It's been a while...

Old 02-22-2013, 07:39 AM
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It's been a while...

I will visit the forum a few times a week but have not posted in a while.
Just wanted to share how I've been feeling and some new feelings I am unclear about.

I have been attending Al Anon, focused on my job, enjoying time with friends and family. Most of the time I am so grateful for the blessings. I have a good life. I enjoy my alone time. But it still feels empty. Not having a partner to share it with can be hard.

I ran into my husband last week on Valentine's Day. The more he spoke, the more I realize how he is not the partner I miss. He was tense and agitated (pre drinking I imagine). Defensive, I did not react to what he was saying. I felt totally at peace with the encounter and feel that I have nothing but love for this person and all he brought into my life but recognize the person he is now is not who I want to be with.

I had a great rest of the night. Felt like the reason we bumped into each other was just so I could be reminded of how far I've come. Have had a good week off. And then this morning I woke up so sad. Sad because I felt that he was the furthest away that he has ever been. That I was at peace with letting him go. Sad that the hope I have always kept in my heart for him to choose recovery and return to me was just a speck.

I know this feeling wont last. I know I need to do some readings and get busy with the good in my life but I just needed to acknowledge this feeling and wonder If others have had it too.
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Old 02-22-2013, 08:36 AM
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Welcome back to posting, jamaicamecrazy!

I'll speak up on what you ask...yes...I miss my ex. A Lot. I have days where I am on top of the world and thanking my HP every other hour for giving me the strength to be free! Where I love my new life! And then I have days where I am just broken-hearted over it all, wondering if I am all washed up (I'm 41, rationally I know the answer to that!! and its a big fat NO!)

I figured this is what grieving is like. So when I have those "off" days, I just ride them out.

Once, not too long ago, I was mentally skipping through the "loving memories" file and ran smack into the "he's an a-hole file". All those things we forget over time...the fights, driving drunk with my children in the car, all the promises made and broken, the lies. Nothing like that wake up call to bring me back to reality!

Like everything else, this stuff will pass in time.

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Old 02-22-2013, 08:50 AM
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I understand the feeling you're talking about, I never thought I would be alone at this stage in my life. My ex and I had been with each other since we were young and you can feel lonely. But, then I talk to him and I'm so thankful we're apart, I could never go back into that craziness! I think it's giving up the dream of how it should have been that's really the hardest of all.
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Old 02-22-2013, 10:43 AM
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Sometimes that sadness wakes me up at night. It just doesn't make sense for us, maybe. You know, we are doing what we need to do to recover. So if we follow the guidelines and detach with kindness and all, why don't they wake up already?! How can they stay behind in that muck of a life they are choosing...over us?!

At least that is how I see it. And can't help but see that the children and I deserve better - so we should have better! He should see that and recover already! I really can't believe how STBXAH is just allowing us to stay across the ocean and isn't fighting for his own recovery so he can have us back.

I am sorry for your sadness. Things aren't supposed to be this way, are they? But at least we have ourselves, our lives, our peace.
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Old 02-22-2013, 10:52 AM
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You will begin to value that peace more and more each day when things are more resolved. I got to the point that I realized he wasn't choosing alcohol over me that was the point he wasn't able to choose anymore, it ruled his life, he no longer ruled it. He was just swept away from me BUT that didn't mean I had to be swept away with him, nor should you with your AH. I pray you find peace.
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Old 02-24-2013, 08:22 AM
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For the past few years my AH has wished me "peace". I did not know what he meant. It was unlike him to say that but recently I have started to realize what a gift he wished for me. I have more and more peace in my life. The feeling is unfamiliar. Not the adrenaline rush I had always felt around him. I thought it was love but i know realize very often it was anxiety and I became addicted to it. Now I feel the peace and it sometimes makes me sad because it means I am moving away from him-something I never wanted. I think that embracing the peace will take some adjusting to. Thank you for your kind replies.
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