What did you tell the kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
What did you tell the kids?
Hey everybody,
About a week ago I posted about someone close to me whose husband's drinking is out of control. I guess it has been bad off and on for the 10 or so years they have been married, and it came to a head finally. She hasn't felt safe in her own home for some time and is basically a single parent because he is either at work, in the field (Army), or too drunk to do anything. She knew it was starting to affect the kids and things were escalating, so she finally left. She and her kids (pre-school and 2nd grade) will be staying with family in another state.
She is not sure what to tell the kids. Right now she is just kind of playing it off like they are going to visit the grandparents and aunts and uncles, but she knows she can't do that forever. Her youngest won't really understand at this point (he has mild developmental delays when it comes to language), but her oldest is very astute and would understand whatever her mother told her. I am doing some reading and will do some more (they are still driving home) and pass it along to her, but was wondering what suggestions anyone who has been through this would have.
Thank you!
About a week ago I posted about someone close to me whose husband's drinking is out of control. I guess it has been bad off and on for the 10 or so years they have been married, and it came to a head finally. She hasn't felt safe in her own home for some time and is basically a single parent because he is either at work, in the field (Army), or too drunk to do anything. She knew it was starting to affect the kids and things were escalating, so she finally left. She and her kids (pre-school and 2nd grade) will be staying with family in another state.
She is not sure what to tell the kids. Right now she is just kind of playing it off like they are going to visit the grandparents and aunts and uncles, but she knows she can't do that forever. Her youngest won't really understand at this point (he has mild developmental delays when it comes to language), but her oldest is very astute and would understand whatever her mother told her. I am doing some reading and will do some more (they are still driving home) and pass it along to her, but was wondering what suggestions anyone who has been through this would have.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Every child is different, so I think this is one of those things that every parent has to handle with respect to knowing their own kids' temperaments. Mine was about 4.5 when we separated for 2 years. At the time I didn't know how much he was drinking or that we were dealing with alcoholism at all, so it really started like a normal marital separation & 'more was revealed' as time went on.
For me, DD was very aware & had already witnessed so many of the bad parts of his alcoholism that I went with the truth as much as possible. I figured that way AT LEAST I didn't have to worry about keeping track of the lies I was telling my kid. (And personally, I think all those little white lies feed the family sickness of codependency/addiction.)
I never bad-mouthed AH in front of her if I could avoid it, didn't turn it into a finger-pointing blame game but I couldn't lie to her & then expect her to move forward in a healthy way emotionally. We both talked to her about how we would be separated & that none of it meant we loved her any less or that she had any fault or ability to fix things.
Once his addiction came to light, I told her that daddy was sick & that even though he seemed fine this kind of illness wasn't so easy to see or understand. We talked about how it affected his decisions & choices & how it didn't always let him handle things in the best way. When he started AA he talked to her about why the meetings help& what kinds of things they talk about. She knows now that for him to stay healthy he needs to attend these meetings regularly & that they help him to stay strong instead of giving in & starting to drink again.
I found that it really opened up her trust in me. I *was* there every night, I *did* talk with her as openly as possible when she had questions so she stayed pretty open with me. Sometimes the best answer I had at the time was, "I don't know how to answer that question, so I'm going to need to think about it a little, ok?" & she was happy because I was showing her respect. Even now it's obvious she still has more trust in me than RAH. It frustrates him because she still sometimes 2nd checks what he tells her with me, but I've told him he has to understand her perspective & know that she isn't doing it to hurt him.... but that in time if he keeps his promises then she'll start rebuilding trust again & she is.... it just takes time.
Now, at age 8 we have very open conversations about things like addiction & how it goes beyond just indulging in a few beers on the weekend. We talk about the mindset of an addict & how we ALL have issues of some type & how for many of us it's not just an aocohol/drug thing; food addictions, low self-confidence, overblown egos, etc.
For me, DD was very aware & had already witnessed so many of the bad parts of his alcoholism that I went with the truth as much as possible. I figured that way AT LEAST I didn't have to worry about keeping track of the lies I was telling my kid. (And personally, I think all those little white lies feed the family sickness of codependency/addiction.)
I never bad-mouthed AH in front of her if I could avoid it, didn't turn it into a finger-pointing blame game but I couldn't lie to her & then expect her to move forward in a healthy way emotionally. We both talked to her about how we would be separated & that none of it meant we loved her any less or that she had any fault or ability to fix things.
Once his addiction came to light, I told her that daddy was sick & that even though he seemed fine this kind of illness wasn't so easy to see or understand. We talked about how it affected his decisions & choices & how it didn't always let him handle things in the best way. When he started AA he talked to her about why the meetings help& what kinds of things they talk about. She knows now that for him to stay healthy he needs to attend these meetings regularly & that they help him to stay strong instead of giving in & starting to drink again.
I found that it really opened up her trust in me. I *was* there every night, I *did* talk with her as openly as possible when she had questions so she stayed pretty open with me. Sometimes the best answer I had at the time was, "I don't know how to answer that question, so I'm going to need to think about it a little, ok?" & she was happy because I was showing her respect. Even now it's obvious she still has more trust in me than RAH. It frustrates him because she still sometimes 2nd checks what he tells her with me, but I've told him he has to understand her perspective & know that she isn't doing it to hurt him.... but that in time if he keeps his promises then she'll start rebuilding trust again & she is.... it just takes time.
Now, at age 8 we have very open conversations about things like addiction & how it goes beyond just indulging in a few beers on the weekend. We talk about the mindset of an addict & how we ALL have issues of some type & how for many of us it's not just an aocohol/drug thing; food addictions, low self-confidence, overblown egos, etc.
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