AH said maybe I should leave....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
AH said maybe I should leave....
So...short story, a month ago AH was having weekly disturbing "relapses" and one morning I snapped, gave him my ring and said I was done. Then I decided instead I would stay but I had two boundaries 1) I cannot live with an active alcoholic (I could stay if he was in treatment of some kind) and 2) I cannot be around him during relapses (I need to go to a safe place and stay).
He called a treatment facility but didn't end up going....citing money as a concern.
He managed almost 30 days sober but slipped the last two days.
I wanted to go to my parents (but didn't) because I was tired, sad and felt like I had been through the wringer. When he drinks we argue (this happens sober too) and hurtful things get said (he said im a gold digger, my boobs have gotten smaller, my tattoos arn't really as cool as I think, I'm selfish, etc....). Things get broken (he knocked a glass out of my hand, kicked my car window). He also disappears to the bar at night (lies about where he is going) and I wanted to not deal with hearing him come home if this was the case.
Last night he emailed me and said that maybe I should leave for awhile and "not have to opportunity to come back until we are ready (we being him and his son)". Since "I want nothing to do with someone who quits when it gets hard".
I have a storage unit, a place to stay but I'm having trouble pulling the trigger!
I'm scarred that I'm running from normal marital problems/overreacting and that this is just early recovery stuff. I'm scared that I suck at relationships (which he has said) and have some behavior which is making these arguments happen. I'm terrified that he has some pretty entrenched behavior which he isn't addressing and that is hurtful to me.
How to you know when to leave? I need help pulling the trigger... I think? Is there a missing piece I'm not thinking about?
He called a treatment facility but didn't end up going....citing money as a concern.
He managed almost 30 days sober but slipped the last two days.
I wanted to go to my parents (but didn't) because I was tired, sad and felt like I had been through the wringer. When he drinks we argue (this happens sober too) and hurtful things get said (he said im a gold digger, my boobs have gotten smaller, my tattoos arn't really as cool as I think, I'm selfish, etc....). Things get broken (he knocked a glass out of my hand, kicked my car window). He also disappears to the bar at night (lies about where he is going) and I wanted to not deal with hearing him come home if this was the case.
Last night he emailed me and said that maybe I should leave for awhile and "not have to opportunity to come back until we are ready (we being him and his son)". Since "I want nothing to do with someone who quits when it gets hard".
I have a storage unit, a place to stay but I'm having trouble pulling the trigger!
I'm scarred that I'm running from normal marital problems/overreacting and that this is just early recovery stuff. I'm scared that I suck at relationships (which he has said) and have some behavior which is making these arguments happen. I'm terrified that he has some pretty entrenched behavior which he isn't addressing and that is hurtful to me.
How to you know when to leave? I need help pulling the trigger... I think? Is there a missing piece I'm not thinking about?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You are a victim of alcoholic brainwashing, or the mindf***, as some of us here call it.
A very good book which will mirror for you exactly what he is doing to take you down emotionally and mentally is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It describes very specifically the tactics alcoholics use to deflate their partners in order to divert attention from what is the core problem--alcoholism--in the marriage and to inflate themselves so they can dominate, control, and use their enablers as they wish.
He is an active alcoholic who had a few weeks dry, that's all. He is not in the least in recovery. He is an active drinker and he has you under his thumb. He is abusing you emotionally, threatening you by being violent toward things (which often escalates into hitting the spouse at some point), and you are being beaten down by his groundless criticisms so he can completely control you. The more isolated you are with this abuser, the more he will control you and hurt you. This kind of mental abuse takes years to recover from and the longer you stay, the deeper your wounding.
Your instincts are right. You need to move away. You need to stay away.
He is nowhere near a bottom, it seems to me, so he has a lot of drinking still ahead of him. You do not need to be his victim in that.
It is our best qualities and our most cherished values that the alcoholic tries to destroy. He will tell us we are ugly when in fact we are beautiful. He will tell us we are boring when we are actually a lot of fun. He will tell us we are selfish when we are in fact very generous. He will tell us we are quitters when in fact we are a faithful friend to many and have tried to be a committed partner to him.
Pick up a copy of that book. You will find your story in it.
Find yourself a sanctuary and stay there.
A very good book which will mirror for you exactly what he is doing to take you down emotionally and mentally is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It describes very specifically the tactics alcoholics use to deflate their partners in order to divert attention from what is the core problem--alcoholism--in the marriage and to inflate themselves so they can dominate, control, and use their enablers as they wish.
He is an active alcoholic who had a few weeks dry, that's all. He is not in the least in recovery. He is an active drinker and he has you under his thumb. He is abusing you emotionally, threatening you by being violent toward things (which often escalates into hitting the spouse at some point), and you are being beaten down by his groundless criticisms so he can completely control you. The more isolated you are with this abuser, the more he will control you and hurt you. This kind of mental abuse takes years to recover from and the longer you stay, the deeper your wounding.
Your instincts are right. You need to move away. You need to stay away.
He is nowhere near a bottom, it seems to me, so he has a lot of drinking still ahead of him. You do not need to be his victim in that.
It is our best qualities and our most cherished values that the alcoholic tries to destroy. He will tell us we are ugly when in fact we are beautiful. He will tell us we are boring when we are actually a lot of fun. He will tell us we are selfish when we are in fact very generous. He will tell us we are quitters when in fact we are a faithful friend to many and have tried to be a committed partner to him.
Pick up a copy of that book. You will find your story in it.
Find yourself a sanctuary and stay there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I had two boundaries 1) I cannot live with an active alcoholic (I could stay if he was in treatment of some kind)
He called a treatment facility but didn't end up going....citing money as a concern. He managed almost 30 days sober but slipped the last two days.
When he drinks we argue (this happens sober too) and hurtful things get said (he said im a gold digger, my boobs have gotten smaller, my tattoos arn't really as cool as I think, I'm selfish, etc....). Things get broken (he knocked a glass out of my hand, kicked my car window).
Last night he emailed me and said that maybe I should leave for awhile and "not have to opportunity to come back until we are ready (we being him and his son)". Since "I want nothing to do with someone who quits when it gets hard".
I'm scarred that I'm running from normal marital problems/overreacting and that this is just early recovery stuff. I'm scared that I suck at relationships (which he has said) and have some behavior which is making these arguments happen. I'm terrified that he has some pretty entrenched behavior which he isn't addressing and that is hurtful to me.
It's ok to be scared. It's not ok to be abused by an addict.
Hugs,
~T
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I wanted to go to my parents (but didn't) because I was tired, sad and felt like I had been through the wringer. When he drinks we argue (this happens sober too) and hurtful things get said (he said im a gold digger, my boobs have gotten smaller, my tattoos arn't really as cool as I think, I'm selfish, etc....). Things get broken (he knocked a glass out of my hand, kicked my car window). He also disappears to the bar at night (lies about where he is going) and I wanted to not deal with hearing him come home if this was the case.
normal marital problems/overreacting and that this is just early recovery stuff.
this is FAR from NORMAL and definitely NOT anything remotely related to recovery. it is in fact unsafe and abusive. treat this as you would any other DANGEROUS situation and plan a safe and expeditious evacuation. a healthy skill to develop regarding relationships is knowing when to END them. the situation you describe has devolved from a "relationship" into more of a cage match.
you said you have a place to go...that puts you way ahead of the game. now get to scootin'! you can be scared and do it anyway. one foot in front of the other.
normal marital problems/overreacting and that this is just early recovery stuff.
this is FAR from NORMAL and definitely NOT anything remotely related to recovery. it is in fact unsafe and abusive. treat this as you would any other DANGEROUS situation and plan a safe and expeditious evacuation. a healthy skill to develop regarding relationships is knowing when to END them. the situation you describe has devolved from a "relationship" into more of a cage match.
you said you have a place to go...that puts you way ahead of the game. now get to scootin'! you can be scared and do it anyway. one foot in front of the other.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
EnglishGarden, where do they (the addicts) learn these tactics??? We have to read a book to know and it just dumbfounds me as to how they ALL act the same way to us (their enablers)!!! Amazing! This is the same stuff that I have been hearing for so many years and I thought the same as LadySage - they can tear us down. It is so weird that it all intertwines though. It took me a while but on my own, about 6 months ago, told my AH that I am not the one Acting out, I am reacting to his actions - took me 5/6 years to comprehend that; I am finally realizing that it's not me - it's him!! TUffgirl "but your own denial remains thick" This is such a surreal comment for me!!! Thank you and everyone here - I am so glad I found you guys!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
The part of the brain involved with addiction is the mid-brain...."flight or fight" portion. That's the only part of a brain that reptiles have. It's where survival instincts live....eat, procreate, drink, etc. There is no reasoning, compassion, logic or conscious thought in the mid brain. The A's behaviors are part of their instinct to protect their addiction, they're not in control of it. The part of the brain that does control compassion, love, empathy, etc isn't communicating with the mid brain. So you will continue to hear the ugly crap that comes out of his mouth as long as you listen.,
His is an active abusive A. 30 days of not drinking is NOT recovery. It is a progressive disease, so it's going to get worse. You have the ability to leave.....pull the trigger!!! And get to AlAnon as soon as you can, you will need the support to learn to set and respect your own boundaries.
His is an active abusive A. 30 days of not drinking is NOT recovery. It is a progressive disease, so it's going to get worse. You have the ability to leave.....pull the trigger!!! And get to AlAnon as soon as you can, you will need the support to learn to set and respect your own boundaries.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Thank you all so much for the responses.
Having a little moral support today is really invaluable. I'm pretty cut off from most of my friends now and definitely feel a little less alone in the huge mess.
I have the day off so I packed a jeep full of things and moved them to my dads where I will stay. Have a counseling appointment set up for next week and will hopefully get to al-anon this weekend.
It's super heart breaking and my mind is racing but I'm trying to take the next right step without thinking about the destination.
Having a little moral support today is really invaluable. I'm pretty cut off from most of my friends now and definitely feel a little less alone in the huge mess.
I have the day off so I packed a jeep full of things and moved them to my dads where I will stay. Have a counseling appointment set up for next week and will hopefully get to al-anon this weekend.
It's super heart breaking and my mind is racing but I'm trying to take the next right step without thinking about the destination.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Listen to these people. I wish I had when it happened to me but I could NOT let go. The longer you leave it the harder it gets. You have somewhere to go which is more than a lot of others but I understand totally how hard it is to make the move. It will become more difficult though as he will wear you down and that is what the alcoholic does. It is never their fault. We didn't see friends for months and years because of how he behaved and how he treated me and I am humbled now he has died by how supportive and lovely my friends are being because they care about me and know I am grieving even though they hated and had no respect for him. The violence will get progressively worse, believe me I know. If he really wants to get recovery then he can do it on his own and then try to win you back if he wants. Just don't wait for him, get your life back. You clearly have courage. Hugs from the UK and all the best in the world.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Lady Sage, I was writing my post when you put yours on to say what positive steps you are making. I wish you all the best luck just don't back down when he tries to get you to change your mind. People will be there for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
lady, you are doing the right thing for your self. stick with it & you will come out on top.anything new is hard. we will be here to walk with you. let us know how u r doing. hugs & prayers,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear LadySage, congratulations on your decision to act in your own best interest!! You have just demonstrated that you are able to be courageous and to take care of yourself.The counseling appointment and plan to attend alanon this week-end---excellent decisions!!! You are sooo going to need this support (and us at SR--LoL)---because it is extremely likely that he will still try to get you to come back, using charm, manipulation, and trying to wear you down with guilt and criticisms. Be prepared and don't back down. Hang on to your support and stay strong.
We are all pulling for you as you are taking control of y our own life and happiness.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I just worked on some of this in my counseling appt this week.
I finally realized that I cannot be "wrong" all the time. Especially when I was often accused of being wrong in one situation, then reacted completely the opposite and was wrong there too.
No wonder I felt nuts all the time....I was always trying to correct my wrongs. My navagation guide though was someone else....
I got really turned off course.
I finally realized that I cannot be "wrong" all the time. Especially when I was often accused of being wrong in one situation, then reacted completely the opposite and was wrong there too.
No wonder I felt nuts all the time....I was always trying to correct my wrongs. My navagation guide though was someone else....
I got really turned off course.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Englander in Michigan
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by LadySage 
S
I'm scarred that I'm running from normal marital problems/overreacting and that this is just early recovery stuff. I'm scared that I suck at relationships (which he has said) and have some behavior which is making these arguments happen. I'm terrified that he has some pretty entrenched behavior which he isn't addressing and that is hurtful to me.
I'm scarred that I'm running from normal marital problems/overreacting and that this is just early recovery stuff. I'm scared that I suck at relationships (which he has said) and have some behavior which is making these arguments happen. I'm terrified that he has some pretty entrenched behavior which he isn't addressing and that is hurtful to me.
We all have issues in relationships to deal with and the word perfect does not exist. Don't be worried that you suck at relationships because this is one that you simply do not want.
Early recovery stuff...I don't know...he does not sound very recovered in any way or trying much, but then again, I am not there to know.
The point is...when to walk away- when someone abuses you. From what you said he says and does- that IS 100% abuse and no mistaking it.
No one, anywhere, for any reason, deserves abuse in any way. Him telling you to leave is doing you a favor. Leave for good and never look back on the abuser who will continue to maniplulate you for his own reasons, and I am sure he will have many, many reasons- he loves you, he hates you, this isn't good enough, that isn't good enough, etc.... to infinity.
Your choice is how many more
decades,
years,
months,
days or
minutes
of this total crap
are you willing to deal with?
Be safe and we are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((LadySage)) - I can only share my ES&H. I spent a couple decades with a "functional alcoholic" Had no idea I was a codie at the time. He often told me "if you don't like it, LEAVE!"
I didn't...I wish I had. For whatever reason, I turned to drugs, developed my own addiction. Not what most people do, but I did.
Today? I'm coming up on 6 years in recovery and heard (from mutual friends) that the XABF is still messed up, married someone who made my codependency look mild, and I'm okay with that.
Take care of you, sweetie. He will do what he will do, but your life is your own. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, but the hurt eases as time goes by and we get on with our own lives.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I didn't...I wish I had. For whatever reason, I turned to drugs, developed my own addiction. Not what most people do, but I did.
Today? I'm coming up on 6 years in recovery and heard (from mutual friends) that the XABF is still messed up, married someone who made my codependency look mild, and I'm okay with that.
Take care of you, sweetie. He will do what he will do, but your life is your own. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, but the hurt eases as time goes by and we get on with our own lives.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by KittenBoo
No dear, this is not normal marital problems...unless you are married to an alcholic (see what I am saying).
We all have issues in relationships to deal with and the word perfect does not exist. Don't be worried that you suck at relationships because this is one that you simply do not want.
Early recovery stuff...I don't know...he does not sound very recovered in any way or trying much, but then again, I am not there to know.
The point is...when to walk away- when someone abuses you. From what you said he says and does- that IS 100% abuse and no mistaking it.
No one, anywhere, for any reason, deserves abuse in any way. Him telling you to leave is doing you a favor. Leave for good and never look back on the abuser who will continue to maniplulate you for his own reasons, and I am sure he will have many, many reasons- he loves you, he hates you, this isn't good enough, that isn't good enough, etc.... to infinity.
Your choice is how many more
decades,
years,
months,
days or
minutes
of this total crap
are you willing to deal with?
Be safe and we are all here for you.
We all have issues in relationships to deal with and the word perfect does not exist. Don't be worried that you suck at relationships because this is one that you simply do not want.
Early recovery stuff...I don't know...he does not sound very recovered in any way or trying much, but then again, I am not there to know.
The point is...when to walk away- when someone abuses you. From what you said he says and does- that IS 100% abuse and no mistaking it.
No one, anywhere, for any reason, deserves abuse in any way. Him telling you to leave is doing you a favor. Leave for good and never look back on the abuser who will continue to maniplulate you for his own reasons, and I am sure he will have many, many reasons- he loves you, he hates you, this isn't good enough, that isn't good enough, etc.... to infinity.
Your choice is how many more
decades,
years,
months,
days or
minutes
of this total crap
are you willing to deal with?
Be safe and we are all here for you.
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