Having a moment and need a reality check
 

I am tired, traveling back home after a week away from my 4 kids. Went through an 8 hour time change and was perusing facebook when I saw a post about my recent XAGF who is taking me to court regarding my kids. Her sister posted that she and her drinking buddy are getting on a plane to go on vacation. Well, now I'm upset. I know he has no money so she is paying his way. She could never take time off for any vacations with me or the kids. I suspect she is flying out to see this old GF that she has maintained some contact with. I KNOW I should've just let it go, but I didn't. I sent her an email basically letting her know I knew and asked if she was dropping the court case now, since this girl has a kid also. I also posted on her drinking buddy's wall to have a great trip and say hi to the ex for me. I know I shouldn't have but I guess I am just upset. Very upset. I need to here how she is the same sick A that will get fall down drunk and make an a$$ of herself. That the other woman isn't getting any prize. That her drinking buddy is a low life and disgusting and she is the same, that I didn't lose here. I know in my heart I didn't, I am just having a hard time letting go...especially the last few days. I haven't seen her in a month, spoken to her in 3 weeks. I guess this just threw me.

"Act, don't react".

"Be proactive, not reactive".

I could go on and on with slogans...but the bottom line is try to stop reacting. Give yourself a full 24 hours before acting on anything that triggers you emotionally. Often, when we wait, we calm down, and sometimes even forget what pi$$ed us off to begin with.

So you've reacted, nothing you can do about it now, except try harder next time.

I would also consider removing any opportunity to have this kind of information in your face. You can "unfriend" people on Facebook quite easily. Remove any and all areas of temptation to know what she is doing, and revel in the ignorance and serenity that comes along with it! Trust me, what you don't know won't hurt you.

Why not stay away from FB for awhile, it seems to be a trigger for you and what you read throws you into a tailspin.

I am sorry, however, what she does is her business, good, bad or otherwise,she has moved on with her life.

If you block your ex on Facebook, every post she makes and every post about her will no longer be visible to you. Additionally, every post you make, every comment, every picture, will be invisible to her.

It's a great way of avoiding extra crazy in your life and I highly recommend it, especially if your goal is to let go.

IMHO, FB exposes one to a lot of emotional risk. I loved FB for a while, and it became a huge part of my life. I reconnected with old friends and made a bunch of new ones. It totally expanded my social circle, soothed some of the lonliness, and gave me something to do. But then weird stuff started happening: people were fighting about stuff said on FB and I was caught in the middle, men sent me highly inappropriate messages and photos (one guy sent me a photo of his erection), and I repeatedly discovered things I did not want to know about. It seemed like every time I went on FB, I was upset or triggered by something. Even if it was something juvenile like a bunch of "friends" having a party and that I wasn't invited to, it still kinda hurt. So I quit going on, and my life became much calmer. The friends with whom I really connected have my email address and we keep in touch that way. As for dealing with alcoholic exes, I would defriend or block anyone and everyone who has anything to do with them. Why deal with the huge potential for hurt? Just my opinion.

Patty, with the task of 4 kids to raise (God bless you!) AND the threat of a court date looming over your head by this EX, it is simply NOT wise to be engaged in FB antics. it serves no purpose except to keep YOU stuck. never hand the enemy ammunition.

now is the time to regain your calm, your focus and conduct yourself with maturity and clarity. don't stoop to her level.

I agree. A lot of hurt I have experienced has been resultant of FB. I deactivated my account to save myself some grief until I am stronger.

patty,

You are getting excellent advice here. Block her posts, her friends' posts, and her friends' friends' posts...

If you ACCIDENTALLY stumble on something pertaining to her, come and talk about it here before you respond. Please. If it's a good idea, it will wait. If it's a bad idea, at least get an objective opinion or two before you decide to do it.

Nothing, NOTHING good will come of your sniping at her in this kind of petty way. I don't care if she is running off with Madonna. It isn't your business. It doesn't have to affect you one bit. You have enough on your plate without throwing fuel on the fire.

I know this completely. It is my codie nature coming out, which is not an excuse. I have blocked her on facebook, that is why it took me by such surprise. I am angry at myself for responding in any way. 1. because of the court date and 2. it reinforces to her I am still stuck. Ugh. I have to keep reminding myself nothing about her has changed. It is just so hard. I am away from my kids right now traveling for business. I think if I was home I would have maybe held off reacting, up until now I've done well.

OK, you had a slip. Maybe put a sticky on your computer to remind you to WAIT before you respond to anything.

Get another perspective, first. You can do this--it isn't easy, but you can.

Also remember that when you have any negative interaction with her you stimulate the ongoing battle between the two of you. It is in your best interest for her to get bored with her legal battle with you. That battle might not have one thing to do with kids in her mind, rather a way to get back at YOU. Many legal actions are later dropped when tempers cool. Keep picking that scab....well - you are stopping the natural process of clarity that even your ex might experience.

Glad you got off FB!