Would you ever?
 

ZiggyStardust's question about taking to his addicts father got me thinking about my Ex.

This guy wasn't an alcoholic or an addict, but he was very dysfunctional. I left him after 6 years and never looked back. He was abusive- more emotionally. He put his hands on me once but stopped himself.

It's taken me years as a member of this site to actually process that he was the child of an addict. I mean, I knew that and knew that his childhood was the issue, but never really fully processed it. He went through some very painful things, that took years for him to share with me. He spent most of his childhood in foster care and his mom died on the streets as an addict while we were dating.

I don't love him anymore, wouldn't see him if I had the opportunity and live hundreds of miles away. But I do feel for him. We did have some strange sort of connection even for years after I left. I mean that like my mom, if I thought of him I would hear from him within minutes. Too spread out and random to be coincidence. I hear from him occasionally but never talk to him for more than 5 mins. I am very distant if we do speak.

I did once lose my cool and tell him he needed serious help, that his messed up childhood didn't give him the right to treat me like garbage. That he treated the people that loved him the most the worst. (He was actually decent to everyone else.)

Is it completely delirious of me to consider sending him an email telling him things might help him that I have learned since then? I know it might not make any difference but you never know what triggers someone to accept that life doesn't have to be so complicated if you recognize that your experiences affect you deeply. He has a daughter now and just might be better able to hear than he was before.

Just wondering what people think. This would be one and done for me, not an ongoing conversation.

turn it around....how would YOU feel if you rec'd "helpful tips" from a former flame? hi, i've been thinking about how messed up you are and here's what i think might help you.

what is your MOTIVE after all this time to still try and FIX this guy?

I don't know for certain but honestly I am an odd duck. I tend to actually listen and take everything into consideration. Oddly, he's the one that taught me that. "When people say something critical of you and it's difficult to hear, you have to listen and think about it. Are they right? If so, fix it. If not, don't worry about it."

I also definitely don't think about him as "messed up" now. I did back then eventually and that's exactly the way I stated it at the time. I would never frame it that way.

My motivation is that it sucks that people suffer and I like to think I could help them all. Because I'm so fabulous and have all the answers, you know?. Also so I don't think about the things that need attention in my own life!

I knew the answer to this already, right? But he called on my birthday (a while ago) and if he calls me again I'm going to tell him what has happened with my family. I never did, it all happened after we split. I usually tell him something to get him off the phone quickly, anyway. :)

No, I would never.

With all due respect, Hanna, it isn't your place. And Anvilhead makes a good point about imagining how you'd feel if an ex emailed you with this information?

You may think he's messed up, but it doesn't mean he thinks he is. And you may think he'd benefit from your wise insights, but it doesn't mean he will.

Never, he knows where to go if he wants any information to "help" himself.

Go about the business of "helping" yourself!

No way - it seems like really overstepping bounds IMO. If he had contacted you & ASKED for your insights then it would be a different story, but out of the blue unsolicited? Nope.

Well what do you know. He wrote and asked how I am doing, so I told him.

Told him about what's going on in my life including the 12 step work I am doing. Just my own ESH, no recommendations for anyone else.

It felt good to do that. He may simply look at it as me fixing myself and addressing issues that he always knew I had, but that is okay with me.