my AH's house (I would say "ours" but he calls it "his"). I'm trying to tell myself that each day those feelings will lessen...

bless5

They will lessen, but it takes time. Lots of time... For me it took a couple years. One day at a time, just take one day at a time.

ReflectingOnMe

Yes, I was anxious with him and attributed it to other things (because I didn't WANT to attribute it to my choice of being with him). 3 months after our break up, I am still experiencing anxiety to the point to where I have been avoiding social situations (something as simple as going to the grocery gets me all spun up). My doctor had to double my anxiety meds just so I could get out of bed and go to work. I am working on myself, working on taking responsiblity for my choices and working on forgiving myself (which is by FAR the hardest thing for me), the anxiety will ease as long as I continue to discover who I really am and set boundries. I've had blinders on for most of my relationships; I have made excuses for others' behavior and have been far to harsh on myself. I believe that working on myself every day will eventually bring peace.
Hoping you find your center; may peace be with you.

hopes

I am still with my AH but i completely believe that he gives me so much anxiety. when my parents got divorced my moms back pain went away. Stress puts a heavy toll on our bodies and minds. Hang in there. Of course you have anxiety from living with an A. Its many years of living in the unknown. It kinda makes you crazy. Just be happy you dont have to live like that anymore and let yourself breathe again.

patmamma

I am still new here, and just wanted to chime in on this point. I am currently separated from AH, he is living at a sober living facility, but he still comes to the house everyday for work, (home studio), and to see the kids. I feel so tense being around him. I dont know how to act. Too many times, I have forgiven and fallen for the promises of change. I feel myself getting a bit more distant in a way. On the other hand, I feel sometimes, like I want to just be with him and hug him. I dont want to jepordize the progress we are making, and also want to give my recovery to fully develop. I have gone to a couple of Alanon meetings and really am enjoying the process of learning to let go and let God, etc. I am sort of confused on how to progress with respects to him. So much so that I kind of wish I dont have to even see him. So, although this may not be the same anxiety you feel, I can totally relate. I struggle with this the most right now.

LadySage

My sbtxah did quit drinking for a small period of time and went to some AA meetings but I felt anxious about it becaus the whole process seemed so full of "what ifs". I was holding my breath for him the whole time. Our story is a little different (lots of "slips", him deciding not to continue and sort of treatment and lots of fighting regardless of alcohol) but it seems like regardless there is some anxiety that comes with the territory.

I'm hoping mine starts to subside! And I hope it doesn't take years :/

patmamma

LadySage, I totally know how you feel in holding your breath, living with the what ifs....that is my biggest problem to over come right now. I at least know that I can become stronger so that if he does slip again, I will be able to move ahead with my bottom line. This is so different from times past when I would put all of my eggs in the hope he gets better basket. We all seem to share a common thread, regardless of why we are here. At least we are here. I may start a thread though asking how to act around him. I just dont have the answer to that. Thank you so much for bringing this topic up!

lillamy

Do I? Absolutely. Did I? Terribly.
For me, the difference was (and I realized this during the long divorce process) that now, I have full-fledged panic attacks when I have to deal with him. When I lived with him, my life was one big ongoing panic attack and I lived in a constant state of fight-or-flight responses that made me physically ill.

Audrey1

Anxiety seems to be the norm among us. Mine manifested as endless nausea, dizziness, headaches, jumpiness, social isolation... Some, but certainly not all, of my symptoms are gone now he quit. Unfortunately the "what ifs" rumination keeps the rest going, but I am really trying to work on taking the "what ifs" out of the equation as whether or not the "ifs" happen is beyond my control. I already know what my plan of action is if the "if" happens.

redatlanta

Yes I had much anxiety when he relapsed. Mine manifested in insomnia which only compounds the anxiety.

Anxiety has been something I have dealt with since a young adult. I refer back to a therapist I saw at age 18 on how to deal with it - "Generalized anxiety is caused by trying to control the things you can't and not controlling the things that you can". I don't know if that is applicable to everyone but it certainly is for me. When it starts cropping up its a red flag that I am not taking care of the things I can - like bills, jobs, anything really that needs to be done that I put off while focusing on another problem (RAH relapse for example). I started having panic attacks about a month into his and I remember while shopping at the grocery store I had no idea how much money I had in my bank account. None - no idea if there was $1 or $10,000. Then I started thinking about invoicing and how I hadn't been, that there were checks at my office that hadn't been deposited - and oh crap had I made my car payment? You get the idea......the viscious cycle of this is the "Oh s**t I don't want to know what the hell I have let slip". Its very easy to dig yourself even further in by now ignoring your own issues and going full steam ahead into focusing all energy into the A, the relationship and the problem that you have no control over.

Anyway how I deal is to make a list of things that I need to get done. Looking at it all on paper is reassurance I haven't forgotten anything - and then I get busy cleaning up the mess I have made.

fluffyflea

[
Be patient with yourself,this is going to take time.



QUOTE=LadySage;3831358]Maybe this is obvious but do you think it stems from being around an alcoholic? Did it go away after you left your AH/ABF/etc?


My doctor grabbed my shoulders and told me "you're tense and holding things in. You're not being honest with yourself". I was amazed at her words.

I've been feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest. My shoulders get tight, I have tension headaches and my breath is restricted. I feel pretty anxious a lot of the time.

This is day three of being out of my AH's house (I would say "ours" but he calls it "his"). I'm trying to tell myself that each day those feelings will lessen...[/QUOTE]

bailey17

I had terrible anxiety around my XABF.. just the thought of him gave me anxiety. After the relationship ended, I still had SOME anxiety, BUT i was able to work on it, work on myself, and my anxiety tremendously improved. It's easier to work on the anxiety without the A there to constantly trigger it.

cr995

IMO - YES!!

I had anxiety for about 20 years - did not know what was wrong with me. I contiued to struggle on and just keep on going. When I finally made the decision to get off the 'elevator to hell' - my whole body stopped working. It was a massive melt down.

I would shake uncontrollably. Diazepam just took the edge off - when it wore off the shaking would start again. My digestive system quit , if I managed to eat - it just went straight through me and I had a constant running stomach. I could not get to sleep when I got to sleep I did not want to wake up. I had a constant feeling of my chest being encased by concrete , I had nightmares. It was HORRIBLE. The doctor had me on all sorts of pills but I could see it was all a temp fix. When I started going to Al-anon I started to realize what had happened to me, all the traumas that I had put in filing cabinets to be 'dealt with later' - and later had finally come. My body was telling me - hey maybe you're able to keep going - but I'm not!

Carlotta

This brought me back down memory lane. I was in early recovery and living with a raging alcoholic who was violent (hacked furniture with a machete, punched walls, blacked out and choked me just to "show me" what it felt like to be him!!!).
He was in and out of rehabs/detox, kept going through jobs the way people change underwears. I used to be an anxious mess. As the clock was getting closer and closer to 5pm I would start having anxiety attacks wondering how he would be when I came home. Would he be sober? drunk? raging?
I would often pray (I know that's ugly, I was very sick at the time) that I would find him dead or that he would have gotten hit by a car and would be away for a long time.
Al Anon restored me to sanity. I still use their tools to this day. It was not an overnight thing though. Even after he was gone for months (He ended up punching me on the top of the stairs and I went falling down the flight so I pressed charges) I would still get very anxious and hyperventilate before going home.
I ended up moving in with my godmother, I just could not deal with being in the house.
That was 11 years ago and just thinking about it I am shaking.
Best thing against this kind of anxiety I found out is to try to stay in the moment and not project the what ifs, and what wills because they have not happened yet.

Ps:
It is good not to go through life with that knot of fear in your guts

LadySage

That's really interesting the therapist said that! I have definitely been feeling like lots of things that should be in my control are escaping me (laundry, bills, kids, normal stuff). Maybe as I get more in control of those things that will help anxiety lessen.

redatlanta

Yes - I think you might!

PippiLngstockng

Hi ladysage,
First, I used to have chronic insomnia because I would wake up in the middle of the night trying to figure out what on earth was happening to my life. Not understanding about alcoholism/abuse/narcissism caused me anxiety because I would pick up weird bits from AH that didn't make sense until I accepted that he was rather leading a double life. Once I finally started going to Al Anon and put the pieces together I slept great and still do!

Then there was the scared kind of anxiety when still living around AH and he was getting threatening and somewhat whacko. That's when I couldn't eat.

Finally there was the wondering what he was going to do next anxiety when I began to officially terminate the relatipnship. That was nervous habits anxiety.

Then with STBXAH back here and thinking he might lose it again, I got so stressed that I picked up pneumonia.

Now he's left without major incident. I have lots of worries about the children and decisions to make about how to go about rebuilding our lives from the mess we are left with. But I have made positive steps forward and I have to remember to put my faith in my higher power. When I remember my HP I feel so much better! I am new to understanding about God and I am not used to praying, but it does help to remember we are not really alone.

And when all else fails, a couple of hours of hard exercise works wonders. I may still have some anxiety later down the road, but I'm looking pretty good in my speedo bikini

Rosiepetal

Yes I had anxiety although it took me a while to recognize thats what it was.
It is early days for you.
Just acknowledge it & ride through it & take one day at a time.
Hugs.

Whatsit

Hi, ladysage,

Yes, I also experience anxiety when I am with my workaholic husband (when he comes home keyed up, which is most days) and around my alchoholic/addict brother. I find that learning to detach as much as I can does help, but these people have a gift for causing chaos. Another thing that helps me is to limit the time I spend with them.

PippiLngstockng

Oh yeah, forgot to add that STBXAH wants me to be anxious! He keeps sending me emails telling me: you and the children have no health insurance (true now apparantly. How does someone with a new job and 4 children forget to find out about health insurance coverage???); you aren't going to have enough money for groceries (but He has so much he says he can live in our 6 br house without a housemate); getting pneumonia is the kind of thing that is going to keep happening to me now that I am a single parent...

He is full of anxiety, and uses drinking and whatever else to self medicate. And he seems to want me to just freeze up from the fear or something. Who is going to get a grip then and care for our children in his mind, then, I would like to know. The binging, negative drunk-driving alcoholic? Or me, the one who is crazily forging ahead in spite of the odds because the children deserve a much better life than living with all of these worries and waiting for daddy to wake up!