Trust, easier said than done!!! Long input!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 3
Trust, easier said than done!!! Long input!
Hello everyone!
I'm new here, I came across SR one night last week. Ive been reading non-stop for a week now, and finally having the courage to write something I've really been thinking about lately.
I'm from Europe, and I live here as we'll, my mother is an recovering-alcoholic, I've known about her addiction since around 10 yrs back (im 29 yrs today) and I was also the one who brought it up on the table in the family, although I'm very shore my father has known the whole time. Since the day I discovered her addiction we have NOT discussed this openly in the family, we are a picture perfect family on the outside, but NOT on the inside.
Even today nobody outside the family knows our story. Everything is kept in secret, and it has always been this way, that's "normal" for me. I see this in myself, I lie (no big lies) when I really could just speak the truth.
She was in rehab last August and since then she's been sober, don't know for 100% but I'm learning to let go of my control over her. Since 2011 I'm learning about codependency, I didn't really know what that it was, and the more I read about it, the more I saw myself... Scary!
The challenges I'm facing right now is that I have zero trust for people, my closest friend (a man I have been in a on-off relationship, still care about him) have experienced this a lot with me. Doesn't matter if he guarantees his life that he tells the truth, I still manage to miss-trust him some %.. I'm just waiting for him to hurt me, leave me, cheat on me etc.. He knows my story, but he doesn't understand me, not just him my other friends as well. They are 100% supportive but we don't "speak the same language". It's frustrating, but I'm really glad I found you (this forum), cause I can really relate to stories here, not just about mistrust..
This was a really long input, but I have a lot "bottled up" that needs to come out, sorry bout that.
Does anybody recognize this? Thank you all, you teach me something new everyday about myself!
/ hugs from Europe!
I'm new here, I came across SR one night last week. Ive been reading non-stop for a week now, and finally having the courage to write something I've really been thinking about lately.
I'm from Europe, and I live here as we'll, my mother is an recovering-alcoholic, I've known about her addiction since around 10 yrs back (im 29 yrs today) and I was also the one who brought it up on the table in the family, although I'm very shore my father has known the whole time. Since the day I discovered her addiction we have NOT discussed this openly in the family, we are a picture perfect family on the outside, but NOT on the inside.
Even today nobody outside the family knows our story. Everything is kept in secret, and it has always been this way, that's "normal" for me. I see this in myself, I lie (no big lies) when I really could just speak the truth.
She was in rehab last August and since then she's been sober, don't know for 100% but I'm learning to let go of my control over her. Since 2011 I'm learning about codependency, I didn't really know what that it was, and the more I read about it, the more I saw myself... Scary!
The challenges I'm facing right now is that I have zero trust for people, my closest friend (a man I have been in a on-off relationship, still care about him) have experienced this a lot with me. Doesn't matter if he guarantees his life that he tells the truth, I still manage to miss-trust him some %.. I'm just waiting for him to hurt me, leave me, cheat on me etc.. He knows my story, but he doesn't understand me, not just him my other friends as well. They are 100% supportive but we don't "speak the same language". It's frustrating, but I'm really glad I found you (this forum), cause I can really relate to stories here, not just about mistrust..
This was a really long input, but I have a lot "bottled up" that needs to come out, sorry bout that.
Does anybody recognize this? Thank you all, you teach me something new everyday about myself!
/ hugs from Europe!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Welcome, Alex.
It's great you have read so much about codependency. It is scary when we see ourselves as codependents! It was only very recent that I even heard the word for the first time, and the more I read, the more I see how badly I have slipped, and how much work I will have to do to get back to being "normal". It's great to hear you have managed to make such progress.
In terms of trust, I do see where you are coming from. In my case, it is my partner who is the alcoholic. He quit drinking in November last year, which is great, but I am still struggling to trust him. This is clearly based on the trust he lost when he drank. Like you, it has also affected my trust in others. I think this is normal. I also think it is a codependent trait. You have a lot of unrest bottled up inside, and as you have been taught to remain skeptical (on account of your mother's continuous broken trust), which is a very difficult thing to let go of.
When I get myself worked up into feelings of mistrust, and actually recognise that I am doing this, I try my best to calm down and look at what I am worried about rationally, what the worst outcome could be and how I would handle it. Things can really get to the point where everything builds up so much it can all seem insurmountable. But once you can look at it rationally, and take it apart, you can see it's not.
In your case, you need to look at your BF as being separate from your mother. He has his own issues, we all do, but the fact he is not an alcoholic is a big plus trust me! Now look to see if you can find any evidence that he will hurt, cheat on, or leave you. Any real red flags? If not, you have a good case for trusting him. But look a bit further and imagine what would happen if he did do any of those things. It would not be the end of the world after all. You would still be alive and okay.
It is hard when it feels like no one understands you. All of us on this forum feel like this I suspect. This is why we come here. There is a lot of understanding in these threads, so continue to read as much as you can. Good luck.
It's great you have read so much about codependency. It is scary when we see ourselves as codependents! It was only very recent that I even heard the word for the first time, and the more I read, the more I see how badly I have slipped, and how much work I will have to do to get back to being "normal". It's great to hear you have managed to make such progress.
In terms of trust, I do see where you are coming from. In my case, it is my partner who is the alcoholic. He quit drinking in November last year, which is great, but I am still struggling to trust him. This is clearly based on the trust he lost when he drank. Like you, it has also affected my trust in others. I think this is normal. I also think it is a codependent trait. You have a lot of unrest bottled up inside, and as you have been taught to remain skeptical (on account of your mother's continuous broken trust), which is a very difficult thing to let go of.
When I get myself worked up into feelings of mistrust, and actually recognise that I am doing this, I try my best to calm down and look at what I am worried about rationally, what the worst outcome could be and how I would handle it. Things can really get to the point where everything builds up so much it can all seem insurmountable. But once you can look at it rationally, and take it apart, you can see it's not.
In your case, you need to look at your BF as being separate from your mother. He has his own issues, we all do, but the fact he is not an alcoholic is a big plus trust me! Now look to see if you can find any evidence that he will hurt, cheat on, or leave you. Any real red flags? If not, you have a good case for trusting him. But look a bit further and imagine what would happen if he did do any of those things. It would not be the end of the world after all. You would still be alive and okay.
It is hard when it feels like no one understands you. All of us on this forum feel like this I suspect. This is why we come here. There is a lot of understanding in these threads, so continue to read as much as you can. Good luck.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello alexk, Welcome to SR!
I think we all recognize what you are feeling to a certain extent. Alcoholism and addiction is a family disease, and it thrives on everyone maintaining the 'secret'--that need to keep up the image of perfection to everyone around them.
What you describe is quite, well, 'normal' for someone who is the adult child of an alcoholic or addict. There are many members here who have grown up in similar situations and also have a very hard time trusting anyone. When you are feeling more comfortable here, you might want to check out our 'Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents' sub-forum.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome, again! Although I am so sorry for the reasons why, I am glad you found us!
I think we all recognize what you are feeling to a certain extent. Alcoholism and addiction is a family disease, and it thrives on everyone maintaining the 'secret'--that need to keep up the image of perfection to everyone around them.
What you describe is quite, well, 'normal' for someone who is the adult child of an alcoholic or addict. There are many members here who have grown up in similar situations and also have a very hard time trusting anyone. When you are feeling more comfortable here, you might want to check out our 'Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents' sub-forum.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome, again! Although I am so sorry for the reasons why, I am glad you found us!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, alex!!
The alcoholics in my life were husbands/partners, not a parent. Still, I completely understand how it is to feel mistrustful all the time, and I'm sure some of that gets even more ingrained when you were raised with it.
I hope you will try Al-Anon--it is a great path of recovery. There is a saying in Al-Anon that we are "only as sick as our secrets". This doesn't mean we have to go around telling everyone in the world about our family problems, but it is great to be able to share those experiences, face-to-face, with others who UNDERSTAND.
Hugs, glad you are here.
The alcoholics in my life were husbands/partners, not a parent. Still, I completely understand how it is to feel mistrustful all the time, and I'm sure some of that gets even more ingrained when you were raised with it.
I hope you will try Al-Anon--it is a great path of recovery. There is a saying in Al-Anon that we are "only as sick as our secrets". This doesn't mean we have to go around telling everyone in the world about our family problems, but it is great to be able to share those experiences, face-to-face, with others who UNDERSTAND.
Hugs, glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your welcome, and the fact that you took your time to write me.
Next I will keep calm and take a breathe, it's just that I often forget it while I'm in the situation, will work on it
Thank you for the link, it's helpful
And today I have spent surely two hours just reading the threads and I'm so thankful that I'm not alone and that everybody here speaks the "same language" those hours gave me a lot, and its so amazing that I can follow everybody's steps
Good night to you all!!)
Next I will keep calm and take a breathe, it's just that I often forget it while I'm in the situation, will work on it
Thank you for the link, it's helpful
And today I have spent surely two hours just reading the threads and I'm so thankful that I'm not alone and that everybody here speaks the "same language"
those hours gave me a lot, and its so amazing that I can follow everybody's steps Good night to you all!!
)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Hi and welcome alexk,
I'm in Central Europe and there is Al-Anon here, though you find fewer meetings here for sure than in the U.S. still lots of alcoholics, though.
I encourage you to break the silence. Find people and places where you can talk about having an alcoholic mother. Heck, once I started telling some people it's amazing how many others are impacted by this disease.
People don't talk easily about things here, but I do and now I am closer to my neighbor, whose father is an alcoholic; my grocer, whose father is an alcoholic; my running partner who is an alcoholic; and my hair dresser, whose mother is an alcoholic. But you do have to be prepared for any number of reactions. The hardest for me was telling people close in to the situation. They would prefer to think that I am crazy or lying than to believe that my seemingly lovely STBX husband is an alcoholic.
The people who most get it are those in Al-Anon. Amazing experience to talk to others who really get it. I wish they had Alateen here. I'd send my big kids. They sure could use it.
Utterly awful disease and so heartbreaking for the children
. I'm breaking us free of their father, but it's a terrible business and he isn't thinking clearly about them.
Best wishes to you!!!
I'm in Central Europe and there is Al-Anon here, though you find fewer meetings here for sure than in the U.S. still lots of alcoholics, though.
I encourage you to break the silence. Find people and places where you can talk about having an alcoholic mother. Heck, once I started telling some people it's amazing how many others are impacted by this disease.
People don't talk easily about things here, but I do
and now I am closer to my neighbor, whose father is an alcoholic; my grocer, whose father is an alcoholic; my running partner who is an alcoholic; and my hair dresser, whose mother is an alcoholic. But you do have to be prepared for any number of reactions. The hardest for me was telling people close in to the situation. They would prefer to think that I am crazy or lying than to believe that my seemingly lovely STBX husband is an alcoholic. The people who most get it are those in Al-Anon. Amazing experience to talk to others who really get it. I wish they had Alateen here. I'd send my big kids. They sure could use it.
Utterly awful disease and so heartbreaking for the children
. I'm breaking us free of their father, but it's a terrible business and he isn't thinking clearly about them. Best wishes to you!!!
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